I must say, the last 2 times I saw dave he hadn’t been drinking.

I gotta give that lowlife piece of shit whore credit.

He apparently doesn’t have to anesthetize himself to be with her.

Of course it was at 3 o’clock in the afternoon and I only saw him for no more than 15 minutes but I don’t want to be petty.

I keep saying that 3 months ago my life was set. I just started counting back. This first started five and a half months ago.

Lordy Lordy am I still going to be whining in a year?

I’m definitely getting crazier.

Today I screamed at a cab driver. Not that he didn’t deserve it. I was carrying 5 bags of groceries so I took a taxi home. (2 melons in the mix, one of which I’m going to have to throw away because I read that cantaloupes give you beri beri or something).

He kept ignoring my directions and a trip that should have taken 20 minutes at most and should have cost $10 ended up taking an hour and costing $22 ! It would have cost more but I demanded he let me off in the middle of 57 Street and Park Avenue.

I yelled all kinds of nutty things at him like “You should be ashamed to call yourself a taxi driver!” I’m sure that cut him to the quick.  You couldn’t really tell because he kept smiling and nodding but I felt terrific.

I still tipped him. I’m not an animal.

When I got out of the cab the traffic light had changed and drivers in other cars were honking at me and giving me the finger.

This being one of my cut off your nose to spite your face moments, my arms were like gorilla arms by the time I got home from carrying those plague laden melons.

Since my meal ticket went on the lam I’ve got to be more careful with a buck.

Back to important things. When I left the house this morning who should I pass on the street?

Yep it was Ric Ocasec, lead singer of the 80’s group, The Cars. I was so happy to recognize him that I said “Oh Boy” under my breath as I passed. He seemed surprised at this and glanced  at me for a second and then turned away. Maybe he wasn’t happy that someone 67 recognized him. Although since he was dressed exactly like he was in all his videos only a chimp wouldn’t know who he is.

It’s 3:25 AM. I bet I can go back to sleep now.

Last night I had my friends Susan and Allan over for cocktails. Our plan was to go out for Indian food afterwards.

I sent emails to David and Liz to join us.

David’s answer : “Is their daughter coming? Is so, hell yes I’ll be there. If not, NFW.”,  always the charmer.

He’d been dying to see Susan’s daughter Nicole ever since he saw a picture of her on my facebook page. I’m hoping it was to fix her up with one of his handsome sons and not anything creepy but who knows with him.

Liz’s answer: Thank you for your gracious invitation.  We would love join you.  Clearly, David’s Tourette’s is very active today and I’m sure he’ll apologize when he sees you. Otherwise, I will be returning his birthday presents.  How he has time to talk trash when he is supposed to be working, I don’t know.  See you soon.

How those two are together no one knows but like I said they really love each other.

And who am I to talk. Everyone thought dave and I were a perfect couple.

Anyway they did join us and Nicole did stop by looking like a movie star.

The next morning Liz came into my house and said David had had a hissy fit because he had forgotten that the Cowboys were on tv last night playing some team that David hates and the Cowboys won AND HE MISSED IT.

Now for a normal person who is a Cowboys fan that might be a bummer  but this guy is a FAN. He watches any game with anyone. If the cast of the Golden Girls were playing Spongebob Squarepants and his buddies this schmuck would be glued to the tv .

Missing a Cowboys game for David is like … well I can’t think of what it’s like because I’m not a mental patient.

So I sauntered into Liz and David’s house with my coffee. I saw David sitting on the couch frowning and looking at his cell. As I walked towards him I said “ Man those Cowboys put on a show last night. I’m so glad I remembered to tape that game. I wouldn’t have erased it but I was sure you had taped it too.”

I knew I was taking a risk but fortunately he never listens when I speak so he ignored me.

He did do his rant about the game and topped it off by saying that the guy in the Indian restaurant tried to kill him because he had a stomach ache. Never missing an opportunity to jump on a stereotype he told me in an Indian accent what the waiter said to himself about his plans to fuck up a wasp’s stomach.

Again, what a charmer.

I offered him a rolaid but when I went back to my house I saw that among the things that dave had taken was the bottle of Rolaids near my bed.

I’m pretty sure that settles the distribution of property. I can start my new life.

dave came over today.

I took some information about sending some emails to his band about a july tour.

He made a dentist appointment.

We acted completely as we always did.

That is if you only listened to our voices and facial expressions and didn’t hear the words.

Me: “I need your ok to take your name off my cell phone account”

Him: “No problem. Do you have an extra suitcase?  I’ll be going to Japan in 2 weeks. I’ll be back in a few months”

Him: “I got a storage unit .”

Me: “Do you want to see Julie’s video with Tim Hutton?”

I know this was pathetic but I wanted him to know that he wasn’t only losing me but my whole wonderful talented family.(incidentally he loved the video and kept saying how great she is and since we always watch Leverage he couldn’t believe that Tim Hutton was in it and being so funny)

There was other things said but every reference to the future by either of us excluded both of us.  I thought I was past this but I felt terrible.

I finally walked him to the door. I looked at him and said “This is so strange”

He said “I know” and he walked into the elevator.

It’s starting to get weird. Mostly I’m ok but then suddenly I get sad. I guess it’s to be expected.

dave sent me a text yesterday. he’s coming over today. I”m dreading it. I hope that when this is over we don’t become friends. He keeps saying he hopes that we will and some of my friends, none of my family, suggest that that will happen.

I so hope I have more pride than that. Of course you can look at it the other way. If later my life is good why hold a grudge?  See why I can’t stand firm? I’m a noodle.

I’m trying to keep busy but with the new tv season starting it’s not that easy.

I spent yesterday helping my sweet niece Julie pack her kitchen. She’s moving to a new apartment. Why you ask? Because she’s living in a scary building filled with drug dealers and nice people. You just have to hope you are getting in the elevator with the latter.

The building she’s moving to is across from a park in a snooty part of town. It’s also walking distance from Violet’s school and my house which is making me happy.

I think you can sum up the difference in the apartments by saying that if she were to be without gas for 5 months and she called the landlord of her new building asking for some abatement in the rent I’m pretty sure the landlord in the new building wouldn’t call Julie’s husband a cocksucker.

I know he isn’t because I asked him when he drove me home yesterday. I got a firm “nope”.

I was talking to my friend Susan today. She was telling me where she ate last night.

“We like to eat in places where they don’t use a lot of oil”

Look I don’t know how this whole thing will end but as of now I can no longer say “we” prefer anything.

Occasionally something comes up and my first thought is “I have to tell dave”. But I remember quickly. I can’t say I feel terrible when this happens but I’m reminded that my life will never be the same. Not necessarily worse but definitely different.

I got 3 texts from dave.

Two were asking how he finds the number to pay American Express bills by mail and the other how to know when the payment is due.

I had another bad dream last night. I dreamt that I was at a concert and walking ahead of me was dave and the slut only she wasn’t in her fifties like he told me. She was 27 and beautiful. I don’t know how I came to the number 27.

I also don’t know how I knew this in my dream but when I saw them I was aware that they had been together for years for months at a time. The facts don’t suggest this but in my dream they did.

I walked up to her and started calling her names and punching her in the face.

Are there people who can translate dreams?  I’m wondering what this one could possibly mean.

It’s tomorrow and it is better. I’m spending the morning with my niece Julie. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.

I got a message from a musician that I’ve known and really liked for many years. I could hear in his voice that he feels terrible for me. He’s the sweetest guy. He’s always kind and thoughtful and I’ve told him that a million times.

I want him and the people that care about me to know that I am aware that getting over this is not a straight line. I will have bad days but the overall journey is positive.

I was in a rut before. Life was acceptable and safe. For better or worse, it’s not that way any more. I am doing things I never thought I’d do. Even the bad days are more exciting for me than they’ve been in years.

As for the mouse. I’m going to try leaving a note on the floor explaining that his presence is simply not welcome. If that doesn’t work.  I’m going to put out a have a heart trap and when I catch him he’s going right over to Kodama, the scene of the crime.

He came to pick up his bills and sign some papers.

He asked for a jacket and was out in under 3 minutes. He couldn’t get out of here fast enough. I know I said it before but the biggest shock is that after 45 years I am clearly history.

He doesn’t hate me. If asked he might even say he likes me but once again I have to say that the opposite of love is indifference and that’s what he really feels for me.

Add to that that I just saw a mouse in the kitchen and you can see how my day is going.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Three months ago my life was set. I knew where I was and where I was going. In such a short time all that changed.

Because there was no fight or anything it’s so hard to believe that the man I expected to spend the rest of my life with is able to walk away and accept never seeing me again.

Don’t think that I don’t know that I have not yet even begun to deal with the grief and feeling of loss that I have mostly been able to keep at bay.

I’ve been able to do this 1. because I immediately went into self preservation mode. Will I be able to pay my rent? Can I take a niece or nephew out to dinner? Can I keep my car? It may sound petty (except for the rent thing) but it’s stuff I love.

Second and maybe even more importantly my family and friends have kept me too busy to mope or even think too much.

For example,  my visit to the White House. Never in my life did I think I’d actually walk through the White House.

My nephew Matt Klam took me. I know many of you have read his writings but let me tell you,  in person he’s even more fun. I love spending time with him and even though President Obama never came down to say hello the day was great.

About the President not welcoming me himself. I don’t like to complain but he sends me a bunch of emails every week. He clearly knows who I am. I didn’t expect lunch but a quick “Hi” would have been appreciated.

I have something else to say now that I have your attention. I spent days trying to decide what I was going to wear. I even bought a new blouse.

The guy in front of me was wearing SHORTS AND FLIP FLOPS!!!!  TO THE HOME OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!! I wanted to smack him.

This was the White House, not White Castle! (I stole that line from a very famous journalist)

My day was capped off with Matt taking me to the roof of the Washington Hotel for lunch and drinks.

Poor dave, all these years I hardly drank at all and now that he’s moving on I’m embracing cocktail hour with both arms. He’s missing the “fun me”.

Now the “fun me” has to send dave an email telling him to come pick up his mail and sign some papers.

That means I have to see him with his hair neatly braided again.