I know I haven’t written in awhile. I’ve been busy.

My good friend David got a new job and he’s moving to Houston Texas.

Even though he is truly the worst person I’ve ever met, I will miss him. But my loss is Houston’s, not to mention, New York’s gain.

He’s absolutely thrilled to be returning to Texas (If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you must know that he’s not from around here.)

He’ll fit in just right. That’s a place where using a racial slur has no more impact than asking someone to “pass the salt”.

I’ve spent the past few weeks helping him pack his books, dishes and weapons.

I’ve also been helping him find a place to live. He went down there a few weeks ago and came back with nothing so I decided to go on the internet and call a few brokers for him.

I reached this guy Bill, a good old boy who when I told him what I (or David) was looking for kept saying “Doable” but for some reason he insisted on talking to David himself so I walked over to David’s and put the call on speaker phone.

Instead of being grateful the fact that I called without asking him irritated the shit out of him. In spite of that he  got on the phone.

David “I’m calling from the People’s Republic of New York. That’s my Jewish neighbor.”

Bill “Well she sounded real nice”

David “So here’s what I want”and then he listed the number of rooms, outside space etc “I’m thinking I’ll want to put my gun safe  in the third bedroom”

Me ” Did you hear that Bill? Do you really want a guy with a gun safe moving into your neighborhood?”

Bill ” Well you know the Governor just passed a law that you can bring guns into college. And”( because Texas is so cautious)” you only need a permit if your weapon is concealed.”

David will do just fine there. Anyway he did find a beautiful apartment.

One of the packing problems for him is the stuffed chicken he murdered. I think it’s a chicken. It could be a pelican.

I can see why he wants to bring it to his new place. He’ll want to impress those good ol’ boys with his prowess.

He clearly risked his life going against that big bird. He’s huge. Even without the branch he’s on he’s almost as big as that bottle of scotch. And did you see that beak? David could have lost a nail or an eyebrow in that fight.

He won’t be leaving right away and he says he’ll be back in New York quite a bit. He promised that when he visits he’ll be sure to see me. He added that that was only if everyone else he knew was busy but I’m sure he was only kidding. Wasn’t he?

I’m not sad yet because I’m looking forward to him getting down to his fancy new apartment and seeing the box marked “Sex Toys”