The next few days I felt like I was walking in snow. I continued taking care of business. Because of the earthquake in Japan, members of his band were backing out left and right. I was working on replacing them and dealing with the people who were hiring them and reassuring them that the replacements were every bit as good as the originals.
During that week he acted as though nothing was wrong.
He even came over to me and showed me a mole on his arm.
“I don’t want you to worry,” he said, “but do you think this is something?”
I looked at the mole. It was black and irregular shaped
“Nah, it’s nothing. Everyone has those.”
That week I felt like I had been hit with a mountain. I couldn’t sleep or stop shaking . It was like finding out my mother didn’t love me. I was afraid of being alone, being humiliated and being poor at my age.
That mole thing was the only light in a very dark tunnel. It gave me something to hope for. If he died, I would have money and no shame. I couldn’t pray for a plane crash because other people would die so I had to be creative. He’s a big drinker so his liver failing was my back up plan.
Liz’ boyfriend, David, said everybody going through a divorce wishes for that.
“and wishing isn’t a strategy”
I usually dyed dave’s beard before he went on tour. I couldn’t see helping him look more attractive for this tour, so this time I didn’t. I packed his suitcase and he left for Japan.
In the meantime, the only people that knew were my sister and Liz. During that week I visited one of my nieces, Stephanie and I couldn’t keep it to myself. She immediately started crying.
“ You don’t need him. You come up here and live with me and Terry”, her husband.
I told her we were a long way from something like that.
In the meantime this tour of dave’s was no different than any other.
He called me every morning and every evening telling me in detail what was happening with the gigs and musicians. I had no idea what to expect when he came home.
At the airport he ran to me and hugged me. We were a little uncomfortable at first but it seemed to pass and he started talking about our planned vacations again.