869 Jes’ Being Neighborly

It was a little after 7:30 this morning and my phone rang.  I was up but still in bed.


“My God damn internet is out”

“David, it’s the crack of dawn.”

“I’ve been up for hours. My internet isn’t working.”

I know that David does a lot of business all over the world on the internet so this could be important.

“You want me to come over and fix it?”

“Yes” but he’s saying it like “Duh”

Ray has heard David’s voice over the phone so he’s twirling and hopping to the door.

I throw on some clothes and go down the hall. His door is open.

He’s sitting on the couch pressing the clicker over and over and cursing.


“This thing keeps going out. What’s the code for the wifi.” Now note that this is where HE lives.

I give him the code but it still doesn’t work.

“I’m going to have to climb up and restart the modem.”

I go get the step ladder. He’s 60 and I’m 71 with bad knees but neither one of us suggests that he should climb up and do this because 1. he’s a spazz and 2. even if he climbed up he would have no idea how to disconnect anything.

This doesn’t work either.

Then he gives me the information that his phone has wifi, it’s cable and internet he doesn’t have. So clearly it wasn’t a business thing. I’m wondering what’s so important that he couldn’t wait an hour or 2 to call me?

I drag the ladder over to the TV and restart the cable box. He is mumbling insults at me the entire time.

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. You’re gonna break the whole thing.”

The box restarts and the cable and internet go on perfectly.

“What do you say?” I ask him as I stand up to walk out.

“Thank you. Wait a minute. You gotta watch this.”

He goes on Netflicks and clicks on a documentary called “Dawg Fights”, Bare knuckle fighting in the slums of Miami.

I can say not one word to show my contempt. I just turn to leave.

As I get to the door I say ” I’m going to be out with Julie today from 2 to maybe 8. Will you look in on Ray?”

He doesn’t take his eyes off the screen.

“Can’t, I’ll be in and out”.


868. We must keep on improving if we want to be better than other people.

Here’s why it’s important to have a sister when you live alone.

Tomorrow I’m going with Julie to an event that Dick Cavett will be at.

I was talking to my sister Marcia this morning and I said there are 2 good things about this and one bad thing.


1. I love being with Julie more than any other thing.

2. I talk to myself a lot and one of the things I talk about is what I would ask certain famous people if I were to meet them.

for example:

Billy Joel; What does “Vienna Waits For You” mean?  Met him, got my answer.

Dick Clark; Why didn’t “Remo Williams, The Adventure Begins” continue when at the end of the movie they said it would and it was great. Never met him. Still stymied.

Dick Cavett; You interviewed Jeffrey McDonald, the guy who is in prison for killing his wife and two children. Do you think he did it?

There are plenty more of these so the opportunity to meet one of the people who can answer my question is really good.

There is a side issue to this. I’ve had the opportunity to ask this question before. Dick Cavett has a house in Montauk.

You know, the place where I’ve had a house for over 30 years and due to the fact that my ex husband ran away to be in love, I’ve had to rent it out and none of you fuckers has seen his or her way to spending a lovely, peaceful, fun filled summer in the real happiest place on earth, I’m left in the lurch.

Not to mention that the spineless pieces of shit that came to look at it were scared away by a few carpenter bees and the inability to use the upstairs a/c because there is a bird’s nest under it.

Yeah I’m going to murder a few baby birds in the prime of their lives so you cock suckers won’t sweat a little and anyway that tiny a/c couldn’t cool that big room even if you did make me commit a major nature felony so you’d be fucked anyway and even a moron would know that if they just looked around the room and saw that I have 2 fans there.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I’ve been seeing Dick Cavett in the local store on many a Sunday where we buy the NY Times but I was always too shy to go over and talk to him.

This time I intend to fight my fear and ask him.


I have to leave Ray for a lot of hours.

When I told this to Marcia her reaction was that I’m taking all the joy out of having a dog I love.

I’m staying home way too much because I feel bad leaving him. He’s an old dog and he probably sleeps while I’m out. Plus he’d be dead if it wasn’t for me. And I leave food and the terrace door open so his needs are all taken care of.

I realize that I have to be reminded of this periodically so I can have a good life. That is because I am crazy.

I am turning over a new leaf.

I’m going to Home Depot today with out taking Ray with me in his carriage.

David said I have to buy a new bbq scraper because I’m still using the one he gave me five years ago and it makes him sick.

So much of what I do makes him sick. Remember when I complained about the restaurant next door having a B for cleanliness and he said that I’d have to work for a week to get my kitchen up to a B?

Also I’m looking forward to being with Julie tomorrow with no reservations.

And Susan, see you next week for lunch and a haircut.

One thing that won’t change is my contempt for you bastards that are afraid of a few bees.

You can kiss my ass.



867. Shades of Grey

My sweet niece Cheryl is visiting.

She and I  have somewhat of a routine.

During the day she has meetings and stuff (she’s a famous writer) but our evenings are pretty much the same.

1. Cocktails

2. Dinner, usually out

3. Pj’s

4. Download a movie.(We used to watch the Bravo shows that I had taped but she’s gotten so snotty that we don’t do that any more)

Number 4 is the hard one. Cheryl and I get comfortable in the 2 lounge chairs in front of my TV and then the negotiations begin.

I will say that when she first started coming here it was “Whatever you want Aunt Mattie”. Now we fight to defend our choices (Me= intellectual documentaries; Cheryl=anything with blood and guts)

Last night we were scrolling through the selections, nah, nah, nah. Nothing seemed right. We began again.

When we got to “50 Shades of Grey” there was a pause. Neither one of us gave it a nah.

“Did you see it?”

“No, you?”


Me, “You don’t think it would be uncomfortable watching this together?”

Cheryl “I don’t think it’s that explicit. I’m pretty sure it has a PG rating”

“Okay, let’s try it. We can turn it off or cover our eyes if it gives us the willies.”

It was a go.

Ar first our comments were very Siskel and Ebert.

Cheryl “He’s really cute but kind of wooden”

Me,”I got no problem with wooden”

Then Anastasia and Christian start getting more “involved”.

I was giggling nervously and glanced over at Cheryl. She was checking her email. She looked over at me.

“It’s kind of boring”

I’m thinking what kind of animals are my niece and nephew if this is boring to her?

But it wasn’t long before “boring” was a distant memory even to her.

“Holy Shit!” and “What the hell?” and “How did her parents let her do this?” (this only because we know who her parents are. If she was any other actress that wouldn’t have come up)

I have to say that this was the nakedest nakedness I’ve ever seen. She wasn’t even wearing a barrette.

Needless to say we watched the whole thing and to reaffirm that we were indeed true film buffs and not just pathetic voyeurs, we also viewed the “Making of the Film” documentary at the end.

I only have one comment.

How come no wieners?



866. Rent My House Puleeeze

Ray and I went out to Montauk this weekend.

I haven’t rented my house yet and I can’t believe it. It’s so beautiful.



My main purpose for going out was to check and make sure everything was tip top.

I decided that my living room furniture could use a cleaning so I called all the cleaning services but no go for a holiday weekend. I finally got the name of an off duty East Hampton cop who came over on Friday morning.

His name was Frank. He was just wonderful. He cleaned the furniture and when he saw that I was going to climb up and turn on the outdoor shower, he insisted on doing it for me.

I wasn’t crazy about the fact that I looked so feeble that he didn’t trust me to do it myself but I was also happy that I looked too feeble to do it so I didn’t have to.

I am proud to say that when I noticed the basement sink was stuffed up I took the pump apart and cleaned the filter and made everything work like a charm.

Anyway the next day he called and said I should call him for anything I need “including police stuff”.

I wonder what he meant by that. The only thing I could think of is that if I’m picked up for being drunk and disorderly I should mention his name.

Good to know.

I spent most of the weekend with Susan and Allan.

We went out to dinner and walked our dogs on the golf course at night.

Ray was in heaven except when we were in Susan’s house. He was really scared there. He spent the whole time hiding in the couch and only got down if I carried him to the door.




I couldn’t really blame him.

Susan and Al have a monster in their house . Anyone would be frightened.




865. Don’t ask


Sorry, was I screaming aloud?

I have some arthritis in my knees, but that’s not why I’m crying ( I am crying, you know, add a few SOBs to the above)

My arthritis is not enough to incapacitate me but it can be uncomfortable on long walks.

When you live in NYC that’s how you get around, walking.  And even though I’ve suggested it, Ray seems totally unwilling to take himself around the block to do his business.

I’ve lived with this for awhile, taking an occasional Advil or 3, but I was wondering if there was some over the counter item that I could put on to make it a bit easier.

Being very computer literate I went right to Google to get some suggestions.

I did a light skimming on the subject and found that there were 3 different ingredients that would do the trick, some distracted you with the cold in their creams and others with the heat. Another one blocked the pain from traveling to your brain. I didn’t see any that actually cured but that wasn’t what I was looking for.

I immediately went to the drugstore. They only had a cream with one of the names that I wrote down from the internet.

Home I went to apply it.

At first it was fine. A few minutes later my knees felt like they had hot burning oil on them.

I jumped in the shower to wash it off and it only got worse.


I ran to the internet and read what they said a bit more carefully. It seems that the stuff I bought was  made from cayenne peppers, something I could have guessed when I rubbed my eyes and saw stars.

Oh yeah and it said don’t add water.

Just then Julie called.

I told her about my plight and read her what was written about the cream.

One of the things I read that I forgot said that the cream may “produce a sensation of hot or cold that may temporarily override your ability to feel your arthritis pain.”

“Wait a minute Jules, I’m thinking that this stuff works. I don’t feel my arthritis at all. The only feeling I have is that I’m being burnt alive.”

“Great”, Julie said “Next time just call me and I’ll hit you in the head with a hammer”

Sounds like a plan.



864. The Pet Guru

My niece Randy visited this weekend.

I never get to see her so this was really a treat. And Randy is special.

When she was about 12 years old she used her allowance and baby sitting money to buy me a fish tank with fish in it. It cost about $21, which was a huge amount to a kid at that time.

Then about 15 years ago I decided to get parakeets. Randy who never does anything half way had about a million birds so she drove down and brought me 2 parakeets that had been hand raised by her.

I had them for a few years.

After dave left Randy decided I needed another pet. Luckily she had about 40 cats at the time and she gave me Elvis.

He was just a baby and as Randy said, she doesn’t usually give kittens to anyone over 65 but she figured if I corked off she’d take him back, so she waived that rule.

cat cute


I was worried that Elvis was lonely so Julie found me Ray.

As you know my baby boy didn’t outlive me but I really loved him and miss him still.

Randy was going to meet Ray for the first time.

He acted like a real asshole. He barked or cried every time we weren’t playing with him and insisted that anyone who sat down had to be constantly kissed.

Here’s Randy meeting her cousin.



By the time she left the next day she was happy to get back to the peace of her house with her 10 cats, one dog and a few parrots.


863. Still sad but…

I keep looking at that picture of Lizzie and Rupe.  The expression on her face says it all. She knew that this was probably their last picture together.

I know how she felt. Every time she brought him home I’d give him extra hugs when he left because it was surely the last time I’d see him.

I started doing that sometime in early 2014 but that little bastard kept holding on.

Liz would bring him home and I’d open my door and Ray would run like crazy to her and Rupe would trudge down the hall towards me very slowly with his tail wagging a mile a minute.

We gave him a very good life.

When you are your lowest that’s when Cher (who I think is God) gives you a blessing.

I opened my twitter account this morning and who should be following me but Justin Timberlake.

I can’t tell you how happy that made me.

How did he hear of me? I had to think and think.

Was it through dave? After all, dave’s relationship with James Brown made him a big deal to obscure people.

But if that was it he would probably follow dave?

Maybe some of the other musicians who follow my blog mentioned how clever I am to him and he just had to see for himself.

I was stymied but proud.

I decided to email my show biz /facebook/twitter pro, Julie.

I know a lot of you people like her but let me tell you, she can be cruel. Not as mean as Steph, but definitely harsh.

I wrote “Justin Timberlake is following me. I wonder how he found me”

She didn’t even ask to see the proof.

“He didn’t”

“What do you mean?It had his picture on it”

“Look at the email address”

I looked. It was a little vague.

Resenting her terribly but trying not to show it I said “It had his picture and he’s following me and it’s real”

“Yeah, I’m sure Justin Timberlake has 300 followers.”

Justin, if you’re reading this come to my house like you did in that commercial and let’s show that bitch Julie that she doesn’t know everything.

Love, Mattie

862. Sad

Rupert, the boy with 2 mothers has died.

He was all sweetness.

Here he is with his birth mother, Lizzie, a few days ago.

liz and her boy




861. Friendship

My friend Susan, actually my best friend, called me this morning and said that I had given the wrong impression in yesterday’s blog entry in saying that I had few friends.

“That sounds as if you want more friends which I know you don’t”

Now few people know me as well as Susan does so if she says something I must pay attention.

I reread what I had written. Yep it did suggest that I was open to making contact with new people if given the opportunity.

The fact that I consider a shitty person like David as one of my friends makes one think that I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel because I have no choice.

Let me tell you something, it has to do with proximity.

If  1. David and Liz broke up,

or 2. David moved to the 17th floor. (As you know I live on 18)

I’d drop him like a hot potato and I know he feels the same.

Now this isn’t new for me.

Remember I said that when I was married I never went anyplace unless dave was either busy or in Japan working on his exit plan.

I never had a girl’s night or went out to dinner with a girlfriend unless dave was otherwise occupied.

When dave ran away I did go places but it was not a natural situation for me.

Now that I have someone to replace dave I am content again and the friend door is closed.



There are exceptions.

I love being with anyone in my family. Maybe not everyone. I have a cousin who’s a real prick that I wouldn’t walk across the street to see. (You know who you are and if you don’t the other cousins do.)

I love being with Susan and when she joins us, Ronnie.

I guess that’s it.

I think there’s a girl in my building that I might want to be friends with. This is a combination of proximity and the fact that though she’s always nice when I meet her she clearly has no interest in taking it further.

There are people on Facebook that I really really like but they too are satisfied with leaving that relationship where it is and not moving to the next level and I’m fine with that.

The exception to this is the one who gave me cookies. I’ll let her into my limited circle any time.



860. No good deed

My nephew Terry is going to fix up my terrace so that it looks beautiful all year round with lots of evergreens.

I’m so excited about this but since I am not sane I am also suffering terribly.

I am so afraid that I am taking advantage of  him plus I am having bad dreams.

Last night I dreamt that he filled the whole thing with cement and turned it into an extra room without windows.

The night before I dreamt that I picked out so many expensive bushes that he had to sell his house because he didn’t want to disappoint me by saying no.

It’s a joy to do something for me, isn’t it?

On another subject, I was having cocktails with David last night. We were planning on going out to dinner.

Usually I drink a white wine very light spritzer but his company calls for something a little stronger so I had vodka.

This did have the unfortunate effect of me hugging and thanking for their service both my doorman and a cop who was giving someone a ticket outside my building. No need to go into that now though.

While David and I were chatting, or I was chatting, I remarked that I don’t have a lot of friends mainly because my closest friends are my family.

In spite of that low friend count I would still consider him one of them.

“Which is remarkable, David, because you are definitely the worst person I actually know”

“That may be true but you may also list me as the most erudite, sophisticated and well read person you know too”

Notice he didn’t argue with the “worst person” part.

I remarked that as far as David’s feelings towards me go I  know that the only times he wants to hang with me is when no one else he knows will play with him.

I’m not proud of that but that’s the way it is. I accept that.

I know people think it’s a one way friendship and in some ways that’s true.

I fix his computer and TV, I pick him up at the hospital, I take him to Costco.

He won’t mind my dog or help me in any way but I think that if I really needed him he’d be there.

Here’s the lousiest thing that dave did by leaving me.

For 40 years I counted on him, now I have to depend on a racist, nazi loving, gun carrying, right wing Republican in my times of trouble.

I said as much to David after my second cocktail and before the cop hugging.

He tried his best to comfort me.

“Don’t worry, if I didn’t hear from you for a week or two I’d call the super and suggest that he might want to look in on 18A.