68.I just had a thought. What if Jacob becomes a Met? Who cares about going to Citifield?

I had another bad dream last night but true to my word I won’t recount it. Let’s just say that sluthead was french in it and we were all on the boat.

Now that I’m an object of pity and I have a guest room so many people in my family are coming to visit that I bought more sheets yesterday.

I actually used my pathetic situation in Bloomingdales and the salesman gave me yesterday’s sale price for the sheets. Maybe I should invest in some pride rather than linens. Nah.

Miss Julie’s back from her book tour. She said thank you for playing with her family while she was gone. Although there isn’t enough gratitude in the world to pay me back for the 3 1/2 hours I spent at Crapfest (Violet kept stubbornly correcting me and calling it Harvestfest).

Spending so much time with my family especially the little kids has given me one of my epiphanies. No matter how you try they do what they want. You can plan and plan and they just slap you in the face which is why I am glad I have dogs.

67.Mrs. Matthews has taken a leave of absence. Leave a message

I’m walking a fine and puzzling line.

For the time being, I’m still handling dave’s business. There is a big band tour scheduled for July. I’m contacting the members of the band to see about their eligibility.

Since they all know me I simply send the information and sign the email “Mattie”. I’m sure a lot of them are surprised to be hearing from me since the news of our break up spread through the music business like wild fire. (I’m not saying it’s breakfast fodder for Paul McCartney and his new wife but the occasional trumpet player was shocked by the news)

One of my favorite people, Tony Price, a great tuba player and one of the funniest guys alive has decided not to go on the tour. He recommended a replacement.

Here’s the weird part. I had to email this guy to ask him to join the tour. I wasn’t sure how to refer to myself.

If I say I’m dave’s wife then when he gets to Japan he’ll see dave nuzzling it up with crapface and he’ll either think I don’t know about it or that I know about it and am accepting it. Either way I look like a jerk.

Good citizen that I am I chose my as of now legal title of wife. It seems the guy told me he met me before so I could have saved myself the angst. Let me add not remembering that I already met him to the long list of things I can no longer ….no longer what? I forget.

My nephew Matthew just called. He reads my blog and he and his wife, Lara say they are proud of how I’m handling this.

While he was talking I realized the reason I sound so positive is because I’m not handling it at all. I’ve  taken a sabbatical.

The minute dave left for Japan I stopped moving forward emotionally.

I write and I keep busy, I talk to my family, they visit, I dote over Rupert , I make plans with my friends and I nag Liz and David to play with me (Liz is easy, David uses every excuse to avoid me)

I’m probably lucky that dave never calls and only sends me short abrupt emails about the tour so I ‘m not reminded of him.

My lawyer calls and asks why I haven’t sent some papers she asked for. I tell her there’s no hurry.

She says that he might take some action that could hurt me if I don’t protect myself first.

I assure her that that won’t happen. I know him.

The woman who has worked on thousands of divorces that have gone south for some reason doesn’t want to take the word a a half wit that had no idea that her husband was going steady for a year and still swears by his trustworthiness.

“I still think you should send me the papers and call me the second he does anything questionable.”

I say ok but I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. Would he?

66. Comeuppance (#64) additions

My sister in law, Judy, just reminded me that I had told her about the guy getting stuck upside down in the rocking chair a long time ago. She said I left out a few things.

1. Though he was insisting that he wasn’t hurt, he had a big red knot on his head.

2. The rocking chair was broken and the owner of the apartment kept saying it was a family heirloom.

3. While he was being questioned someone, I think it was dave, said  “leave him alone, he’s embarrassed.

Did I have to make this correction (addition) ?


65. To the man who sold me a lottery ticket, you do not have a nice hat

I received a very sweet email from a friend who has been following my blog.

He said he’s glad to see that the ratio of dark to light has changed.

I was giving this some thought on my way to pick up a prescription for the mental patient pills I began taking when this whole thing went down.

He’s right. In general I’m feeling much better, the pills definitely help with this but still my every day life is happier.

I do have moments of true despair but as I told the doctor these are short lived and don’t come more that 4 or 5 times a week. More importantly, they are not directly connected to dave but more at facing life alone at my age. Not knowing how it will turn out financially adds to my stress also.

It is for that reason I have decided to go back to my  former pension plan of buying lottery tickets.

As you people know I’m not a complainer (heh heh) but something happened today that proves that some of the people that sell dreams in the guise of lottery tickets are thieving shitheels.

I had some of those papers that you fill out with your numbers in my pocketbook. I took them out and gave them to the man in the newspaper kiosk ( a crook if I’ve ever seen one). I was carrying several packages which added a bit of chaos to the transaction.

I thought I was giving him 3 forms.I even said “Here are 3 forms”

Instead 2 were stuck together and I gave him 4.  Unbeknownst to me 2 of those forms were identical. So I gave him one megamillion form, one powerball form and 2 lottery forms with the exact same numbers on it. Did he say Madam, you look like a person who just got dropped like a hot potato by a man who had sworn to care for you till death do you part so I want to check if you meant to give me 2 identical forms? No he didn’t.

Now I know he wasn’t obligated to correct my mistake but it would have been nice. And in my mind he is not a nice man.

I just noticed another thing good about writing a blog. You can be as boring as you like. If I was telling that story to anyone in person they would have picked up a book at “Unbeknownst to me”

64. Comeuppance

A long time ago dave and I were invited to a casual friend’s house for dinner.

When we got there  we were told that another couple would be arriving shortly. It seems the man had left his wife and 6 kids for the girl he was bringing. I wasn’t exactly expecting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie but I certainly couldn’t have imagined the two that arrived.

He was in his forties and really took himself seriously. He wore an ascot and kept a pipe in his mouth even when it wasn’t lit.

She was in her early twenties and was dumpy and wore glasses. She was wearing a suit in a big plaid that didn’t do her any favors.

Since beauty really is in the eye of the beholder I’m thinking that she saw David Niven (look him up) and he saw Sandra Dee.(ditto)

It was a small room and we all sat around drinking wine and talking.

Mr Niven chose the rocking chair in the corner and held court while Sandra gazed at him adoringly.

As he became more and more animated he rocked faster and faster.

All of a sudden the rocking chair turned completely over and he was in a sitting position upside down with his pipe still in his mouth.

The rocking chair was wedged into the corner and it took 3 of us to get it unstuck. When we finally got it righted (it took awhile ) we all asked if he was ok.

“Fine, fine” he said

“Listen” the host said “I heard your head hit the wall. Are you sure you’re alright?”

He insisted he was and the evening continues. No one even smiled.

We all left about a half hour later.

Outside the brownstone we told David and Sandra how nice it was to meet them and both couples promised to keep in touch.

As soon as they turned the corner, dave and I screamed with laughter.

Alls I’m sayin’ is the gods have a way of fixing cheaters.

63. If you’re reading this, you have a nice hat.

I picked up Violet at school yesterday.

There were a million kids there and I was afraid I wouldn’t find her. Then I felt a tap on my back and that smiley face was there. Her teacher was nearby and looked at me and nodded. I found that really interesting. Each teacher actually looked at the parent or guardian before letting the kid leave. Impressive.

Kids are all different it seems (I’ve only had dogs). There was a mother near me grilling her son about his day. He clearly didn’t feel like talking or even looking at her but that didn’t stop her.

Violet however is a yapaholic. Mostly funny things about school or each kid she passed but there was one tragedy. It seems that when you forget your jacket at recess, you lose 5 minutes of recess the next day. Guess who forgot her jacket?  Naturally I comforted her by saying “Who doesn’t forget their jacket once in awhile? Jeez! seems a little strict.” I know she liked that because she repeated it to her father when we got home.

Speaking of home, while we were walking she asked me about 3 times if I would come up to the house and spend a little time before going back to my house. It seems she had a lot more talking to do. Each time she asked me that she put her arm around my waist and hugged me.

Now did I shove her away and tell her not to be so clingy or did I kiss her and kiss her?

We went into a store to buy a present and Miss Smiley Face walked around chatting with the other patrons and trying to select the perfect gift for herself.

I was a shy kid. Even now I don’t like to go to parties where I don’t know people.

I learned something very useful from Liz. I once watched her at a party and while I sat alone  sullenly sipping my drink and sitting in the corner, she did the room. She walked up to one older woman (she was probably 10 years younger than I am now) and said “What a lovely hat” and they chatted away. Now I compliment strangers on their hats even if they aren’t wearing one.

I have no ability for small talk so this was a good thing to learn.

Whenever I’m put in a position to make idle conversation something nutty comes out of my mouth.

One time in Cincinnati dave and I were at a concert or something and dave introduced me to the wife of his music teacher from high school (the guy was long dead by then). She went on and on at how dave was always at their house shmoozing (my word, not hers) about music.

Now I have no idea why I said this but my response to her was “Well I hope he didn’t steal anything”.

“Oh no, no, he didn’t” She answered. I bet she replayed that conversation in her head over and over. I know I did.

62. Oops Still woodpeckers and vengeance but to another guy

Listen, I’m 67. The bulb ain’t as bright any more.

Cheryl just called me and told me that mancow was born in 1969 so I’m mixing him up with another guy.

BUT all the bad stuff I wrote about him is true only he’s a Howard Stern wanna be instead of an Imus wanna be.

He is still a shock jock who’s a schmuck.

He better watch out too. And that other guy, I forgot his name, is cruisin’ for a bruisin’ just because he would have been mean to Julie too if he wasn’t dead or something.

61. Woodpeckers and Vengeance

I was going to write about woodpeckers but I’m boiling mad so that will have to go on the back burner (heh heh good one)

Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. Instead of going back to sleep I decided to watch the reunion of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and followed it up with Watch What Happens.(this is the good part of sleeping alone you can enhance your intellectual side at all hours of the day or night) Before I knew it it was 4:30. For the first time in my life I took the phone off the hook since my family starts calling at 7.

I woke up at my regular time and put the phone back on.

About 10 minutes later it rang and who was there but my niece Julie calling from her book tour.
“What’s the matter?” Jews always answer the phone that way but even so it was early for her to call and she sounded upset.

“I’m shaking. mancow hung up on me” notice he gets no capital letters.

I may be the only person any of you know who knows who mancow is. When she told me she was being interviewed by him I knew it spelled trouble. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make her nervous.

He’s a guy who wasn’t even relevant in the 70’s which was his hay-day . His claim to fame was that Imus was his friend. When Howard Stern came on the scene he tried to up his shock jock persona but he was always small time and New York radio stations wouldn’t have pissed on him.

I knew that since he would have nothing in common with any of Julie’s readers he was going to have to make fun of her in some way.

My reaction to that asshole hanging up on her was that ending that phone call was the best case scenario. I also told her that his audience of 15 year old boys jerking off to him interviewing strippers wouldn’t be buying her book anyway so who cares.

The thought of my little skinny Julie sitting alone in a hotel shaking because of this shmuck drives me crazy. I will get him someday. I don’t know when and I don’t know how. (By “get him” I mean give him a real mean look”)

Now on to the Woodpecker (capital “W”)

As I wrote, yesterday I was feeling a little low. Whenever that happens I start thinking about the trip I’m taking with my sister. I’ve been wondering what kind of food they serve in Lisbon. I looked up the hotel my travel agent Paula had booked for me ( I double love her) and scrolled down to the menu from the hotel restaurant.

The first dish on the menu was Woodpecker.

There is a woodpecker who is eating my house in montauk.

I printed out the menu. I’m going to tape it to the corner of my house just under the roof eaves just to let him know that he’s lucky he isn’t Portuguese.

60. When you come upon a unique slut you’d better grab her.

Most of the time I’m fine but every once in awhile a lightening bolt of emotion comes over me. Yesterday it was realizing that I live alone that did it.

Being the baby of the family I was very attached to my sisters and my parents. When I was about six years old my mother sent me to sleep away camp with my sister Marcia. I trace my frequent bouts with homesickness to that.

I went to camp for many years and I never understood how anyone could go voluntarily.

For the first 5 years of my marriage dave used to insist that we go to Europe for 4 or 5 weeks in August. I found that torturous.

You’re all probably saying the same thing dave said to me. “Poor you. You’re forced to go to Italy  for the summer”.

Unless you have felt homesickness you wouldn’t understand what I was feeling. It is the  loneliest, emptiest feeling.

I missed my family, I missed my dog, Norman and I missed my home.

Eventually dave agreed to rent a house in Montauk instead of going to Europe. As it turned out. we bought one.

When I think back at that I realize that even then, dave wanted a more exciting life than I did. I always loved the familiar. He always loved the unique.

Maybe it’s not so surprising that he found someone else.

I only wish he hadn’t waited until I got old.

59.Sometimes being a tattletale is a good thing

Liz must be sleeping.

How do I know?

Because I got 3 emails from David. He’s like a big baby. When mommy is asleep he likes to tease the neighbors. He knows that if she knew he was doing this she’d put a stop to it STAT. But he’s bored so…

The first one is a picture of some idiot’s mailbox (probably from Texas) It’s a giant loaded gun. You put the mail in the barrel.

The second one had to do with some kid getting lost in the supermarket and not knowing what his mother looks like because she was wearing a chador ( he just loves the stereotype gags and none better than Islamic)

The third some crap putting down President Obama.

These were all forwards that he passed on to me. How he finds these people that send him this stuff I have no idea.  His purpose of sending them to me is solely to irritate .

Well Liz will wake up sooner or later and I’m telling and he’s really gonna get it. So there!