100l. Preparing for the big event

I have been busy busy busy.

I’m preparing for Julie and Dan’s wedding so I’m going through my apartment trying to remove anything unsightly so that my house looks like a proper venue for these two little darlings.

I think what I need is my niece Stephanie to come down and look around. She has always been more than happy to point out anything wrong with my abode, my hair or my make up.

That sounds like I’m criticizing her which is not the case.

I was sleeping on a mattress in Montauk that had a big well in the middle of it.  Only when she said ” That mattress stinks. Get a new one.” did I do just that and have enjoyed many comfortable nights since.

The same with whatever was cootyized in my apartment. She has improved my life tremendously.

I just don’t see it until someone points it out.

I have a lot of things covered, food, decor and help.

One thing I think might be a problem is Debby.

She would rather anyone she doesn’t know doesn’t come into my apartment. I wonder how she’ll deal with 70 people she doesn’t know?  We have a very big family most of whom she’s never met.

I’ve been thinking. Maybe if I make her look more attractive say with a lovely party dress then the male guests will consider getting their balls nipped at by a screaming but very haute couture decked out princess just a hoot.

Here she is in her new hatimage1

Not threatening right?

And the dress I’ve ordered is black and white polkadots with a stunning bow at the waist.

I figure that won’t show blood.

At least on the black part.

1000. Ah kids, they’re really dumb.

One of the good things about having a big family is that you can always have people you love visiting you.

Last night my nephew Jacob and his sweet girlfriend Rachel slept over.

 

After a few little bites on Jacob Debby welcomed them with open paws.

They are both  leaving for college this week so I guess they wanted to squeeze a little something out of the Big Apple before starting that journey.

I tried to give them both some encouraging words. I explained that after college life goes down rapidly and they will probably never have  fun again so enjoy it.

When Jacob was a little boy he met David who showed him his knives and told him about all the guns he had.

Though he, Jacob, was no longer interested in either of those he had a memory of David being a scream so when I told him I had plans with David for dinner he wanted to come with us.

I said he could but added that he must be aware that David is a terrible person with a level of maturity that stopped at the age Jacob was when last he met him.

And my man David didn’t disappoint. He entered the apartment waving his umbrella in front of Debby which did not sit well with her at all.

We had cocktails and chatted while Debby snarled and pulled to bite him.  David threatened to kill her in one breath and in the other begged me to put her on the other side of me so she couldn’t eat him, something that she was dying to do.

We finally went to the restaurant that David picked because he wanted  Peking duck.

Now I am prepared to take abuse because I am a hypocrite. So have at it.

I eat some meats but I do not want to know from whence they came.

This restaurant served the duck with it’s head on!

Rachel and I almost puked.

No duck for us and now duck is on my no eat list along with pig and lamb soon to be followed by beef.

And BTW the rest of the food stunk too. Feel free to IM me if you want the name of the restaurant.

Again David didn’t disappoint. He regaled the kids with stories of his life dropping an occasional racial or gender slur and wound up the evening with some horrible stories that I will save you all by not repeating.

I told the kids right in front of David while he looked on proudly, “Remember I warned you. He’s the worst person I know”.

Not to change the subject but I think I’ll change the subject.

I do want to say one thing about age. Sometimes it hits you in the face when you least expect it.

I wouldn’t have been surprised if Jacob and Rachel didn’t know who John Wayne was or even Frank Sinatra.

But these two had no idea who NSYNC is.

That ain’t right.

 

999. I don’t mean to brag but…..

Look, I know that I haven’t written in awhile but maybe I have more on my plate than usual.

My dog Debbie is really settling in. Now she only bites people at first meeting. Then….sweet as sugar.

I’m having a party next month and I’m a little nervous.  I hope there aren’t any litigious people coming.

Also Liz sold her apartment to a man who called me and Liz losers so I’m thinkin’ that he’s not gonna be a “live and let live” kinda guy.

I had gotten used to Debbie hiding food in my bed but this morning I found a piece of cucumber in my shoe. I hope I can live with that.

But enough complaining.

Last week I accidentally put my phone in a glass of water and the speaker part stopped working so I bought a new phone.

Don’t ask why I put it there. It was very late and I thought I was hanging it up. And let’s see if you don’t strange things when you’re 74.

Well the new phone arrived yesterday.  I opened the box and what did I see????

A WHITE PHONE!! The most beautiful phone I ever saw.  Of course in my youth you could get princess phones in any color but that hasn’t been the case since..I don’t know…FOREVER.

phone

I’m sure that while you’re admiring my beautiful phone and being yes, a little jealous, you’re making snotty remarks about my coffee pot to take the sting off your poor sportsmanship.

Well my old lady coffee pot keeps my coffee hot all day. That is if I left it on all day what with me putting my phone in a glass of water shows that it’s more than likely I will.

But take THAT losers!!!

 

 

998. I’m being told my blog is boring.

As most of you know my friend David now lives in Texas.

When he lived across the hall from me I thought he was unique because I never knew anyone like him.

And I did like that he’d buy me bagels even if he did throw them a my door screaming something in German.

As I’ve told you before he’s a gun toting republican who feels that every minority doesn’t mind being called a derogatory nickname because … I don’t know what his reason is but he’s always permitted me to berate him daily for being a shit head.

With the election of trump I had a hard time talking to him because I realized he wasn’t unique at all.

But since he didn’t vote for trump and he strongly believes in gun control (mostly for those minorities I spoke of) and truly has a live and let live attitude about most things we’ve gotten close again.

He even met Debbie when he was in New York recently. and although he had nothing good to say about her he did let her sit next to him.

david frown

I guess he was relieved she had stopped trying to bite his balls.

Anyway David is constantly saying that my blog is beyond boring because all I talk about is my dog and my family.

He insists I should write about him again.

Why? I don’t know since I almost never say anything nice about him.

In order to curry my blog favor he’s constantly telling me stuff in his life that he thinks I may be interested in.

For example every single time he meets a Jew he calls me. That makes 2 phone calls. Texas isn’t exactly overflowing with Jews.

He thinks that erases the numerous times he’s explained to me that it’s a compliment when he refers to Jews as cheap because it only says they’re good with money.

So here’s his latest foray into liberalism.

He met 2 lesbians in a bar. According to him they wanted him to 1. be a sperm donor and 2. have a threesome.

He called me last night wanting to know why I didn’t write a hilarious post about this.

“Because it’s not funny”

“Are you crazy??? It’s hysterical”

“Look I’ve met funny lesbians as well as funny straight people. I don’t think just BEING a lesbian is funny or not funny.”

“But they want a threesome.”

“That just says they aren’t choosy. It says nothing about them being funny”

“So what are  you going to do? Write another boring  blog about your horrible vicious dog?”

Good idea.

Here’s where Debbie sits when we watch TV.

TV

997. Travel thy name is Mattie

First the best news.

Not only did Debbie not bite anyone but she was loved by all.

Proof

 

 

I will start with my plane travel mishaps.

On the outgoing flight they had to return to the parking spot because the plane was broken.

It took them a few hours to “fix” it and we were off.

On the way home there were unguarded suitcases in the middle of the airport and they had to get dogs and gun guys before they could move it… another 2 hours.

plane

I am a perfect person which is why any country I go to doesn’t want me to leave.

So Roma.

We had a few very important missions in Roma.

  1. find Mac long wearing lipsticks that are only found in Europe. Check
  2. Marcia really wanted to go to the Borghese Museum which had sculpture that she saw 30 years ago and loved. Check

Now as for #1, we did find the lipsticks but they were at the bottom of the Spanish Steps. For those of you who aren’t Spanish here is what they look like from the top:

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and the bottom

steps

As you can see we really wanted those lipsticks. It was a sad sight watching two old ladies deal with those steps.  I lay down and rolled the last mile.

I will give #2 a check too. Because we did go go there. Our travel agent, not knowing how very limited my attention span is, booked us for a tour with an “English Speaking” guide.

stat

First of all, if that’s English I’m French. Second of all even if she could speak English I’m deaf as a post so it was all greek to me (Get it?  See what I did there language wise?)

Plus my knees were killing me so whenever we got to a statue with a lap I sat on it.

The most annoying part was that every time I looked at Marcia she was smiling, nodding and snapping photos.

Finally after about an hour into a THREE HOUR TOUR even she  had had enough so we left.

We snuck off pretty successfully but we got lost and ended up back on the tour so the guide had to show us how to get out.

The best part of the time in Rome was visiting with our baby cousin Dru who lives there.

Here she is.  I hadn’t seen her in so long so it was really nice to see that we immediately felt close. Here she is.

cousin

Members of my family will understand that we connected on the words “sussy” and “eh eh”

As for Rome itself I have one thing to say.

Statues shmatues. The cab drivers are a bunch of crooks.  They all pretend they have no change so you end up paying them more than the ride costs.

I’d advise anyone who goes there to get a bunch of small change.

Then on to Sorrento. The promised land.

We loved it.

It had everything we wanted, beautiful views, fabulous shops and wonderful restaurants.

I want to mention particularly the one dedicated to Sophia Loren.  And I mean DEDICATED.

The walls were completely covered with pictures of Sophia.

IMG_0633IMG_0617

I asked the owner how often Sofia (that’s how he spelled it) came there. It seems she had been there once 20 years ago.

“But she really liked it”

We finished up the trip in a very fancy hotel about 20 minutes from the airport.

The place was magnificent. Why the rooms didn’t even have numbers. They had names.

IMG_0649

I know this is boring but I’m going to show you a few pictures of our room.

 

and of us having fun

Wait a minute. That’s Marcia having fun. I was having fun taking pictures of Marcia.

Looks perfect right?

That is until we went to dinner.

It seems rich people eat all kinds of crap.

Every dish started out great.

Pasta with mushrooms and (here’s where it got dicy) raw shrimp.

I swear there was something just called “pig”.

But don’t ask how great the bread was.

Anyway we had a wonderful time.

Now let me show you what I came home to (video donated by my nephew Dan)

996. The Loss of a Smile

I got back from Italy yesterday.

After a brief rest I was going to write a very clever and informative post about my trip.

That’s going to have to wait a day.

I got a call from my neighbor and friend Jeffrey with the sad news that his husband Dominick died in a car crash.

The world may know Dominick as Dominick Avellino a famous clothing designer and artist who hobnobbed with the rich and famous in the 70’s and 80’s.

Much of this I didn’t know. I’d seen his magnificent paintings in his apartment and recognized him to be more than gifted.

Here’s what I did know about him.

He was warm and lovely. He always greeted me with a hug and a kiss.

Both he and Jeffrey made me feel that they would be there for me on a seconds notice.

I can’t mention them without thinking of 9/11.

As Jews and Italians are want to do when the buildings fell the first thing we did was go to the supermarket.

I met Dominick and Jeffrey there . We hugged and hugged. Instead of buying basics, you know in case we were at war, I bought a turkey and told them to come and eat with us.

We ate and drank that night and thanked everything holy that we were alive and together to weather the horror of the night.

So rest in peace you dear man.

I will miss your smiles and hugs and I promise to look after Jeffrey for you.

995. Here’s why I’m anxious today

On Tuesday my sister and I are taking our yearly trip to Italy.  I love my sister so much and it is the only time we do whatever we want to do without thinking about anyone else.

That is not what’s bothering me. Here goes.

While I’m away my Super’s family is minding Debbie.

IMG_0349

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but Debbie has some quirks.

  1. She growls
  2. She’s known to nip at people.
  3. Did I say nip? Replace that with bite.

I’m really worried about the family.

I know that after a short time she will accept them and be her own sweet self but I really love these people.

What if she kills them?

Then there’s Debbie’s emotional state.

She’s only been here a few weeks. She’s just starting to feel at home.

I keep thinking that her other family that had her for her first seven years dumped her in a kill shelter.

I’m afraid she’ll be so sad when I’m gone.

What if she hides and they can’t find her

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But I’m feeling a little better because I had a very stern talk with her and I think she’ll behave.

994. Ya gotta take the disgusting with the good.

Guess who came over last night.

David, my old neighbor!  It really was so good to see him.

I’ve always been kind of proud of myself for liking him even though he’s the worst person I’ve ever known but on this visit David called his friend who makes him seem like Mother Teresa.

More about that later.

When he called and said he’d be in town and would come over for a drink I warned him that I had a new dog who doesn’t always welcome strangers.

Debbie is a complicated personality.

When you first come in, especially if you’re male, she will try to kill you. She’ll jump on you and attempt to bite you.

If you don’t make any sudden moves and just sit down quietly she will lull you into a kind of  comfort and sit with you and even kiss you.

dog up

She might even take a little nap near you.

david frown

In fact even if you insult her she will be quite playful

 

If you misread that you are home safe it will be at your own peril.

Only a fool will try to go to the bathroom or scratch their head and expect to do so unscathed.

Anyway it was wonderful seeing David.

He’s had his fill with Texas. Not for any reason that a human being would have their fill of Texas like their gun laws and shit but because he isn’t getting enough yucks there.

We were reminiscing about the people we knew and his friend David L. came up. I won’t mention his last name mainly because I won’t be saying anything good about him and he might have family that loves him and would take offense. I doubt it but anything is possible.

I knew David L. only though texts etc. Through the years he’s given me a few laughs and since we were on our second drinks I suggested we give him a call which we did.

He seemed pleased that David and I were together again.

I explained that

“Since trump’s election I found that David wasn’t a funny aberration but a large part of the country so we’d lost touch. But we’re back together again”

I was pleased to add that David did not vote for trump and felt that weapons of war should not be on the streets. He also said guns shouldn’t be sold to ” loonies, children, felons and people on the no fly list.”

He wanted me to add one other no gun person but I can’t write it because I’m not a complete animal.

He’s almost acceptable except he’s okay with almost anything if it puts money in his pocket.  And I mean anything. He’s also a gun carrying bigot who hated Obama with a passion.

I take it back. He isn’t acceptable.

I have to keep reminding myself that he was so good to me when dave ran away.

Anyway David L. says “Well I did vote for trump and I think he’s doing a great job.”

“You can’t really mean that”

“Sure do.”

He had more to say but I was too busy gagging to hear him

This guy lives in California. One of the good states. I wonder if he has any friends.

 

993. Some beautiful Mother’s Day stories

I was in my teens. My boyfriend of 4 years, Jerry Esposito, had broken up with me and I was very depressed.
I walked in on my mother while she was taking a bath.
“Ma, I think I want to see a therapist.”
She didn’t miss a beat.
“Why? He’ll just tell you what I’ve been telling you for years. You’re too fresh”
I shrugged and backed out.
The night before my wedding my mother called me into her room.
“Get me my jewelry box.”
“Yay” I said to myself.
My mother had really nice jewelry and she was clearly going to give me something.
I sat on the bed and watched while she opened the box and examined each piece carefully.
Then she closed the box, got up and put it back on her dresser.
I realized she liked all of it more than she thought she did .
I just shrugged and backed out.
I was about 7.
The doorbell rang.
I hid behind my mother’s legs while my two friends, Annie and Teresa in unison tattled on me.
“Mattie tore the sash of Annie’s dress”
“I’ll talk to her”
I was more than a little nervous.
She closed the door, looked down at me, patted me on the head and said
“Good girl”
I was in the third grade.
The class was lining up to go out to lunch.
I got yelled out for talking. Miss Lynch said she would keep me in for lunch.
I wasn’t a thin child plus my mother was waiting outside to take me home to eat so missing lunch was catastrophic.
The line was dismissed and I left with them.
When I got to my mothers car I burst into tears.
“What happened?”
“Miss Lynch said she was going to keep me in for lunch” I sobbed.
My mother got out of the car and grabbed my wrist and walked quickly towards the school.
“Who does she think she is? I’ll wipe up the floor with her.”
I will never forget those words.
My mother was a force to be reckoned with.
She was almost 6 feet tall (everyone in my family is except me. I could never reach the wall phone. My mother used to say she made me with leftovers.)
Anyway back to the drama.
Miss Lynch turned white as my mother entered P.S. 81.
“Mattie said you were going to keep her in for lunch.”
“Oh no no.” she said smiling. “She’s just a little talkative. I wouldn’t do that.” She patted me on the cheek.
Home we went for my delicious soggy tomato sandwich.
When it was time to go back to school I told my mother I was scared to go back after the incident.
“Don’t worry. Here’s a bag of tootsie rolls for the class”
I slunk in the classroom (is that a word?) and walked up to Miss Lynch and quietly mumbled
“My mother sent these tootsie rolls for the class”
I expected anything but her reaction.
“How nice. You can give them out but first let me taste one to make sure they’re as good as they look” and she winked.
It was at that moment I knew my mother was all powerful.
 mom 2
My mother wearing some of her very nice jewelry.
She both scared me and made me laugh more than any person I’ve ever known.
I miss her every day.

992. Ka-Ching

Sure money isn’t as loose as it could be but that has nothing to do with my new plan.

When you find something you’re good at that you really enjoy doing you should make that your calling.

And why not make a few bucks at it.

I’ve decided to open a dog training academy.

I’ve had Debbie for a few weeks.

When she came she was quiet and clung to me constantly. She spent the day sleeping and watching me.

Under my tutelage she is a new dog.

She’s able to express herself and spread her wings.

You shouldn’t have to “guess” what a well trained dog is feeling.

For example: If I go out and leave her home, when I return I see that she has gone through the garbage and kicked around her wee wee pads so they become a wet crinkly ball on the other side of the room as if t say “I too like and outing even if you’re going to the dentist.

garbage

She should have the freedom to relax with no one bothering her.

stretch

Stretching until she finds just the right position.

tble

If I had started training sooner I could have saved a load of money on a new dishwasher.

Now my plates are clean without wasting water and electricity.

I’m not sure I can take credit for all of her improvements though. Some of her traits are just true to the breed.

For example thriftiness. She hides things on and in my bed.

The other day I saw what I thought was a doody on my Ralph Lauren quilt.

But no, it was a clump of Mighty Dog beef.

That little rascal was saving it for later.

I will take students through my Facebook account (get it? Free adverts)