967. I may be happy today

I am trying to figure out why.

1. My dog was sick for about a week. Not eating and looking more depressed than usual. He’s totally back to himself. He ate 3 meals yesterday and barked at me all during “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”. Here he is preparing to romp.romp

2. Some judge called trump a stupid, lying, racist fuckface (I’m pretty sure that was the wording but I’m no lawyer) and refused to let him keep our tired and poor out of MY COUNTRY.

3. My shrink had changed my crazy pills but she changed them back when I asked her to sign a form so that I could “pack heat”.

Any one of those things could be it.

This snow should be getting me down but interestingly it isn’t. It’s given me a chance to get back to my alphabetical list of who’d I’d marry.

I have no A. B is Bon Jovi. C is Mark Cuban. D is and always will be Dylan.

That’s as far as I got. I think I’ll wait to see if any of those guys takes the bait before I use any of my diminishing brain granules on E or F.

Oh by the by I have a new way of making friends. When I pass anyone in the snow I say “Isn’t this weather nutty?”.

I figure it’s only a matter of time before someone asks me to trade digits.

I haven’t heard from David since my last post. It can’t be that I insulted him. I never do anything else. I guess he just got bored with me.

Maybe I should text him and ask him if he thinks the weather is nutty.

 

966. The ebb and flow of friendships

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t written about David in a long time.

When trump became president I could no longer be the exasperated friend  when he’d spout his racial, gender and religious slurs, his hatred for Obama and his love of guns.

Now I know you are saying to yourself “Why would she be friends with him to begin with?”

Let me try to answer that.

  1. Location location location: He lived down the hall.
  2. Has very much to do with #1. Because he lived down the hall and was engaged to one of my closest friends, Lizzy, he was around when my marriage broke up and he was very very good to me.
  3. When Liz and David broke up and she spent most of her time in Santa Fe, David and I became very close. We were both a comfort to each other.
  4. He’s not like anyone I’ve ever known. Let’s say it was like being friends with a snake.You hate to watch him eat mice but he keeps you  company while you watch TV.

Now he isn’t all bad. He doesn’t give a shit who marries who. He would like to keep guns out of the hands of some people and he thought trump was nuts. So nuts in fact that he voted for Hillary.

When David moved to Houston we kept in touch pretty regularly. We’d have a cocktail on the phone several times a week.

That is until the election.

David has made most of his money in oil and coal at least that’s what I think. I never much listened. If it benefited the oil industry I presume he’d poison the water that was given to sick puppies. Again, that’s just what I guess.

Under the comfort of President Obama I could laugh at him and fight with him on these calls and we’d hang up as friends.

The situation is different now. I’m really scared. When David said he was thrilled with shithead’s cabinet I couldn’t just call him an idiot and leave it at that.

I don’t have President Obama to protect me, children, the air, the water, health care, social security, illegal and even legal aliens or my country as I always knew it.

So our phone calls became fewer and shorter because the second he said anything I didn’t like I became the liberal trump. I didn’t try to refute it with logic I just hung up.

Now there is a new wrinkle in our relationship.

David tells me he is dating a woman who’s a liberal.

“How can she stand you?”

“I’m very careful when I speak. Although I did say wetback the other day and she was furious. But I’ve changed”

He sent me a photo:

pussy-hat

“All I can say is don’t get too attached to her. You think that hat is a Trojan Horse that will get you in her pants but I know you very well and there is no way you can hide who you are and as you know you a terrible person”

David actually sent me 2 photos to, I guess, show me how he’s changed and I put them both in this post. I removed the second one after I looked at  it carefully.

Maybe I’ll put it back in so you can see what offended me in it.

123951

Yep. He’s wearing a gun.

 

965 I got up happy today.

Why? Because Ray woke up dancing and I had a good day yesterday.

Here’s a picture of Ray during his romp.

happy.JPG

Doesn’t he look cheerful?

Now to my good day. Julie had jury duty.

What does that have to do with me?  Well you know how my family feels about food.

Julie told me that she had a bad lunch on her first day so I told her that I would meet her on her second day and take her someplace good.

It turned out that she was let go for good at lunch time so we had the afternoon to ourselves.

Why was she let go? Because she was too beautiful to sit on a jury, at least that was what we surmised.

Actually even though she was more than willing to serve she had to admit she was glad that she didn’t have to because the judge pronounced the word “proof” as “pruff” and she couldn’t abide by that.

Since I had my car we went uptown a bit to eat at a restaurant called The Clam.

We sat down and Julie showed me her galley (sp?) for her new book “The Stars In Our Eyes”, a laugh riot if there ever was one.

I don’t want to brag but I was #31 on the list of people she thanked in the back. I had tears in my eyes when I saw what she wrote about me.

We had a few words with the couple sitting next to us who it turned out worked for an airplane travel magazine. As you all know I am a prize winning travel writer and I couldn’t have been more excited. All for naught though because the guy went to the bathroom and had obviously googled Julie while dropping a duece and when he came out he was absolutely drooling over her.

I kept trying to interject but I could have been a talking lox for all he cared.

Anyway It was the best lunch I ever had in the nicest restaurant with the loveliest staff which was the important thing.

Back to my family and food.

We got back in the car and as we frequently do we spoke to my sister, Julie’s mother, Marcia, and told her about our day.

No sooner had I dropped Julie off at home when Marcia called me back.

“I was happy to hear about your great lunch. Guess what we’re having for dinner?”

“What?”

“I don’t know. Paul found something in the back of the freezer so we decided to defrost it and have it for dinner.”

“What?”

“Paul says it’s probably good or we wouldn’t have frozen it”

I actually wasn’t surprised by this. My brother in law is committed to saving the earth and using every bit of it as fully as possible.

I remember one time we were all eating salad and Paul went around the table cutting up chives that he had just picked from his garden in each of our bowls. Julie mumbled under her breath

“I just saw the dogs peeing on those chives.”

Since I let my dog kiss me on the mouth I dug in anyway.

Now that i think of it, that’s not really the same thing. Oh well, what’s done is done.

Back the the frozen dinner. Marcia called me after she ate.

“What was it?” I asked

“I’m not sure. I’m almost positive that it had zucchini in it. It was good though”

“Can you hone it down to a food group?”

“Not sure”

“Was there meat in it?”

“No, I figure that I must have served it with chicken cutlets and people filled up on that so this was left over”

“Well that’s good, Poirot. Even though you can’t say what it was you’ve not only limited it to a side dish but built a whole imaginary meal around it. Good going”

I told you. My family really likes their food.

I spoke to Marcia this morning. She’s alive.

 

964 Positivity in life under the Czar

You haven’t been hearing from me lately because I’m in such a funk over the political situation I just can’t bring myself to write.

That fucker doesn’t even give me a minute to pull myself together.

Today they eliminated a law keeping nuts from buying guns? Now how do they justify that?

STOP IT MATTIE!

My blog is supposed to lift people up even when I’m down.

So now I’m going to write about the constructive things I’ve been doing and will do during this situation. Everything will be noted in a positive tone.

I’m seeing my family.

A few weeks ago my little niece and her boyfriend came to visit. Here they are.sadie-and-nick

Now I could be writing about how young, good-looking and in love they are while I am alone and have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel but no.

Instead I will say that I used this time with them by sharing some of my wisdom. I gave them numerous lectures on abstention and if they ignore that I listed, with diagrams, the terrible diseases one can get from having sex willy nilly.

When they mentioned that they do drink beer at college I took my niece aside and advised  her of my time honored rule to only drink enough to get a buzz but not so much that you take out your tits, something that I learned the hard way which resulted in my no longer being allowed in any Olive Garden east of Newark.

And just this morning I got a call from AARP and Senator Schumer telling me that the Senator is truly worried that the republicans will alter Medicare so that I will have to use all my money for my crazy pills and whatever doomsday illness I will probably get.

Did I let that get me down?

Well to be honest for a while it did but my “can do” attitude jumped to the forefront.

I climbed out from under my bed and immediate drew up a list of requests I’d put on my “Go Fund Me” page.

1. My Chanel lipsticks cost about $39 a piece. And they don’t last that long.

You may think this is not a necessity but I feel I have to look attractive in order to try and find another meal ticket since my last one ran away to Japan.

2. Oh yeah I’m also going to need some cash for one of those ‘swinging singles’ get togethers. You know they don’t offer open bars at those things. Not a lot of cash. Remember my drinking rule, enough for a buzz.

I’m going to keep working on this list. I’ll let you know how it progresses.

You guys keep an eye out for it when it’s finished and don’t be chinzy when you donate.

And if any of you have an uncle or a grandfather with some moola, keep me in mind. It will help if the old guy is either blind or has sleep apnea.

The crap I have to put on my nose at bedtime isn’t for everyone.

963. Yes I marched

And so did Ray.

It did something very important for me. It lifted the gloom that I have felt since the election.

And the gloom was well founded with the tweets, cabinet possibilities and “Alternative facts”. It was even worse than I feared.

But standing with all those women and seeing that women all over the world were standing up cheered me.

I’ve done a lot of demonstrating in my life. Some of them were scary with police in riot gear and echoes of Kent State in my mind.

But some were like this one. march-cop

This has to be only the beginning.

Ah shit. I just realized that I’m probably going to have to leave my house again.

I hate that.

 

 

962 Yesterday was my birthday but that doesn’t mean that there weren’t bumps in the road.

I did have a wonderful few days with my sister and last night Julie and Dan took me and Marcia out to dinner.

We went to the indian restaurant on my block, Chola.

I have a long history with Chola. They cater my Thanksgiving and they’ve been my go to indian restaurant for years.

Why am I telling you this? to explain why I behaved as I did last night receiving what I considered to be an unfair tongue lashing from my co-diners (not you Dan)

I’ll set the stage by saying that Chola closed suddenly with no explanation and stayed closed for several months.

They reopened only a few weeks ago.

The meal was wonderful and all my favorite waiters stopped by to say hello. They even gave us a few things “on the house”.

Towards the end of the meal I delicately excused myself to “tap a kidney”.

When I got into the ladies room directly above the toilet paper roll was a sign saying

PLEASE DO NOT PUT ANY PAPER IN THE TOILET. KINDLY DISPOSE OF PAPER IN THE TRASH CAN.

I have to admit that I pondered over this sign. Could their delicate plumbing be the reason for the closing of the restaurant? Keep in mind that the sign is directly over the toilet paper roll.

I’m thinking that this pondering distracted me and at the end of my toilet (pronounced  twa-let) I thoughtlessly used the toilet paper and dropped it in the toilet.

 

When I realized what I’d done I was horrified. The thought that I would be responsible for another month long closing was more than I could bear.

I did what any faithful customer would do in this situation. I reached down into my pee, retrieved the culprit and put it in the trash can.

And yes I washed my  hands thoroughly with soap.

When I got back to the table I told my fellow diners what I had done and instead of the praise that I was expecting, I was greeted with condemnation and jeers.

“They meant paper towels stupid, not toilet paper”

This from my usual adoring sister.

“If they meant paper towels they wouldn’t have put the sign directly over the toilet paper”

Julie feigning a gag wasn’t any kinder.

“You put your hand in pee?”

Only Dan refused to jump on the bandwagon without doing some investigation himself. He went to the men’s room.

When he returned to the table he announced that the same sign existed in the men’s room but it’s  location was different. It was by the paper towels.

“Well,” I said, feeling vindicated “If it had been by the paper towels I would have behaved differently. I would have known that they meant paper towels”

Marcia; “Unless you were a moron”

Julie trying to soften her mother’s attack  “A birthday moron”

 

 

961 DON’T READ THIS UNLESS YOU’RE RELATED TO ME BY BLOOD

Why? Because only then will you get the magnitude of having 2 stinky meals when you’re away overnight.

Julie had to go to Southhampton to do some research on her new book. I decided to  accompany her so that I could check on my Montauk house.

I decided to leave Ray with my nephew Scott  since it was only for one night and he doesn’t love car rides.

You remember Scott. He’s the one who threw Ray off the chair only missing cracking his skull open by a hair.

I didn’t worry because I was sure that the stern look I gave him would put Scott on his best behavior and I was right.

As soon as he got to my house he texted me proof of life.

scott-1

“Why is he sitting on the couch alone?” I asked and he followed that unacceptable foto up with:

scott-2

I was able to relax. I guess this was because I didn’t know the horror that was to befall me.

The long car ride gave Julie and me much needed time to go over world and family events and discuss them until they were solved.

I don’t want to suggest that if we had taken this trip a little over a month ago we’d be gearing up for a Hillary Presidency but if we had taken this trip a little over a month ago we’d be gearing up for a Hillary Presidency .

We arrived at the library in Southhampton and Julie went in to do her research. When she finished it was about 2 p.m.so we decided to eat lunch in that tony town.

We chose what looked like a popular place. It was jammed with well dressed people not an original nose or a facial expression amongst them.

Julie and I each had one of their fancy sandwiches (you know with avocado and sprigs of green jammed in) and I had a small soup.

That set me back $43.00.

I DIDN’T EVEN EAT MY WHOLE SANDWICH BECAUSE IT STUNK SO MUCH. Julie was trying to keep a brave face while gagging down her lunch but I know the girl and I saw right through that.

We couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

We barely spoke on the way to Montauk but I think I heard Julie mumbling to herself “At least we’ll have dinner. At least we’ll have dinner.”

There wasn’t much open in Montauk, this being out of season, just one fancy restaurant that demanded reservations and one plain seafood place that demanded that you wear a shirt.

After our unfortunate lunch it was a no brainer.

The atmosphere in the fancy restaurant was lovely but that’s where it ended.

Now I could go into detail about how my cosmopolitan was undrinkable (I believe it was made with moonshine) and my pasta was mushy and had so much garlic in it that it was not to be eaten by a human with tastebuds.

Julie had a burger which she told me was only okay.

Here is a side note:

My friend Susan, who also has a house in Montauk considers this one of her go to restaurants. When I told her about my meal she made 3 follow up phone calls to me with questions about what I found wanting and why I chose to order what I did when surely I should have known that they have much better dishes.

I’ve always said that Susan gets madder if I don’t like a restaurant that she likes than if I call her daughters whores. (Her daughters by the way are lovely and most proper)

Anyway back to me and Julie.

We went back to the house feeling more than a little let down.

Julie and I slept in the same bed and may I recommend her to anyone who’d like to share  a bed with her.

She lies down on her back and doesn’t move. She sleeps like a salami.

She did make a few cutting remarks about my bite plate and sleeping machine but I put that down to hunger pains.

I do want to say that there was light at the end of the tunnel. I always prefer ending on a high note.

Our breakfast at John’s Pancake House  wonderful. In fact it pleased me so that I was more than willing to pose for this playful photo.

pancake

 

 

960. Almost a festive evening.

I spent the night at Stephanie’s again but this time she was home and she made a wonderful dinner and we played games.

Her darling husband Terry was there.

Stephanie always says that when I get feeble she’s going to take care of me. I am counting on Terry to protect me from her.

Also present my sweet niece and Steph’s baby sister, Laura and Laura’s son Scott.I could go on and on about how much Laura loves her boy but they say a picture is worth a thousand words.

laura-and-scott

He’s much older now but she still looks at him the same way.

Scott minds Ray for me whenever I go away.He stays at my apartment because as you know I don’t want Ray upset in any way.

I’m going away for one night next week with Julie and Scott has “kindly” agreed to care for  my boy.

Why is”kindly” in quotes?

First of all I’ve tried to ignore the fact that I’ve heard Scott and Stephanie refer to Ray as “not all there” but something happened last night that made me think I may be too forgiving.

We were sitting down to dinner and Ray took his usual spot at the table.

Just a reminder

ray-lunch

Since Ray was already seated and there were only 5 chairs I asked Scott if just this once he’d mind eating standing up.

Well you can imagine my shock when without a howdy do he just walked over to Ray’s chair and tipped it so Ray went flying.

Not wanting to ruin the tone of the evening I said nothing. I did give him quite an angry glare though so he’d know that I was displeased.

I’m thinking that if he treats my dog like this IN FRONT OF ME who knows what goes on when Scott is left to his own devices.

I think I’m going to buy a few of those penguins with cameras in them and leave them around next week just to keep an eye out.

In spite of that a good time was had by all.

The next morning Steph and I went shopping and while we were driving I happened to mention the meatballs and spaghetti that I had waiting for her and Terry when they came back from their last trip. Maybe I was waiting for  some compliments since my meatballs are stellar.

Nothing

“My meatballs have been called stellar” I gave her a little nudge.

“Well they gave me diarrhea”

That made me hot under the collar.

“Something else made you sick. Terry and I were fine.”

“I have some of them leftover in the freezer. If I get diarrhea again you can shove your meatballs up your ass.”

I am still trying to remember if I ever spoke to my Aunt Ray like that.

 

959 General kvetching

I live 4 blocks from trump Tower.

Every time that fat schmuck goes anywhere the traffic is held up and a million cars with flashing red lights go flying past my house. They even have an ambulance in case he gets a burger stuck in his throat.

I wear my Hillary tees quite a bit so whenever this parade goes and I’m walking Ray I open my shirt so that he can note my disapproval .

I did have  a nice weekend though. I went up to Steph’s house to mind her animals. She has

2 dogs

3 cats

2 donkeys

2 horses

I have to give the horses and donkeys lunch and dinner.

At lunch time I bring a big bunch of hay out to them and put it in specific spots for them to dine. The horses have no respect for me and they push me around.

One of them, I won’t mention any names,

horse

started eating the hay while it was in my arms thereby ignoring my “Down Boy!” instructions.

The donkeys were pretty well behaved but  when I wanted to take a picture WITH one  of them he made it pretty clear that he was a solo act.

donkey

The only one that was appreciative was the barn cat who greeted me warmly each time I went down to give them all dinner.

cat

Ray, on the other hand thought all these guys were well, animals.

He expected his lunch to be served properlyray-lunch

Oh there is one more thing. Having a blog is a big burden because you have to be truthful even if it mars you for life. So here goes…

I had  the beginnings of a sex dream with donald trump.

Luckily I woke up screaming before we “did it” but I’m still going to hell anyway.

958. Who’s on first?

I’ve always said I’d never marry again but as those of you who follow me on Facebook know, I’ve made some exceptions: President Obama, Jon Bon Jovi and others.

I was at physical therapy yesterday and I happened to mention this to Ricky my torturer.

So it will be easier for you to follow the conversation here’s a picture of him

img_2822

I’m really hoping that he’s showing someone an exercise in this picture.

Anyway I’m naming some of my lucky grooms Lebron James, any member of The Band…

“What band?” Ricky asks.

“THE BAND”

“I heard you. What band?”

To keep it from gong on forever I say, because I’m older and I see this as a teaching moment,

“You young punk I’d like to punch your lights out. The name of the group is “The Band” They backed Bob Dylan and you know… “The Last Waltz?”

” How would I know that? If I asked you if you knew who Souja Boy was, You wouldn’t know that.

“I absolutely do because I live in this world and (a little quieter) I watch TMZ every night.

From the next torture table a guy pipes up.

“If you ask me about “Soldier Boy” I know what I’d answer and he starts to sing the Shirrelles’ song.

Naturally I join in.

“Oh my little soldier boy.  I’ll be true tooooooo youuuuuuu”