871. “Puttin’ on the dog”

I’m preparing to go to Santa Fe to visit Lizzie in 2 weeks.

Stephanie and Terry are meeting me there and we’re all staying at Liz’s house.

They paid for my plane fare and though Terry was very gracious about it, Steph let it be known that I just may be treated like a second class citizen, middle seat on the plane etc.

It doesn’t really matter though because I’m so afraid to fly that I’ll be doped up and I won’t care where I’m sitting.

Yesterday David and I took Liz to the airport. She was returning to Santa Fe after spending a week taking a painting class at a villa in Rome.

We were chatting about my coming visit.

David told me that Liz’s friends are really rich and fancy and they’ll all hate me.

He suggested that I don’t ask any personal questions like “What’d that dress set you back?” or “How many of you ladies shave your pussy?”

Instead of saying  “That’s ridiculous, they’ll love her” Liz’s response was “I’m sure Mattie won’t say anything like that.”

I have to admit I was a little hurt but that got me thinking. I wonder if Liz is afraid that I’ll be, I don’t know, too “New York” for the Santa fe crowd?

To explain what I mean by that, a few years ago I was on Park Avenue walking Liz’s and I like to think “my” dog Rupert in his carriage and and a well dressed woman stopped me and asked if she could pet him. We chatted a minute and as I was wheeling him away she smiled and said “He is so fucking cute”.

I realized that only in New York would that be said with no raised eyebrows.

Liz has nothing to worry about. I’ve already worked out how I’m going to behave. I’ll make her proud.

When I’m introduced I’ll say “Charmed, I’m sure” and if it’s a man I’ll put out my hand for kissing (they like that).

I’ll also use the word “shant” a lot.

I think it was Emily Post who said that you shouldn’t announce when you have to go to the bathroom although that sounds odd to me.

I think it’s much more polite to say “Scusi, I gotta drop a deuce” than to just disappear in the middle of a conversation but “When in Rome…”

See how I used continental expressions? It’s 2 weeks away and I’m already getting into it.

I wonder if those people have high tea?

I’m not much of a tea drinker but I’ll certainly join in and since I find that in the last few years when I eat something flaky I tend to get it all over my shirt (and don’t ask about anything with a sauce) I’ll just tuck my napkin in my collar so after the meal I’m neat as a pin.

I do know that they stick their pinkies out when they are partaking  Hear that, ‘partaking’?

Yep my Liz won’t have anything to be embarrassed about on my account.

And as long as I pack plenty of Beano I’m good to go.



16 thoughts on “871. “Puttin’ on the dog”

  1. This all sounds great, but since Mattie has no filter what so ever I fear something is going to go terribly wrong. Not wishing this, but believe it is all but certain.

  2. You are such a goofball! I told you the ladies would love you. Can’t wait to see you. And David, I told you are not allowed to comment.

  3. And David I suggest you only be allowed to meet right wing stupid assholes like yourself because anyone else will punch you in the face. I say that with love.
    Your friend in 18A

  4. Mattie – Have a wonderful trip and I know you are going to have lots of fun & laughs! So glad to hear Steff & Terry will be joining you, sounds wonderful and I can’t wait to hear all about it! Hey, who is watching Ray? Love U – T

  5. I have friends in Santa Fe. I drive a Prius and have PETA bumper stickers, and still I feel a poor, uncultured buffoon when I visit. But wait, maybe I am! Boy was I ashamed when I forgot to take my shoes off at the door.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s