Now where was I?

Oh yes, in my last post I was telling you all about the fabulous women that David is meeting in Houston.

His most recent relationship ended because he is was way too moral to date someone with a husband and 3 kids.

I think that was the reason or was it that she wouldn’t put out. I’m not sure.

Anyway I nagged him to join Match.com.

No sooner had he signed his name on the dotted line when he was contacted by a woman who he described as I said in my last post as “smokin'”.

She said she was a 52 year old geologist who graduated from U Cal Berkley. She lives in Houston but she was from South Africa where she was on a work project but would be back in Texas in 2 weeks. Here’s her picture.

I thought she was really pretty and David was clearly smitten. They spoke on the phone and he was bragging that she told him to join this internet phone service so that they could speak for free.

He even suggested I “get into the 21st century” and join it too.

Now cut to Passover in my house. We’re all sitting around praying our hearts out when I get an email from David that he got another picture from her.

“Send it along” I say. And here comes this one….

followed by this one.

My 16 year old niece, Lily looks at the picture and says “This is from the internet and they aren’t even the same woman”

And I write back to David “She’s showing her tits! There are tits in that picture”.

At which point David agreed that a rat was smelled. But instead of cutting the relationship off he suggests to her that he’s having romantic feelings (Hence the title of this piece) and asks for more pictures. The man is a jerk.

I won’t bore you but the next one was a naked full frontal and when she felt that she had been too subtle she followed it with a picture clearly taken at the gynecologist’s office.

In between the photo display she spoke of a hot deal she was into, you know a geology deal (see hard hat photo sans tits). Luckily for David she was willing to let him in on the ground floor for only $9,000.

I have been insisting that David report this to Match.com and he promises he will but only after he tells her that he has a better deal for her for only $12,000 but he needs it within a day and it must be a wire transfer.

The summation of this whole thing is that David is still an idiot.

Now on to me. Continuing on the Romance theme, I was walking Ray the other day and a construction worker looked up from his sandwich and noticed the young sexy girl walking in front of me.

“Hey Sweetie, howya doing? Have a great day”. She continued walking without saying anything.

When I got up to him, without a smile, I said “You’d better say hello to me too”

“Hi Honey” he said “Have a great day”

I have to work a little harder but clearly I still got it.

David has been putting pressure on me to write about him. He insists that you people are bored to death with reading about my dog and my family.

He tells me that the only interesting entries to my blog are about him.

I keep saying that when he does something interesting I’ll write about it.

It’s not as though I don’t know everything he’s doing. I speak to him at least 5 times a week and he tells me every bit of information that he has about his life now.

It’s all about tall hot blondes that are dying to get into his pants.

I’ve seen pictures of some of them and they really are good looking. They have great jobs and are educated.

I heard him speaking to one of them on the phone and she was all lovey dovey. I even spoke to her for a minute. You could see she was trying to ingratiate herself with me because she knew he and I were close.

All I can take out of that is that women over 40 are screwed.

David is not a bad looking man. He’s nowhere near as good looking as he thinks he is but he isn’t bad looking.

But these women are smokin’.

When they were younger they wouldn’t have pissed on a guy like him.

I mean they were and are still on Brad Pitt’s level. But Father Time has replaced Brad Pitt with David.

So you ladies who think your husbands are boring and dumb, before you give them the boot, think twice.

I’m not saying that life won’t be better with them gone, because in most cases it will, but know this.

Angelina Jolie is out there waiting to laugh at their jokes and marvel at their insights.

And if you want to replace them recognize that you’re going to have to accept Angie’s leftovers.

Okay David, I”m sure that it wasn’t what you had in mind but I wrote about you.

Now folks, wouldn’t you rather have read about this guy?

Lago di Garda, Italy 2015.

I was with my sister Marcia. We were in a store looking at scarves. I myself don’t wear scarves and when I do I always wear a velvet scarf that Miss Liz gave dave. It being one of the things he left behind. It’s soft and warm.

In spite of this, one scarf caught my eye. It was so beautiful that even tho I had no use for it I bought it.

It stayed on my shelf in it’s clear packaging for almost a year. Every time I passed it I admired it but left it as is.

New York, New York 2016

Much to Ray’s delight, Miss Liz is in New York.

She and I made plans to go to Saks for lunch. (To you out of towners :This is absolutely the best lunch in NYC).

On a whim I grabbed “The Scarf” unwrapped it and put it on. I felt dreamy.

I always try to “put on the dog” for Miss Liz because she only shops retail.

Let’s move to last night.

I went to dinner at a fabulous restaurant with Susan and Allan.

I don’t go out to dinner very often so I felt that it was somewhat of an occasion. I wore,you guessed it, “The Scarf”.

In order to feel festive and cut costs I had a vodka before I left.

We got to the restaurant a little early so we had to wait at the bar. I had another drink.

Now I don’t know whether Allan or Susan said, “Beautiful scarf” or I said “Isn’t my scarf beautiful?” but before I knew it I had wrapped it around Al’s neck and insisted he take it.

Both he and Susan objected but I can be very pushy.

Ask my ex father in law who when I searched for the word “assertive” to describe my sisters and I he finished my sentence for me with the word “pushy” so you know that isn’t just my opinion.

I could see that Al loved the looks and the softness of the scarf so I was really happy for him to have it since as I told him I love him so much and I have for almost 40 years.

Susan even said if you change your mind it’s totally okay. “Don’t be ridiculous!” I was insulted at the very thought.

I’ve often written how much I love Susan but I love Al also.

The four of us, Sue, Al, Me and dave when he had a capital letter in his name had more laughs than I can count.

Just thinking about the fight Al and I had over what was lettuce and what was a leaf when I was cleaning up after Dave (he was Dave then) threw up in Sue and Al’s hot tub brings a smile to my face.

Or the time I encouraged him to call the police in Montauk when we looked on his roof and his antenna was gone, obviously stolen, only to hear him mumble to himself “oh shit” when the lights from the police car shone on the antenna that was a little farther back than we thought.

He had to make up a “prowler” on the spot. He’s always been clever that way.

So you can see why I was totally okay with Allan having “The Scarf”.

Not so fast.

Cut to 4:12 a.m.

I sat up in bed in dismay. What had I done?

I tossed and turned until morning.

I was just about to call Sue when she called me. She was talking about how great the restaurant was when I interrupted.

“I want my scarf back. I clearly don’t love Allan as much as I thought I did”.

Susan laughed because she, like me, loves people when she has a buzz on.

Her love action of choice is to invite total strangers, like an attentive waiter, to her house in Montauk.

I asked if Al will be disappointed.

“Nah, when he was drinking he gave his Cartier watch to a friend. Luckily it was a close friend who gave it back the next day”

See why I’ve loved these two for so long?

Well I haven’t loved them a “Scarfs” worth.

I went for my annual check up yesterday. I mostly told her the truth. Some of it wasn’t her business. What does she care how much I drink?

I usually have a drink and a half almost every night talking to David on the phone but I told Miss Buttinsky that I have one drink 2 times a week.

If she can’t cure me with that information than she has no right to call herself a doctor.

Interestingly I had cocktails with David in the flesh last night. He is in New York on business. I believe his business has something to do with raising the oil prices so good Americans can’t travel more that one  mile away from their homes without taking out a second mortgage.

He admitted that he won’t vote for Trump any more but he will vote for Cruz who is the devil that Trump claims to be.

David’s reasoning is that since no one in Washington likes Cruz he won’t be able to get anything done if he’s in office. He’s shell shocked from all the harm he believes President  Obama did.

This makes no sense at all because  he should want a kindred spirit (i.e. the devil) to be successful and do as much harm as he can.

My friend Ernie says he will vote for Trump and Ernie is a good and kind person so I can’t figure that out.

I was talking to him the other day and he reminded me of something else we did to make each  other laugh.

We went to the Strand Bookstore, a huge place, and walked past each other carrying books that we’d never read.

He chose “Our Changing Coastlines” while I carried “Breeding habits of fur bearing mammals of North America”.

Now some of you smart people won’t get that joke because they might actually think those are possibilities in the “sit down with a good book” category but we thought it was an absolute scream.

I sure miss those days.

The only yucks I get lately is when I watch that insurance add where the two weight lifters keep calling each  other “bro”