424. I love my family

This past Saturday was my great nephew Jacob’s Bar Mitzvah.

My nephew Brian and his two girls spent the weekend at my house and we all drove up together to celebrate in Connecticut.

Naturally I drove, it being my car, with nothing but criticism from Brian.

First because I passed by two different exits that the GPS told me to get off on because I knew a better way. At least I thought I did. It turns out I was wrong and we did a bit of backtracking.

As I told Brian, in my defense I wasn’t paying that much attention and I thought I was on a different parkway.

Second, when we were almost there, Brian discovered, to his shock and dismay, that there was only one seat belt in the back seat so one of his daughters was at risk.

All during the Bar Mitzvah Brian was giving me suggestions on how to immediately get the rear seat belt fixed when I got home.

Julie just laughed at him.

“She’s not going to fix it”

He gave me a disbelieving look. “You won’t?”


“Why not?”

“Why would I? My car is a million years old and no one ever sits in the back seat”

“Sadie did (that’s his daughter)”

“So if once in a blue moon Sadie sits in the back, she can hold on”

Back to the Bar Mitzvah.

It was wonderful until I got on the dias with my sister Marcia and my brother in law Paul and got the giggles. The whole time the Lady Cantor gave me dirty looks trying to  make me get hold of myself.

She was the last person to give advice since she had a hacking cough that she was intent on spreading and blew her nose like a fog horn every time she wasn’t singing.

It brought to mind all the functions I’ve ruined. I laughed hysterically at my friend Sue’s first wedding, I burst into tears at my niece Laura’s wedding when I was supposed to do a reading and my phone rang during the ceremony at my niece Alexandra’s wedding.

If anyone puts me front and center again they get what they deserve.

The day was wonderful and when it was time to leave Brian insisted on driving. He put me in the no seatbelt seat while Sadie sat up front since I was the only one who was dispensable .

As he explained he was the head of his family and the two girls “had so much to live for” while it was clear that I wasn’t putting my twilight years to good use for the most part as far as Brian could see.

Since on the trip home we would be passing Katonah, Brian asked his girls if they’d like to see where he grew up. Sadie who had 1. just escaped the jaws of death by no seatbelt  and 2. knew which side her bread was buttered on and who pays for that butter, said “Sure Dad, I’d love to”

So while Brian pointed out his high school, his junior high school  and where all of his friends lived,Sadie oooed and ahhhed with interest and appreciation and her sister, Lily sat in the back seat pretending to shoot herself in the head with her finger.

I wanted to show that I was every bit as much fun as their father so on the way back from parking the car I showed the girls where my dentist’s office was.

423. I’m thinking of twerking at my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah

One of my pet peeves is being dismissed because I’m old but after giving it some thought I realized that it’s partly my fault.

I am not embracing new things until they are a memory in the minds of the younger set. I remember when I used to laugh at my sister Iris  who referred to me as a “swinging single” in my twenties about 2 years after that was an acceptable expression.

Also how funny was it to see our parents in leisure suits? Bad example, they were never in style.

Why just this  morning I was talking to Julie and agreed with something she said by responding “For shizzle” when I clearly should have said “Word”.

I tried on a pair of those pants the other day, I don’t know what they call them but they look like harem pants with a low slung crotch. I didn’t buy them because I kept falling down when I tried walking in them but I’m going right back to that store and getting them today. I can practice at home until they become a second skin.

I might get a tattoo also. Something on my ankle. Maybe a snake or a picture of  one of the “Lil’s”

Also I notice that I don’t stick my tongue out in photographs as much as I should.

Yep I’ve had it with people offering me a seat on the bus.

My friend texted me about yesterday’s blog entry saying that her boyfriend said that his dog would never pee inside.

First of all, I never said his dog peed. I said he did.

Plus, every dog that ever came in my house peed under that desk. Since it used to be dave’s desk I think it’s the animal kingdom showing what they think of dave leaving me.


422. Ya know that thing about killing the messenger?

I had a BBQ last night, actually it was yesterday because it started at 3 p.m.

It was really good. I think everyone had a nice time. Who doesn’t love turkey burgers and hot dogs? And loads of wine. I even had a pitcher of wine with fresh peaches in it which almost demands that you drink more than you might  if it wasn’t there.

Today I discovered that one of my guests peed 4 times under my desk. There was only one person there that I didn’t  know before.  It was probably him.

He did have a dog with him but he said she was house broken so it couldn’t have been her. It had to be the guy.

He’s dating a friend of mine. I wonder if I should warn her that if he comes to her house she should keep an eye on him.

Nah, just my luck to try and do a good deed and have her get all hoity toity claiming that I was framing him because he was a stranger to me. She’d probably even claim that I did it myself just to break them up, me being a woman alone.

Yep maybe I should  just keep this info in my vest pocket.  It’s only a matter of time before this guy pees or drops a deuce under her desk.

I’ll just smile knowingly when she tells me about it.



421. Today’s lesson: Jews, snakes and guns

I just got an email from my niece, Stephanie. It said:

“I just pulled a snake out of my car. It was in my side pocket and I was putting my hand in there for a pen and felt it.     You should’ve heard my screams.”

That’s the second snake story that has occurred in my family recently. Remember the snakes in the towels at Marcia’s house?

What’s with all the snakes?  Jews don’t have snakes yet my people seem to be overrun with them. Is it some kind of sex thing?

David and his sons are in Texas watching the Texas Bluebirds play the Oklahoma Hot Dogs. I think that’s the name of those teams.

He keeps sending me and Liz pictures of Texans walking down the street in Dallas with machine guns hanging on their shoulders.

It seems that they are having some kind of demonstration because even though Texas is full of nuts they haven’t seen fit to allow those nuts to openly carry guns.

These people are marching to not have to keep their guns in their dungaree pockets or for the ladies, in their bras.

Think of all the time you waste if you have to reach into your clothing to get your gat. You’re just asking for a second thought or two so you  might not shoot someone for taking your parking spot. Yep cool heads are dead heads.

Naturally David jumped right in line with them and he brought his two innocent sons with him.

If those two weren’t almost thirty I’d fight for custody and I’d win.

419. My country for a Hershey bar.

It’s 9:36 on Yom Kippur morning and I haven’t eaten yet.

I usually don’t fast because my sister Marcia fasts for my sins so I don’t have to. And also I haven’t really done anything bad this year but maybe I’ll give it a try.

I was talking to Marcia before. I know I’m not supposed to talk on the phone but it’s 9:42 now and I still haven’t eaten or had coffee so I can’t be held responsible if I act crazy.

I told her that I wanted to go to Hugh McCracken’s memorial in a few weeks so I wrote to dave to make sure that he wouldn’t be in NYC because then I wouldn’t go.

I wouldn’t want to see him and I certainly wouldn’t want to see HER.

He won’t be so I will go.

I really cared about Hugh and I love his wife so I’m glad about that.

Marcia asked me  “What did he blow?”

This goes back to an old story where dave and I were in a Hertz place waiting for a car and we struck up a conversation with a woman who had one too many facelifts and a lot of silver jewelry on and when she heard that dave was a musician, showing how hip she was, she asked “What do you blow?”

dave answered, “Piano”.

Well Hugh blew guitar and harmonica.

Which reminds me of a story about the late Sam Brown, also a guitar player. My friend Susan Appleman told me that Sam told her that he could tell time by looking at an apple but it was never the right time. Susan was forced to tell him that if it was never the right time then he can’t tell time by looking at an apple. This has nothing to do with nothing but it’s 9:58 and still no food.

Man, how did Ghandi do it?

I had a drink with David last night (before sundown) and I happened to mention that I was planning on meeting a friend of his, Donna, for a drink in the near future.

Let me give you a little history on this. Donna is someone I have never heard him utter a bad word about and that’s saying something. He’s known her forever and he loves and admires her so I wasn’t surprised at his reaction to this but even for him this was a bit harsh.

“What do you have in common with Donna? Let me help you with this. Zero.”

“I have plenty in common with her.”

“Oh yeah? She’s a white Anglo Saxon hedge fund executive, and you?”

“I’m white.” I said  “Oh yeah and we both know what an asshole you are.”

10:13 and I’m starting to hallucinate.

418. I wonder if I do need those penis enlarger pills.

Since dave has flown the coop and Liz is in Santa Fe I have become the man on the 18th floor.

I know, I know, you’re saying “What about David? He looks big and strong and he watches football.”

Well that’s the extent of his manliness (as far as I know).

I’m the one who fixes the TV, the cable and even carries stuff because of his weak arm. He keeps saying he has a weak arm.

He’s been complaining that there is no internet in his apartment for over a week. He also insists that his TV isn’t High Definition, even though it is.

Since I didn’t believe him about the HD TV until I tested it myself I didn’t do anything about it. After checking it I realize he’s right.

I’ve been on the phone with the cable company for days trying to get the internet working.

I was in his house climbing on a ladder testing the modem and the airport to see where the problem is. What is he doing during this?

Sitting on the couch with his eyes glued to the TV only looking my way, not to see if the old lady has fallen off the ladder, but to question how much longer it would take me because the noise was distracting.

I’m sure he would have held the ladder for me but, you know, the bad arm.

When I spoke to the cable company they agreed that the HDTV problem might well mean that he needs a new cable box.

I told David that I would bring the box to the cable company and exchange it even though I will have to take 2 buses and carry a heavy thing but in return he’d have to buy me a 3 course meal plus beverage.

Using one of his favorite expressions, he tried to “Jew me down” saying that three courses were  out of the question unless I got the HD AND the internet fixed.

Again speaking for you, my faithful reader, you are wondering why he doesn’t take the box back himself. Here’s why. He wouldn’t have the slightest idea what to say to the cable people about his problem. He doesn’t know the word modem, or even what kind of TV he has. Any question they asked him would leave him standing there ready to attack the heritage of the person who asked him the question so for the good of mankind I will handle it.

Speaking of handle, the handle on his toilet broke off. I have to wind this up so I can go over to Home Depot and buy a toilet kit and I can fix his toilet.

417. You need the people that love you to tell you the truth

My sister, Marcia, Julie, Violet and her friend went out to Montauk with me to enjoy the end of season and see if my house was still there after a bunch of twenty-somethings rented it for the summer.

For the most part it was in good shape and I loved that they didn’t bug me at all while they were there.

It’s always good to see Marcia. She lives far away so it doesn’t happen that often. We do fall right back in step though.

She was telling me a story of how a friend of hers went into a jewelry store that Marcia used to shop at and bargained the price of a watch down from $500 to $225. After that Marcia never went into that store again since she had always paid the prices they asked assuming they were firm and she didn’t know how to negotiate.

I agreed and told her a story about a period when dave and I started collecting antique musical instruments. I had gone into a flea market and saw two long horns. They were priced at $50 dollars. I went back and forth with the woman until she agreed to sell them both to me for $25.

As she was wrapping them up she said “I’m really losing money on this.”

I felt bad about that so my response was, “Well how about if I add another five dollars?”

I said to Marcia ” The look of shock on her face told me that I was..” I paused to think of a word, when Marcia jumped in with “a moron?”

It was like a mean version of Mad Libs.

416. Saturday Night Fever

I don’t have a theme today. Both too much and nothing much has happened.

First of all as some of you may know, Julie has become my Saturday night date.

For about three weeks She has been saying that she has a hankering for Mexican food. Unfortunately Violet would not give the okay on that so we decided to go Mexicali this weekend without her.

Because we’re both social network savvy, especially Julie, we put it out on Twitter that we wanted a good, not fancy, Mexican restaurant.

We got loads of responses. We sifted through them, discussed them thoroughly and then went to one that no one recommended that was just near my house.

It was so stinky that as we were going home we both blamed each other for the choice. Actually she blamed me because she’s the kid. I blamed her too but I kept it to myself because any time  you criticize Julie she says “I didn’t ask to be born”.

I don’t want to say that my family cares a lot about meals but it’s two days later and every phone call from her starts with her saying how much she hated that meal. This morning she told me that we would have done better heating up a can of Old El Paso.

That dinner pretty much ruined our whole evening because afterwards we had planned to go back to my house but Julie was so mad that she just decided to go home.

I don’t think it was the bad meal. We never feel like doing anything after we eat because we’re usually a. drunk and b. full.

Note to self:  If we want to extend the evening, we should eat later than 4:30 .

Anyway I took my time walking home and went in to Barnes and Noble and bought a book. It was really hot so I decided to walk though Duane Reade air conditioning to cool off.  (Note my product placement. “Hellooooo, send me free stuff)

I no sooner stepped into the store when, speaking of free stuff, some guy, I think he was the pharmacist, offered me a FREE flu shot.

Not one to turn down a freebie I immediately agreed and voila I’m flu free. At least I’m pretty sure I am. Do pharmacists have tattoos?

My arm is pretty swollen and red today. Ah I’m sure it was a flu shot. What else could it have been?