7/12/21. Damn Snopes

So a guy comes to my apartment claiming to be a plumber.

He said he heard that I was having some plumbing problems.

Since my brain is like chicken fried rice I assumed that I had complained about my plumbing.

What I should have done was asked my Super, Lester, who this guy was but I had just called him fuck face and threatened to go to Florida to kill his parents because he suggested that he was going to turn off the a/c last week.

So you can guess that that wasn’t an option.

Plus the guy had a hat on that said “Plummer” so I figured he was okay.

I was watching the “Married 2 Medicine Reunion part 2” (not to be missed) so I didn’t pay much attention to him.

BAD MISTAKE!!

Later on I check to see if I have any more applications for my dog training school ($150 no refund application fee)

And what do I find?

Fuckin’ Snopes posted pictures on my website with the red letters FRAUD on it.

Sure Debby likes to rearrange the sofa cushions at n night but who doesn’t?

Giving a dog choices for dinner is only logical. Here’s chicken, turkey and streak. She’s a picky eater. See she hasn’t touched any of them.

Look plenty of people like to eat in bed.

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Maybe today’s zen isn’t such a good idea.

Lucky thing I put “No refund” on the application fee.

6/3/21 Now that Covid is just a memory..

Yes it’s true. I have gotten dumber but I’ve also gotten way more charming and entertaining.

This post will be a photo essay of how my covid time was well spent improving my persona.

My home is now open up for family visits.

Mostly the Klam family so far.

Of course Brian used this time to put his name on the things he’ll want when I kick off.

Of course having all this company means Debby and I have loads of prep work.

Here we are shopping in Whole Foods.

You may be surprised to see her here because as you know she was banned after jumping out of the cart and biting a “service dog”. Some service dog. It was a cocker spaniel or something.

Well I got around that by cleverly disguising her with a red halter instead of a pink one.

Anyway back to my main subject. How I spent this year honing my tap dancing and mime skills.

Her are some of the Klams mesmerized my my “being locked in a glass box” while singing the theme from “Jaws”

I am available for parties.

Zen

Debby doing dishes after our company left.

5/19/21. I think I’m getting dumber

I’ve accepted the fact that I like Reality shows even if the rest of my family finds it creepy. But this morning I woke up saying aloud,

“If Frank wasn’t fulfilling all Delores’ social needs she wouldn’t be so happy with David”

Look I know you don’t know what I’m talking about and that’s okay.

Here’s my problem I can’t figure out how to comment on the fan sites ergo I am forced to scream my reactions in my house.

Luckily I live alone so the only one it disturbs is my dog who doesn’t mind because she watches those shows too.

Not only am I getting dumber I’m getting crazier.

I hate to leave my house.

I am thrilled to have as many people visit me as want to but they’d better not invite me back.

Luckily no one has offered that invite.

I had such a good time the other night.

A few of the cats and my best friends came over.

Dave and Ronnie Taylor and Allan and Susan Schwartzberg.

I probably never mentioned it but Dave Taylor is the guy who made me carry his GIANT BASS TROMBONE because he claimed to have a bad something.

Anyway I tried my best to be charming and entertaining while they were here so I let Al and Dave read a dirty letter that my ex’s girlfriend wrote him that he stupidly left on his computer.

All it did was make them impressed with my ex.

If I want them to come back I’m gonna have to come up with another draw.

I wonder how they feel about tap dancing?

Here’s some zen. One of my doormen with the princess

4/1/21. I was not a hero yesterday

APRIL FOOLS! I was!

Debby and I were walking back from the supermarket when I spied a wallet on the street,

I opened it up.

It had lots of money, credit cards and driver’s license inside.

Did I turn around and rush to TJMAXX with my newfound wealth?

No I did not!

Why?

Because I’m what??

That’s right a hero.

First I called information to find the phone number of the person at that address.

I called the number but no answer.

I knew I could mail it to him but then he’d have already cancelled his cards etc.

So what did I do?

I used my big brain and realized that since he had a Chase card they may be able to contact him.

So I limped 4 blocks on my pathetic knees to a Chase Bank.

BTW this made my hero status even greater.

The guy at Chase had his cell number and called it.

Unfortunately every time he answered and heard an unfamiliar voice he hung up.

After about 45 minutes we emailed him with my cell number and we got in touch.

He was on his way to get his vaccination and hadn’t realized that he’d lost his wallet.

Again BTW not that I’m bragging but this moved my plain old hero status up to medical emergency status.

Since I had to go home because my groceries were melting I told him to pick up his wallet there.

He sent his girlfriend to do it and bring it down to the vaccination sight.

When he got it he sent a thank you text with a lot of !!!

I wrote back that his girlfriend was lovely.

And he wrote back that she loved my BLM shirt.

I don’t know if it makes a difference that I helped someone who wasn’t wearing a MAGA hat but it did to me.

Was this too boring to write about?

To make up for that my Super was changing the filters in my a/c’s this morning and for your zen here’s some photos of Debby helping.

3/29/21 A Seder To Remember

Some of my family came yesterday to celebrate Passover.

It was the first time we’d been together in over a year.

Since we’d all had our vacs we could kiss like crazy.

I served Matzo, gefilte fish and Indian food. You know, a regular Seder display.

The kids did the usual. They went around my house pointing out the things of mine they want when I die.

I told them that they were wasting their time because my nephew Jimmy had been writing his name on my furniture since the late eighties.

He added that since he is the executor of my estate the place would be a ghost town before any of them even knew I was sick.

It was so wonderful.

Everybody was there to party.

My niece Stephanie even wore a wine holder so her arms would be free to measure my couch for her den.

Debby had a fine time.

She only bit 2 people. Or was it one person twice. Yeah that’s it.

That’ll teach my nephew Scott not to stay away so long that she forgets him.

That’ll also teach him not to say that my old dog Ray “wasn’t all there”.

But here’s something to remind you how sweet my little girl can be.

This is her with my doorman’s son.

3/22/21. Those bastards

Are going to run out of people to hate soon, Blacks, Mexicans, Jews, Asians, Gays and Democrats.

They must love Elon Musk because with his help they can meet some Martians to hate.

I’m in a bad mood today so don’t expect any yucks.

I just came back from walking Debby.

As I am a perfect citizen I was bending down to pick up you know what when chaos occurred!

It seems that a couple with a baby carriage and a dog on one of those leashes that gets longer and longer were so engrossed in their convo that they let their dog’s leash stretch to about 7 feet while they were walking.

You know how attractive Debby is. Well that dog ran over to complement her (I assume).

Debby, not being a mind reader, considered it an attack and gave that dog what for. I believe it was in the form of a bite.

Well that dog started screaming like a banshee.

By the way what’s a banshee?

Anyway the guy started yelling at me. Did you see what your dog did??

Since I was picking up doody at the time, no I didn’t.

But before I could answer he walked away.

Now even Judge Judy would say that he was in the wrong for not controlling his dog but I was left there looking like a loser.

To make matters worse another woman who was coming up the street picked her dog up when she passed me.

Like I said, I’m in a bad mood.

Maybe this will make me feel better.

3/12/21. Now that it I got my vaccine….

It’s very possible that people will want me to leave my house.

That’s going to be a problem since to me the best part of this pandemic was that no one expected me to go anywhere.

Don’t get me wrong. I walked my dog but that’s about it.

I’ve always been a “stay at home” kind of person.

I mean I did go to restaurants once in a while but if that restaurant wasn’t within 2 blocks of my house..nada.

Bear with me. If you spent a year learning and speaking french at the end of the year would you start speaking pig latin?”

I don’t think so.

Case closed.

It’s not like I don’t have a load of extra time.

As I’ve said before, I watch Bridgerton every day but since it’s only the naked parts that doesn’t take up more than an hour or so.

And the return of Temptation Island doesn’t eat up more than an hour a week so I have lots of time for thinking.

Which is a double edged sword.

I think of things I’ve done or said or not done or said that still give me the willies.

The list is incredibly long.

But I also remember things that made me laugh.

Like the guy who when he was late to a recording session gave as his reason that his wife caught him jerking off and he had to screw her.

I also have so much time to ruminate about every decision.

For example this morning I have my first dentist appointment in a year. Was it thoughtless of me to have gefilte fish for breakfast?

Maybe the horse radish pushes the needle a bit over to the rude side.

Now… Double Zen

2/27/21. I’m taking this time to improve myself

Now that I don’t have to keep a constant watch on the White House I can do some of the things that I’ve put on the back burner for 4 years.

I’ve decided to start speaking with an english accent and no it’s not because of Bridgerton.

This will be no mean feat. I’ve been told that I have a bit of a Bronx twang.

I’ve worked pretty hard to get rid of it without much success.

Well that’s not entirely true.

For example I would never say “youse” to less than 6 people any more.

I’m thinking pronunciation may give me a bit of a problem so I’ve wigged out a way around that.

I’m using a lot of British words like shant and blimey.

Never again will I “drop a deuce”.

From now on I shall “clock in at the loo”.

Or is it the lift?

Not that it matters. I don’t know any english people so I’ll just sound fancy to my friends here in the good old USA.

I’ve also been worrying about this thing with Lady Gaga’s dogs.

How do I know that there aren’t blokes (hear that?) itching for shrieky dogs that bite?

Maybe I should chip her. Not the one that I’d have with fish but the dog finding one.

Who wouldn’t want this bird? Get it? Bird not girl?

1/31/21 Unanswered questions

In my last post I mentioned the tattoo on my doorman’s back.

My friend Mary asked me how I saw my doorman’s back.

I told her that he showed it to me while we were kissing but in reality I have no idea how I saw it.

I do know that he showed it to me and my nieces Sadie and Lily quite a few years ago but I don’t know in what context.

Another thing on my plate is the vaccine.

I finally got an appointment to get the vaccine at the Javits Center tomorrow at 2:45.

Now if you’re not from NYC (and I have no idea why you wouldn’t be) you may not know that tomorrow at 2:45 is the peak hour that a dangerous snow storm will hit the City.

Now after weeks of trying to get an appointment I’m being laughed at by the gods.

Woe is me.

Zen

My tattooed doorman and the princess

1/29/21. So What’s New?

I know that you are all lying awake worrying about why I haven’t written recently.

Well let me give you comfort. I have nothing of interest to say.

Since January 20th my fear of America going down the toilet has lessened considerably even with those nuts doing what they did to the Capital.

I’m spending much of my time going on line trying to get a vaccine. I’m 77 so I better get one soon or….

The rest of my day is spent watching Bridgerton, well parts of it.

Much of my family finds this reprehensible, not you Marcia or Cheryl.

That’s nothing new though.

My Housewives of many lands addiction has put me at the bottom of the brains list in my family for years.

Since I have a little extra time I use it to plan my exit.

Remember I said I’m 77.

I’m thinking of offering a place in my will if either my Doorman or my Superintendent will tattoo my face somewhere on their bodies when I die.

Probably it won’t be my Super because his tattoos are shit.

They look like he did them himself when he was drunk.

But my Doorman, he’s got his tattoos going.

On his back he has a lovely portrait of 3 of his 6 children.

It seems like slipping my face in there would only enhance it.

The man is constantly in the hospital with one thing or another yet he had time to have 6 kids.

I’ve often commented that the only thing that works on him is his dick.

I’ve spent enough time on this blog.

The Duke awaits.

That isn’t to say that I can’t give you some Zen

Look plenty of people like to eat in bed.

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