What with Covid etc I have quite a lot of extra time.

I spend much of that time thinking about my most wonderful traits.

I kinda think that on the top of that list and the thing that makes me a welcome guest and neighbor is my ability not only to not mind my own business but correct the person’s business that I’m minding.

Why just yesterday I walked 3 loooong avenues with a printer that I was returning to the UPS store.

Don’t worry it was in a shopping cart.

But that didn’t make me any less hot and cranky.

I get to the store.

There’s a short line inside that I properly join.

While I’m waiting I notice an old man with a walker standing outside.

A young man comes along and holds the door open for him.

The old man shakes his head so the young man starts to go in the UPS store.

The old man began to yell “What are you doing? I was here first”

The young man said “But I thought you weren’t going in”

The old man screamed “I was waiting for the store to be less crowded.”

I should note here that it is a small store and I have seen people waiting outside but there was plenty of room on that day.

The UPS shouts “Either come in or stay out but close the door”

So they both come in.

The old man keeps yelling at the young man and the young man keeps trying to placate him.

This is going on for way to long.

At this point I shout “Enough”

Silence reigns.

See? I made my little corner of the world a better place.

I just reread this and realized it’s beyond boring.

I was going to add a few more instances but they weren’t any better.

The time I threatened to kill a man if he said one more word to me in the bagel store when he told me I was in the wrong line because I was hurrying to pick up my father at the airport doesn’t really fit because that was my business.

I don’t know if I should put on my thinking cap or just end this with Debby.

Here’s one of the problems of having a smart family.

You have to pretend you aren’t dumb.

You see a smart family likes to think they’re all smart. They get real embarrassed if your dumbness sneaks out.

So the smartest thing I do is keep my dumbness under wraps.

I’ll give you an example.

I mainly watch reality shows.

Now you get to be invested in these people and often have opinions on their actions.

I read yesterday that Steve and Noi from Married At First Sight are getting a divorce. I had plenty to say about that.

I tried to comment on “All About The Tea” that “Steve really dodged a bullet” but it wouldn’t let me.

I feel safe commenting on sites like this because the smart people in my family wouldn’t touch those sites with a ten foot pole.

Still each time I try to write on one of these sites I use a pseudonym as part of my cover .

Here’s where the dumbness comes in. I never can remember what name I used so I keep getting a message “That email has been used with another name” and they don’t let me comment.

So without my help Noi will go on thinking that she’s not a jerk and Steve will wonder where he failed

I’ll be back in a minute. I have to walk Debby.

Mission accomplished.

Attack passing dog

And taking care of business

BTW Twitter wouldn’t let me call trump fuckface.

I’m talking about my cousin’s kids.

I see some of them but mostly as grown ups I only know them through family rare get togethers (funerals) where we rarely talk.

I also know them though Facebook or Instagram.

Remember these are the KIDS of my cousins, who by the way I adore, who are not that interested in knowing me that much either.

Let me give you an example.

My cousin Barbara’s kid Mike.

I’ve mentioned Barbara Gips. She’s the one who wrote “In space no one can hear you scream”.

Now I follow Mike on FB. He is always posting pictures of himself all tired after some grueling sports activity.

I’d comment something creepy like “Hubba hubba”.

I never knew what Mike did for a living. I thought he did something musclie. Like ran a bowling alley or bent steel.

Then lo and behold he sent me an article he wrote for the Washingtonian called “The Spy In My Basement”.

It turns out Mike is some kind of spy specialist and he really does have like a Seal Team 6 type spy living in his basement.

So I figure if he does run a bowling alley it’s probably a cover so he can catch commies.

Luckily I do know someone quite well

Although who knows what she does when I’m sleeping.

Finding pieces of hot dog in my bed could be some kind of spy signal.

(Although these hearings are making me a bit more hopeful because they show what incredibly stupid criminals trump and his cohorts are.)

But I will write about something more important like my visiting family.

It’s my niece Cheryl.

Cheryl is like the man who came to dinner. She stops by for lunch and doesn’t leave for a week or two.

This time she brought her baby Lily with her.

As you can see they’re working hard to keep my house neat as a pin.

Debby is absolutely thrilled with them

She wouldn’t be if she knew some of the nazi rules that Cheryl is constantly trying to enforce.

For example:

You can’t share an ice cream pop with the dog. Or it is forbidden to take turns eating rice pudding from a spoon with said dog.

She thinks she’s Louis Pasteur.

I’ve been fully vaccinated and I don’t even have a cold. Why is she so worried that Debby will catch something?

Those two are out shopping so it’s time for lunch.

“What’ll we have Deb?

Oh yeah FUCK THE SUPREME COURT!

Not for me because I’ve always had that aced.

But since my life is so boring now I may be writing about others who are not so gifted.

For example I was walking Debby yesterday and I noticed a young white guy sitting on the steps of a building.

He was really giving it his all.

He had plenty of tats.

He was wearing a dew rag and looking at his phone.

The only thing missing was a butt sticking out of his mouth but he was about to rectify that.

He looked over at a truck parked in front of him with a young black guy sitting in the passenger seat.

“Bro, Got a light?”

“Yes I do but I’m not your bro.”

The tap dance begins.

“Oh I know that.” yadda yadda yadd

” I just call everyone Bro”.

I had just walked past him and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t gonna call me bro.

But my heart went out to them both.

The kid clearly is trying to connect with the guy in the truck

And the guy in the truck was asserting himself without being rude.

A little slice of life with people relating to each other in these uncertain times

Now I will discuss Pride.

Just as trump had given racists and haters permission to openly come out of the closet, these attempts of restrictive laws and open homophobia has given permission for more people to speak out and openly show themselves as who they truly are be it gay, bisexual, trans or even even people who are none of these but accept all.

Which is why I proudly show you Debby and her fiance.

Due to pleas from my fans ( someone asked my friend Susan “How’s Mattie?”) I’ve decided to start writing my blog again.

Here’s the rub. I’ve jumped into this covid ‘stay in your house and watch TV’ with both feet so I’m going to have to be creative to get your attention.

I hate to leave my house.

The fact that Debby doesn’t want me to has a lot to do with it since she runs the show here.

She constantly stares at me making me leave whatever spot I’m in and I go to a place that she’d prefer, like the couch.

I do it because who needs the aggravation?

It’s not like she doesn’t give back.

I’ve had some a/c problems and my Super Lester is constantly at my house fixing it. Luckily Debby is there to help him.

Frankly I’m not sure just how competent he is. I’ve never seen him fix anything without
Debby’s help.

My opinion on world topics

I was pretty sure we had cured all race and war problems in the 60’s.

Apparently I was wrong.

Since I’m 78 I’m doing what I can now.

As you know I wear BLM shirts every day, except for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

I will only stop doing this when I no longer hear George Floyd call for his mother when I try to sleep.

Anyway I was watching Dave Chappelle on TV and he said the only ones wearing BLM shirts are white girls.

So I started thinking. Am I a schmuck?

But when I walked my dog that very day a young black girl came over to me and said “I’ve been seeing you wear that shirt every day and every time I see you it makes me happy”

So fuck you Dave Chappelle.

Now I know you want me to react on the Depp/Heard trial.

Here it is.

They are both nuts.

Jonny had better lawyers and a better game face.

Amber lost the minute she admitted that she didn’t donate that money to charity.

Neither one should have gotten a cent.

See? This covid thing clears your mind of bullshit so you can spend your time thinking of important stuff.

Well that’s it for now but don’t worry there are world problems I am just aching to cure.

First let me tell you how my day started.

I bought a new perfume.

I sprayed it on one arm and on the other arm I sprayed my old perfume. I asked my doorman (who’s a woman) to smell both my arms and see which she liked better.

I’m so known as a weirdo in my building that when I asked the young kid who works here when he came in with his morning coffee to smell my arms, just to check, he didn’t even ask why he just smelled them

And this has already been one of my busier days.

BTW it was my old perfume that won.

I’m so mad at America now.

It’s nothing like I grew up thinking.

It’s shitty.

First of all I was pretty sure we had cured that racist and war thing in the 60’s.

Guess what ? We didn’t.

Smart phones have done a great deal in doing their job and smartening me up.

So now at 78 I’m having to get active again.

This proves that we must teach REAL history in schools so kids know what they have to fix.

Ya want to know which country I like better?

England.

Why?

Technology again.

I’m watching Britbox and seeing some of their old tv shows.

I always thought of the British as being snootier than us cause they talk snooty but on their TV shows they’ve been saying “shit” and “Jesus Christ” when they’re shocked for years while Americans have filtered the way real people speak on TV because we’re religious nuts who don’t allow “shit” on TV while we shrug our shoulders about people having guns and shooting up crowds.

And don’t be writing and telling me all the shit that the British have done because my main concern is TV.

So I’m not moving to England or anything because I do love New York City but I will start saying a lot more “shants” and “blimeys”

Well since this post is such a downer I will cheer you up with a picture of Debby helping my Super fix my air conditioner (which he didn’t fix by the way)

Me?

Well today I’m celebrating Elvis Presley’s birthday.

I just had mine on January 6th which was ruined because instead of the White house giving their usual speech about wanting to name the Bronx after me all they could talk about was something about killing democracy.

I tried to make the best of it though. I had a zoom call with my family.

And had pizza for dinner.

I didn’t ask anyone to donate to a charity in my name though.

I figured if they want to donate they can and anyway it was MY birthday and if they have any extra money they should be buying ME something.

(btw I am registered in Bloomingdales and I really had my eye on some grey slacks and I know it sounds crazy but I wouldn’t throw a tutu back in your face)

Enough about me.

Being inside for the majority of my life now due to Covid my dog has learned to totally control me.

When she wants me to go to bed she sits on my lap and stares at me until I do her bidding.

Don’t think I don’t put up a fight.

“No Debby! It’s 7:15! I have things to do!”

So I watch TV from my bed until she falls asleep so I can clean the kitchen.

I shouldn’t have said that. It might put a dent in my dog training earnings.

But who could stand up to this?

Some people say it’s because of the nonrefundable down payment of $150.

I think they’re wrong. I have overhead you know.

I don’t live here free.

And while those mutts are in training ya gotta feed’em.

Not a lot because they’ve got to have something to look forward to if they do what I say.

As I said my school was a bust so I only give pet training advice to family or friends AT NO COST!

Obviously I will accept nominal gifts of cash or small luxury items as a thank you.

For example, my sweet niece Stephanie just got her third dog.

Her other two were fox terriers and totally untrained dogs. They don’t even respect other dogs.

• 

Anyway they were short haired dogs so shedding wasn’t a problem.

Her new dog however is some kind of lion or something and she came to me for advice on how to train this guy, his name is Francois or Pierre or some such french thing, not to go on the furniture.

You know, the shedding.

I have spent the past few weeks tirelessly teaching Lancelot to stay off the furniture even though his brother and sister can do whatever the fuck they want.

I’m proud to say I have been successful. It wasn’t easy but I may take my school off the back burner.

Wait…. I just got a text..from Steph…Oh good It’s some photos..

Back to the drawing board.

Anyone want to learn how to tap dance?

Which is a lucky thing since I hate to leave my house.

Fortunately I am absolutely great at it.

I don’t cook as much as I used to but I make up for that by ordering from the finest restaurants.

And I don’t drop a stitch when it comes to keeping the vibes first class.

Cloth napkins always and candlelight in the evenings are de rigueur.

I keep an eye on the conversation too.

No negative vibes.

Not at my table!

Say one of my friends brings up an unbecoming hairdo that another friend wore at a get together.

I immediately turn the story around to be a compliment like “perhaps she chose to wear that beehive so that my page boy would shine since it was a celebration of my almost leaving my house to buy socks.

If I can slip the word “shant” into it I will consider my comment gold.

Just yesterday my nephew Matthew slept over.

Since he would be here for lunch I invited his sister Julie to join us. You must have heard me mention them, the Klams.

The lunch was glorious as per usual. Conversation, perfection. We even touched on all our hopes that a remake of The Mikado with an all kitten cast would soon be mentioned on one of the Bravo shows.

We took a few pictures for your pleasure.