Last night I had my friends Susan and Allan over for cocktails. Our plan was to go out for Indian food afterwards.
I sent emails to David and Liz to join us.
David’s answer : “Is their daughter coming? Is so, hell yes I’ll be there. If not, NFW.”, always the charmer.
He’d been dying to see Susan’s daughter Nicole ever since he saw a picture of her on my facebook page. I’m hoping it was to fix her up with one of his handsome sons and not anything creepy but who knows with him.
Liz’s answer: Thank you for your gracious invitation. We would love join you. Clearly, David’s Tourette’s is very active today and I’m sure he’ll apologize when he sees you. Otherwise, I will be returning his birthday presents. How he has time to talk trash when he is supposed to be working, I don’t know. See you soon.
How those two are together no one knows but like I said they really love each other.
And who am I to talk. Everyone thought dave and I were a perfect couple.
Anyway they did join us and Nicole did stop by looking like a movie star.
The next morning Liz came into my house and said David had had a hissy fit because he had forgotten that the Cowboys were on tv last night playing some team that David hates and the Cowboys won AND HE MISSED IT.
Now for a normal person who is a Cowboys fan that might be a bummer but this guy is a FAN. He watches any game with anyone. If the cast of the Golden Girls were playing Spongebob Squarepants and his buddies this schmuck would be glued to the tv .
Missing a Cowboys game for David is like … well I can’t think of what it’s like because I’m not a mental patient.
So I sauntered into Liz and David’s house with my coffee. I saw David sitting on the couch frowning and looking at his cell. As I walked towards him I said “ Man those Cowboys put on a show last night. I’m so glad I remembered to tape that game. I wouldn’t have erased it but I was sure you had taped it too.”
I knew I was taking a risk but fortunately he never listens when I speak so he ignored me.
He did do his rant about the game and topped it off by saying that the guy in the Indian restaurant tried to kill him because he had a stomach ache. Never missing an opportunity to jump on a stereotype he told me in an Indian accent what the waiter said to himself about his plans to fuck up a wasp’s stomach.
Again, what a charmer.
I offered him a rolaid but when I went back to my house I saw that among the things that dave had taken was the bottle of Rolaids near my bed.
I’m pretty sure that settles the distribution of property. I can start my new life.