5/27/20 Random thoughts

I’m not going to say I have trouble sleeping exactly.

I used to fall asleep with spit coming out of my mouth in recording studios with a 13 piece band playing out of those giant speakers.

I’m still sleeping okay. I just wake up in the night because I think of something unpleasant in my past.

It’s like before you die your life flashes before you.

But it’s rarely happy moments. Usually it’s humiliating times or unpleasant things I’ve gone through or done.

I’m 76 and I’ve never been the “think before you act” kind of girl so there are plenty of them.

But last night it was a little different.  It didn’t have to do with me at all.

It was my father and my sister Iris.

This thing was so shocking that when I mentioned it to my sister Marcia just now on the phone.  Her reaction was the same as it was maybe 60 years ago.  There was a hush and then she said in a breathy voice “What was she thinking?”

First let me describe my father.

He was everything you’d want your father to be.

He was smart and kind and generous.

He was also the kind of guy that was always properly dressed.

If he was in pajamas, it was always with a robe and slippers.

I probably couldn’t pick his feet out in a line up.

Maybe it was because we were a family of all girls.

He was quite impressive personally.  I’ve never seen anyone treat him in any way but with respect. Here’s a picture of him.

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In fact for future edification here is my whole family. The sisters in order of age from left to right.

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Iris, Phyllis, my mother, my father, Marcia and me.

Old pictures but you get the idea.

So here’s the thing I was talking about.

Iris was walking behind my father going up the stairs.

And she goosed him!

As she told me about it later. It wasn’t even a little goose. It was a deep one.

“Are you crazy??” I asked.

“I think maybe momentarily. I don’t know what I was thinking” she said.

“What did he do?”

“He jumped and kind of squeaked ”

We vowed never to speak or even think of it again.

And we didn’t until it jumped into my psyche this morning.

I really miss my sister Iris.

I miss my dad too.

Now, because I’ve got the willies just thinking about it.

Zen

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5/26/20 I’m all holidayed out

Whew I never knew how energizing a three day weekend  could be.

I’m all tuckered out both physically and mentally.

Yesterday I brought the vacuum into the living room.

You see I dropped a glass there about two weeks ago.

Luckily I was able to cover the shards with a wee wee pad so it didn’t interfere with my dancing.

I’m pretty sure that sometime before Labor Day I’ll be able to put that vacuum to good use.

Busy busy busy.

I believe I’ve told you about my friend David.

He moved back from Texas and now lives in Connecticut.

Last night we were having one of our telephone cocktail chats.

On that call he told me that I’m one of his closest friends and I had to admit that he’s one of mine.

Here’s the interesting thing about that.

I despise him and everything he stands for. He really is a despicable person.

Yet he is in fact one of my best friends and I am one of his.

He never makes me feel better either. He remembers and is pleased to remind me of every misstep I’ve ever taken.

Just last night he reminded me that when I got engaged to dave my mother warned me that it was just a matter of time before he called me a dirty Jew.

My mom had a way with words. She was quite the kidder.

I think maybe this friendship is the secret that the Sphinx has been keeping hidden.

I’m seriously thinking of going to Whole Foods today.  Alone since you know….. banned.

We haven’t been out of each other’s sight in months.  I don’t know how I’m going to break it to her.

Although I am my mother’s daughter.

I could tell her that if she wasn’t such a fuck up she could come with me.

I know the dirty Jew thing comforted me.

Now Zen

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5/23/20 What I’m learning about myself

Number one I am not industrious.

Everyone I talk to is putting this time to good use or at least to use.

My sister who is 6 years older than me is mowing her lawn and tidying the desk full of crap near her front door.

Julie is running up and down steps in the park.

Even my friend Susan who’s stuck in that hell hole Florida. Every time she calls me she’s on a walk.

I wasn’t always like this.

At the start of this at home thing I was sitting in my chair watching TV (Either Bravo or Psych) and I noticed that the dresser on which my TV rests was really dusty.

What did I do?

I got right up and went to get that duster thing and dusted that dresser.

This wasn’t easy. It wasn’t just a swipe.

I had things on that dresser.

I had my cable box, a VCR, my mother’s sewing basket that had a packet of free needles from Shopwell in it and a comb.

I had to do a lot of navigating.

But I did it.

Now here it is about 28 or so days later and guess what?

It’s all dusty again so that was all in vain.

You won’t catch me doing all that again.

As for now I think I’ll just enjoy this Zen

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5/20/20 This and That

I’m torn between hating the Amazon guy, Jeff something, and buying everything from Amazon.

I treat Amazon like a great book.

It’s my “War and Peace”.

Here’s why having a blog is great. I can make you believe anything I want about me.

The few people that read this and actually know me are aware that I would never read “War and Peace” unless the world ran out of People magazines.

Anyway I only order things I really need like yesterday I ordered a weeder with wheels.

And I’ve got to keep Debby from staring at me all the time so I am continually ordering her these chew sticks.

The problem with them is she only likes the string of dried chicken that is wrapped around them. The rest of them she leaves around the house.

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And this morning I woke up and found this on my bed.

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Where’d she get the popcorn? Has she been going to the movies without me?

I haven’t had popcorn in over a week.

I wonder if this is the Universe telling me to vacuum?

Nah, I’ll go with the movie thing.

Maybe this isn’t the right place to say this but I’m so scared that trump will succeed in keeping people from voting and no one will stop him.

So thats why I need this Zen as much as you do.

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5/18/20 I’ve pretty much got this isolation thing aced

I live alone with Debby.

As far as my appearance goes I really don’t have to fuss.

She thinks I’m gorgeous.

Who am I gonna dress up for?

I only go out to walk the dog.

I go to the bank or grocery store very seldom and I’m always wearing a mask and sun glasses

I only put on make up for zoom calls.

Then I realized maybe I’m being too cavalier about this.

My gray roots are turning into stems.

If I don’t shave my legs soon I’ll have to wear larger size slacks.

My once beautiful toenail polish is chipped like crazy and it’s almost sandal season.

Then I remembered.

A super model once lived down the hall.

One night I went over to her house and she was eating take out Chinese food on good china by candle light.

“You do this when you’re eating by yourself?” I asked.

“Of course, who’s more important than me?”

I decided that I’d better get control .

So I dyed my hair, shaved my legs and polished my toenails

I walked my dog and went to the bank feeling pretty good about myself.

When I got home I realized that my shirt was on inside out.

Baby steps.

Now Zen

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Debby in the cart she jumped out of to bite another dog which got her banned from Whole Foods

 

 

 

5/14/20 Parenting lesson from someone with no children

From the time I was little I’ve had the same nightmare.

I am being chased by a clown and an Ice cream cone.

When I was married my husband had a band that played every Monday night.

On those nights we’d come home very late and  watch television in bed before going to sleep.

There used to be a show that would take one year and show newsreels from that year.

On this fateful night they were doing 1946.

When they got to the Macy’s Day Parade I jumped up.

There was my Ice cream cone and my clown.

It was just before my third birthday.

Lesson?

Go out for Chinese food on Thanksgiving.

I bet you people didn’t think I could get scientific.

It’s not easy coming up with something when every day is the same.

If you think this is boring wait until next week. I’m thinking of doing my laundry.

Maybe I’ll mix up my colors and whites.

That should be a laugh riot.

A bit of Zen. I may have shown you this before but it deserves a second show. It’s my Super fixing my sink.

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5/11/20 What might have been

I am assuming that all of you are incredibly curious about what my life was before I became famous.

Maybe not famous. Maybe looked up to.

Not so much looked up to as having my doorman calling me by my first name.

Well there is a new guy who calls me 18A but he’s only part time.

Anyway.

I was a social worker in the South Bronx for 11 years.

As I was and am very beautiful you can imagine that that was not easy.

However I was actually quite good at it.

I once stopped a gang fight.

It wasn’t like now with machine guns and bazookas.

These kids only had chains and knives.

I got in between them and and if I may, “speechified”.

You see I wasn’t in that much danger because I knew most of their mothers.

I began with  the importance of using your words and moved on to choosing your battles.

By the time I got to “In the great words of…” about 40 minutes later most of them had wandered off.

I had actually bored them out fighting.

A skill I have honed into perfection.

That wasn’t my first choice of a career.

I wanted to be a cop but I thought I might have to run so I put that on my back burner.

Who would have thought that I’d become a marvelously successful lyricist ?

Of course most of my songs were recorded in Japan by people who couldn’t speak english so I could have written “I’m in love with my shoe” and I would have been just as successful.

Now that I think of it I wasn’t that successful.

That’s a bummer.

I guess I’ll just go to Zen

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5/8/20 I know it’s hard to believe

Because I seem so together but I’m really getting jittery with this whole Corona thing.

In fact seeing trump in the face mask factory wearing goggles and no mask made my “He’s such a schmuck” move on to “OMG this monster is responsible for getting us through this”.

I don’t know why this in particular did it. Maybe it’s the straw on the camel’s back thing but my growing anxiety made me do a face time with my wig picker who has come out of retirement because she’s afraid her nuts will storm the City.

(I think that’s what you call a run on sentence)

Anyway it was good talking to her and seeing her. I even got to see her cat and  I let her see Debby.

In fact I felt such a personal connection that I was thinking of dropping my friend Susan and making her my best friend.

That is until she charged me 250 samonllians.

Susan is free and she doesn’t have a fuckin’ cat.

My shrink did give me some good ideas.

She said I should try to be more active so I  picked up an apple core that I dropped on Tuesday.

She also advised me to eat healthy which I already do. Hello? Apple core?

She also told me not to dwell on the present but to think of things in the past that have given me pleasure.

That immediately brought to mind what I have always considered the perfect insult.

In an effort to cheer her up my sister Marcia mentioned to someone she knew slightly who was bemoaning her second divorce that our sister Iris had married her second husband and was very happy.

The woman asked Marcia “Does your sister look like you?”

“Yes” Marcia said.

“Well if she could get 2 husbands I can certainly get 3.”

Drum roll.

Because when I was asked to remember something pleasant the first thing that came to mind was something mean I may need this moment of Zen more than you do.

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3/4/20 Why is there a banana peel on my rug?

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And other surprises that come along with this Corona Virus.

For example this isolation stuff might be right in my wheelhouse.

I’ve been dying my own hair since I was 14 and I’ve always been right on top of it.

I didn’t even remember what color my natural hair was.

I have plenty of hair dye in my house but have I been using it? No.

Even though I’ve finally discovered it’s grey I couldn’t give less of a shit.

Who’s gonna see me? My doorman when I take Debby out?

I gave up the idea of tapping that ever since he showed me a huge tattoo of 4 of his 6 children on his back.

Doing laundry?

A thing of the past.

I wear one dress on my dog walks and the second I get home I put on one of my many shmattas WHICH are cleaned whenever I take a shower.

(You remember the promise I made to my Super never to be naked. I”m a woman of my word.)

Group gatherings?

!’ve never been good at parties.

I have absolutely no ability for small talk.

I usually sit near the peanut M&M’s and sip my cocktail until it’s a reasonable time to leave then I beat it.

I was better when my friend Liz lived down the hall.

We once went to a party and I saw her walk over to an older woman and say “What a lovely hat” and the two of them chatted away.

So I started complementing people on their hats and I will say it improved my party personality.

But Liz moved to Santa Fe and people stopped wearing hats and anyway all I had down the hall was her republican, racist ex fiance who wouldn’t know a nice hat if he was wearing one.

The only thing he could teach me as an ice breaker would be “Nice tits” or some joke where the punch line would his latest slur for Mexicans or Jews.

So I’m just as happy not going to parties and people  are just as happy not to invite me.

So we are both left with this…Zen

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