Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t written about David in a long time.

When trump became president I could no longer be the exasperated friend  when he’d spout his racial, gender and religious slurs, his hatred for Obama and his love of guns.

Now I know you are saying to yourself “Why would she be friends with him to begin with?”

Let me try to answer that.

1. Location location location: He lived down the hall.
2. Has very much to do with #1. Because he lived down the hall and was engaged to one of my closest friends, Lizzy, he was around when my marriage broke up and he was very very good to me.
3. When Liz and David broke up and she spent most of her time in Santa Fe, David and I became very close. We were both a comfort to each other.
4. He’s not like anyone I’ve ever known. Let’s say it was like being friends with a snake.You hate to watch him eat mice but he keeps you  company while you watch TV.

Now he isn’t all bad. He doesn’t give a shit who marries who. He would like to keep guns out of the hands of some people and he thought trump was nuts. So nuts in fact that he voted for Hillary.

When David moved to Houston we kept in touch pretty regularly. We’d have a cocktail on the phone several times a week.

That is until the election.

David has made most of his money in oil and coal at least that’s what I think. I never much listened. If it benefited the oil industry I presume he’d poison the water that was given to sick puppies. Again, that’s just what I guess.

Under the comfort of President Obama I could laugh at him and fight with him on these calls and we’d hang up as friends.

The situation is different now. I’m really scared. When David said he was thrilled with shithead’s cabinet I couldn’t just call him an idiot and leave it at that.

I don’t have President Obama to protect me, children, the air, the water, health care, social security, illegal and even legal aliens or my country as I always knew it.

So our phone calls became fewer and shorter because the second he said anything I didn’t like I became the liberal trump. I didn’t try to refute it with logic I just hung up.

Now there is a new wrinkle in our relationship.

David tells me he is dating a woman who’s a liberal.

“How can she stand you?”

“I’m very careful when I speak. Although I did say wetback the other day and she was furious. But I’ve changed”

He sent me a photo:

“All I can say is don’t get too attached to her. You think that hat is a Trojan Horse that will get you in her pants but I know you very well and there is no way you can hide who you are and as you know you a terrible person”

David actually sent me 2 photos to, I guess, show me how he’s changed and I put them both in this post. I removed the second one after I looked at  it carefully.

Maybe I’ll put it back in so you can see what offended me in it.

Yep. He’s wearing a gun.

Why? Because Ray woke up dancing and I had a good day yesterday.

Here’s a picture of Ray during his romp.

Doesn’t he look cheerful?

Now to my good day. Julie had jury duty.

What does that have to do with me?  Well you know how my family feels about food.

Julie told me that she had a bad lunch on her first day so I told her that I would meet her on her second day and take her someplace good.

It turned out that she was let go for good at lunch time so we had the afternoon to ourselves.

Why was she let go? Because she was too beautiful to sit on a jury, at least that was what we surmised.

Actually even though she was more than willing to serve she had to admit she was glad that she didn’t have to because the judge pronounced the word “proof” as “pruff” and she couldn’t abide by that.

Since I had my car we went uptown a bit to eat at a restaurant called The Clam.

We sat down and Julie showed me her galley (sp?) for her new book “The Stars In Our Eyes”, a laugh riot if there ever was one.

I don’t want to brag but I was #31 on the list of people she thanked in the back. I had tears in my eyes when I saw what she wrote about me.

We had a few words with the couple sitting next to us who it turned out worked for an airplane travel magazine. As you all know I am a prize winning travel writer and I couldn’t have been more excited. All for naught though because the guy went to the bathroom and had obviously googled Julie while dropping a duece and when he came out he was absolutely drooling over her.

I kept trying to interject but I could have been a talking lox for all he cared.

Anyway It was the best lunch I ever had in the nicest restaurant with the loveliest staff which was the important thing.

Back to my family and food.

We got back in the car and as we frequently do we spoke to my sister, Julie’s mother, Marcia, and told her about our day.

No sooner had I dropped Julie off at home when Marcia called me back.

“I was happy to hear about your great lunch. Guess what we’re having for dinner?”

“What?”

“I don’t know. Paul found something in the back of the freezer so we decided to defrost it and have it for dinner.”

“What?”

“Paul says it’s probably good or we wouldn’t have frozen it”

I actually wasn’t surprised by this. My brother in law is committed to saving the earth and using every bit of it as fully as possible.

I remember one time we were all eating salad and Paul went around the table cutting up chives that he had just picked from his garden in each of our bowls. Julie mumbled under her breath

“I just saw the dogs peeing on those chives.”

Since I let my dog kiss me on the mouth I dug in anyway.

Now that i think of it, that’s not really the same thing. Oh well, what’s done is done.

Back the the frozen dinner. Marcia called me after she ate.

“What was it?” I asked

“I’m not sure. I’m almost positive that it had zucchini in it. It was good though”

“Can you hone it down to a food group?”

“Not sure”

“Was there meat in it?”

“No, I figure that I must have served it with chicken cutlets and people filled up on that so this was left over”

“Well that’s good, Poirot. Even though you can’t say what it was you’ve not only limited it to a side dish but built a whole imaginary meal around it. Good going”

I told you. My family really likes their food.

I spoke to Marcia this morning. She’s alive.

You haven’t been hearing from me lately because I’m in such a funk over the political situation I just can’t bring myself to write.

That fucker doesn’t even give me a minute to pull myself together.

Today they eliminated a law keeping nuts from buying guns? Now how do they justify that?

STOP IT MATTIE!

My blog is supposed to lift people up even when I’m down.

So now I’m going to write about the constructive things I’ve been doing and will do during this situation. Everything will be noted in a positive tone.

I’m seeing my family.

A few weeks ago my little niece and her boyfriend came to visit. Here they are.

Now I could be writing about how young, good-looking and in love they are while I am alone and have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel but no.

Instead I will say that I used this time with them by sharing some of my wisdom. I gave them numerous lectures on abstention and if they ignore that I listed, with diagrams, the terrible diseases one can get from having sex willy nilly.

When they mentioned that they do drink beer at college I took my niece aside and advised  her of my time honored rule to only drink enough to get a buzz but not so much that you take out your tits, something that I learned the hard way which resulted in my no longer being allowed in any Olive Garden east of Newark.

And just this morning I got a call from AARP and Senator Schumer telling me that the Senator is truly worried that the republicans will alter Medicare so that I will have to use all my money for my crazy pills and whatever doomsday illness I will probably get.

Did I let that get me down?

Well to be honest for a while it did but my “can do” attitude jumped to the forefront.

I climbed out from under my bed and immediate drew up a list of requests I’d put on my “Go Fund Me” page.

1. My Chanel lipsticks cost about $39 a piece. And they don’t last that long.

You may think this is not a necessity but I feel I have to look attractive in order to try and find another meal ticket since my last one ran away to Japan.

2. Oh yeah I’m also going to need some cash for one of those ‘swinging singles’ get togethers. You know they don’t offer open bars at those things. Not a lot of cash. Remember my drinking rule, enough for a buzz.

I’m going to keep working on this list. I’ll let you know how it progresses.

You guys keep an eye out for it when it’s finished and don’t be chinzy when you donate.

And if any of you have an uncle or a grandfather with some moola, keep me in mind. It will help if the old guy is either blind or has sleep apnea.

The crap I have to put on my nose at bedtime isn’t for everyone.