1009. I know you people look at me as an intellectual icon but…

I was going through my monthly issue of US, you know to keep my toe in on the issues, when something happened that made me realize that you’re going to have to look elsewhere for the up to date news.

There was a picture of Blythe Danner and in parenthesis after her name it said “Gwyneth Paltrow’s mom!”

It was the exclamation point that put me over the edge, like SURPRISE!

So dear readers, now that I’m too old to function properly you’re going to have to do your own political and timely fact finding.

Remember when I used to let you know what a dope potus was and kept you on  point with all the facts I had picked up on Twitter and Facebook?

I don’t trust myself any more. For all I know the guy’s a genius.

My giant brain isn’t the only thing that’s failing.

I picked up Julie and Wisteria to take her home from the Animal Medical Center because I didn’t want her to deal with rush hour traffic.

Wisteria is a miracle dog. Three years ago she was given a few months to live.  Here she is now being beautiful, fat and a champion of chewing.

The doctor was almost crying at how great she looks.

Here also is a picture of her lounging around and looking like a million bucks.

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Anyway I digress. Driving home at twilight is not as easy as it once was now that I’m 75. I won’t say that Julie was nervous but I thought she was made of stronger stuff.

On the same topic I was talking to my friend Susan and I mentioned that I may have to drive out to my rental house in Montauk to get it ready to show.

I thought it would be great if I could do it in one day. She said she’d love to come with me but added that would mean that I would have to drive at night coming home.

“No problem babe. I can see the road okay and if you’re there to shout at me if anyone wearing dark clothing  walks in front of my car we’ll be solid.”

In other news I’m going to have to get a cloth muzzle for Debbie so when I walk her it will be more difficult for her to bite passersby.

I haven’t told her yet so keep it under your hat.

1008. Thoughts that you need to know

Even though I don’t blog as much as I used to I think all the time.

Mostly it’s “What the hell was I thinkin’?”

Like just now on Twitter I was just about to “like” a tweet about how boring the Super Bowl was.

Now I didn’t watch the Super Bowl.  I don’t know anything about football and I couldn’t care less whether it was a nail biter or a snooze fest.

I will say that from looking at the pictures of  Adam Levine’s tattoos on TV today it reignited my long time wish to get a tattoo of that “Keep On Truckin'” guy above my right eye.

Speaking about getting old.

(See what I did there? I pretended that I was speaking about getting old to show you that one of the things about getting old is that your brain turns to swiss cheese.)

I couldn’t remember Adam Levine’s name (I had to google it) and yet I watch Jeopardy every night and get a lot of the questions right. It’s a swiss cheese mystery.

Another thing I think about is that people are always complaining that my dog bites them when they come to my house.

Now I don’t think I’ve ever made a secret of it.

Some people just can’t take it.

My friend Jeffrey wouldn’t get off the elevator because Debbie was snarling at him AND HE WANTED ME TO PRINT SOMETHING OUT FOR HIM!

He chose to go out in the cold and walk 2 blocks rather than risk confronting this little dog.

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I should have put a pack of cigarettes next to her to show how small she is.

And some people who she actually likes and treats fairly nicely make a big deal over any little thing.

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For instance my nephew Mark who only got bitten when he went to the bathroom which everyone knows Debbie hates, made a big deal out of her eating a hot dog on his dress coat.

Look, she likes who she likes i.e. my doorman

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Last week my friend Sherry mentioned that she was reading one of Julie’s books and she couldn’t stop laughing.

I won’t tell you her last name because you will be so disappointed in me for being friends with someone who is constantly putting shit on Facebook like:

“Share if you love your mother”

Anyway I hadn’t read it for quite a few years so I decided to download it to my book machine.

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I have to say I laughed out loud.

The only other book that made me laugh out loud was the one about the spy who couldn’t sleep. I only laughed 2 times in it but I’m not a laugher.

Julie’s book is a laugh riot. You should read it.

I say that even if it does make me and my sisters look like a bunch of losers which we probably are.

Tune in next week when I discuss my interview with Jay Z.

(does anyone know Jay Z?)

 

 

1007. What’s new with you? I got nuthin’

I don’t know if you noticed but I haven’t been blogging as much as I used to and I’m not sure why.

It may be that my life has become so dull that I’m not even interested in it. How can I expect strangers to read it.

Let me give you an example.

This morning I found a piece of a hot dog in my bed.  You don’t have to be Hercule Poirot to figure out who put it there.

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Does that a blog make?

I think not.

Yesterday I got 2 free meals.

One from David who was in NYC on business.

That was kinda blog worthy because he paid.

The other was a wonderful birthday dinner with my darling nephews and nieces.

I guess my dog biting many of them would be newsworthy but to me it’s just a Tuesday.

See what I mean?

 

 

1006. Why I’m happy today

There is only one purpose for today’s blog.

To post pictures of last evening.

Don’t think I don’t know that it is extremely boring to most people but I’ve had to look at your shitty pictures with little or no complaint so tough.

Last night my friends Susan and Allan and Ronnie and Dave took me out for an early birthday celebration.

You know how when you look forward to stuff it’s never as good at you think it will be? This was better.

We had dinner reservations for 7:30 but everyone came to my house first for cocktails.

Debbie knew and loved the girls but she wasn’t quite sure about the men.

After casual biting and David standing frozen at the front door for an terribly unmanly amount of time, Debbie finally warmed up to them and allowed them entrance.

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We then went to the Indian restaurant next door.

I could try to write something witty about dinner but that is not the purpose of this. It’s to show my photos.

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If you notice I am wearing the beautiful earrings that they gave me.

By the way, my birthday is in a few weeks.  I know it’s the thing to ask people to donate money to my favorite charity at that time. But I am guessing that the people who follow me are plenty generous already so maybe you’ll want to consider this:

I like earrings.

I could use some gray slacks.

I wouldn’t throw a couch back at you.

I hear peddle pushers are back in style for those in the know.

Well you just give it some thought.

Oh yeah, Merry Christmas and happy New Year.

1005. The more you know…..

Yesterday I drove Julie to a gig way far away. They said it was an hour and a half away but that time estimation was left that on the boardroom floor.

(What does that mean?)

Anyway we left at 4 and by 4:30 it was dark.

Since driving in the dark is one of the things that I “left on the boardroom floor” in my sixties, Julie kept offering to drive.

Now Julie doesn’t drive much and she has been known to bump into stuff so I resisted.

(don’t judge her. the stuff she bumped into were those rubber cones that shouldn’t have been on the FDR anyway)

I will say I was tempted to give her the wheel anyway since it was harder to see than I expected.

“Jules, it’s really dark. Do you think my lights are okay?”

And I fiddled with them.

Silly me. It seems I didn’t turn them on.

Man you’d be surprised how much better you can drive with the lights on.

Maybe there’s a bunch more stuff I thought I couldn’t do any more that one little twist will make possible.

I’m gonna go back and give a try to long jumping and ballet and even soccer.

Where did I put my soccer helmet?

Oh yeah, Julie was wonderful.

1004. I know you’re wondering…

1. How’d it turn out with Bosch?

They apologized and told me to turn the heat down in my water.

I wrote back that I live in an apartment building and have no control of that and no other person in my building of over 100 apartments is complaining about their dishwasher breaking glasses because of the heat.

Radio silence.

Summation: Fuck Bosch.  I can live with it the way it is but if I ever get another dishwasher it will be Kitchen Aid.

2. Debby and Thanksgiving and my thinking that it would be a bloodbath.

I’m not going to say that she didn’t bite anyone because several members in my family think they can get up and walk around any old time they want.

I will say she worked very hard to welcome those that knew how to follow instructions.

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Here she is sharing the afternoon with Julie and Dan

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Loving it up with Lily and Cheryl (during the few times Lily behaved herself and wasn’t running willy nilly)

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And here she is helping her Aunt Marcia put on her make up.

The truth is this was the best Thanksgiving we’ve had in years.

I have a good family.

1003. I am very mad at Bosch

It’s not new that I use my blog to complain.

Usually it’s about either someone I know or a dog that shows me no respect but not this time.

This time I am writing about my new dishwasher.

Why am I blogging about this? Because I’m telling on them!

On September 14th I sent the following letter to Bosch.  ____________________________________________________________________________________________

To whom it may concern

On October 17, 2017 I ordered a Bosch dishwasher from Sears.
This was on the recommendations of family and Consumer Reports.
Shortly after I got it my glasses started breaking on occasion.  I figured my glasses were too delicate but since there is a place for wine glasses on the top shelf I realized that that couldn’t be the case.
It continued happening even with hardier glasses.
After almost a year of this I decided to call Bosch customer service.
At first the woman on the line suggested that I wash my glasses separately but even she agreed with me that that didn’t make sense so she arranged for a repair man to come to my house.
He came yesterday.
He said that the water in my building was too hot.
He then turned off the heat on the drying cycle.
He said let them dry naturally.
He also  suggested I don’t use the two longer cycles.
My response to all this was as follows:
1. If the water in the building was too hot then no dishwasher would work in this building.
2. I had had a Kitchen Aid dishwasher for about 20 years that never broke any of my glasses.

It doesn’t make sense to me that your advice is to not use several of the functions of this dishwasher as they are meant to be used.

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I am attaching the information tags on the side of the dishwasher door and photos of my broken glasses.
I await your response to this query.
Yours very truly,
Mattie Matthews
____________________________________________________________________________________________
I got no response.
Since no one else in my building is complaining about their glasses breaking in their dishwashers I have to assume that they made the water in my building boiling hot only in my apartment on the day before I got this new piece of shit.
Since the repairman turned off the drying element after its last cycle I now have wet dishes and I can only use a few of the cycles and I am not happy.
I want to apologize to all of my readers for giving them this whiny pissed off entry.
What do I want from you?
Pity and advice.
Love and kisses,
Mattie

1003. I bet a bunch of people in my family wish I didn’t love dogs.

It’s that time of year.

My family from Israel came to visit. This year it was my nephew Yitzhak and 6 of his children.

They come every year to show their love for my sister Phyllis. They go to her grave and pray and speak to her.

I hope she knows how precious she still is to her children and grandchildren.

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Each year I turn my house into a Glatt Kosher wonderland. Kosher food, paper plates, plastic silverware and pots and pans that my friend Susan and I bought in Brooklyn and had made kosher.

I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said that they aren’t dog lovers but they seemed to really like Ray.

Debbie, not so much. It seems like they not only don’t like dogs they especially don’t like velociraptors.

She, when she wasn’t trying to bite them for what she considers unacceptable behavior like walking in  the house, standing up or looking her way, would pick the one who was most afraid of her and sit on their lap.

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Look at the joy in my sweet niece’s face.

I tried my best to make her look less frightening.

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That’s actually the dress she got for Julie’s wedding that she wasn’t invited to but as you can see it was $9 well spent.

Maybe she should wear it on Thanksgiving.

I’m thinkin’ that’ll be a bloodbath.

 

1002. So I have this dog

I look at Instagram and there’s movie after movie of Ann Leary teaching this shitty looking dog to dance, do her laundry and play the violin and I can’t even stop Debbie from licking my teeth

The people Debbie likes she likes.  Most of them unless they decide to stand up or go to the bathroom.

Since she’s , how you say, a biter, I was lucky enough to have my friend Carol keep her during the wedding.

Julie had a beautiful new dress and blood stains from her guests, not Julie who can do no wrong as far as Deb is concerned, would not add to the festivities.

Carol bought Debbie back when most people had left and only family remained.

Much to my surprise my dog acted like a little angel. She was either walking around or sitting next to people on the couch.

She did seem to take to my new niece Cori until Cori made the amateur mistake of giving me a hug good bye.

Luckily Cori is from Iowa where I believe they have no sue laws. She took the small amount of blood like a trooper. She didn’t mention making another visit though. I guess she forgot.

The cold weather is coming soon and Debbie gets very chilly so I’ve been looking for clothes for her.

You know trying to make her look attractive.

I live on the east side of Manhattan. I went into a local dog store and asked about a small down jacket. I was told it was $75.

Since that was ridiculous I looked at just a sweater. Get this. It was cashmere and $240.

The whole dog was free!!! I wouldn’t buy a couch for $240.

I spent yesterday with Julie doing all our little tasks.  I found Debbie some wonderful outfits in TJMaxx, none more than $12.99.

Here they are.coats

As soon as Debbie saw them she ran and hid.

I was only able to catch her and put one coat on her.

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Doesn’t she look happy?

Here’s what I’m dreading.

In a few weeks my Israeli family is coming to visit.

Sometime before then I’m going to have to get a backbone and teach Debbie not to attack them.

Any suggestions?

 

 

 

100l. Preparing for the big event

I have been busy busy busy.

I’m preparing for Julie and Dan’s wedding so I’m going through my apartment trying to remove anything unsightly so that my house looks like a proper venue for these two little darlings.

I think what I need is my niece Stephanie to come down and look around. She has always been more than happy to point out anything wrong with my abode, my hair or my make up.

That sounds like I’m criticizing her which is not the case.

I was sleeping on a mattress in Montauk that had a big well in the middle of it.  Only when she said ” That mattress stinks. Get a new one.” did I do just that and have enjoyed many comfortable nights since.

The same with whatever was cootyized in my apartment. She has improved my life tremendously.

I just don’t see it until someone points it out.

I have a lot of things covered, food, decor and help.

One thing I think might be a problem is Debby.

She would rather anyone she doesn’t know doesn’t come into my apartment. I wonder how she’ll deal with 70 people she doesn’t know?  We have a very big family most of whom she’s never met.

I’ve been thinking. Maybe if I make her look more attractive say with a lovely party dress then the male guests will consider getting their balls nipped at by a screaming but very haute couture decked out princess just a hoot.

Here she is in her new hatimage1

Not threatening right?

And the dress I’ve ordered is black and white polkadots with a stunning bow at the waist.

I figure that won’t show blood.

At least on the black part.