892. The Inside Girl

I remember visiting my grandmother, well she wasn’t my real grandmother, she was married to my grandfather and then he died and she was all alone.

I was always trying to be kind. I was in my late teens.I took her sisters to visit her when she was in a home way out in long island. It was over  2 hours away.

I had a lark studebaker. It was a small car and these two old women insisted on sitting in the front seat and they both smoked.

At first I was sorry I made the effort but when I saw them all together it was looking at me and my sisters. They were laughing and they saw each other as they were when they were young. My grandmother was the pretty one etc etc.

It brought to mind the time I visited my grandmother while she still lived in the Bronx. She was showing me her clothes.

“See?” she said “I don’t have any dark colors. Inside I’m the same as I’ve always been”.

She was lucky. She still saw the inside girl. But I”m afraid that it’s disappearing from my image of myself.

We all laughed at the chicken incident but it scared me to my core. And I know it scared Stephanie because she loves me and she was scared that I was losing it.

No matter how much I went over it I couldn’t imagine what happened to that chicken. I was so sure I put it back. But I don’t trust myself any more.

After the mystery was solved I breathed a sigh of relief.

not yet.

But that cunt Donna can kiss my ass for bringing it that much closer.

Oh and another thing. When I visited my grandmother in the home she told me that they took the picture of my grandfather away because it made her sad.

I went to the dresser and got the picture and gave it to her.

A person should be allowed to grieve.

891. Mystery Solved

I called Stephanie this morning.

“Still no chicken?”


From the background Donna “Oh I found the chicken”

muffled conversation and Steph says “I’ll let Donna tell you.”

“When I looked at the chicken that was in Steph’s refrigerator I thought it was the chicken I bought but when I got home I found my chicken in my refrigerator.”

Here’s a list of who I hate.



Steph’s dog Lucy who sat on Ray’s head.

Thank you

890. A Mystery

Yesterday I did a good deed and as they say all good deeds yadda yadda yadda

My niece Stephanie was going on an overnight bike ride. Her friend Donna was staying at her house and minding the animals. But Donna was not leaving work until 4 so she wouldn’t be at Steph’s house until 4:45.

Steph asked me to be at  her house early in the morning. Not to feed the dogs, no, but to keep them company.

Here is why I am a saint. I live an hour and a half from Steph but did I say okay? Yes I did. Not only because I love Stephanie beyond belief but because I too am crazy and would want someone to keep Ray company when I am away (Hi Dan and Scott).

So I get there at 10 something and Steph and Terry hadn’t even left. I spend the day with the dogs while watching Ray pretend that Steph’s d0gs aren’t there.

I don’t really blame him since the last time we stayed there they treated him with no respect at all.

disrespectSteph said I only had to stay until 2. I stayed until 3 after giving her dogs lunch. The lunch was a roast chicken that was in the refrigerator.  I only gave them a little because it was after all, only lunch.

On my way home Donna called and asked if I had fed the dogs. I said I only gave them a little of the chicken that was in the refrigerator so she could feed them more.

I know this seems boring and it would be EXCEPT…… I got accused.

I just got a call from Stephanie.

“What did you do with the chicken?”

“I put it back in the icebox”.

“Donna says it wasn’t there She had to buy another chicken”

“That’s crazy” but then I started thinking…. I forget a lot of stuff now.


Let me leave it to you people to figure this out. Here are the clues.

  1. I did give the dogs some chicken.
  2. I remember putting the top back on the chicken and putting it in the refrigerator.
  3. My conclusion: The worst I could have done is to leave the chicken on the counter.  Stephanie claims she looked in the freezer and in the microwave and in the garbage and in all the drawers because she knows I’m dotty.
  4. The only thing I can imagine is that Donna is a fucking jew hating liar who is framing me so my family puts me in a home and gets a power of attorney to take my money and kill me.

Thank you for your patience.

889. On becoming a woman, an old woman.

Someone I knew mentioned that they think they may be peri-menopausal.

I will keep this vague because I am a loyal friend/relative so I’ll only refer this person as he/she.

I know he/she was mentioning this to me in order to give them the information they need i.e. what are the symptoms? Is it something I should dread? How did you deal with it?

I was in a bind. I love he/she and I wanted to help but my particular experience was horrendous. It could be because I was quitting smoking at the same time that I was going through “the change”.

I remember going out to dinner with my sister Iris and my husband dave during that time.

Iris loved to go to a restaurant with dave. First of all because he’d encourage her to order anything she might want and secondly because they both loved to drink.

One time in Montauk he and she (not he/she) had a contest to see who could make the most delicious margarita. They used melons, peaches and anything they could find. I think the bean margarita won but that’s only because they were so drunk that they no longer could taste anything.

I digress. Back to the dinner with Iris and dave. I wasn’t a real drinker then and the two of them were laughing and encouraging me to join in .

All I felt was rage. I wanted to kill them both. I finally just got up and went home leaving those two to their hysterical partying.

Anyone who’s gone through it knows that menopause symptoms always include being hot and then cold so you are in bed throwing the covers on and off all night.

But with the not smoking thing added to it instead of covers on,  covers off , mine was knife out, knife sheathed, knife out knife sheathed.

I couldn’t tell he/she anything since my experience was not the norm. I made up stuff like, you just become more generous and polite.

Oh yes and you may wanna be packing.

888. Wanted: A new friend

The time I spend with David is getting shorter and shorter.

We can be having a good conversation and he says something so heinous that I have to grab my dog (which isn’t always easy because he looooves David) and I leave.

Why just this morning we were sitting on his terrace really having a nice talk and I was thinking “This is why we’re friends”.

Then we get on the subject of Donald Trump and his insinuation that Megyn Kelly was “on the rag” .David laughs hysterically and says “He was right, Megyn Kelly was a bitch”.

I started to say”Because she called him out on his treatment of women who cross him?” but I realized there was no point.

I just stood up in a huff and said “C’mon Ray, we’re leaving”.

Naturally the little fucker stood there so I just walked out without him.

“You’d better take him or I’ll leave him in the hall” which he did a few minutes later. Luckily I left my door open so Ray came home.

You might think I’m a little thin skinned but before I actually made my exit he had already said the following.

“When I get to Texas next I’m going to do some hunting.”

“I would have been a good nazi but why stop at the Jews. What about Catholics and I’m not nuts about Lutherans.”

“In Germany the Jews did all the banking which is why the Germans blamed them for the fall of the economy” when I objected to his saying “That may or may not have been true” he said “If you ever read anything but mysteries and People you’d know something about European history.”

Now I know what you’re all saying.

Mattie, you’re so kind and beautiful and you know how to make black clothes look very “Now”. How can  you be friends with such a guy?

Here’s my answer PROXIMITY.

I’ve actually been friends with every person that lived in that apartment.

If he and Liz ever move out and the head of the Klan moves in, I give it a month and we’ll be playing mah jong together.


887. I criticize but I love

My sister Marcia and I went to a funeral for my cousin Maxine’s  husband Irv yesterday.

It was sad because everybody was sad but it was also happy because Irv had made such an imprint on his family that you know that though he will always be missed he will only be thought of with love and affection.

I didn’t know him well. To me he was a warm funny guy that I saw at family gatherings. I liked him for that and because he made my cousin Mac very happy.

But the people who spoke at the funeral, his step children, grandchildren and his brother in law spoke of a man who lived life to the fullest. He not only played the violin and he flew a plane but he clearly spent the time and trouble becoming close to the people he loved.

I’m saying all this first of all because it’s true, and secondly because I don’t want what I have to say to say next to seem in any way disrespectful.

My cousin Barbara, Maxine’s sister, had one fucking job and that was to tell the people who were coming to the funeral when and where it was. Did she do that? You be the judge.

Now this is not a stupid woman. She is actually the one who wrote the line “In space no one can hear you scream”.

Yet she sent an email to Marcia that the funeral began at 11 o’clock and she named the cemetery.

We were there at 10:30.  People started to gather at around a 10:45.  There was a pretty big crowd.

We didn’t see anyone we knew and believe me that puzzled us.

Marcia questioned this but I reassured her that we hadn’t seen most of them in quite awhile so who knew how they’d changed and anyone familiar was probably at the gravesite.

So we followed along and standing at the back of the crowd straining our necks to come upon someone we knew we just got into the swing of things and tried to hear the rabbi speaking.

My sister who cries at the cutting of a cheese cake was sobbing her head off.

It wasn’t until we heard the Rabbi referring to “Howard” (who it turns out was quite a guy) that we figured it out and ran back to the office to find out where Irv and the family were.

It seems that the 11 o’clock that Barbara spoke of was at a funeral parlor a mile away.

Our ritual at this particular cemetery was at 11:45.

I wasn’t that upset because I felt that we gave Howard “Heshie” Greenberg a nice send off what with Marcia crying and all.

Speaking of Marcia, when she comes to my house I’m so happy.

She’s known as the “sweet one” in the family yet she can have a biting tongue.

I’ve told you that my dog loves visitors.

He does his best to welcome them but some people don’t appreciate his kindness.

When she woke up in the morning I asked how she slept.

“I could have slept better if I didn’t have a “hot bagel” in my bed.”

I knew who she meant but I pretended I didn’t. I just went about my business serving a gourmet breakfast.

“It wouldn’t be bad in the winter”.

Still I said nothing.

“He should get a job with the FBI. He’s so tenacious.”

I’m nothing if not a gracious hostess but I was pushed to my limit.

“Coffee Fuckface?”


886. Maybe I’m just too great for any one man.

Remember when I was complaining about not renting my house even though I joined Airbnb?

Well that’s because I never finished filling out the application. This is the kind of thing I’m doing more and more. Fortunately my niece Laura did it for me and requests are coming out of the woodwork.

Yep another thing I’ve got aced.

It’s really hard though. It’s like a full time job and you know I don’t  like that.

I have to let strangers sleep in my bed and pee in my toilet based primarily on how they look and let me tell you the pictures the young guys send are not them jerking off which is probably what they’ll be doing.  Most of them send their prom pictures.

And it’s not like I didn’t have to change myself to lure them in. I had a fabulous painting that my nephew Otis painted for me of a naked couple sitting on a couch with tan lines, the couple not the couch.

My friend Susan took it down and put it in the closet so as not to offend potentials.

I shouldn’t complain. I’m sure other hoteliers have to do the same thing, right Donald?

Ray has let me know that he doesn’t like dog food.

He prefers to eat what and when I eat.  This morning we had poached eggs on toast.

Later on my sister Marcia is coming and we’ll go to Costco before dinner. I noticed that Ray really likes fish so I’ll get some canned salmon.

It’s funny I shop around to find dog food that’s 10 cents cheaper and now I’m buying  him $5 salmon.

I’ve always  been a sucker for my dogs. When I was first married I remember making my dog Norman chicken and giving dave a grilled cheese sandwich.

One of the things this blog is bringing home to me is not the realization of why dave left me but why he stayed so long.