12/8/22. My new Norma Kamali coat and other tragedies

If you have any wish to continue liking me stop reading this now.

Well that’s not exactly true.

It’s just the coat part.

The second half about my fucked up Thanksgiving is fairly readable without disgust.

Part 1

Let me tell you about the wonder that is the Norma Kamali Sleeping Bag coat.

It is fluffy and LIGHT AS A FEATHER and really warm

When I was married I bought at least 4 of these coats or jackets.

Two of them were for my sister Phyllis who was battling cancer and needed something to cheer her up.

(You think you like me now but wait.)

And a jacket and a coat for me.

My then husband Dave was very generous and loved my sister.

Then he ran away and took my thoughts of new Kamali crap with him especially since these coats had more than doubled in price.

The other day my niece Julie sent me a text that Norma K’s sleeping bag coats were half price.

Even at 1/2 price they still weren’t cheap so I said “I don’t really need one even though my old one had torn pockets.

I had more important things to spend my money on.

But I couldn’t resist looking at them.

Then Norma, spotting my interest, kept putting ads for the coat on Facebook and almost everything I looked at on my computer.

I’m weak, I admit.

Ignoring the part of the ad that said no returns and no exchanges, like anyone could ever find fault with these coats, I ordered it.

I rationalized that I hadn’t bought myself anything luxurious in 10 years and dreamed about how toasty and cute I was going to look.

The coat came.

It weighed 1000 lbs.

Yeah it was fluffy and warm but when I tried it on I fell forward 6 times.

I almost had to call my Super to come up and lift the coat off me so I could stand.

I hate that no exchanges, no returns coat.

And I’m glad that I hate it. If I just found it disappointing, I’d wear it sometime. This way I can pretend it doesn’t exist.

That may not seem like a sad story to most of you but if there are any New York Jews out there you feel my pain.

2.

As always I invited my family for Thanksgiving.

I was expecting 16 people.

The day before I noticed my floor warping near my terrace door.

I could go into how it turned from a slight warping to a huge flood but I’m all tired out from the Kamali shit so I’ll give you the highlights.

My super Lester and the plumbers were in my house and on my terrace with sledge hammers for the next two days.

Looking for sympathy I kept telling the plumber that I was having 16 people for dinner.

“So you’ll have 18”.

And when he came the next morning with 3 more of his workers he said “Or 20”.

I will put pictures of the situation in case you’re still reading this.

And Here’s Debby trying to help them fix it

11/6/22. Ya know how most neighborhoods have a crazy old lady walkin’ around?

I’m pretty sure the one in my neighborhood is me.

I’m getting nuttier and nuttier.

First of all I hate to leave my dog. Therefore I hate to leave my house without her.

And I don’t just walk her like a sane person.

I hook her onto a shopping cart because she pulls me if I don’t.

Also as you know I wear Black Lives Matter shirts every day.

A few times a week this woman who lives near me screams “Don’t you have any other shirts?”.

Instead of thinking “Maybe I’m carrying this too far?”.

I say to myself “What is she blind? It’s not the same shirt.I wear different color shirts”.

I have to say that the antisemitic shit that’s been going on particularly from Kanye has given me some thoughts.

I have a very proud Jewish family and that is disgusting.

But I don’t want to be like Kanye

I can still hear George Floyd’s voice call for his mother and I don’t want to live in a country where that is acceptable either.

I haven’t had my hair cut since the pandemic so I did the other day.

Debby sat on my lap and was perfectly behaved.

That is until the guy foolishly thought he could blow dry my hair.

I’m just hoping that 2 little holes in his hand won’t interfere with his ability to give someone a charming new look.

This is a busy month for me.

Next week half of my Israeli family is coming to visit and a week later (I think it’s a week) is Thanksgiving.

I have 16 loved ones for that.

Luckily my family embraces crazy so it should be fun.

Oh yeah, VOTE!!!

You ain’t seen crazy yet if the Democrats don’t come up on top.

and now Zen

Debby helping a guy read the instructions for fixing my toilet.

9/29/22. Oy

The whole time I was walking Debby I was singing “Gangsta’s Paradise” in my head.

So last night I was looking at Facebook and my nephew, Dave’s sister’s son who lives in Florida said he and his wife and child were staying on his boat during the hurricane.

I thought this was really stupid.

I did hear from them this morning and they are fine.

Since I gave them that boat I explained how embarrassed I would be if they had died or been blown away.

It’s shocking how kids these days only think of themselves.

Once again I want to recommend the greatest TV show I’ve seen in a long time ” A Place Called Home? on Acorn.

Why you should listen to me:

Even my sister Marcia agrees.

Why you shouldn’t listen to me:

  1. I watch every Bravo show and if I could figure out how to do it I would constantly comment on the recaps because I have loads of opinions on them
  2. The only reason the first line of this post didn’t say “Gangster’s Paradise” is because I saw it correctly on Huffpost before I pressed “Publish”

Now Zen

9/28/22. Stuff I think of suddenly

I don’t know if it’s because I’m old or what but moments of my life flash into my mind every once in awhile.

Some are good, some are upsetting, and some just are.

For example when I was a teenager I had a party.

It must have been a Friday night because my parents weren’t home. They played cards every

Friday.

Why they let me have a party when they were out stymies me but maybe my sister Marcia was home.

I was the fourth kid so they didn’t pay that much attention to me.

Anyway some kids from another neighborhood came uninvited. (I’m thinking “not Jewish”,therefore way sexier than the ones who were invited)

Anyway the party got out of hand (not my words but those of the cops).

But here’s the part that came to me in the night.

One of the boys (Jewish) went up to my father and said “Excuse me Mr.Smith but while I was dancing with your lovely daughter someone stole my glasses and my socks”

BTW in case you’re interested I had Covid and now I don’t so let those hugs be acoming!

Now Zen..

9/10/22. I Saved A Fly’s Life Today

And it’s only 9 a.m.

So I go into the kitchen, look down at Debby’s bowls and what do I see?

What appears to be a dead fly in her water.

Now I knew this would be unacceptable because Debby is a very fussy eater which is why I always give her choices at mealtimes.

Today we have chicken , roast beef and dry food (she never touches that).

I only put that there in case I drop dead so she’ll have something to eat that isn’t me until someone comes.

So I pick up the water bowl and put the fly on my finger only to find that he was just unconscious and was beginning to become alert. I hold him for almost a minute while he dries his wings.

He then flies (get it?) away.

Watching him I felt real affection. I will never swat a fly again.

This is not the first time I saved an animal from certain death.

In Florida I held a pelican while a fisherman cut the fishing line that was wrapped around his snoot.

I don’t want to call myself a hero.

That’s for you to determine.

I was going to rant about what a shitty dishwasher Bosch is but I wrote it on Facebook so I don’t want to kill a dead horse.

Which I wouldn’t because I am a …….you know.

Now a picture of someone who is NOT an animal lover.

7/21/22. I wonder if you do this….

What with Covid etc I have quite a lot of extra time.

I spend much of that time thinking about my most wonderful traits.

I kinda think that on the top of that list and the thing that makes me a welcome guest and neighbor is my ability not only to not mind my own business but correct the person’s business that I’m minding.

Why just yesterday I walked 3 loooong avenues with a printer that I was returning to the UPS store.

Don’t worry it was in a shopping cart.

But that didn’t make me any less hot and cranky.

I get to the store.

There’s a short line inside that I properly join.

While I’m waiting I notice an old man with a walker standing outside.

A young man comes along and holds the door open for him.

The old man shakes his head so the young man starts to go in the UPS store.

The old man began to yell “What are you doing? I was here first”

The young man said “But I thought you weren’t going in”

The old man screamed “I was waiting for the store to be less crowded.”

I should note here that it is a small store and I have seen people waiting outside but there was plenty of room on that day.

The UPS shouts “Either come in or stay out but close the door”

So they both come in.

The old man keeps yelling at the young man and the young man keeps trying to placate him.

This is going on for way to long.

At this point I shout “Enough”

Silence reigns.

See? I made my little corner of the world a better place.

I just reread this and realized it’s beyond boring.

I was going to add a few more instances but they weren’t any better.

The time I threatened to kill a man if he said one more word to me in the bagel store when he told me I was in the wrong line because I was hurrying to pick up my father at the airport doesn’t really fit because that was my business.

I don’t know if I should put on my thinking cap or just end this with Debby.

7/13/22 Being dumb is a full time job

Here’s one of the problems of having a smart family.

You have to pretend you aren’t dumb.

You see a smart family likes to think they’re all smart. They get real embarrassed if your dumbness sneaks out.

So the smartest thing I do is keep my dumbness under wraps.

I’ll give you an example.

I mainly watch reality shows.

Now you get to be invested in these people and often have opinions on their actions.

I read yesterday that Steve and Noi from Married At First Sight are getting a divorce. I had plenty to say about that.

I tried to comment on “All About The Tea” that “Steve really dodged a bullet” but it wouldn’t let me.

I feel safe commenting on sites like this because the smart people in my family wouldn’t touch those sites with a ten foot pole.

Still each time I try to write on one of these sites I use a pseudonym as part of my cover .

Here’s where the dumbness comes in. I never can remember what name I used so I keep getting a message “That email has been used with another name” and they don’t let me comment.

So without my help Noi will go on thinking that she’s not a jerk and Steve will wonder where he failed

I’ll be back in a minute. I have to walk Debby.

Mission accomplished.

Attack passing dog

And taking care of business

BTW Twitter wouldn’t let me call trump fuckface.

7/2/22. You think you know someone…

I’m talking about my cousin’s kids.

I see some of them but mostly as grown ups I only know them through family rare get togethers (funerals) where we rarely talk.

I also know them though Facebook or Instagram.

Remember these are the KIDS of my cousins, who by the way I adore, who are not that interested in knowing me that much either.

Let me give you an example.

My cousin Barbara’s kid Mike.

I’ve mentioned Barbara Gips. She’s the one who wrote “In space no one can hear you scream”.

Now I follow Mike on FB. He is always posting pictures of himself all tired after some grueling sports activity.

I’d comment something creepy like “Hubba hubba”.

I never knew what Mike did for a living. I thought he did something musclie. Like ran a bowling alley or bent steel.

Then lo and behold he sent me an article he wrote for the Washingtonian called “The Spy In My Basement”.

It turns out Mike is some kind of spy specialist and he really does have like a Seal Team 6 type spy living in his basement.

So I figure if he does run a bowling alley it’s probably a cover so he can catch commies.

Luckily I do know someone quite well

Although who knows what she does when I’m sleeping.

Finding pieces of hot dog in my bed could be some kind of spy signal.

6/26/22. I know that all other bloggers will be writing about what a shit country we are..

(Although these hearings are making me a bit more hopeful because they show what incredibly stupid criminals trump and his cohorts are.)

But I will write about something more important like my visiting family.

It’s my niece Cheryl.

Cheryl is like the man who came to dinner. She stops by for lunch and doesn’t leave for a week or two.

This time she brought her baby Lily with her.

As you can see they’re working hard to keep my house neat as a pin.

Debby is absolutely thrilled with them

She wouldn’t be if she knew some of the nazi rules that Cheryl is constantly trying to enforce.

For example:

You can’t share an ice cream pop with the dog. Or it is forbidden to take turns eating rice pudding from a spoon with said dog.

She thinks she’s Louis Pasteur.

I’ve been fully vaccinated and I don’t even have a cold. Why is she so worried that Debby will catch something?

Those two are out shopping so it’s time for lunch.

“What’ll we have Deb?

Oh yeah FUCK THE SUPREME COURT!