I’ve been taking a lot of heat for “picking on a little girl”.

In my defense the kid is almost 9 which happens to be the wiliest of ages. They put on that sweet little smile but deep inside there’s a bunch of devious crap going on.

And you will note she never did give any kind of rebuttal and even if she did she wouldn’t know the truth if it bit her in the ass.

Why just the other day she told me that there’s no such thing as the tooth fairy. Like those dimes just “appeared” under my pillow all those years ago.

But I happen to love her so we’ll put this little “conflict” aside and I’ll go back to kissing her until she shoves me away.

I spent a wonderful day with Susan yesterday.

At lunch she was telling me that Allan, her husband, is doing a tour of Hong Kong with BJ Thomas and Gary US Bonds.

She was saying that although she’d normally worry about him flying so far etc, the thought of what happened with me and dave brought a whole new item to the table.

“What if he has sex with some girl in Hong Kong?  And I know him. He’d justify it by saying that I wouldn’t care as long as he leaves me alone”

My experience has made me into a different person. My response was,

“Who cares as long as he doesn’t tell you about it. And as long as he uses protection so he doesn’t catch anything”

Then after thinking a minute I added ” And though I have no way of knowing for sure I’m guessing that even if he does catch something there’s no way you’ll get it unless he pees in your soup so you’re good”

Today will be one of my perfect days. I’m going to Brooklyn to play with Susan.

These days never fail to be great. We drive around and do whatever either of us wants to do. We almost always have lunch in the best greek restaurant we know.

These Brooklyn outings are totally stress free and fun. We have a long friendship and we’ve had some disagreements but never on our Brooklyn outings.

That isn’t always the case on all my jaunts. For example my lovely day with Violet ended with me calling her a little liar and her throwing the insult right back at me in spades.

We were in FAO Schwartz “just to look” while Julie was getting her hair done.

First we picked up her birthday present, some ghoul doll, then we just walked around.

Two teeny bopper sales girls called us over and offered to polish and draw on Violet’s nails with the once in  a lifetime sale of a set of nail polishes reduced from $49.95 to $29.95.

They did it and Violet liked it.

I told her to tell her mother and I’m sure she’d get it for her. I had already sprung for that creepy doll and I had no intention of upping the ante. (Thanks dave for making me too poor to buy a kid’s love)

We left the store and were about 3 blocks away when Violet stopped dead in her tracks and spoke with quivering lips, ” I should have taken the offer those girls were making”

It took me a minute to figure out what she meant but when I did I said “Let’s go back and get it”

Violet immediately turned around and double timed it back to FAO. The kid takes a cab to the bathroom but this walk she was happy to do.

When we get back to the display they have 3 set choices. Here’s where the seeds to the later conflict were laid.

Box 1 = all irridescent

Box 2 = All plain but brighter colors

Box 3 = half and half

I suggested twice that she take the plain box because the colors were sharper but she chose  Box 3.

They also said that if you buy 2 boxes you get this overlay wand that puts sparkles on the nails free.

Even though I said it was bullshit Violet reeeeally wanted that wand.

I turned to the girl and asked the price of the wand. She said it’s free. “With one box?” The girl said “yes”.

Violet later tarnished my image by telling her mother that the only reason we got the wand free was because I said a dirty word and scared the sales girl.

Now though I admit that “bullshit” is seldom heard in FAO Schwartz, it is by no means a real dirty word like, well, you know. And though the teen did appear a bit shaky when I asked the question about the wand I’m sure she wouldn’t go against the FAO rules just to protect herself from a little bitch slap.

Anyway we get to my house and Violet is looking at the back of the nail  polish box when her lip starts quivering again.

“What’s up now?”

“I don’t like these colors. I should have gotten the plain box (# 2). You shouldn’t have made me get this box.”

“What ? I told you to get the plain box. You insisted on this box”

“I did not. I only took this box to make you happy”

We were hurling the word “liar ” back and forth when her mother came to pick her up.

As the mature one who has always been a guiding light to both the daughter and her mother I told Julie that her kid’s pants were on fire.

On the way out, incidentally to exchange the polish, I heard Violet say to Julie, “Mom, you know that if I say something and Aunt Mattie says something else that she’s the one who’s lying”

I don’t know for sure but my guess is that my sweet Julie threw me under the bus.

The weekend is before me.

Miss Liz, David and Rupert are going to the Hamptons.

What to do? What to do?

Today’s pretty busy. I have to try and amuse Violet while Julie has her hair done. I find that any joke with the word  poop in it works wonderfully well. Violet is nothing if not a purist.

Then I’m thinking of going though my apartment and throwing away anything that I don’t need. Wires from long dead electronics come to mind plus  solidified spices, empty boxes, cold pill bottles with one pill in them, wedding albums. You know, stuff I don’t need.

Remember I spoke about the boring conversation I overheard the other day. When something is perfect I truly admire it no matter what it is.

Yesterday my niece forwarded a letter to me from someone she works on a committee with. I won’t tell you which niece but and because it’s the one I’m afraid of.

The letter was criticizing Steph, er I mean Jane Doe for being unkind to her at a meeting and calling her names. The letter continued on insulting and and threatening Jane. Excluding the errors in grammar and spelling it was still almost a perfect letter in it’s stupidity.

It brought to mind a letter that I’ve kept on my bulletin board above my desk since 4/19/91. I’ve always considered it a beautiful painting where you see something new each time you read it.

It was from Bill, the male receptionist that worked for dave’s copyist and man of all talents Emile Charlap. Emile has what has always been known as a one stop music office. He makes arrangers, producers and copyists welcome so that when they get work Emile can get done for them whatever needs doing.  For many years any big time music jobs went through Emile’s office.

I called the office . I was in a real state because while walking our dogs my sister fell down and broke her leg. This right after she had completed chemotherapy. I wanted to talk to dave but this guy Bill kept joking and not putting dave on no matter how much I insisted.

A few days later I got the following letter. IN ALL CAPS.

DEAR MATTIE:

OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS OF WORKING IN EMILE’S OFFICE I HAVE TAKEN ENDLESS MESSAGES, WROTE LETTERS, TAKEN FAXES, CALLED MESSENGERS AND DONE MANY MANY OTHER FAVORS FOR DAVE. 9 TIMES OUT OF 10 THESE FAVORS HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH BUSINESS RELATED TO EMILE’S OFFICE.  BUT I DON’T MIND IN THE LEAST DOING THESE FAVORS FOR DAVE. IN FACT I FIND IT EXCITING & REWARDING (HOWEVER MUNDANE THE CHORES) TO BE INVOLVED IN HELPING A MUSICIAN THE CALIBER OF DAVE.  I FIND HIS TALENT AMAZING IN ITS DEPTH , SCOPE & VARIETY.

ALSO OVER THE PAST 2 YEARS THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A CROSS WORD BETWEEN DAVE & MYSELF OR YOU & MYSELF. OUR RELATIONS HAVE  BEEN NOTHING BUT CORDIAL AND JOVIAL. NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS SHOCKED, SURPRISED, & DEEPLY HURT WHEN YOU CALLED ME AN “INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE”.  IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOU WANT CHANGED IN THE STYLE OR SUBSTANCE OF THE WAY I EXECUTE THESE ENDLESS FAVORS I DO FOR YOU OR DAVE YOU CAN  JUST COMMUNICATE IT IN A FRANK NON-INSULTING MANNER. I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR WISHES TO THE VERY BEST OF MY ABILITY.

I AM WILLING TO FORGIVE & FORGET THIS UNPLEASANT INCIDENT ALTHOUGH AN APOLOGY FROM YOU WOULD NOT BE REJECTED OR INAPPROPRIATE. I TRUST THIS WAS JUST AN ISOLATED DISCORD IN AN OTHERWISE HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIP.

YOURS TRULY,

Needless to say, this letter is not one of the things I’m going to throw away. It still sings.

Miss Liz and Rupert are back. All is right with the world.

Last night David came home too so for the first time in eons we shared the morning together.

I happened to mention that looking at my blog map I noticed that Canada is bigger than the United States. There is nothing David loves more than me saying something stupid.

He went on this giant rant about how every first grader knows this and how we should be importing more oil from Canada but because of Obama we are taking it from the arabs. (I think he called them something else but this time it was in a whisper because Liz was ironing a shirt right near him. His slurs had the words “jockey” and “towel” in them)

“I bet you don’t have any idea how much oil we import from the arabs”

He was prepared for me to look at him blankly so he could go on some  kind of tirade about how uninformed I am and then he could proceed to spew out everything he knows on the subject but I surprised him.

“Yes I do.”

He was momentarily speechless, something that doesn’t happen often. Then he said “You do not. Go ahead tell me about it.”

“We get 1% from the arabs, 40% from Canada, 6% from Ohio, and just a bit from Miami”

He was still sputtering when Liz told him to get off the couch. She had to smooth out the cushions because they were having some French people over for drinks.

He got up and went to the other chair. As soon as Liz fixed the couch Rupert immediately jumped up on it. David looked at Liz to see if she’d tell Rupe to get off but she kept ironing.

“How come I have to get off the couch and that fucking dog can lie all over  it?”

He said this in a very soft whisper. He certainly wouldn’t want Lizzie to hear him.

More legal crap going on but I’m trying to not let it get me down.

I was talking to my nephew Barry yesterday , the doctor from Oregon (and yes, David he went to Cornell) and he asked me how I am.

I said some days good, some days bad.

He seemed totally surprised like “Aren’t you over that yet?”

First of all he caught me at a bad time. I had just come back from having dinner at Julie’s where cocktails are de rigueur and since I had 2 wines I was as they say, easily weepy.

Secondly, Jeez I had the rug pulled out from under me suddenly and even though it’s been a year and I’m probably doing  better than most I still wake up having to remember that I live alone and if I see a mouse I need to use the phone to tell anyone.

And doesn’t the little shit read my blog? Doctor, shmocter, that chick from Canada and a couple of Mexicans find time to read it.

Poor him he has to cure some stranger of something icky so he’s too busy to check in on his aunt?  Who I should remind him when she was 10 years old put a half slip on her head and pretended to be a fairy princess for his amusement and delight. THAT  wasn’t exactly no trouble. And frankly it doesn’t say much for his brain power that  that was enough of a disguise to fool him.

I feel better now that I let it out. That kind of crap can eat you away inside so that you’d have to call your nephew who’s a doctor.

I went to the movies alone yesterday and I have to admit I pitied myself.

It was a Woody Allen movie. I liked it okay.

At least this time I wasn’t the only one in the theatre but it is New York and it was Woody Allen. Of course on a Saturday afternoon there wasn’t anyone there under 60.

And guess what. They all talked during the movie. No, not talked, yelled.

“Whad he say?”

“Is that a rug?”

“Is Alex Guinness supposed to be a ghost or what?”

“Where da ya wanna eat?”

“We had chinese last night”

They were mostly couples, or friends together.

I found it interesting that they stayed for all the credits. Then I figured that they were in no hurry because it was about 3:30 so they had an hour to kill before dinner. I’m guessing deli.

Yesterday I wrote about people from other lands who are reading my blogs and much to my delight I heard from one of them. I then realized that in addition to my new best friend Ceecee I have a lot of friends from Canada.

Most outstanding is my friend Eva. We were really close friends since college. I mean really close but one day when I asked her if she felt guilty for smoking in a closed car with her kids that friendship went south. Sometimes I’m such a pompous schmuck know it all that I’m surprised anyone wants to be my friend. I never could fix our friendship after that.

Eva and I spent our weekends going from restaurant to restaurant eating one item from each place. We were in our late teens but we weren’t bogged down with dates so we had plenty of time to frolic. I remember a period when our only entertainment was paying tolls with a giant rubber gorilla hand. Good times  spent constructively.

Eva wasn’t born Canadian. She moved there after she was married. Her marriage was kind of romantic. After college she took a job in California and asked around for someone who wanted to share the driving with her. One of her friends introduced her to this guy Walter and when they got as far as Las Vegas they got married. That marriage stuck. At least they were still going strong 10 or so years ago when I last spoke to her.

Another Canadian friend is Paul Shaffer. Well “friend” is stretching it. More than an acquaintance but not quite a friend. Although I was invited to his wedding. Well “invited” is a strong word. He let me come.

I just realized why I’m so obsessed with friendships today. I’m reading Julie’s new book “Friendkeeping” and it’s making me think about my friend connections except mine aren’t nearly as funny or poignant as hers.

Anyway now that I think of it I only have 2 Canadian friends plus my new best friend Ceecee and since Eva hates me I only have Paul plus Ceecee and Ceecee doesn’t really know me and if Paul never saw me again he wouldn’t notice it.

Another thing is that David who is in Santa Fe with Lizzie finally commented on my blog to insult my dear Ceecee so bye bye Ceecee.

How he was able to find a Canadian slur is beyond me. As you can see the quality of my friends has diminished through the years.

When you write a blog you can tell how many people from each country are reading your stuff. There are 3 people in Canada and 24 people in Mexico who read my thing yesterday that I’m wondering about. I’d like to know who they are. Not for any reason but maybe I could sprinkle some Canadian and Mexican in my writing to keep them interested.

I’m seeing Julie and Violet again today. Julie seemed down in the dumps since her computer is broken. Well down in the dumps may be a bit strong but she did put something on Facebook about becoming a crack whore since she had so much time on her hands.

I’m nothing if not tuned in so I called and asked if she’d like to go to Costco. Although she seemed to like the idea, until I sprinkled it with lunch and Toys R Us we couldn’t get Violet to okay the trip.

I’m off now. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m back. It went well. Violet even let me get my brake light fixed so I know she was  enjoying the day.

Costco is truly a Jew Wonderland. Huge packs of crap that will enable you to not buy more of that same crap for a year.

It brings the essence of my mother back.  My mother never bought one of anything. Since she had 4 daughters 5 was the magic number of any purchase.

I think my sister wrote about my mother buying 5 vibrators in different colors because she thought they were face massagers. For as long as I could remember she kept hers on my father’s dresser. I don’t know that it was ever used , just the thought of that gives me the screaming meemies.

I was about 12 at the time so mine just stayed on my bookcase.

Not one person ever remarked on the oddity of this. I guess they realized that we all had very relaxed looking faces.

I went to American Express to cash in some foreign money for Stephanie. She and her husband Terry have no doubt been collecting it for a million years because much of it couldn’t be cashed because either the country was now on euros or they were old bills.

While I was there I came upon one of my favorite things. A story or conversation that was so perfectly boring that it became an art form.

It seems that one of the AE workers had gone to the cupcake store and brought back a cupcake for one of her co workers at his request.

I know I can recall it because every one of the sentences was said at least 3 times. Even my saying that rather than stating it the correct number of time steals some of the beauty of the exchange.

“They didn’t have the one you told me you wanted but this one seemed to be most like it. I thought of calling you but I didn’t want to bother you and I said to myself “I’ll take a chance and if he doesn’t like it I’ll eat it myself” so you don’t have to pay me for it. I can save it and eat it tomorrow because I’m a chocoholic. that’s in case you decide you don’t want it.”

“That’s okay, I’ll take it.”

“Because you don’t have to take it. I can eat it tomorrow. I’ll just wrap it up and then I can eat it in the afternoon tomorrow. I thought “Should I call him and see if he’d like this one but I said no I’ll take a chance” but if you don’t want it I can eat it tomorrow.

“No I’d really like it but if you prefer to keep it that’s okay”

“Well if you don’t want it I can keep it but I think you’ll like it. It’s all chocolate even inside, I’m a real chocoholic so if you change your mind… ”

The guy took the cupcake which was $4.50 but he told her to keep the change.

“Are you sure? It might have been a little more than $4.50 with the tax.”

I had to leave so I never found out how it went with the cupcake because I heard her asking if he liked it and he said he hadn’t tasted it yet but he was looking forward to it.

I cried 2 times this morning.

Once when I spoke to my broker about my money situation and the other time with relief when I realized that I didn’t have to go on the voyage through the cosmic crapland that is the Planetarium again today.

Half the day yesterday was spent with Violet lying on the floor  taking pictures of a black ceiling and Julie trying to answer her emails on her iphone since her computer died.

First of all it cost an arm and a leg to get in there even with my old person’s discount.

Now I remember the Planetarium as being a dark room with comfortable seats that you could sit in and admire the show or catch forty winks, whichever you desire.

No such luck. If you wanted said experience it cost more money, namely the body that connects the arm and leg you already paid to get into the place or as the woman in the gift shop said “If you wanna sit down ya gotta pay”

What they had for your entrance fee was a load of  holes you can look through and rocks you could touch and displays of some planet that used to be a moth.

Violet seemed to love it and Julie couldn’t get enough of photographing signs that said  “Gaseous mixtures” or Uranus.

The only slightly bearable part was a 4 minute experience of the Big Bang narrated by Liam Neeson which was hard to hear because the woman standing next to me kept  cracking her gum. If it wasn’t for me and Julie doing a chain of  “Not bad getting banged by Liam Neeson” chatter on the way out even that would have been a bust.

I’m not sure what I’m doing today but whatever it is my eyes will be looking downward the whole time.