873. I can use my eloquence for good or evil

People over estimate the value of their possessions.

I was in the lobby when my down the hall neighbor asked me if I wanted to buy furniture or other items since she’s moving to another land. I know one of the items was a vacuum because she said it three times.

I wasn’t interested until she mentioned that she had terrace furniture.

Since my nephew Terry fixed up my terrace I’ve become terrace proud and told her I’d come and see it. I figured her back is against the wall and I ought to pick up something nice for about twenty bucks. Sweet huh?

She did have a small settee that had metal arms, a pleasure on a hot summer day and cushions that looked like when she wasn’t using them she kept them up her ass.

She was asking $500.00 for it. When she saw my mouth drop, subtlety thy name ain’t Mattie, she said “It’s a designer item”

This brought to mind when dave and I were apartment hunting just after we were married.

In about the tenth place we looked we were greeted by an unpleasant woman who showed us around this nightmare of an apartment. It was dark and depressing and had a black kitchen, well not totally black, the floor had gold specks in it.

She advised us that if we wanted to move there we’d have to give her the amount she spent to renovate the kitchen in addition to the window treatments.

I guess I was tired because I assured her that if we decided on moving in, money would in fact change hands but in the other direction to pay for getting all that shit out of there.

She threw us out.

dave and I had a big fight because after we left he called and apologized for me.

When I looked at my neighbor’s settee I thought about dave’s argument “What’s the point of saying that? Why do you have to burn your bridges? What if we decide we want that place?”

“It’s lovely. I’ll give it some thought”. She doesn’t have to be told that designer crap is still crap. She should be told but she doesn’t have to be told.

I’m leaving tomorrow for Santa Fe.

You will be surprised to know that even though I am a prize winning travel writer (ahem) I am terrified to fly. I’m shaking in my boots right now.

That’s one thing that’s giving me the screaming meamies.

Another is that I am leaving Ray.

I believe I’ve covered him very well though.

My nephew Scott is staying here. This is a wonderful choice. Whenever Scott minds Ray he sends me a picture of my dog having fun.

Unfortunately Scott has to work on Thursday and Friday.

But listen to this! Julie’s boyfriend and major hunk works near me and he’s coming over and eating his lunch with Ray and playing with him and walking him on those days.

(I’ll see that Julie does something extra special for him for that)

As for the weekend, I’ve bought 3 kinds of vodka so I’m hoping Scott will be too drunk to leave the house.

And to fill in and just help out I’ve asked David to  look in on Ray especially after Scott leaves on Sunday because I won’t be home until midnight.

I’m sure he will. This morning I walked blocks and blocks in the heat to buy him olives that are stuffed with bleu cheese.

I put them on his dining room table with a thoughtful note:


Here are the olives you love. If this isn’t enough for you to look in on Ray then you are a cocksucking fucker.

Love, 18A

12 thoughts on “873. I can use my eloquence for good or evil

  1. Hallmark is thinking about hiring you to write a new line of greeting cards. They’re working on the category name at the moment.
    Do no be afraid of leaving Ray. Sounds like he’ll be wallowing in testosterone and loving it. Do not be afraid of flying. God meant us to fly or he wouldn’t have created the Boeing Corporation.

  2. Thanks for the olives, but as I’m in and out this weekend I really can’t commit on the dog thing. Let me know if I can be helpful on the Hallmark situation. My uncle married Barb Hall, daughter of Hallmark’s founder Joyce Hall. REAL WASPS

  3. With respect to Mattie’s conversation with our smoking hot neighbor lady, I would offer up a suggestion. Remember the scene in Trading Places where after Dan Ackroyd has hit the skids he’s attempting to sell his very expensive watch in a pawn shop. The pawnbroker listens, but in a gruff and dismissive tone tells Dan that while what he says may be true, “in Philadelphia it’s worth 50 bucks.” Mattie haul your ass back down the hall and buy that “designer” whatever the fuck it is from that snooty bitch!

      • Pay $500? Duh? You missed the point of my story that you have bargaining leverage. You know what term I use to describe the approach I’m advocating.

  4. I can’t say which part of this post I lived most. Julie and her hunk? The snobby neighbor? The apt story where you ever so gracefully got thrown out? Ray??
    Or the olives.
    The Vodka?
    Xo, Patty 58andtheDumper.

    I will be in nyc soon again and would love to buy you a vodka

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