4/1/21. I was not a hero yesterday

APRIL FOOLS! I was!

Debby and I were walking back from the supermarket when I spied a wallet on the street,

I opened it up.

It had lots of money, credit cards and driver’s license inside.

Did I turn around and rush to TJMAXX with my newfound wealth?

No I did not!

Why?

Because I’m what??

That’s right a hero.

First I called information to find the phone number of the person at that address.

I called the number but no answer.

I knew I could mail it to him but then he’d have already cancelled his cards etc.

So what did I do?

I used my big brain and realized that since he had a Chase card they may be able to contact him.

So I limped 4 blocks on my pathetic knees to a Chase Bank.

BTW this made my hero status even greater.

The guy at Chase had his cell number and called it.

Unfortunately every time he answered and heard an unfamiliar voice he hung up.

After about 45 minutes we emailed him with my cell number and we got in touch.

He was on his way to get his vaccination and hadn’t realized that he’d lost his wallet.

Again BTW not that I’m bragging but this moved my plain old hero status up to medical emergency status.

Since I had to go home because my groceries were melting I told him to pick up his wallet there.

He sent his girlfriend to do it and bring it down to the vaccination sight.

When he got it he sent a thank you text with a lot of !!!

I wrote back that his girlfriend was lovely.

And he wrote back that she loved my BLM shirt.

I don’t know if it makes a difference that I helped someone who wasn’t wearing a MAGA hat but it did to me.

Was this too boring to write about?

To make up for that my Super was changing the filters in my a/c’s this morning and for your zen here’s some photos of Debby helping.

3/29/21 A Seder To Remember

Some of my family came yesterday to celebrate Passover.

It was the first time we’d been together in over a year.

Since we’d all had our vacs we could kiss like crazy.

I served Matzo, gefilte fish and Indian food. You know, a regular Seder display.

The kids did the usual. They went around my house pointing out the things of mine they want when I die.

I told them that they were wasting their time because my nephew Jimmy had been writing his name on my furniture since the late eighties.

He added that since he is the executor of my estate the place would be a ghost town before any of them even knew I was sick.

It was so wonderful.

Everybody was there to party.

My niece Stephanie even wore a wine holder so her arms would be free to measure my couch for her den.

Debby had a fine time.

She only bit 2 people. Or was it one person twice. Yeah that’s it.

That’ll teach my nephew Scott not to stay away so long that she forgets him.

That’ll also teach him not to say that my old dog Ray “wasn’t all there”.

But here’s something to remind you how sweet my little girl can be.

This is her with my doorman’s son.

3/22/21. Those bastards

Are going to run out of people to hate soon, Blacks, Mexicans, Jews, Asians, Gays and Democrats.

They must love Elon Musk because with his help they can meet some Martians to hate.

I’m in a bad mood today so don’t expect any yucks.

I just came back from walking Debby.

As I am a perfect citizen I was bending down to pick up you know what when chaos occurred!

It seems that a couple with a baby carriage and a dog on one of those leashes that gets longer and longer were so engrossed in their convo that they let their dog’s leash stretch to about 7 feet while they were walking.

You know how attractive Debby is. Well that dog ran over to complement her (I assume).

Debby, not being a mind reader, considered it an attack and gave that dog what for. I believe it was in the form of a bite.

Well that dog started screaming like a banshee.

By the way what’s a banshee?

Anyway the guy started yelling at me. Did you see what your dog did??

Since I was picking up doody at the time, no I didn’t.

But before I could answer he walked away.

Now even Judge Judy would say that he was in the wrong for not controlling his dog but I was left there looking like a loser.

To make matters worse another woman who was coming up the street picked her dog up when she passed me.

Like I said, I’m in a bad mood.

Maybe this will make me feel better.

3/12/21. Now that it I got my vaccine….

It’s very possible that people will want me to leave my house.

That’s going to be a problem since to me the best part of this pandemic was that no one expected me to go anywhere.

Don’t get me wrong. I walked my dog but that’s about it.

I’ve always been a “stay at home” kind of person.

I mean I did go to restaurants once in a while but if that restaurant wasn’t within 2 blocks of my house..nada.

Bear with me. If you spent a year learning and speaking french at the end of the year would you start speaking pig latin?”

I don’t think so.

Case closed.

It’s not like I don’t have a load of extra time.

As I’ve said before, I watch Bridgerton every day but since it’s only the naked parts that doesn’t take up more than an hour or so.

And the return of Temptation Island doesn’t eat up more than an hour a week so I have lots of time for thinking.

Which is a double edged sword.

I think of things I’ve done or said or not done or said that still give me the willies.

The list is incredibly long.

But I also remember things that made me laugh.

Like the guy who when he was late to a recording session gave as his reason that his wife caught him jerking off and he had to screw her.

I also have so much time to ruminate about every decision.

For example this morning I have my first dentist appointment in a year. Was it thoughtless of me to have gefilte fish for breakfast?

Maybe the horse radish pushes the needle a bit over to the rude side.

Now… Double Zen

2/27/21. I’m taking this time to improve myself

Now that I don’t have to keep a constant watch on the White House I can do some of the things that I’ve put on the back burner for 4 years.

I’ve decided to start speaking with an english accent and no it’s not because of Bridgerton.

This will be no mean feat. I’ve been told that I have a bit of a Bronx twang.

I’ve worked pretty hard to get rid of it without much success.

Well that’s not entirely true.

For example I would never say “youse” to less than 6 people any more.

I’m thinking pronunciation may give me a bit of a problem so I’ve wigged out a way around that.

I’m using a lot of British words like shant and blimey.

Never again will I “drop a deuce”.

From now on I shall “clock in at the loo”.

Or is it the lift?

Not that it matters. I don’t know any english people so I’ll just sound fancy to my friends here in the good old USA.

I’ve also been worrying about this thing with Lady Gaga’s dogs.

How do I know that there aren’t blokes (hear that?) itching for shrieky dogs that bite?

Maybe I should chip her. Not the one that I’d have with fish but the dog finding one.

Who wouldn’t want this bird? Get it? Bird not girl?

1/31/21 Unanswered questions

In my last post I mentioned the tattoo on my doorman’s back.

My friend Mary asked me how I saw my doorman’s back.

I told her that he showed it to me while we were kissing but in reality I have no idea how I saw it.

I do know that he showed it to me and my nieces Sadie and Lily quite a few years ago but I don’t know in what context.

Another thing on my plate is the vaccine.

I finally got an appointment to get the vaccine at the Javits Center tomorrow at 2:45.

Now if you’re not from NYC (and I have no idea why you wouldn’t be) you may not know that tomorrow at 2:45 is the peak hour that a dangerous snow storm will hit the City.

Now after weeks of trying to get an appointment I’m being laughed at by the gods.

Woe is me.

Zen

My tattooed doorman and the princess

1/29/21. So What’s New?

I know that you are all lying awake worrying about why I haven’t written recently.

Well let me give you comfort. I have nothing of interest to say.

Since January 20th my fear of America going down the toilet has lessened considerably even with those nuts doing what they did to the Capital.

I’m spending much of my time going on line trying to get a vaccine. I’m 77 so I better get one soon or….

The rest of my day is spent watching Bridgerton, well parts of it.

Much of my family finds this reprehensible, not you Marcia or Cheryl.

That’s nothing new though.

My Housewives of many lands addiction has put me at the bottom of the brains list in my family for years.

Since I have a little extra time I use it to plan my exit.

Remember I said I’m 77.

I’m thinking of offering a place in my will if either my Doorman or my Superintendent will tattoo my face somewhere on their bodies when I die.

Probably it won’t be my Super because his tattoos are shit.

They look like he did them himself when he was drunk.

But my Doorman, he’s got his tattoos going.

On his back he has a lovely portrait of 3 of his 6 children.

It seems like slipping my face in there would only enhance it.

The man is constantly in the hospital with one thing or another yet he had time to have 6 kids.

I’ve often commented that the only thing that works on him is his dick.

I’ve spent enough time on this blog.

The Duke awaits.

That isn’t to say that I can’t give you some Zen

1/6/21. Today is my birthday

Normally I’d be having lunch with my bff’s Susan and Ronny and dinner with a bunch of my family.

But not today.

Still I woke up to a lovely gift from Georgia.

I had a Call from Stephanie with a song. She followed it up with “How old are you anyway?”

“Seventy seven”

“Whoa, that’s old” she said

Then Julie called and sang and reminded me that I have the same birthday as Eric trump.

So that’s it for answering my phone.

So I guess I’ll just have a Covid birthday.

Have breakfast, walk my dog, watch the hot parts of Bridgerton a few times and finish the day with the melodious voice of vice president pense declaring that Joe Biden is the next President of the United States.

It will be so nice to use capital letters again.

So because it’s my birthday here’s 2 Zen pictures

12/30/20. 2020 has made me up my intellectual game

As you all know I have always been a strict Bravo fan.

I love all the Housewives and any other show that Bravo has to offer with a special affection for Reunions.

Well a new show has come into my repertoire.

But first, a bit of background.

My niece and nephew and their 2 daughters from Annapolis came to spend 3 days with me this week.

They were all tested before the trip.

A fine time was had by all.

My niece, Cheryl, has come alone many times because she is a writer and her agent is here in New York.

Because she frequently stays longer than she says she’s going to stay because as she says “She’s no trouble” we have worked out a routine.

She writes all day and we watch TV every night, usually movies.

On this trip most of the family kept themselves busy while she and I fell into our usual pattern.

We decided to watch the first episode of “Bridgerton”.

Interestingly enough it so held our interest that we watched the entire series. This took a bit more than 6 hours.

Come the next night one or two parts were not perfectly clear to us so we decided to watch it again. Since we didn’t have 6 hours to spare we decided to pare it down by limiting any scene that didn’t have the Duke in it.

We very cleverly cut our TV watching time to about an hour and a half.

Come the next night both Cheryl and I still had some unanswered questions about the plot. We realized that it wouldn’t be prudent to go away with a lack of knowledge about those historical times but the family was starting to get ugly. I believe they wanted dinner or something.

By pretending that we were hanging curtains in my bedroom we were able to really cut our Bridgerton time down to about 21 minutes by fast forwarding any scene that didn’t have the Duke’s shirt off.

I just hope that watching all this historical drama doesn’t make me sort of a nerd.

As a special end of the year gift to youse I am having 3 photos of Debby in my Zen, One with my nephew Brian. One with my niece Cheryl and one in her stunning new snow suit.

A happy and healthy New Year to you all

12/11/20. Bummer of the week

Yesterday started off pretty good.

Julie and I went to Costco in New Jersey.

Don’t worry we were gloved and masked.

We got a little lost on the way thanks to my sister calling us thereby making us miss 9 exits.

But I digress. Julie and I are always happy to spend time together. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing.

Anyway the day went swimmingly. We laughed and talked and bought everything we needed .

I hope my family won’t read this because since I live alone and everything you buy there comes in either vats or cases they can expect bottles of Clorox or cans of pinto beans for their next few birthdays.

Anyway I get home feeling pretty good and if I do say so myself looking fine with my knee length hair up in a bun and the smile on my face that only comes with having enough batteries to light up the Brooklyn Bridge.

I get in the elevator and a man gets in with me. I permit it because he’s wearing a mask as am I.

The door closes and he says to me “I’m assuming you’ll be one of the first people to get the vaccine. Will you take it?”

He might as well have said “Would you mind pushing your wrinkles aside so I can get to the button for my floor?”

I didn’t want to show any reaction.

Since I am quite a good actress I’m quite sure he bought my explanation for my sobs that they were for the fact that Costco was out of tube socks.

Maybe this Zen picture of Debby half asleep will cheer me up.