It seems that my skirt face masks are being requested like hotcakes.

In fact president trump has asked me to drop 6 or 7 of them a day off at local hospitals to replace the ones that he says the nurses are selling out of the back doors.

In case you forgot what they look like here they are

I’m quite honored that the president has contacted me directly to aid in these catastrophic times.

Well not exactly him. He had the My Pillow guy call me.

He also asked if I could make some lab coats out of my old bathing suits.

How he knew that they were knee length with skirts and would be perfect for the job I have no idea. The walls really do have eyes.

Will this stop my performances?  No.

Will it limit them? Possibly.

But I do have to put the country first.

The president, or the My Pillow guy, assured me that keeping our health care workers safe is his, and should be all of our, 13th priority.

But keep heart. In my spare time I’m working diligently on that one act play I spoke of.

Since I’m so busy saving the country I’ve had to use a stand-in to star in one of the musical numbers.

I’m having her sing “B B B Blue Team” from my days at Camp Highmount’s  color war.

Here’s a peek of the rehearsal.

Mattie do you spend all your time thinking of others???

Do you ever spare a moment for yourself?

The answer is “Not often”

I was forced to today because I had to  pick up a prescription at the drugstore.

And like they say when on a plane put the oxygen mask on yourself before your child because you’ll be no good to that child if you’re woozy.

Therefore I realized that in order to be there for my fans I must “put on the oxygen mask” so  to speak.

While I was on Zoom chat with the Klam family I tried on one of my “keep safe” precautions but my nephew Brian got so upset I decided to save it for a “last ditch” effort.

It is my Cpap mask which covers my nose and mouth very effectively.

Now what’s wrong with that?  Obviously I removed the hose for glamor’s sake.

I haven’t totally given up finding another meal ticket.

But Brian’s reaction was so strong I decided to go another way. A less secure way but I couldn’t stand seeing Brian that upset… or was it disgusted.

Anyway I made my own mask since our shit president doesn’t think New Yorkers are worth keeping alive.

I took one of my most becoming skirts and created, if I may say so, what I’m sure will be next year’s fashion statement.

Just try and tell me I don’t look stunning.

Even Debby couldn’t take her eyes off me.

Stay safe out there.

I had just about decided to quit my terrace shows.

According to the news I have about 2 weeks left to live and why waste my genius on a bunch of ingrates.

I’ve suffered from hoots, soup thrown on me and one ungrateful person in an apartment on 57th Street put a note on his window calling me a fat whore.

All this after I spent the last few days, even through my injuries on writing a one act one woman show with wigs and costumes.

PLUS I learned to yodel.

Well anyway I had just about given up yesterday when I stepped on my terrace and was greeted with all the windows in the buildings surrounding mine opened up and they were all applauding me.

So fans I realize I can’t let you down.

It’s back to the drawing  board.

I’m thinking that this play needs an english accent. Gotta work on that.

And now your moment of zen

I guess I was getting a bit cocky but these dancing feet can’t be stopped.

The music just got to me. The music being a cd of The Ames Brothers doing “The Naughty Lady From Shady Lane”

Anyway I was just at my big finish when I let  go and did one of those flying kicks, you know where you click your heels up first on one side and then the other?

Well I guess because of my busy schedule I haven’t been keeping my place as neat as I should because though kick one went fine, on the other side I came down on one of those leftover noodles from the cup o’soup that the bitch in 19G threw at me on Tuesday and I went down like a ton of bricks or should I say a ton of Divas.

Luckily I only sprained 3 toes, a knee a wrist and a hip which wouldn’t normally stop me. The show must go on.  But the ugly bruise on my nose  will unfortunately mean a postponement of Swan Lake that I had planned for Sunday (Yes fan’s I have decided to try ballet).

I can thank my good friend Carmon DeLeone, Symphony Conductor for that.

He and his lovely wife Kathy faced timed me yesterday and that encouraged me to expand my talents.

Well that’s it for today.

I’m not sure that this is a moment of zen it’s just a clue that my rigorous dog training has become shall we say a bit lax.

My phone rang at around 7:30 am.

It takes me awhile to answer because I have to take off my breathing machine mask ( I snore you know) and my mouth guard (How I never was able to get another husband is beside me).

It was my niece Stephanie.

She wanted to come down and bring me back to her house until this is over.

She said I would be safe and my dog could run around.

To be truthful the only thing about this is that I have tremendous guilt about my dog. I feel like she’d like to go out. But she is paper trained and I do have a terrace.

I think she just misses people to bite.

Everything else is pretty much like my regular life.

Lying like a lump, reading, watching TV and going on Amazon and ordering shit like this piece of crap that by the way crushes nothing.

I don’t know where they got that chopped garlic in the picture.

All mine did was flatten the cloves.

Anyway back to my conversation with Steph.

I explained that I was perfectly safe here.

Also you’ve seen the number of windows in the apartment buildings around me. How could I leave my fans?

Sure I’m risking my life but isn’t that what heroes do?

I’ve decided to limit my performances to twice a week.

Being Producer, Director, Writer and may I say “Talent” is taking it’s toll on me.

(I suspect that you know what I mean Mr Spike Lee.)

It will enable me to make the Extravaganzas greater and greater.

Plus it’s only a matter of time before that bitch in 19G runs out of liquids to pour on me so I can lose the umbrella.

I can’t even tell you how much better my tap dances will be when I can fling my arms around and snap my fingers.

Now your moment of zen

First let me give you a sense of my audience not counting the people in my building particularly in the apartments above me.

So you see I’m bringing joy to a tremendous number of people.

I decided to give everyone a second chance, (can a Jew be made a saint? Look that up.) and begin with the bird calls again.

Which I may add is no mean feat holding a microphone in one hand and an open umbrella in the other (Cup O’Noodles) but I gave it a go.

In these terrible times when it comes to entertaining the homebound (Think Bob Hope in wartime) one must put one’s ego aside and fight on.

Look I know we don’t see a lot of rare birds on 58th street so I’ll give them that but when I start with cock a doodle do and some jerk from 59th street, I’m thinking the 11th floor shouts out “Duck” well that’s simply yards away from country bumpkin.

I moved on with my impressions. I started with Ralph Bellamy. At first , nothing. So I’m thinking “Maybe I should do someone that the kids can appreciate so I moved on with Soupy Sales (who a friend who went to bed with him said had webbed feet.).

Nothing.

Only when I decided to up my repertoire with some musical impressions.

About a stanza into Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” I received rousing applause from the Window Treatment office in the D&D building.

Of course since the D&D building is closed I’m fairly sure the guy was robbing it but an audience is and audience.

Even crooks need cheering up in these uncertain times.

Now something for your memory books when Superintendents still fixed the sinks in your apartment.

Stay safe all.

New York City may be known for many things but gratitude and good taste aren’t two of them.

In my desire to lift up the spirits of my little corner of the world I decided to share my gifts to those house bound and hungering for entertainment.

I began as promised with my bird calls asking my neighbors from my and the surrounding buildings to shout out their guesses as to which bird I was ,very accurately if I may say so, trilling.

Well maybe you know a bird called “shut the fuck up” however I, a bird aficionado, do not.

But I wasn’t going to let the whole neighborhood suffer for one or maybe six miscreants so I continued.

I was barely into an almost perfect Wayne Newton when the bitch from 19G threw a Cup O’ Noodles on me.

Needless to say I decided to leave the tap dancing for another day.

I’m thinking for my next show I’ll lead with the dance. You know ease into the verbal entertainment.

And keep it under your hat but I’ve been working on something new. Something that will delight even those who are out of range of my microphone.

I’ve been practicing mime in front of my mirror.

I don’t want to blow my own horn but I swear you’d think I was actually IN an invisible box.

And now for your moment of zen.

Well Good news.

I found the microphone.

I plugged it in to make sure it worked. I believe I used the word “testing” twice.

Now to plan my performance.

This is new for me. I’ve always done the behind the scenes stuff. This is the first time I’ll be “Talent”.

I’ve got to fight my natural modesty and be honest.

Yes I’m an excellent tap dancer.

True my bird calls are beyond anything you can imagine.

But I also have a talent that I haven’t shown to the public. Well except for family bar mitzvahs,  weddings or an occasional seder.

I do impressions. Here’s one.

“Stella! Hey Stella”

That one leaves them in the aisles. I do it and all heads turn looking for….you guess it… Ray Milland.

Anyway it looks like this thing is gonna last for a while so I have time to really polish the act.

who am I kidding, It’s polished.

I’m gonna go out on my terrace later on today and give ’em a little taste of  what they have to look forward to for the rest of this tragedy.

I think I’ll start with a few bird calls and let people shout through their windows what bird they think it is. Same with the impressions.

I’ll wind it up with a little tap.

My terrace is on the 18th floor with lots of building around it so I should be bringing joy to a great many people.

We must all pull together in this terrible time and do what we can.

Now a lovely photo of Debby getting her first bath in a year.

You all know me as a giver.

Well this tragedy that we are living through has only increased that in me.

People are getting tired of watching TV and polishing their nails.

They are pining for live entertainment.

It is for that reason I have decided to one up our talented friends in Italy and expand my “Terrace Extravaganza” from simply tap dancing to …. well you’ll have to see.

I am going to spend today going through that closet in my den where there is still some of the shit dave left.

I’m pretty sure there’s a microphone in there.

Stay tuned.

I will close today’s message with a nice picture of the Debster.

You learn a lot about yourself when you’re locked in your house with no company except a very attractive dog.

For example one thing I found that I’m not is gregarious.

I don’t mind being home alone at all. As most of you know I am constantly cracking myself up.

It’s like living with Henny Youngman.

And trading one husband for a series of dogs and one cat (may he rest in peace) has turned into a plus.

I don’t have to “look busy”.

Debby thinks that lying like a lox and watching TV is not only not a “waste of time”, it’s perfecto!  Just what we were born to do.

I can keep my house at the temperature I like because I’m not a skinny pussy that’s “always cold” and needs the heat on high.

Of course there are some drawbacks about living alone. My family worries about me.

The other day I even had to to jump off the toilet to answer the phone because if I don’t they’ll think I’m dead.

However I’ve become mucho creative.

I devised my own game of “Where’s Waldo”.

Go ahead. See of you can find her.