As most of you know my friend David now lives in Texas.

When he lived across the hall from me I thought he was unique because I never knew anyone like him.

And I did like that he’d buy me bagels even if he did throw them a my door screaming something in German.

As I’ve told you before he’s a gun toting republican who feels that every minority doesn’t mind being called a derogatory nickname because … I don’t know what his reason is but he’s always permitted me to berate him daily for being a shit head.

With the election of trump I had a hard time talking to him because I realized he wasn’t unique at all.

But since he didn’t vote for trump and he strongly believes in gun control (mostly for those minorities I spoke of) and truly has a live and let live attitude about most things we’ve gotten close again.

He even met Debbie when he was in New York recently. and although he had nothing good to say about her he did let her sit next to him.

I guess he was relieved she had stopped trying to bite his balls.

Anyway David is constantly saying that my blog is beyond boring because all I talk about is my dog and my family.

He insists I should write about him again.

Why? I don’t know since I almost never say anything nice about him.

In order to curry my blog favor he’s constantly telling me stuff in his life that he thinks I may be interested in.

For example every single time he meets a Jew he calls me. That makes 2 phone calls. Texas isn’t exactly overflowing with Jews.

He thinks that erases the numerous times he’s explained to me that it’s a compliment when he refers to Jews as cheap because it only says they’re good with money.

So here’s his latest foray into liberalism.

He met 2 lesbians in a bar. According to him they wanted him to 1. be a sperm donor and 2. have a threesome.

He called me last night wanting to know why I didn’t write a hilarious post about this.

“Because it’s not funny”

“Are you crazy??? It’s hysterical”

“Look I’ve met funny lesbians as well as funny straight people. I don’t think just BEING a lesbian is funny or not funny.”

“But they want a threesome.”

“That just says they aren’t choosy. It says nothing about them being funny”

“So what are  you going to do? Write another boring  blog about your horrible vicious dog?”

Good idea.

Here’s where Debbie sits when we watch TV.

First the best news.

Not only did Debbie not bite anyone but she was loved by all.

Proof

I will start with my plane travel mishaps.

On the outgoing flight they had to return to the parking spot because the plane was broken.

It took them a few hours to “fix” it and we were off.

On the way home there were unguarded suitcases in the middle of the airport and they had to get dogs and gun guys before they could move it… another 2 hours.

I am a perfect person which is why any country I go to doesn’t want me to leave.

So Roma.

We had a few very important missions in Roma.

1. find Mac long wearing lipsticks that are only found in Europe. Check
2. Marcia really wanted to go to the Borghese Museum which had sculpture that she saw 30 years ago and loved. Check

Now as for #1, we did find the lipsticks but they were at the bottom of the Spanish Steps. For those of you who aren’t Spanish here is what they look like from the top:

and the bottom

As you can see we really wanted those lipsticks. It was a sad sight watching two old ladies deal with those steps.  I lay down and rolled the last mile.

I will give #2 a check too. Because we did go go there. Our travel agent, not knowing how very limited my attention span is, booked us for a tour with an “English Speaking” guide.

First of all, if that’s English I’m French. Second of all even if she could speak English I’m deaf as a post so it was all greek to me (Get it?  See what I did there language wise?)

Plus my knees were killing me so whenever we got to a statue with a lap I sat on it.

The most annoying part was that every time I looked at Marcia she was smiling, nodding and snapping photos.

Finally after about an hour into a THREE HOUR TOUR even she  had had enough so we left.

We snuck off pretty successfully but we got lost and ended up back on the tour so the guide had to show us how to get out.

The best part of the time in Rome was visiting with our baby cousin Dru who lives there.

Here she is.  I hadn’t seen her in so long so it was really nice to see that we immediately felt close. Here she is.

Members of my family will understand that we connected on the words “sussy” and “eh eh”

As for Rome itself I have one thing to say.

Statues shmatues. The cab drivers are a bunch of crooks.  They all pretend they have no change so you end up paying them more than the ride costs.

I’d advise anyone who goes there to get a bunch of small change.

Then on to Sorrento. The promised land.

We loved it.

It had everything we wanted, beautiful views, fabulous shops and wonderful restaurants.

I want to mention particularly the one dedicated to Sophia Loren.  And I mean DEDICATED.

The walls were completely covered with pictures of Sophia.

I asked the owner how often Sofia (that’s how he spelled it) came there. It seems she had been there once 20 years ago.

“But she really liked it”

We finished up the trip in a very fancy hotel about 20 minutes from the airport.

The place was magnificent. Why the rooms didn’t even have numbers. They had names.

I know this is boring but I’m going to show you a few pictures of our room.

and of us having fun

Wait a minute. That’s Marcia having fun. I was having fun taking pictures of Marcia.

Looks perfect right?

That is until we went to dinner.

It seems rich people eat all kinds of crap.

Every dish started out great.

Pasta with mushrooms and (here’s where it got dicy) raw shrimp.

I swear there was something just called “pig”.

But don’t ask how great the bread was.

Anyway we had a wonderful time.

Now let me show you what I came home to (video donated by my nephew Dan)

I got back from Italy yesterday.

After a brief rest I was going to write a very clever and informative post about my trip.

That’s going to have to wait a day.

I got a call from my neighbor and friend Jeffrey with the sad news that his husband Dominick died in a car crash.

The world may know Dominick as Dominick Avellino a famous clothing designer and artist who hobnobbed with the rich and famous in the 70’s and 80’s.

Much of this I didn’t know. I’d seen his magnificent paintings in his apartment and recognized him to be more than gifted.

Here’s what I did know about him.

He was warm and lovely. He always greeted me with a hug and a kiss.

Both he and Jeffrey made me feel that they would be there for me on a seconds notice.

I can’t mention them without thinking of 9/11.

As Jews and Italians are want to do when the buildings fell the first thing we did was go to the supermarket.

I met Dominick and Jeffrey there . We hugged and hugged. Instead of buying basics, you know in case we were at war, I bought a turkey and told them to come and eat with us.

We ate and drank that night and thanked everything holy that we were alive and together to weather the horror of the night.

So rest in peace you dear man.

I will miss your smiles and hugs and I promise to look after Jeffrey for you.

On Tuesday my sister and I are taking our yearly trip to Italy.  I love my sister so much and it is the only time we do whatever we want to do without thinking about anyone else.

That is not what’s bothering me. Here goes.

While I’m away my Super’s family is minding Debbie.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but Debbie has some quirks.

1. She growls
2. She’s known to nip at people.
3. Did I say nip? Replace that with bite.

I’m really worried about the family.

I know that after a short time she will accept them and be her own sweet self but I really love these people.

What if she kills them?

Then there’s Debbie’s emotional state.

She’s only been here a few weeks. She’s just starting to feel at home.

I keep thinking that her other family that had her for her first seven years dumped her in a kill shelter.

I’m afraid she’ll be so sad when I’m gone.

What if she hides and they can’t find her

But I’m feeling a little better because I had a very stern talk with her and I think she’ll behave.

Guess who came over last night.

David, my old neighbor!  It really was so good to see him.

I’ve always been kind of proud of myself for liking him even though he’s the worst person I’ve ever known but on this visit David called his friend who makes him seem like Mother Teresa.

More about that later.

When he called and said he’d be in town and would come over for a drink I warned him that I had a new dog who doesn’t always welcome strangers.

Debbie is a complicated personality.

When you first come in, especially if you’re male, she will try to kill you. She’ll jump on you and attempt to bite you.

If you don’t make any sudden moves and just sit down quietly she will lull you into a kind of  comfort and sit with you and even kiss you.

She might even take a little nap near you.

In fact even if you insult her she will be quite playful

If you misread that you are home safe it will be at your own peril.

Only a fool will try to go to the bathroom or scratch their head and expect to do so unscathed.

Anyway it was wonderful seeing David.

He’s had his fill with Texas. Not for any reason that a human being would have their fill of Texas like their gun laws and shit but because he isn’t getting enough yucks there.

We were reminiscing about the people we knew and his friend David L. came up. I won’t mention his last name mainly because I won’t be saying anything good about him and he might have family that loves him and would take offense. I doubt it but anything is possible.

I knew David L. only though texts etc. Through the years he’s given me a few laughs and since we were on our second drinks I suggested we give him a call which we did.

He seemed pleased that David and I were together again.

I explained that

“Since trump’s election I found that David wasn’t a funny aberration but a large part of the country so we’d lost touch. But we’re back together again”

I was pleased to add that David did not vote for trump and felt that weapons of war should not be on the streets. He also said guns shouldn’t be sold to ” loonies, children, felons and people on the no fly list.”

He wanted me to add one other no gun person but I can’t write it because I’m not a complete animal.

He’s almost acceptable except he’s okay with almost anything if it puts money in his pocket.  And I mean anything. He’s also a gun carrying bigot who hated Obama with a passion.

I take it back. He isn’t acceptable.

I have to keep reminding myself that he was so good to me when dave ran away.

Anyway David L. says “Well I did vote for trump and I think he’s doing a great job.”

“You can’t really mean that”

“Sure do.”

He had more to say but I was too busy gagging to hear him

This guy lives in California. One of the good states. I wonder if he has any friends.

Sure money isn’t as loose as it could be but that has nothing to do with my new plan.

When you find something you’re good at that you really enjoy doing you should make that your calling.

And why not make a few bucks at it.

I’ve decided to open a dog training academy.

I’ve had Debbie for a few weeks.

When she came she was quiet and clung to me constantly. She spent the day sleeping and watching me.

Under my tutelage she is a new dog.

She’s able to express herself and spread her wings.

You shouldn’t have to “guess” what a well trained dog is feeling.

For example: If I go out and leave her home, when I return I see that she has gone through the garbage and kicked around her wee wee pads so they become a wet crinkly ball on the other side of the room as if t say “I too like and outing even if you’re going to the dentist.

She should have the freedom to relax with no one bothering her.

Stretching until she finds just the right position.

If I had started training sooner I could have saved a load of money on a new dishwasher.

Now my plates are clean without wasting water and electricity.

I’m not sure I can take credit for all of her improvements though. Some of her traits are just true to the breed.

For example thriftiness. She hides things on and in my bed.

The other day I saw what I thought was a doody on my Ralph Lauren quilt.

But no, it was a clump of Mighty Dog beef.

That little rascal was saving it for later.

I will take students through my Facebook account (get it? Free adverts)

Every dog is a new experience.

Especially rescue dogs.

You don’t know what their lives were like before and what made them the way they are.

Ray and Debbie are very different.

Ray was very slow to love me.

Debbie acts like I walk on water.

Ray loved men.

Debbie hates them.

Ray was fat and mushy

Debbie skinny and leggy

But here’s how they are alike.

They are both perfect for me.

Now that the Debster feels at home she is just great.

I worried about her with visitors but it’s no problem at all. She jumps up on them when they come in then sits on their laps and kisses them.

Yesterday we had a lot of company.

Miss Liz was in town and got to meet her. It was love at first site.

She stuck with her until our other two friends Karola and Andrea came over.

We all went out to lunch after which Deb and I had a nap.

Such an excellent nap in fact that we didn’t wake up in time for our routine Sunday dinner company Julie, Dan and Violet.

My 2 wine spritzers at lunch may have had something to do with it but what was Deb’s excuse?

Anyway she again welcomed her visitors with love and affection

How she is with toddlers I still don’t know but frankly I never met a toddler I liked so who cares.

As long as she greets me like this when she hears my voice.

.

The biting doesn’t seem to be much of an issue any more. She kisses my doorman whenever we go out.

She seems to be more at home.

Since I am a strict disciplinarian at heart I decided that I’m not going to let Debbie trap me into staying home and not enjoying my life.

Therefore I went to Brooklyn yesterday to spend my favorite day which is lunch  and a mani pedi with Susan.

It was glorious. We laughed, complained and just bad talked everyone in our lives. I didn’t rush home because, like I said, I’m not going to be some dog’s slave.

When I walked in the door I was greeted with leaps and screams and licks galore.

When I used to come home to Ray he barely looked up from the couch.

“This is  nice” I thought.

Then I started looking around.

“Weren’t those pillows on the couch when I left?”

“Wait, wasn’t that gift on the dining room table? And I’m sure that the bag wasn’t torn”

I walked into my office.

“Why would I leave my comb on the floor?”

And then I looked at her on the bed with her porcupine.

I could be wrong but did her expression say,

“I hope you had a good time with Susan. Oh btw how much do you like that new TV? I hope it doesn’t totter off the dresser when you aren’t home to watch it.”

”

I kept thinking thinking thinking.

I had a lot on my mind. I’m not going to name them all. Just the tip of the iceberg so to speak.

First of all taxes. I handed in my personal taxes but for some reason the corporate taxes are delayed.

That involves dave so I’m gonna have to contact him on the matter. That always gives me the willies.

Every morning my sister calls me at 8 a.m.

Here’s a picture of Marcia so you can put a face to what I’m telling you.

It’s an important call because I get to discuss how I’m feeling:

Me: “I’m dying”

Her; “No you’re not.”

Me;  “Whew”

And what our plans are for the day.

Her: Going on a hike. Healing her friend who’s going on a hike. BTW she’s a healer.

Me: emailing dave and trying to get my head around that John Cena break up just before his wedding to the greatest girl anyone could want. (see any news site anywhere).

And what’s buggin’ me.

Today was a big one. I began.

“Marcia, as you know my two favorite singers are Bob Dylan and Nina Simone. I love them both.

But how the fuck do either of them belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?”

Her: “You know what Billy Joel says, “It’s all rock and roll to me”.

Me: Oh

And my second problem,

Say I have my usual group for Thanksgiving, from 20 to 40 people, how is my little little dog, (see photo)

She’s there under the blankets, take my word for it.

As I was saying, how is my little little dog going to be able to bite all those people?

Okay it’s time to start my day.

Time to check on either CNN or TMZ. heh heh