279. I found a rose in the crap.

Yesterday was a strange day.

I was visiting Stephanie when I received an email from dave saying  how sorry he was for hurting me again. That pained me all over again.

Obviously he had read my blog. I didn’t like thinking that because I don’t want to consider his reaction to anything I write.

When I got home I wrote a post which was an open letter to dave to stop reading my writings because nothing in it was for him. No news of me or family or friends that he left behind.

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It was entitled “If dave were here he’d protect me from dave”

Thank goodness I remembered what I always tell Stephanie, live with any strong letter before you mail it and I decided not to publish it until this morning.

When I woke up today I trashed it for being too pathetic.

Last night I got my divorce papers. I almost threw up. I forwarded them to dave and went to bed.

I thought the worst of this was over but it clearly wasn’t. I finally had to take one of my big time crazy pills in order to fall asleep.

I woke up this morning and read a comment from someone who reads my blog named Paula but who the world thinks of as VanillaBeanBake and she said something that resonated.

“No matter how long it takes to settle everything and have a divorce granted, the finality of it all can still hit you like a ton of bricks”

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This wasn’t a setback. It was a normal reaction to what was happening to me. I felt so much better.

Then the phone rang. It was Captain Hugh. He said he knows I wouldn’t let him down but he wanted to make sure that I sent him the money I told him I was going to send before he sent his nephew to pick him up.

Usually these conversations are very short but today we spoke for awhile. He told me how much that money helped him and I reminded him that he was so kind and protective of us all those years ago and I would never forget it. It was just his good coming back to him.

I don’t know why but I feel very happy. There are plenty of people in my life that nurture me . And I’m proud of myself for whatever dignity I’ve been able to keep through this whole thing.

So dave, read the blog, don’t read the blog. I couldn’t care less. I’m movin’ on.

12 thoughts on “279. I found a rose in the crap.

  1. Paula is the wisest woman. And you, you’ll get through this. Focus on the cookies you’ll be eating on Sunday. You know, the ones we’re dunking in cocktails.

  2. I read that post I commented on last night so many times before writing what I did. I just wanted in some way, to let you know that what you were feeling was very normal and also, that it wouldn’t last for long. I’m so happy to read your post today to see that you are happy. Part of that comes from realizing that you are a very strong woman, on your own and in your own right. Gail is right, you will get through this…you ARE getting through this & with your dignity intact. The whole separation, divorce process can take the good right out of you, but it can never take the good that is you.
    Now, start planning what you’ll wear on Sunday. Maybe a splash of vibrant red…

  3. Paula is the most wonderful person ever. She has made us all feel better by the wisdom she’s shared with us. I’m thinking she must be a lot like Liz’s mom in real life.

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