951. I’m too old to be alive

Let me explain.

My great nephew Jordan came to visit with a friend. I was really happy because he lives far away and I don’t get to spend time with him very often.

They were in New York City to go to a concert in Brooklyn.

When they were about to leave Jordan reminded his friend to bring his ear plugs.

Ear plugs? To a concert?

I was able to get an answer to my puzzlement the next morning.

They explained that the music is too loud for them to bear without the plugs.

“But it’s music. You are blocking out any subtlety in the sound. What’s the  point of hearing live music?”

Clearly I didn’t get it.

“Did anyone else bring ear plugs?”

“Oh sure, almost everyone.At least 50% of the people”

But I don’t want you readers to think I’m totally out of touch. I do realize that there is a difference between how I live in the world and how young people do it.

For example;

My sister and I are going to Italy in a few weeks. My nephew Scott used to stay here to mind Ray but since I heard him agree with Stephanie that Ray was not “all there” he is no longer my first choice.

As I might have mentioned I am very close to my Super and his wife Alba and they are both dog lovers.

Alba said her son and two nephews with her overseeing it will take turns staying in my apartment while I’m away.

I have spoken to all three boys and told them that as long as they are nice to my dog I don’t care if they have hookers here or run a meth lab.

Just to make sure I meant it one of them asked if hookers were okay.

I told him “It’s fine with me as long as while you’re doing whatever you’re doing with them at the same time you’re reaching down and petting my dog.

But I digress.

Remember when I told you that one of my nieces asked me what my calculator was and screamed with laughter when she realized it not only was an adding machine but it was plugged in?

Well it was for that reason that I bought a Mr. Coffee so that my dog sitters would be able to make coffee since I had a Farberware coffee pot and there is no way they’d know how to use it.

coffee pot

When I explained that to Jordan and his friend over breakfast they both looked at me blankly.

“That’s a coffee pot?”

“You saw me pour coffee out of it. What did you think it was?”

Jordan; “I thought it was a pitcher to keep the coffee hot”

This went on and on. I won’t bore you with hows stupid they were and how out of touch I was.

But they are cute aren’t they?

jordan

 

950. The Tide Has Turned

Ever since the election I haven’t been myself PLUS all this week I had a cold.

(I know you think this will be a downer but wait)

At 6:15 this morning Ray started barking.

Normally I would just drag myself up and take him out because I am on this earth to serve him.

But for some reason today I mumbled “Gimme a break” and he did.

He jumped right back into bed and went to sleep.

At about 7:30 I woke up on my own and took him out.

THEN I found a dime in the elevator.

I know a better person would have turned it in so the rightful owner could retrieve it but I popped it into my pocket.

I am a woman alone who lives on a budget and this dime could enable me to buy an ice cream cone in 1945 (at least that’s how I rationalized it).

I no sooner hit the street when I noticed one of those guys who works for the Doe Fund* cleaning the streets trying to pull his hood up, it was raining.

Feeling a little guilty about the dime thing I said “Let me help you” and reached around, unzipped his hood and pulled it up over his head. He gave me a big smile.

Feeling really good about myself I decided to make this a teaching moment.

“You must always appreciate Jewish women because they never mind their own business and sometimes it comes in handy.”

He nodded sagely. I could see he was taking it in.

My new attitude of “giving back” (you know the dime windfall) made me think of a discussion I had had with Tammy Gordon.

“Who is Tammy?” you ask.

She is someone I met on Facebook. I’ve never actually met her in person.

When my husband dave ran away I took to writing my blog expecting only my family and friends to read it.

Much to my surprise Tammy, who worked for AARP then, liked it and encouraged me.

When I wanted to submit something to the AARP Magazine I asked her who I should send it to. She not only gave me the names but spoke to people at the magazine to smooth my path.

It turned out they hated everything I wrote and told me that they just don’t include that kind of thing in their mag.

And this after I removed all the fucks and threw commas hither and yon to make it seem intellectual.

Well a few years passed. Tammy left AARP and I think she started her own something but we’ve kept in touch via FB.

Earlier this year she asked if she could rent my Montauk house for a vacation.

I remembered how important her liking my blog was to me. It was the first thing that made me think that I don’t need dave to be creative.

I insisted that she go to the house free if it was before the season when I rent it which she did this past week.

Here she is enjoying herself;

tammy.jpg

And here’s her dog Ike lying on Ray’s pillow:

IKE.jpg

Why am I telling you all this? Oh yeah, the pay back thing.

Because Tammy wanted to send me a gift to thank me for letting her use my house which I told her was stupid because I’m letting her use my house to thank her for helping me with AARP and if she gives me a gift I have to thank her for for the gift and it will never end.

My friend Susan Schlossberg Schwartzberg and I hate when people do us favors because we feel so unentitled that if someone picks up a check for dinner we feel like we have to buy them a car.

I just read this over and it doesn’t make any sense but I think today is lucky so when it stops raining I’m going to buy a lottery ticket in case Tammy sends me a gift so I will be able to send her to Europe in return.

  • https://www.doe.org/  This is a wonderful organization

    THE DOE FUND’S INNOVATIONS IN SOCIAL SERVICES HAVE TRANSFORMED THE LIVES OF TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WITH HISTORIES OF HOMELESSNESS, INCARCERATION, POVERTY, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, AND HIV/AIDS.

    I’ve seen these guys in my neighborhood for as long as I can remember. They are hard working and friendly.  In these disgusting times they can certainly use your donation

949. Julie told me I should tell you this

I was on the phone with my niece Julie Rose Klam  last week and she was telling me that her mother, my sister Marcia told her that when kids were mean to her our mother would have a talk with the offending kid while squeezing them on the back of the neck and she had long nails.

I assured her that that was true.  My mother was tough and a little scary to us but if anyone from the outside world attacked us in any way she would protect us to the death

When I was young little girls wore dresses with ties at each side of the waist that you would make into a bow in the back.

I won’t get into the back story but one day the doorbell rang and my mother answered it. I stood next to her.

On our front stoop stood Annie Dooley, Teresa Russell and another girl, I forget who.

In a sing song voice holding up one of the ties from Annie’s dress they reported in unison;
“Mattie tore Annie’s dress”

I just stood there blankly.  My mother said, “I’ll speak to her” and closed the door.

She turned to me, patted me on the head and said “Good girl” and went about her business.

I wasn’t surprised. My mother always defended us to outsiders and Catholics.

Now on to present day and my new dilemma.

Someone has planted pansies all around the trees in my neighborhood.

I’ve been taking a lot of flack because these pansies have been planted exactly where Ray likes to pee.

As you know I’m not a strict disciplinarian and even if I were I read while I’m walking him so even if I wanted to dissuade him from doing his business there I don’t notice him doing it.

Well let me tell you, my fellow New Yorkers are not shy about voicing their opinions. I rarely end a walk without getting a tongue lashing from a stranger.

Occasionally I try to defend myself by asking them how they’d feel if they really had to pee and there was a toilet every 12 feet that they weren’t allowed to use?

I wish my mother was here. I’ll bet at least 40% of them are Catholics.

948. I’d like an objective opinion

If someone has their Wall Street Journal delivered to the ground outside their house are they or aren’t they just asking for dogs to pee on it?

Well the guy at 222 East 58 St. certainly has an opinion on that subject.

My hearing isn’t what it once was but I think that he called me a “punt” as Ray and I walked away.

I have a busy day today doing what I do best, ordering people around.

Miss Liz had her apartment painted and her floors  replaced. Since it’s all done I am overseeing the return of her furniture, some of which is stored in my apartment.

I’m sure if I “lose ” a few things she won’t know the difference.

Miss Liz’ parents were the fanciest people I’ve ever known.

I once told her that, adding that “they are like the Kennedys”.

She looked at me as though I had said that her father looked exactly like some guy I saw jerking off in the soup.

Lizzie is pretty fancy too. She has stuff to do any kind of thing you’d imagine. Say you wanted to serve artichokes. She has plates ONLY for artichokes.

Also she has dishes (salad, main and dessert) for 50. Heaven forbid a paper plate should touch her table.

I could go on and on in this vein but you get what I mean.

I’m going to have to fix up my apartment too.

Julie’s new book “The Stars In Our Eyes”, a laugh riot, is coming out in July and I’m planning on having a book party to celebrate. I want to make it spiffy.

It won’t do for parts of my ceiling to fall down on the heads of the literati.

Maybe I’ll serve artichokes.

I may be coming into some artichoke plates pretty soon at least that’s what I’m guessing.

 

967. I may be happy today

I am trying to figure out why.

1. My dog was sick for about a week. Not eating and looking more depressed than usual. He’s totally back to himself. He ate 3 meals yesterday and barked at me all during “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”. Here he is preparing to romp.romp

2. Some judge called trump a stupid, lying, racist fuckface (I’m pretty sure that was the wording but I’m no lawyer) and refused to let him keep our tired and poor out of MY COUNTRY.

3. My shrink had changed my crazy pills but she changed them back when I asked her to sign a form so that I could “pack heat”.

Any one of those things could be it.

This snow should be getting me down but interestingly it isn’t. It’s given me a chance to get back to my alphabetical list of who’d I’d marry.

I have no A. B is Bon Jovi. C is Mark Cuban. D is and always will be Dylan.

That’s as far as I got. I think I’ll wait to see if any of those guys takes the bait before I use any of my diminishing brain granules on E or F.

Oh by the by I have a new way of making friends. When I pass anyone in the snow I say “Isn’t this weather nutty?”.

I figure it’s only a matter of time before someone asks me to trade digits.

I haven’t heard from David since my last post. It can’t be that I insulted him. I never do anything else. I guess he just got bored with me.

Maybe I should text him and ask him if he thinks the weather is nutty.

 

966. The ebb and flow of friendships

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t written about David in a long time.

When trump became president I could no longer be the exasperated friend  when he’d spout his racial, gender and religious slurs, his hatred for Obama and his love of guns.

Now I know you are saying to yourself “Why would she be friends with him to begin with?”

Let me try to answer that.

  1. Location location location: He lived down the hall.
  2. Has very much to do with #1. Because he lived down the hall and was engaged to one of my closest friends, Lizzy, he was around when my marriage broke up and he was very very good to me.
  3. When Liz and David broke up and she spent most of her time in Santa Fe, David and I became very close. We were both a comfort to each other.
  4. He’s not like anyone I’ve ever known. Let’s say it was like being friends with a snake.You hate to watch him eat mice but he keeps you  company while you watch TV.

Now he isn’t all bad. He doesn’t give a shit who marries who. He would like to keep guns out of the hands of some people and he thought trump was nuts. So nuts in fact that he voted for Hillary.

When David moved to Houston we kept in touch pretty regularly. We’d have a cocktail on the phone several times a week.

That is until the election.

David has made most of his money in oil and coal at least that’s what I think. I never much listened. If it benefited the oil industry I presume he’d poison the water that was given to sick puppies. Again, that’s just what I guess.

Under the comfort of President Obama I could laugh at him and fight with him on these calls and we’d hang up as friends.

The situation is different now. I’m really scared. When David said he was thrilled with shithead’s cabinet I couldn’t just call him an idiot and leave it at that.

I don’t have President Obama to protect me, children, the air, the water, health care, social security, illegal and even legal aliens or my country as I always knew it.

So our phone calls became fewer and shorter because the second he said anything I didn’t like I became the liberal trump. I didn’t try to refute it with logic I just hung up.

Now there is a new wrinkle in our relationship.

David tells me he is dating a woman who’s a liberal.

“How can she stand you?”

“I’m very careful when I speak. Although I did say wetback the other day and she was furious. But I’ve changed”

He sent me a photo:

pussy-hat

“All I can say is don’t get too attached to her. You think that hat is a Trojan Horse that will get you in her pants but I know you very well and there is no way you can hide who you are and as you know you a terrible person”

David actually sent me 2 photos to, I guess, show me how he’s changed and I put them both in this post. I removed the second one after I looked at  it carefully.

Maybe I’ll put it back in so you can see what offended me in it.

123951

Yep. He’s wearing a gun.

 

965 I got up happy today.

Why? Because Ray woke up dancing and I had a good day yesterday.

Here’s a picture of Ray during his romp.

happy.JPG

Doesn’t he look cheerful?

Now to my good day. Julie had jury duty.

What does that have to do with me?  Well you know how my family feels about food.

Julie told me that she had a bad lunch on her first day so I told her that I would meet her on her second day and take her someplace good.

It turned out that she was let go for good at lunch time so we had the afternoon to ourselves.

Why was she let go? Because she was too beautiful to sit on a jury, at least that was what we surmised.

Actually even though she was more than willing to serve she had to admit she was glad that she didn’t have to because the judge pronounced the word “proof” as “pruff” and she couldn’t abide by that.

Since I had my car we went uptown a bit to eat at a restaurant called The Clam.

We sat down and Julie showed me her galley (sp?) for her new book “The Stars In Our Eyes”, a laugh riot if there ever was one.

I don’t want to brag but I was #31 on the list of people she thanked in the back. I had tears in my eyes when I saw what she wrote about me.

We had a few words with the couple sitting next to us who it turned out worked for an airplane travel magazine. As you all know I am a prize winning travel writer and I couldn’t have been more excited. All for naught though because the guy went to the bathroom and had obviously googled Julie while dropping a duece and when he came out he was absolutely drooling over her.

I kept trying to interject but I could have been a talking lox for all he cared.

Anyway It was the best lunch I ever had in the nicest restaurant with the loveliest staff which was the important thing.

Back to my family and food.

We got back in the car and as we frequently do we spoke to my sister, Julie’s mother, Marcia, and told her about our day.

No sooner had I dropped Julie off at home when Marcia called me back.

“I was happy to hear about your great lunch. Guess what we’re having for dinner?”

“What?”

“I don’t know. Paul found something in the back of the freezer so we decided to defrost it and have it for dinner.”

“What?”

“Paul says it’s probably good or we wouldn’t have frozen it”

I actually wasn’t surprised by this. My brother in law is committed to saving the earth and using every bit of it as fully as possible.

I remember one time we were all eating salad and Paul went around the table cutting up chives that he had just picked from his garden in each of our bowls. Julie mumbled under her breath

“I just saw the dogs peeing on those chives.”

Since I let my dog kiss me on the mouth I dug in anyway.

Now that i think of it, that’s not really the same thing. Oh well, what’s done is done.

Back the the frozen dinner. Marcia called me after she ate.

“What was it?” I asked

“I’m not sure. I’m almost positive that it had zucchini in it. It was good though”

“Can you hone it down to a food group?”

“Not sure”

“Was there meat in it?”

“No, I figure that I must have served it with chicken cutlets and people filled up on that so this was left over”

“Well that’s good, Poirot. Even though you can’t say what it was you’ve not only limited it to a side dish but built a whole imaginary meal around it. Good going”

I told you. My family really likes their food.

I spoke to Marcia this morning. She’s alive.

 

964 Positivity in life under the Czar

You haven’t been hearing from me lately because I’m in such a funk over the political situation I just can’t bring myself to write.

That fucker doesn’t even give me a minute to pull myself together.

Today they eliminated a law keeping nuts from buying guns? Now how do they justify that?

STOP IT MATTIE!

My blog is supposed to lift people up even when I’m down.

So now I’m going to write about the constructive things I’ve been doing and will do during this situation. Everything will be noted in a positive tone.

I’m seeing my family.

A few weeks ago my little niece and her boyfriend came to visit. Here they are.sadie-and-nick

Now I could be writing about how young, good-looking and in love they are while I am alone and have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel but no.

Instead I will say that I used this time with them by sharing some of my wisdom. I gave them numerous lectures on abstention and if they ignore that I listed, with diagrams, the terrible diseases one can get from having sex willy nilly.

When they mentioned that they do drink beer at college I took my niece aside and advised  her of my time honored rule to only drink enough to get a buzz but not so much that you take out your tits, something that I learned the hard way which resulted in my no longer being allowed in any Olive Garden east of Newark.

And just this morning I got a call from AARP and Senator Schumer telling me that the Senator is truly worried that the republicans will alter Medicare so that I will have to use all my money for my crazy pills and whatever doomsday illness I will probably get.

Did I let that get me down?

Well to be honest for a while it did but my “can do” attitude jumped to the forefront.

I climbed out from under my bed and immediate drew up a list of requests I’d put on my “Go Fund Me” page.

1. My Chanel lipsticks cost about $39 a piece. And they don’t last that long.

You may think this is not a necessity but I feel I have to look attractive in order to try and find another meal ticket since my last one ran away to Japan.

2. Oh yeah I’m also going to need some cash for one of those ‘swinging singles’ get togethers. You know they don’t offer open bars at those things. Not a lot of cash. Remember my drinking rule, enough for a buzz.

I’m going to keep working on this list. I’ll let you know how it progresses.

You guys keep an eye out for it when it’s finished and don’t be chinzy when you donate.

And if any of you have an uncle or a grandfather with some moola, keep me in mind. It will help if the old guy is either blind or has sleep apnea.

The crap I have to put on my nose at bedtime isn’t for everyone.

963. Yes I marched

And so did Ray.

It did something very important for me. It lifted the gloom that I have felt since the election.

And the gloom was well founded with the tweets, cabinet possibilities and “Alternative facts”. It was even worse than I feared.

But standing with all those women and seeing that women all over the world were standing up cheered me.

I’ve done a lot of demonstrating in my life. Some of them were scary with police in riot gear and echoes of Kent State in my mind.

But some were like this one. march-cop

This has to be only the beginning.

Ah shit. I just realized that I’m probably going to have to leave my house again.

I hate that.

 

 

962 Yesterday was my birthday but that doesn’t mean that there weren’t bumps in the road.

I did have a wonderful few days with my sister and last night Julie and Dan took me and Marcia out to dinner.

We went to the indian restaurant on my block, Chola.

I have a long history with Chola. They cater my Thanksgiving and they’ve been my go to indian restaurant for years.

Why am I telling you this? to explain why I behaved as I did last night receiving what I considered to be an unfair tongue lashing from my co-diners (not you Dan)

I’ll set the stage by saying that Chola closed suddenly with no explanation and stayed closed for several months.

They reopened only a few weeks ago.

The meal was wonderful and all my favorite waiters stopped by to say hello. They even gave us a few things “on the house”.

Towards the end of the meal I delicately excused myself to “tap a kidney”.

When I got into the ladies room directly above the toilet paper roll was a sign saying

PLEASE DO NOT PUT ANY PAPER IN THE TOILET. KINDLY DISPOSE OF PAPER IN THE TRASH CAN.

I have to admit that I pondered over this sign. Could their delicate plumbing be the reason for the closing of the restaurant? Keep in mind that the sign is directly over the toilet paper roll.

I’m thinking that this pondering distracted me and at the end of my toilet (pronounced  twa-let) I thoughtlessly used the toilet paper and dropped it in the toilet.

 

When I realized what I’d done I was horrified. The thought that I would be responsible for another month long closing was more than I could bear.

I did what any faithful customer would do in this situation. I reached down into my pee, retrieved the culprit and put it in the trash can.

And yes I washed my  hands thoroughly with soap.

When I got back to the table I told my fellow diners what I had done and instead of the praise that I was expecting, I was greeted with condemnation and jeers.

“They meant paper towels stupid, not toilet paper”

This from my usual adoring sister.

“If they meant paper towels they wouldn’t have put the sign directly over the toilet paper”

Julie feigning a gag wasn’t any kinder.

“You put your hand in pee?”

Only Dan refused to jump on the bandwagon without doing some investigation himself. He went to the men’s room.

When he returned to the table he announced that the same sign existed in the men’s room but it’s  location was different. It was by the paper towels.

“Well,” I said, feeling vindicated “If it had been by the paper towels I would have behaved differently. I would have known that they meant paper towels”

Marcia; “Unless you were a moron”

Julie trying to soften her mother’s attack  “A birthday moron”