926. David Update

I know you’re all wondering what’s up with David.

How is he doing now that he and Liz are no longer together?

Is he fitting in well in Houston?

Are we still friends?

Will he ever get to drink any of the thousands of dollars of wine he left in my apartment for safe keeping until he can figure out a way to  get it to Houston ?

I’ll try to answer all your questions in this update.

Much to both our surprise we are still in contact. In fact we have cocktails together on the phone 4 or 5 times a week.

As far as fitting in, he admits that there is more of New York in him than he thought and in Houston  he’s almost a moderate.

He started dating pretty much as soon as he arrived. As he told me on the phone he has strict requirements as to who he’s going to take out.

He says she has to be educated and have some goals in life. She needs to be up to date on politics and history, his strong interests. She needs to be presentable and able to be an asset to him when they go on business dinners.

Just kidding. What he really told me is that she has to be blonde with big tits.

His first kind of date was a young lady he met at the bar of a restaurant, The Palm, near his house. Since she was clearly over the limit of alcohol he very kindly offered to take her back to his house so he could call an uber to take her home because everyone knows that you can’t call an uber from a restaurant.

This girl, according to David, had both of his dating requirements in spades which made him happy but her friend who insisted on coming along did not which made him less happy.

When they got to his house David did what any good samaritan would do with someone who was too drunk to drive, he opened a bottle of wine.

This, not surprisingly, bit him in the ass when the woman ran into the kitchen and threw up in the sink.

That’s when he called the Uber.

When he told me the story I said “You’re lucky she made it to the sink”.

“Well she missed a spot but I didn’t discover that until the next morning.”

In our discussion he let me know that he was no stranger to drunk women. He was once on a date who vomited on him and passed out.

Obviously this wasn’t a deal breaker because when he realized that he had no way to contact her for a second date he went over to her phone and called his own cell phone so he would have her number.

He’s also been seeing a woman that he seems to really like although he thinks she’s way too young for him.

She came over to watch the Super Bowl with him.

Unfortunately she passed out on his couch and when she woke up in the morning she too threw up.


There seems to be a theme in his dating life.

Since I wasn’t there to Jew up his parties, I saw the problem immediately.

“Did you serve her any food?”

“I had guacamole and chips.”

“That’s not food”

“I also had chicken wings but I forgot to serve them. Well that’s not entirely true.After she passed out on the couch I took them out and ate them”

“You’re going to be up to your ass in vomit if you don’t start feeding these women.”

“Note taken”

He says he’s going to take a break from these southern women. He’s going to visit an old girlfriend named Marie who lives in Pennsylvania next weekend. I hope she brings a tuna sandwich on her.

Anyway he’s doing well.

Did I cover everything?

Oh yeah, his expensive wine.

What do you think I’m drinking when we talk on the phone?



925 Still not complaining

BUT whatever illness I had last week I still have.

Every time I swallow it’s like a thousand little men wearing razor blade skates dancing in my throat.

I felt so terrible that the other day that I actually went into one of those walk in clinics. Of course I used my alias, Diandra McAlyss, so if it’s some kind of plague they won’t be able to trace it back to me.

The doctor was first rate. She checked me for strep throat (it was a no) and told me to drink liquids. Something I do every evening on the phone with David.

Even though I’m near death I’ve been walking Ray every morning (I told the doctor that my dog’s name was Duke in case she gets clever in trying to trace me) and then I go home and binge watch “Doc Martin”. I’m on season 5 episode 1.

I think I’m getting better today though. At least I’m clearly getting more alert.

When I got out of bed this morning I looked down and noticed that the glass on my night table had fallen on the floor and broken.

My sharp eye prevented me from stepping on this


Plus when walking Ray, or Duke I avoided a well known Jew trap which is a dime melted into the asphalt of the road so when you try to pick it up you are grabbed and made to balance someone’s check book.

Before my fever broke I’d have fallen for that in a heartbeat.

925. I don’t like to complain but…..

This day is not starting out well.

I have a bad cold. The sinus kind.

On my dog walk I bought 4 oranges from a street vendor, you know for my cold. The guy  threw 2 more oranges in so he wouldn’t have to give me change.

Don’t ask how heavy 6 oranges are when you have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

And to make matters worse Ray wouldn’t make a right so I’m trying to drag him down the street with both arms coming out of the sockets, screaming at him.

“You’re not the boss of me”.

This turned out to be untrue. The little guy has feet like suction cups, so after making 4 lefts I finally aimed us towards h0me.

Yesterday was better. Julie and I went to our shrink. Not the talking one, the mental patient pills one.

She saw us together since she knows we have no secrets and she thinks we’re both a scream.

This puts somewhat of a burden on me. When we were in the elevator I said to Julie “Let’s pretend we don’t recognize her.”

I get a stony stare “You don’t have to work on a “bit”.

I say ok but I think this would go better if we got a few laughs.

I am first because I take less time. This is because I always lie to doctors.

I do this out of respect for their skill. If they’re at all competent I shouldn’t have to give them clues.

I usually talk fast so she’ll just give me my pills and I can let Julie take over but this time she slipped in a recommendation that I try Yoga.

See I told you. No clues yet she was able to determine that I needed “centering”.

I only deal with the best.

Is Yoga the thing where you get to say “Namaste”?

If so I’m in but only if she comes to my house. Ray doesn’t like it when I go out.