282. I will spend today putting on the dog for tonight’s dinner

Well I didn’t win the lottery. Not the big money anyway. I haven’t checked on the smaller wins but I’m no longer feeling positive. At least not about that.

I am feeling positive about tonight’s dinner though.

We are going out with Liz’s dad to a fancy restaurant.

As I’ve said, aside from being a major philanthropist, her dad is a real big time plastic surgeon.

In fact proof that he’s New York’s version of Tom Cruise is that when he and Liz went to the museum yesterday, one of the volunteers recognized his name and almost plotzed.

Another  important plastic surgeon will be joining us for dinner. Liz says I can’t talk to him or sit near him.


I don’t understand why. I”m always on my best behavior when I’m around her father.

Sure there was one little lapse when we were sitting around the table in Santa Fe and Nan’s friend Arlene mentioned that she didn’t kiss her husband until they dated for over a month.

That shocked me so much that I let go of my hold on being sweet and mentioned that I found that hard to believe since I was a real slut when I was young.

There was a brief silence and then everyone went back to talking about muffins or whatever the hell the fancy people like to talk about.

But I learned my lesson. As long as I keep it to one drink the most I’ll say to this guy is “Howdy do”.

Any more and it’s anyone’s game.

281.Can rich girls wear spats or is that too Scrooge McDuck?

Miss Liz and her dad are in town for some medical symposium.

Yesterday I got a chance to be high falutin’. Lizzie picked me up in a limo and took me to lunch at Saks.

That kind of life takes some getting used to. Every time we hit traffic I wanted to jump out of the car to save the meter charges.

I didn’t check my lottery tickets yet but I’m thinking I’d better get comfortable with that kind of travel.  I’m  not sure I won but I have a good feeling. Let’s just say that by tomorrow my butler will be writing my blog for me.


I sent the divorce papers to dave and he said he’d send them back immediately. Man, that guy can’t get rid of me fast enough.

It’s kind of freeing. Whenever I get sad I realize that I have no choice and it passes. The moving on thing has made me feel better.

I have a good day planned. I’m going with Julie for her to sign some copies of her new book “Friendkeeping” .   After that we’ll have lunch.

Most of my days are good now. I have loads of my family coming to visit me and good friends to do stuff with.

David insists that my family has no interest in seeing me. They only come here for a free place to stay in NYC.

I know that’s his black heart speaking and I forgive him.

280 ‘Tis the season to be stupid

Yesterday I spent the whole morning redoing the medical insurance for me and dave so it will be cheaper and more efficient for both of us.

I know I said I’m moving on, and I am but I have to pack first.

The rest of the day was spent helping David decorate his Christmas tree in preparation for Miss Liz’s home coming last night. He wanted the place to look festive.

It sounds all warm and fuzzy doesn’t it?

And it would be if you didn’t look too closely at the decorations.

True there were a few sweet things for when his sons were little and he practically teared up when he looked at them. But before you go all “awww” on me let me tell you about the rest of it.

It’s mostly sports figures, which is okay, but his favorites are the ones who didn’t exactly embrace the role model thing.

Near the top of the tree he put Michael Vick and some others that I don’t know who they were but he was regaling me with their misdeeds.

He was really sad that he wasn’t able to get a figure of the guy who shot himself in the leg and went to jail or the guy who has something like 15 kids with different mothers, many of them the same age.

And here’s the topper. The lights are green and red shotgun shells.


Falalalala Lalalala

279. I found a rose in the crap.

Yesterday was a strange day.

I was visiting Stephanie when I received an email from dave saying  how sorry he was for hurting me again. That pained me all over again.

Obviously he had read my blog. I didn’t like thinking that because I don’t want to consider his reaction to anything I write.

When I got home I wrote a post which was an open letter to dave to stop reading my writings because nothing in it was for him. No news of me or family or friends that he left behind.


It was entitled “If dave were here he’d protect me from dave”

Thank goodness I remembered what I always tell Stephanie, live with any strong letter before you mail it and I decided not to publish it until this morning.

When I woke up today I trashed it for being too pathetic.

Last night I got my divorce papers. I almost threw up. I forwarded them to dave and went to bed.

I thought the worst of this was over but it clearly wasn’t. I finally had to take one of my big time crazy pills in order to fall asleep.

I woke up this morning and read a comment from someone who reads my blog named Paula but who the world thinks of as VanillaBeanBake and she said something that resonated.

“No matter how long it takes to settle everything and have a divorce granted, the finality of it all can still hit you like a ton of bricks”


This wasn’t a setback. It was a normal reaction to what was happening to me. I felt so much better.

Then the phone rang. It was Captain Hugh. He said he knows I wouldn’t let him down but he wanted to make sure that I sent him the money I told him I was going to send before he sent his nephew to pick him up.

Usually these conversations are very short but today we spoke for awhile. He told me how much that money helped him and I reminded him that he was so kind and protective of us all those years ago and I would never forget it. It was just his good coming back to him.

I don’t know why but I feel very happy. There are plenty of people in my life that nurture me . And I’m proud of myself for whatever dignity I’ve been able to keep through this whole thing.

So dave, read the blog, don’t read the blog. I couldn’t care less. I’m movin’ on.

278. Oh Woe is her

Today may just be a good day.

I”m going up to see Steph’s new puppy. I hope he’s cute.

Last night David, my niece Laura’s boy, Scott and I went out to dinner.

Scott has been staying with me on and off for the past few weeks waiting to move into his new apartment.

He is without doubt the best kid I ever met. He cleans, he insists on taking me out to dinner and does a million little things to make my life easier.

He does make me feel a little old though. We were watching TV and I said “I’m going to get myself a banana. Do you want one?”

He immediately jumped up and got me a banana. I realized then that he must see me as pretty feeble.


Ah maybe I am.

I figure loaning me this kid is Laura’s way of repaying me for stopping the carnival ride when she was crying and cutting her nails without hurting her (my sister did it too fast) and putting mustard on every inch of the bread on her bologna sandwich.

I guess she decided to overlook the making her cry because she wasn’t taller than Stephanie thing. And even though I’ve gotten a load of criticism about that it wasn’t my fault. The girl cried at the drop of a hat.

By the way, after reading  David’s comments on my last blog Liz sent him the following email:


This time your email address appears!! Next time , somehow you will manage to put our home address and phone number.

Poor Liz, she keeps hoping that no one who reads my blog will know that the David I write about is the person she’s chosen to spend her life with.

277. Real crap and psychological crap

This was the most different Thanksgiving I’ve had in years.

Julie, her husband and daughter took me out to a fancy fancy dinner . It was wonderful.

The next day Julie and I had to drive up to Marcia’s house to pick up Julie’s dogs. They were supposed to be brought back to the City by Marcia and Paul on Thanksgiving eve but since they didn’t come we had to go get them.

For some reason they were no longer welcome. Since Marcia couldn’t walk them they made do in whatever way they could.

I for one can’t imagine why someone would put oriental rugs and hardwood floors above the happiness of 3 sweet and , may I say, “regular” puppies.

Anyway it’s always great to see my sister and brother in law so the 5 hour drive each way was more than worth it.

The drive up was fun because Julie and I could talk and talk.

The drive home the next day wasn’t as good..

One reason was that Julie keeps her dog Bea on her lap with Bea’s ass, a farting machine, aimed at me, the driver.

I kept asking Julie to turn her around but she refused because “Bea likes to face the window”.

The other reason was that dave sent me an email saying simply “Nu?” during the ride.

This is Yiddish for “What’s doing?”.

I’m assuming he meant with the papers for the pension or a million other details that I’m responsible for .

A week or two ago when my lawyer said I’d be divorced soon and that the pension would be separated after some details were ironed out I have to admit I was shocked.

I knew that a divorce was coming but hearing the word floored me. I just figured it would be a separation I guess, which is stupid.

Anyway the email upset me so much that I asked Julie to erase it so I wouldn’t have to see it. He usually writes me in a very business like manner. The playfulness of this made me want to throw up.

That night I had a dream that he hated me and his new album had a picture of his girlfriend and their newborn son on it. She was even holding a puppy.

Time to up the crazy pills.

276 Dear Satan, Even tho my friend will end up living with you , remember he was a good father.

Thanksgiving day.

First call, Captain Hugh.

“How ya doing, Captain?”

“Not so good, Mattie.  I was 80 on my last birthday”

“We’re getting old, Captain”

“You’re gettin’, I’m got”

Tonight Julie and Paul are taking me to a fancy restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t having the whole family for this holiday.

Steph said I should wear a wrist corsage and comb my hair nice.

Last night David sent me the “cocktails?” email and I shot over.

The holiday must have softened him because he asked me twice to join him and his son for dinner. Unfortunately I had to decline because I had my mind set on wonton soup.

Anyway while I was helping him polish off a fabulous bottle of wine he had to take a few phone calls . I love to listen in on his business calls. He throws around millions of dollars like they’re farfels. He frequently peppers his conversations with stuff like “If they can’t come up 3 million, fuck’em”

I think I told you that after the election David decided to become a Democrat because he wants free stuff . But he insists that he is “clinging” to his guns (he always puts in the air quotes because apparently President Obama used that term) since “society as we know it will surely crumble”.

We were just sitting there chatting when he said  “I met an  interesting guy last night”

It seems he was at the bar at “Smith and Wollensky” a nearby steak house, and he struck up a conversation with a couple also having drinks.

“This guy worked for Blackwater. He was a marine sniper who had joined the Navy Seals. We were talking for about an hour and a half and he took out his iphone and showed me photos of some of his kills”

“WHAT?” he finally even shocked me.

“Yeah they were really something. It looked like one guy had the top of his head blown off”

“David, this guy wasn’t sane. What kind of Navy Seal would show pictures like this to someone he meets in a restaurant? If he was any kind of Seal he has obviously gone over the mental patient cliff.”

“They were nice athletic looking people. I’m sure they were Republicans”

“I’m sure you’re right.”

I just hope that dope didn’t give that nut his home address.

275. Thanksgiving? Humbug!

It seems that my Thanksgiving has hit a wall.

My sister Marcia hurt her knee really badly so she can’t come.

When Stephanie heard that Marcia isn’t coming she said she’s not driving through all that traffic just to look at me and Julie, people she can see any time so she’s out.

The others have already said they aren’t coming because of bronchitis, Disney World, first Thanksgiving in new house and a variety of other reasons.

So it looks like it’s just me, Julie, Paul and Violet.

So I’ll make a little turkey con trimmings (I speak very little english now) that we can wash down with vats of wine.

If you think Violet was pissed before, don’t ask.

274. For some strange reason the good Lord decided not to give me any children

Yitzhak left for Israel last night not really knowing what he’d find.

He’s brave. I know I wouldn’t be so philosophical about the whole thing. I’d be crying and hiding under my bed. Luckily the whole world isn’t made up of people like me.

Hey maybe it isn’t so lucky. I never even punched anyone. The world might be better off if everyone was scared to fight.

Anyway back to me.

I’m getting ready to host the family for Thanksgiving. One by one they’re dropping out though. It may end up being a small family dinner rather than the hoards that usually come each year.

That’s not so bad for me but Violet, Julie’s girl, will bust a gut.

She looooves her cousins who aren’t coming and couldn’t care less about any of the grown ups.  Julie was not looking forward to telling her so Gail, @thetoughcookie suggested I tell her. Now this woman has met me so I was a bit puzzled by this but then I figured that my sweetness shined through and maybe she was right.

I decided to break the news via a knock knock joke.

I”m much nicer to kids than I used to be.

I remember lying on my sister Iris’ bed when her two youngest daughters Stephanie and Laura came in. Steph was about 9 and Laura was 7ish.

I had a little time on my hands so for the goof I said I would give a dollar to whoever is taller.

Laura’s mouth flew open at the injustice of it. “I’m the tallest one in my class”

“I’m not giving a buck to the tallest in their class”

Her little eyes welled up with tears. “But but she’s 2 years older than I am”

“Well eat your veggies and maybe by next year you’ll grow taller than her and you’ll be able to win the dollar. Of course next year I may give a dollar to whoever is shortest.”

I’m much nicer now.

Now let’s see “knock knock. Who’s going to have a real shitty Thanksgiving?”

273. Life and death and death and life

My nephew is here from Israel.

News is coming in constantly about the missiles going deep into his country.

This morning I read that 4 missiles hit Ashdod, the town he lives in. that is where the majority of his family is now.  The phone calls back and forth from his wife and children are chilling.

He’s in Brooklyn for the Sabbath so I won’t be able to speak to him until tonight but yesterday I looked at him and he appeared calm. I asked him “Are you terrified?”

He shrugged and said “Obviously I’m concerned but we’ve lived like this for so long so…..”

Nothing I write here can describe what’s going on in the Middle East so I won’t even try. I’ll just go on and write about the drivel that is my life.

Eric, or Yitzhak as he’s been known for over 30 years, is here to visit his mother’s grave. He comes every year at this time.

We went very early yesterday morning because he had to get to Brooklyn for Shabbas.

On the way up I explained to him that even though I don’t believe that my sister Phyllis is really there I will accompany him and maybe say a few words to her. He just smiled. He is very sure of his religion and loves me even though I’m a heathen.

We arrived at the cemetery and started looking for the stone plaque over my sister’s grave. We both thought we knew where it was and we started walking up and down the aisles in totally separate areas.

We couldn’t find her anywhere. We were searching for easily 40 minutes. I was just about to suggest we give up and leave a message with Sylvia Goldfarb, b.1933  d. 2005, a woman close to my sister’s age,  to give to her when she sees her when Eric calls to me and says he found her grave under a big pile of leaves.

We push aside the leaves and while Eric goes to get some water so we can wash off the stone, I decide to say a few words to Phyllis.

Before I know it I’m sobbing and telling her how much I miss her and how much easier this year would have been if she had been here.

Yitzhak came back, put his arms around me, said his prayers and then carefully washed off his mother’s gravestone.