899 Boys will be schmucks

David has been having plenty of “last meals” with his New York friends and relatives.

The other night he had his son Milton and Milton’s childhood to now friends for a chili dinner and a Dallas football game.

Although they’ve always had for this group a “No Girls Allowed” rule David did ask me if I wanted to come over for a drink.

I declined but begged him to let Ray come. Ray loves these boys.

David said ok but only until he becomes a pain.

This happened about an hour after the game started when he was playing tug of war with one of the boys and growling.

David told me later that Milton looked over at him and said “Doesn’t that dog know there’s a football game on?”

At which point Ray was put into the hall and the door slammed behind him.

The next morning I asked how the party went. David couldn’t stop laughing while trying to tell me.

It seems that Milton and his friend Marvin were in a bar and Milton pointed out a girl looking at Marvin “I think she’s interested in you.

She was really pretty so Marvin went over and talked to her. It was the end of the night so Marvin asked if he could meet her the next night for a drink.

They met as planned. Marvin asked her what she did for a living and she answered that she was between jobs. She had been a media digital analyst but now she was into internet porn.

“Porn? Tell me more” Marvin couldn’t believe his good luck.

It seems that she made videos under the name of Cuminabag6 which as one of the boys noted that meant there was still Cuminabag5 down to 1 that had to be gone through before she could get that name.

It clearly was a love match between Cum and Marvin because she gave him some free passes to her website.

The rest of the evening was spent with David and the boys going back and forth between Tony Romo and Cum showing her wares on their cell phones and screaming with laughter.

And I missed it.

Well I can say good bye to classy nights like this when David leaves.


898. Last night I met the Devil

Months ago David told me that he finally met someone in Santa Fe that he really liked. You know a like minded person. He was a hunter and a bigot and just about everything that David admires in a man.

It seems that this guy no longer lives in Santa Fe but he and his wife are visiting New York and David has been spending every evening with them.

Last night Ray and I were checking out what was on the tube for later and trying to decide what to eat for dinner when David called.

“My friend and I are at Le Cirque having a drink. How about we come up and have a drink with you?”

“Sure” I knew Ray would be thrilled to see him.

Le Cirque is across the street from my house so I knew they’d be up in a few minutes.

I put some cheese and crackers out on the terrace and opened my front door so Ray could greet them when they came off the elevator. He loves to do that.

When they arrived I walked out to say hello.

“I understand you’re a Jew”

I know he was trying to be funny so I just smiled and said  “Yes, that is true”

Then after David checking out that I had a suitable brand of scotch we all went out to the terrace.

We got on the subject of the Republican debate. I told them that I stopped listening when I heard one of them bring up Columbine.

“I don’t think people that try to block any kind of gun control bill have the right to say that word.”

David and his friend took issue with that.  They both insisted the only way to make anyone safe is for everyone to be armed.

After that piece of brilliance I mostly listened to the two of them talking.

That is until one of them said that Obama will definitely go down as the worst President ever because he’s made the world a much more dangerous place.

Them’s fighting words to me. “Are you two nuts? George W. is the one who put us where we are today”

Then David’s friend looked at me sternly “George W. is a good friend of mine”

He was a guest in my home so I did what I always do when I don’t want to make waves, I backtracked like a mutha fucka.

“Well we were very pleased with him after 9/11 when he came to NY”

A while later he dropped some other bigwig’s name so I asked him how come he knew all these important people.

“Because I’m an important person”

“Ah, I see”

Now I could go through the whole conversation but let me give you some of the highlights. This guy made David look like a Democrat.

When telling me that his wife was a judge he added “I like smart women. I married two dumb ones before I found her.”

This putz actually got 3 wives and the “dumb one’s ” he talks about are the mothers of his children.

Liz once criticized me for assuming that all Texans use the N word because she knows lots of Texans and none of them do.

Well this guy didn’t get the memo.

“Those Kardayshians (his pronunciation) are they n words?”

“That one has one of those tractor seat asses”

When we briefly touched on the 14 year old boy that got arrested for making a clock because the teacher thought it was a bomb he offered this bit  of wisdom.

“Todays clock maker is tomorrow’s bomb maker.”

All the time David was laughing hysterically at everything this guy said.

Consider this one of those evenings that goes on the “Glad He’s Leaving” list.

897. Mem’ries

In a few short weeks David will be gone from my life forever.

Unless he comes to New York on business and every other person he knows here is busy.

For that reason I will sprinkle my blogs until he leaves with his bon mots.

This will have the following effect on me. I’ll hear the type of things I will never have to listen to again which will in some ways make me glad to see him go and in others make it harder to say good bye.

Why just this morning we were having coffee on his terrace and discussing how to pack his dead chicken. He insists that it was sent to him packed in styrofoam peanuts and it survived the trip.

I reminded him that styrofoam isn’t legal any more. I saw an experiment where they burnt styrofoam in a tube and it immediately sucked all the oxygen out of the tube.

He got a big grin on his face and asked me to guess which US city has the lowest rate of recycling. Yep, Houston.

“You know David when I was a little girl a loaf of bread would last only a few days and then it would get moldy. Now they put chemicals in the bread and it lasts for weeks. But guess where all those chemicals end up? In the bodies of growing children.”

I really thought I had him with that one. I should have known better.

“Okay but if you do away with those chemicals 1/3 of the world would die” then he added as he went for a fresh cup of coffee, “Not that it’s a third of the world that I give a shit about”.

This goes on the “Glad To See Him Go” list.






896. I Am A Saint Part Deux or the dave’s

Well I had a whole other idea about today’s blog but stuff happens.

dave still uses this address as his american address. Periodically something comes here that he needs and I send it to him because I’m what? That’s right, a saint.

Anyway he got some new credit cards and he wanted me to fedex them to him. Which I did, again because why? You guessed it.

Unfortunately I sent it to his previous address in Japan where, as he said in this morning’s email, he and his slut, er wife, haven’t lived in a year and a half.

I simply must keep better track of them. Anyway I spent this whole morning talking to Fedex.

(Please God make the credit cards arrive safely or dave will drop me like a hot potato and move to another land and marry the whore he was fucking while we were married.)

Another thing that has occurred is that the box of David’s suits that I so lovingly packed to go to the veteran’s was rejected by UPS because it was too heavy so I have to repack it in 3 separate boxes.

I told David this and his reaction was, “You sure are using a lot of my boxes”.

But he was appreciative.

“To thank you for this” he said “I’m taking you out to dinner”

“If you think you’re taking me to that shit mexican restaurant, Rosa Mexicana, you can shove it up your ass”

” Well that was gracious, where do you want to go?”

“I like italian food, chinese food or steak”

I got an email later in the day that he had made a reservation at Bobby Van’s Steak House, a really fancy place.

I spent the rest of the day perusing the menu to see what I’d like to order.

I wrote back “I think I’ll have the filet mignon and not that petite thing. Oh and I’m expecting 3 courses…..and sides”

“Still the charmer”

The dinner was terrific. And as always, he ordered great wine.

He wouldn’t tell me how much it cost but it had to be double digits.

One thing I’ll really miss about eating with him is that during the meal he invariably points to somewhere on his face letting me know that that’s where I have food.

He follows it up with a quote from the movie “A New Leaf” where the butler, George Rose, tells the husband played by Walter Matthau that he made sure his wife, Elaine May, was “Free of crumbs” when she went out.

I’ll also miss the good wine.


895. I may be too good to be true

I am a saint.

David had a bunch of suits from fancy stores that he didn’t want any more. According to him none of them cost less than a grand.

He asked me to find a suitable group to donate them to.

He wanted them out of his apartment by this weekend because he’s having a dinner for his closest friends ( Go ahead, ask me if I am invited) and the suits were clogging up the place.

My first preference was the NAACP or any Jewish group just to piss him off but I couldn’t schedule a pick  up in time so I decided the Viet Nam Veterans of America. They give to all veterans not just Viet Nam veterans.

Well let me tell you! This was a bitch. I put all those suits in a box, about 20, sealed it up and dragged it to the elevator and down to the doorman.

Was it heavy? Yes it was. Am I 71? Yes I am! Will I get the tax deduction? NO I won’t.

Up until last night I thought that David would do very well in Houston but I may have been wrong.

It’s possible that he’s lived in New York too long.

You know how polite southerners are even while they are shooting you? Well David being away from Texas for so long may have lost his edge.

Last evening we were sitting on my terrace having cocktails enjoying the evening when his real estate broker called and said that his future landlord either wanted to add something to the lease or wanted  him to re send something, I didn’t get all the details.

His reply?

“Tell her to suck my dick”

Now this is a perfectly appropriate response here in the Big Apple but I gotta think that in Texas he should have added a please to that.

894. A Day In The Life

So what did you do the other day?


1. Packed a shotgun cleverly

2. Had a fight with my best friend

3. Ate crow

4.Went to a party

  1. David and I were packing his suits when he took his shotgun out of his case and told me he wanted to put it in the box in between his suits. He got all teary eyed while telling me the history of the gun.

It seems that his father had used it the last time they went murdering innocent birds together and though it was not a particularly valuable gun, the fact that it was passed down from father to son made it a treasure to  him and he would never part with it.

I told him that though Jews rarely pass guns down to their children, I too had things that were truly valuable to me that I got from my mother. For example the diamond earrings that she always wore and if it wasn’t for the fact that I really wanted to go to Italy with my sister, I’d have them today.

But don’t think I’m not sentimental. Marcia and I will certainly toast her while we hoist a few on the shores of Lake Como.

Dry your eyes people, we’re shifting back to the shot gun. David was going to take it apart and stow the pieces separately.

I pointed out a way more efficient way to pack it while still keeping it in the security of it’s case. Now there’s knowledge that I probably won’t need any time soon.

2. Even though it was her birthday Susan and I had words on the phone and  we started yelling at each other. She even sent me an email with capital letters in it.

When we hung up I called Julie knowing she would side with me that Susan was an unreasonable bitch but much to my surprised I was greeted with silence.

“You and Sue were both cranky and you had the kind of fight you always have” That’s as close as she could get to saying that it was my fault .

3. The fight was about me not wanting to go to a restaurant that wasn’t in a one block radius of my house. I called Susan “What’s the address and what time?” Crow eaten

4. Susan’s party was terrific. David came with me.  He’s spending the next few weeks bidding adieux to everyone. He’s being unusually nice much of the time too. But not all the time.

My drinks of choice are either vodka and club soda with olives or a wine spritzer with grapes.

Now what’s the point of putting tasty things in your drinks if you can’t refresh your palate with them during the drink?

Well Mr. Amy Vanderbilt takes issue with that. He rolls his eyes every time I reach into my cocktail to delicately pull out a morsel.

“That’s disgusting!”

“It’s my fingers and my drink”

“Now your fingers are all wet”

“No they aren’t. I wiped them on the cushion. Jeez”

This went back and forth for awhile until I finally said “Look, you’ll be gone in a few weeks. You won’t change me in that short time and even if you could there’s nothing in it for me. After you left I’d just be sitting here alone wishing I could think of a way to get my grapes out of my wine.

I want to mention that David wrote such a lovely comment on my last blog. He doesn’t show that side of him very often but in reading it you can see why I  love him and will miss him terribly.

He refers to me as the Field Marshal of his move. I didn’t have total control. He absolutely rejected my suggestion of “Shleppers” as his moving company.


893. Life Just Won’t Be The Same

I know I haven’t written in awhile. I’ve been busy.

My good friend David got a new job and he’s moving to Houston Texas.

Even though he is truly the worst person I’ve ever met, I will miss him. But my loss is Houston’s, not to mention, New York’s gain.

He’s absolutely thrilled to be returning to Texas (If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you must know that he’s not from around here.)

He’ll fit in just right. That’s a place where using a racial slur has no more impact than asking someone to “pass the salt”.

I’ve spent the past few weeks helping him pack his books, dishes and weapons.

I’ve also been helping him find a place to live. He went down there a few weeks ago and came back with nothing so I decided to go on the internet and call a few brokers for him.

I reached this guy Bill, a good old boy who when I told him what I (or David) was looking for kept saying “Doable” but for some reason he insisted on talking to David himself so I walked over to David’s and put the call on speaker phone.

Instead of being grateful the fact that I called without asking him irritated the shit out of him. In spite of that he  got on the phone.

David “I’m calling from the People’s Republic of New York. That’s my Jewish neighbor.”

Bill “Well she sounded real nice”

David “So here’s what I want”and then he listed the number of rooms, outside space etc “I’m thinking I’ll want to put my gun safe  in the third bedroom”

Me ” Did you hear that Bill? Do you really want a guy with a gun safe moving into your neighborhood?”

Bill ” Well you know the Governor just passed a law that you can bring guns into college. And”( because Texas is so cautious)” you only need a permit if your weapon is concealed.”

David will do just fine there. Anyway he did find a beautiful apartment.

One of the packing problems for him is the stuffed chicken he murdered. I think it’s a chicken. It could be a pelican.


I can see why he wants to bring it to his new place. He’ll want to impress those good ol’ boys with his prowess.

He clearly risked his life going against that big bird. He’s huge. Even without the branch he’s on he’s almost as big as that bottle of scotch. And did you see that beak? David could have lost a nail or an eyebrow in that fight.

He won’t be leaving right away and he says he’ll be back in New York quite a bit. He promised that when he visits he’ll be sure to see me. He added that that was only if everyone else he knew was busy but I’m sure he was only kidding. Wasn’t he?

I’m not sad yet because I’m looking forward to him getting down to his fancy new apartment and seeing the box marked “Sex Toys”