I”m back from Santa Fe.

In spite of David’s dire warnings, “Those fancy women will hate you.” and ” You can’t pack cupcakes in your suitcase” I was totally prepared.

I even contacted Yahoo Travel to let them know that I was going to another land and asking them  if  they wanted me to write about it. They seemed interested.

In order to make sure that I had all my ducks in a row I wrote to Lizzie and asked  her to send me a list of some of the sights of Santa Fe so that the big bosses from Yahoo could choose which ones they’d like me to visit.

She wrote back:

Thursday from 5-7pm, Santa Fe Ladies Happy Hour Social Club (don’t name names, 
or you’ll never eat lunch in this town again).

Other activities:

Santa Fe Rodeo - very big in town!  June 24-27
Start with a guided tour around Santa Fe in the back of a pick-up truck.  Return
to favorite locations for in-depth study.
Frito Pies at the Five & Dime - Anthony Bourdain said the Pie felt like a sack
of warm shit—although incredibly delicious.  Pick up a $2.50 pink cowboy hat
while we’re there (to wear to the rodeo).
Dine at La Choza Restaurant - scene of Sam Shepard’s recent DUI - bum rap: he
was over served and then they called the cops from the parking lot.
Mushroom hunting - fresh porcini in the woods of the Santa Fe Ski Basin.  First,
a lesson in identifying a porcini, and leaving the poisonous ones alone—they
really do look the same.
Weekly flea markets and yard sales—everybody’s junk is just passed from house to
house, it never leaves town.  Same with the dogs.
Visit to the Upaya Zen Center—I’ll give you $20 if you can sit still for five
minutes.
Ride in the Uber car in Santa Fe—I heard recently that there is only one.
(Don’t know if it’s true or not.)
Find resident writer George R. R. Martin and ask him when his next “Game of
Thrones” book is coming out.  In fact, tell him to go home and write.  He hates
that.
Loiter around the yoga classes and wait for Ali MacGraw to emerge.
Hang around Kaune’s Neighborhood Market and wait for Jane Fonda and her little
fluffy white dog to show up.  It can happen because I’ve seen them there.

Will think of a few more things before you get here.

xo

Doesn’t all that sound like fun? I was wondering how I’d fit it all in.

As I mentioned in previous posts my niece Stephanie and her husband were taking a
motorcycle trip in the area and Liz was kind enough to offer to have them stay at her house with us. They could hike and cycle and Liz would take me around so that I could fulfill my writing obligations (did I tell you that I’m an award winning writer?)and we’d all meet for lunch and/or dinner.
The weekend was jam packed with plans.

Here’s how it went.

Liz picked me up at the airport and we went to have cocktails with the ladies. I can’t tell you any of their names or write anything about them individually because Liz threatened me.

David assured me that I would be hated by all of them and I’d have nothing to say to them. I have to admit that I was nervous. I even wore a bra.

I was pleasantly surprised. They were warm and friendly, not New York friendly, no one asked what my earrings cost, but really nice.

There was one thing though, and I ain’t lyin’ because they’ll never see this. They were all beautiful and really put together which is one reason why I never want to see any of them again.

So David was wrong about one thing.

He was also wrong about not being able to pack cupcakes in your suitcase. They arrived in perfect condition.

Not long after we got to Liz’ house Steph and Terry arrived and here’s where it all went to shit.

Whatever plans I had to pull a Hemingway went the way of the miles and miles of mountain views and lavender plants that were in bloom everywhere.

We did go out to lunch and when Liz drove Terry to the Harley Davidson store, Steph and I went shopping and in my state of happiness I bought a beige shirt. Did you hear that people? It wasn’t black.

Other than that here’s what we did;

Terry, Steph and Lizzie

me

Liz and Steph discussing the fall of Rome or where we’d go for lunch

Liz and Oz

Those pictures were taken  in the morning. Replace those cups with cocktails and that’s how we spent most of the weekend.

That is until we heard about the Supreme Courts ruling on Obamacare and Country wide marriage for everyone.

Then we went into the Plaza to join in the festive feeling that was all over Santa Fe and I’d like to think the rest of the United States. It made me proud to be an American.

And of course my very good friend and possible second husband, Mr New Mexico

It really was such a happy lovely communal time.

Back at the house we got ready to go home. I took a last picture of me and Liz (not really last, she’ll be in NYC on Tuesday)

And after a drugged plane ride home I was welcomed by the love of my life.

Wait Yahoo I’m sure I’ll do better on my next trip.

People over estimate the value of their possessions.

I was in the lobby when my down the hall neighbor asked me if I wanted to buy furniture or other items since she’s moving to another land. I know one of the items was a vacuum because she said it three times.

I wasn’t interested until she mentioned that she had terrace furniture.

Since my nephew Terry fixed up my terrace I’ve become terrace proud and told her I’d come and see it. I figured her back is against the wall and I ought to pick up something nice for about twenty bucks. Sweet huh?

She did have a small settee that had metal arms, a pleasure on a hot summer day and cushions that looked like when she wasn’t using them she kept them up her ass.

She was asking $500.00 for it. When she saw my mouth drop, subtlety thy name ain’t Mattie, she said “It’s a designer item”

This brought to mind when dave and I were apartment hunting just after we were married.

In about the tenth place we looked we were greeted by an unpleasant woman who showed us around this nightmare of an apartment. It was dark and depressing and had a black kitchen, well not totally black, the floor had gold specks in it.

She advised us that if we wanted to move there we’d have to give her the amount she spent to renovate the kitchen in addition to the window treatments.

I guess I was tired because I assured her that if we decided on moving in, money would in fact change hands but in the other direction to pay for getting all that shit out of there.

She threw us out.

dave and I had a big fight because after we left he called and apologized for me.

When I looked at my neighbor’s settee I thought about dave’s argument “What’s the point of saying that? Why do you have to burn your bridges? What if we decide we want that place?”

“It’s lovely. I’ll give it some thought”. She doesn’t have to be told that designer crap is still crap. She should be told but she doesn’t have to be told.

I’m leaving tomorrow for Santa Fe.

You will be surprised to know that even though I am a prize winning travel writer (ahem) I am terrified to fly. I’m shaking in my boots right now.

That’s one thing that’s giving me the screaming meamies.

Another is that I am leaving Ray.

I believe I’ve covered him very well though.

My nephew Scott is staying here. This is a wonderful choice. Whenever Scott minds Ray he sends me a picture of my dog having fun.

Unfortunately Scott has to work on Thursday and Friday.

But listen to this! Julie’s boyfriend and major hunk works near me and he’s coming over and eating his lunch with Ray and playing with him and walking him on those days.

(I’ll see that Julie does something extra special for him for that)

As for the weekend, I’ve bought 3 kinds of vodka so I’m hoping Scott will be too drunk to leave the house.

And to fill in and just help out I’ve asked David to  look in on Ray especially after Scott leaves on Sunday because I won’t be home until midnight.

I’m sure he will. This morning I walked blocks and blocks in the heat to buy him olives that are stuffed with bleu cheese.

I put them on his dining room table with a thoughtful note:

David

Here are the olives you love. If this isn’t enough for you to look in on Ray then you are a cocksucking fucker.

Love, 18A

The other day I was minding my own business and feeling all excited to be getting ready to visit Liz in Santa Fe. Even though it was a week away  I was beginning to select some cute outfits to pack.

Should I take the black or would the black be more appropriate?

My happiness was knocked for a loop when I got my mail and saw a letter from the IRS.

I don’t know about you guys but this kind of thing terrifies me. The IRS never writes to tell me I looked good the other day.

I opened it expecting to find a drawing of a noose inside (When I was single my father sent me $100 a month towards my rent and each month he inserted a drawing of a noose or a heart with a knife in it and blood dripping down or some kind of blood sucker. He was generous but snarky. I wish I had saved all those notes. I guess it being Father’s Day made me think of it.)

Back to my tragedy.

This year I had to pay estimated taxes, which I did. One check to the Feds and one to the State of New York.

The letter said that the check they received was addressed to the State and they were forwarding it to them.

I immediately looked at my bank statement and was relieved to see that though the State check hadn’t been cashed yet the Federal check had.

I’ll cut to the chase. When I called the Feds they had no record of the Federal check having been received.

It was clear that when my man Obama erroneously got the state of new york check, not being a fucking crook prick he forwarded it to the correct recipient.

When nys got a check NOT ADDRESSED TO THEM THEY DEPOSITED IT IN THEIR OWN ACCOUNT.

You may note that I have put new york state in that same category as someone else who let me down. NO CAPITAL LETTERS FOR THEM!

No sooner had the guy from the IRS given me that information when I started sobbing. “I was being so careful. I checked the addresses over and over and then I put the checks in the wrong envelope”

“That can happen. It’s not serious. It’ll be fine” the poor guy was trying to think of something to make me stop crying, which I eventually did.

Yadda yadda yadda,I called my accountant who said there’s nothing I can do except pay the Feds again and wait until an eternity to get the overpayment back from the state of new shitbomb.

Now why am I telling you this? Because you give the state a finger and they take an arm.

It is for that reason I wish to eliminate states rights and make our government some kind of King or Queen thing.

That way all the states have to be the same. If the King/Queen says anyone can get married. It becomes law. Of course there are people that will fight it like that politician who says he’ll set himself on fire if gays get married which is reason enough to pass the law.

Also no guns. If you have a gun you get bitch slapped in front of your friends.

I know there are some wrinkles I’ll have to iron out but I’m committed.

And get that confederate flag down. The King thinks it’s stupid.

I’m preparing to go to Santa Fe to visit Lizzie in 2 weeks.

Stephanie and Terry are meeting me there and we’re all staying at Liz’s house.

They paid for my plane fare and though Terry was very gracious about it, Steph let it be known that I just may be treated like a second class citizen, middle seat on the plane etc.

It doesn’t really matter though because I’m so afraid to fly that I’ll be doped up and I won’t care where I’m sitting.

Yesterday David and I took Liz to the airport. She was returning to Santa Fe after spending a week taking a painting class at a villa in Rome.

We were chatting about my coming visit.

David told me that Liz’s friends are really rich and fancy and they’ll all hate me.

He suggested that I don’t ask any personal questions like “What’d that dress set you back?” or “How many of you ladies shave your pussy?”

Instead of saying  “That’s ridiculous, they’ll love her” Liz’s response was “I’m sure Mattie won’t say anything like that.”

I have to admit I was a little hurt but that got me thinking. I wonder if Liz is afraid that I’ll be, I don’t know, too “New York” for the Santa fe crowd?

To explain what I mean by that, a few years ago I was on Park Avenue walking Liz’s and I like to think “my” dog Rupert in his carriage and and a well dressed woman stopped me and asked if she could pet him. We chatted a minute and as I was wheeling him away she smiled and said “He is so fucking cute”.

I realized that only in New York would that be said with no raised eyebrows.

Liz has nothing to worry about. I’ve already worked out how I’m going to behave. I’ll make her proud.

When I’m introduced I’ll say “Charmed, I’m sure” and if it’s a man I’ll put out my hand for kissing (they like that).

I’ll also use the word “shant” a lot.

I think it was Emily Post who said that you shouldn’t announce when you have to go to the bathroom although that sounds odd to me.

I think it’s much more polite to say “Scusi, I gotta drop a deuce” than to just disappear in the middle of a conversation but “When in Rome…”

See how I used continental expressions? It’s 2 weeks away and I’m already getting into it.

I wonder if those people have high tea?

I’m not much of a tea drinker but I’ll certainly join in and since I find that in the last few years when I eat something flaky I tend to get it all over my shirt (and don’t ask about anything with a sauce) I’ll just tuck my napkin in my collar so after the meal I’m neat as a pin.

I do know that they stick their pinkies out when they are partaking  Hear that, ‘partaking’?

Yep my Liz won’t have anything to be embarrassed about on my account.

And as long as I pack plenty of Beano I’m good to go.

I don’t know if this warrants a blog post but I believe I was put on this earth to teach and to learn. Or the reverse of that.

I was watching “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee” and Julia Louis Dreyfus repeated something that  her mother said which was “You always have to look forward to something”.

It can be, and usually is, something small. I love this idea.

For example I’m looking forward to going out to dinner with Susan, Allan and David tonight.

And after that I’m looking forward to my nephew fixing up my terrace.

Then on Sunday  “The Real Housewives” (that’s when there are a lot of them)

Then going to visit Lizzie in Santa Fe.

I WROTE THIS YESTERDAY but I realized that it was too boring to consider a post so I left it.

I believe I am able to finish it today.

Let me start with the email I got from David this morning.

“Quite a night! Do you have any clear recollection?”

I had no  idea what he was talking about. Let me think back.

Everyone was invited to my apartment for cocktails.

Susan begged me not to put out any snacks because she wants to save her appetite for dinner.

I’m no fool though. When you go to her house she has a spread like no one’s business and it’s always labor intensive. You feel like eating a turnip shaped like a camel?  No problem she’s got it.

She thinks I’m going to throw down a bag of fritos and call it a day? No Ma’am.

I go right to Whole Foods and purchase a symphony of treats.

I tidy up the house, lay out my spread and await my guests.

David is the first to arrive.

We each have a cocktail. I’m thinking vodka because it puts me in a party mood and my party mood is perfection. Ask anyone.

Due to traffic, Sue and Al arrive about an hour later, still an hour before our reservation.

Sue arrives with a bottle of fancy wine. If I had listened to her about not fussing I would have looked like a real shit. Luckily I outsmarted her.

Drinks all around. We’re all talking and having a lovely time until it’s time to go to the restaurant. I am in full party mood.

One of the reasons that David and I can go out to eat together comfortably is that we always split the bill. I will admit that if he orders a bottle of wine he always pays for it because I say I only want a glass. I do end up drinking more than that but only because it’s there and he doesn’t seem to mind.

We get to the restaurant and I immediately ask the waiter to give Sue and Al one check and David and I another.

“Can’t be done” which became his mantra for the evening.

The guy was clearly annoyed with any question we asked. If I had had any feeling left in my body I would have given him a piece of my mind but I could see that David was seething after the guy said no to almost anything we wanted.

I wasn’t going to let him ruin our time.

The conversation was flowing. At one point David was trying to poke holes in my assertion that though some things are not my business, other things fall under the category of NOT not my business.

For example, his sex life is not my business but where he got his suit, though not truly my business, is also not NOT my business.

It was then that I realized that just because something isn’t my business, there is nothing wrong with a friend asking a personal question just for curiosity’s sake. The other person is free not to answer.

As for me, my life is an open book. Ask me a question and I’ll probably give you an answer. Especially in my “party mood”.

So I asked David and Allan what I guess is a personal question. Now how do I put this less offensively?

Okay here goes, if in their sexual repertoire, they include fellatio (that wasn’t the term I used but I’m trying to be scientific rather than prurient)

Man you’d think I asked them how much money they have in the bank.

David let it be known that I don’t know proper dinner time conversation while my good friend of almost 40 years, Susan was laughing and Al just shrugged it off and kept eating.

I think it’s a WASP thing that you can’t even ask a simple question.

“No one says you have to answer, geeez.”

“I don’t get any complaints”

“Of course you wouldn’t if you don’t do it. The only way you’d get complaints is if did it and you bit her. And anyway don’t be jumping all over me just because I was trying to take your minds off the shitty service.”

I do have a vague recollection of asking the waiter for the check while mumbling “you fucker” under my breath. I think it was under my breath.

For some reason Allan said that he would go get his car to drive us home even though the restaurant was only a block or two from my house.

David thought that was a good idea.

Any evening that ends with me and Susan hugging each other outside my building and saying how much we love each other is a raging success in my book.

For the first time in all the years I’ve known him, David waited to see if I could get my key in the door before he turned to his apartment.

So as I was saying yesterday, you have to look forward to things and this dinner with my friends delivered.