As you all know I have always been a strict Bravo fan.

I love all the Housewives and any other show that Bravo has to offer with a special affection for Reunions.

Well a new show has come into my repertoire.

But first, a bit of background.

My niece and nephew and their 2 daughters from Annapolis came to spend 3 days with me this week.

They were all tested before the trip.

A fine time was had by all.

My niece, Cheryl, has come alone many times because she is a writer and her agent is here in New York.

Because she frequently stays longer than she says she’s going to stay because as she says “She’s no trouble” we have worked out a routine.

She writes all day and we watch TV every night, usually movies.

On this trip most of the family kept themselves busy while she and I fell into our usual pattern.

We decided to watch the first episode of “Bridgerton”.

Interestingly enough it so held our interest that we watched the entire series. This took a bit more than 6 hours.

Come the next night one or two parts were not perfectly clear to us so we decided to watch it again. Since we didn’t have 6 hours to spare we decided to pare it down by limiting any scene that didn’t have the Duke in it.

We very cleverly cut our TV watching time to about an hour and a half.

Come the next night both Cheryl and I still had some unanswered questions about the plot. We realized that it wouldn’t be prudent to go away with a lack of knowledge about those historical times but the family was starting to get ugly. I believe they wanted dinner or something.

By pretending that we were hanging curtains in my bedroom we were able to really cut our Bridgerton time down to about 21 minutes by fast forwarding any scene that didn’t have the Duke’s shirt off.

I just hope that watching all this historical drama doesn’t make me sort of a nerd.

As a special end of the year gift to youse I am having 3 photos of Debby in my Zen, One with my nephew Brian. One with my niece Cheryl and one in her stunning new snow suit.

A happy and healthy New Year to you all

Yesterday started off pretty good.

Julie and I went to Costco in New Jersey.

Don’t worry we were gloved and masked.

We got a little lost on the way thanks to my sister calling us thereby making us miss 9 exits.

But I digress. Julie and I are always happy to spend time together. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing.

Anyway the day went swimmingly. We laughed and talked and bought everything we needed .

I hope my family won’t read this because since I live alone and everything you buy there comes in either vats or cases they can expect bottles of Clorox or cans of pinto beans for their next few birthdays.

Anyway I get home feeling pretty good and if I do say so myself looking fine with my knee length hair up in a bun and the smile on my face that only comes with having enough batteries to light up the Brooklyn Bridge.

I get in the elevator and a man gets in with me. I permit it because he’s wearing a mask as am I.

The door closes and he says to me “I’m assuming you’ll be one of the first people to get the vaccine. Will you take it?”

He might as well have said “Would you mind pushing your wrinkles aside so I can get to the button for my floor?”

I didn’t want to show any reaction.

Since I am quite a good actress I’m quite sure he bought my explanation for my sobs that they were for the fact that Costco was out of tube socks.

Maybe this Zen picture of Debby half asleep will cheer me up.

I have been depending on my Super a bit more than I should.

In fact after the toilet incident the very next day he had to come up because the outside water on my terrace wouldn’t turn off after I had my nephew follow his instructions to the letter.

After turning off the water he left.

I immediately threw my nephew under the bus.

Something wasn’t right.

I started looking at the previous texts and it was clear my nephew did as he was instructed by Lester’s text.

I immediately wrote to Lester.

So yesterday was a new day.

Unfortunately last night my new toilet wouldn’t flush.

Woe is me.

How could I ask Lester to come up a third time after turning on him like that.

I tossed and turned all night trying to come up with something.

Eureka!

First thing this morning I sent him the following text.

Obviously falling for my ruse he immediately answered after I comforted him that the job wouldn’t be unpleasant.

I guess all relationships have ups and downs.

Your Zen today will be a photo that Lester will claim was when Debby threw the rags in the toilet.

As I might have told you my nephew Jim is coming today to connect my new magic toilet which promises to make toilet paper a thing of the past while polishing my nails and combing my hair.

Since Jim is by trade a lawyer I thought I’d give him a little help by preparing his workspace by removing the old toilet seat.

No mean feat. However since I have a BA in Fine Arts I felt I could handle it.

The screws holding it on just wouldn’t budge so I figured giving them a few hard whacks with a wrench would do the trick.

No dice.

However I did notice quite a bit of water coming out of that big thing that the toilet is attached to.

It being Sunday I knew I couldn’t ask my Super to come up and save the day….or could I?

I sent him a text.

“I know you’re not working today but my toilet is really leaking”

He immediately answered “Yikes I’ll be right up”

Even though I was wearing heavy nightclothes I did change into my street attire because as you know I had promised him to always be properly dressed in case I drop dead so he wouldn’t have to see me naked.

When he came in I explained what had happened.

“Do you think I broke the toilet?”

“Probably”

Can you fix it so that my nephew can put on the new one?”

“I’ll put the new one on”

And he proceeded to do just that.

Before he started I made him watch the video with connection instructions.

I could see he wasn’t really paying attention.

Luckily I had hired someone to help him since this clearly wasn’t a one man job.

Remember when I said that he wasn’t really paying attention to the instructions?

It clearly said that when you test it water might squirt out of the toilet

Your
Zen today is the following video.

Oops

I took a movie of my super Lester getting squirted in the face when he tested the toilet proving that he didn’t give that training video the attention it deserved but it didn’t come out so you’ll just have to settle with another photo of Debby where she is resting after a hard days work.

My niece Stephanie has a pond on her property.

She was walking near said pond when she saw a snake tangled up in the kind of netting that goes around onions.

Even though she agrees with all if us that snakes are icky, she picked up the snake and tried to untangle it.

All this while her 3 dogs were jumping up on her and barking for a snake snack.

She got most of the netting off when the ungrateful snake bit her and she dropped it.

It slithered away (ick) into the pond.

I know what you’re thinking.

“She is so proud because her niece saved a snake hence the title of this blog.”

Wrong.

Yes I was impressed and proud of Stephanie.

Because of this I recounted the story to the rest of the family.

A few days later my other niece Julie sent Steph a text:

“Oh Steph, I sent you a present, did you get it ? It was wrapped in a fruit bag by your pond.”

So I wrote to Steph

“Julie’s text made me laugh and laugh”

And Steph wrote back:

“I know. And when I read only the first sentence I got so excited that she got me a present I couldn’t figure out how she deposited in my pond. Hysterical”

I know it’s a small thing but for some reason That snake story has really hit me as perfect.

I wake up in the middle of the night and start laughing at even the idea of sending someone a snake as a gift.

I’m so lucky and now so are you because….Zen

I’m starting to do some of the things that I couldn’t do while hiding under my bed.

It started on Saturday when I was walking Debby and I heard the Star Spangled Banner coming out of someone’s window.

I started crying then and I’m almost finished crying now so I am dipping my toe into life once again.

On a slightly personal level falling under TMI, ever since I saw Stephanie’s toilet that practically gives you a bath every time you use it. I wanted it.

Now that I have reentered the world of the living and joy is permitted back in my life I decided to get one.

My sweet nephew Jimmy said that if I order it he’ll connect it.

So on Amazon I go.

It was all going fine until they asked if my toilet was long or round.

It looked pretty round but it could have been long.

What to do.What to do.

Now who could I ask?

It could only be my super, Lester.

But from my huge knowledge of Latin men, how could I bring up the subject of toilets without him thinking it was a come on?

I’m a woman alone so I have to be careful.

I finally hit on it.

I sent him a text.

“Is my toilet round or long? I’m asking for a friend.”

Luckily he bought it. After asking me to send him a picture of my toilet he assured me it was round.

I also bought a new computer that I can’t work at all.

Still my angst at this is nothing like what I was feeling under my bed.

Double Zen

Here’s the funny part.

It’s about the worst person I know.

You guessed it, David.

As you know David is a Republican, gun owner who has been known to be bigoted and is just generally shitty.

He also is one of my best friends.

I’ve noticed a few chinks in his crap armor though.

In spite of the fact that the only thing he holds dear is the economy, he didn’t vote for trump last time and he won’t vote for him this time.

Although he’s considered himself a Texan for as long as I’ve known him (embracing everything lousy about that State) and considered New Yorkers well, not his style when he moved to Texas a few years ago he realized that he was more of a New Yorker than he thought and he moved back this year.

This Covid thing has knocked him for a loop though. He was telling me that he feels isolated and somewhat depressed being in alone so much.

Here’s where I have to pat myself on the back even though as you know that’s very hard for me.

“What you need is a dog! It will get you out and there will be someone who’s glad to see you when you get home”

Which is something I myself can’t imagine that happening much in his life.

He brightened up immediately.

You’re right! I will get a rescue dog.

And he got right on it.

To encourage him I sent him a dog bed for his birthday, telling him that the dog will probably sleep in his bed.

To which he replied “Well that ain’t happening!!”

Now let’s move forward.

Yesterday he picked up Minnie. I can’t exactly say what she is. It looks like someone threw everything doglike in a pot and out came Minnie.

I had told David that it would probably take her awhile to get settledl

David, Minnie and I zoomed last night and her tail was almost wagging off.

She’s already made him her person.

BTW here’s where she slept last night.

He acted tough though.

He sent me this saying:

“No luck getting into her bed. I’ll get medieval on her ass tomorrow night “

David will be sleeping in that dog bed before Minnie will.

Now we have a guest Zen today.

Let’s start with last night.

As you know I don’t have many friends.

I can’t really say why. I’m pretty delightful.

Anyway back to what I was saying. I can’t be that choosy so when a friend is disgusting and shallow and crappy I stay mum.

I won’t mention the name of the person I’m talking about because I wouldn’t want to hurt David’s feelings.

Many evenings at about 5 o’clock he calls me and we have cocktails together.

Last night he said that he was expecting a call from the richest man in Australia so he may have to hang up.

Why is he calling you?

A mutual friend of ours just died and he wants to commiserate with me because we are both truly saddened by this.

Then he says “While I have him on the phone I’m going to bring up a really good deal that I’m sure he’d want to invest in.”

“Are you nuts?” I suggest. “You can’t do that. This is the a call of sympathy not business”

“That’s what I thought too but I figured out a way to bring it up. I’ll say that Frank’s (we’ll call him Frank) dying words were. “Be sure and tell Clark (we’ll call him Clark) about that great investment David has”. He loved us both and and I guess he wouldn’t want you to miss out on a sure thing”

Mum

Then I watched one minute of the Debate.

I immediately turned it off and watched an old episode of ‘Psych’ to clean my brain.

As if things couldn’t be worse they turned the a/c off in my building.

About 5 years ago I gave my Super my standing air conditioner because I was afraid that the landlord would find out I had it.

It cost about $300 but did I ask him to pay a penny? No because I am a giver.

This morning I take my sweaty self and Debby out for a walk and as I pass the lobby my Super’s wife, who is our doorwoman is on the house phone and she stops me and says “Lester wants to talk to you. Oh he doesn’t want to talk to you he just wants me to tell you that it’s too chilly in his office.”

I just walk away refusing to take the bait.

That is for about a minute.

Then I continued my walk thinking that my day had to get better.

I was walking across 57th Street when a young woman WITHOUT A MASK pointed to my BLM shirt and said “That’s a terrorist organization”.

She walked away before I could educate her with a “Put on a mask cuntface” when I decided to be open minded.

Maybe she’s right. I have noticed several Black peopled hurting cop’s knees with their necks. And there have been untold stories about Black people stealing much needed police bullets in their bodies.

I walked home a shadow of the person that left my apartment and just as I was arriving home a pretty old woman walking hand in hand with her husband said “Good for you” to me.

I still need a little zen

The other day my sister Marcia fell down and sprained her ankle.

She was at the doctor today having her eyeball fixed (removal of band aid after cataract surgery) and the nurse looked at her ankle which was still bruised and said “I’d have your doctor look at that”

She repeated this to me and said “That is so stupid. What’s he gonna say? You sprained your ankle?”

We hung up and I mulled this over for awhile.

If that same thing had happened to me I would have lain awake for a few nights tossing and turning and screaming into my pillow so as to not wake Debby.

Finally I would call my friend Susan to tell her I have foot cancer.

Susan would sympathize with me and tell me she’s sure that I don’t have it (even though she would be sure I do) and give me several suggestions of what it could be, a tick bite or something.

Then we’d swap symptoms of reasons why we both have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.

Of course I wouldn’t go to the doctor because I hate bad news and even if I did go to the doctor I would lie.

If he was any kind of doctor I wouldn’t have to give him a bunch of clues for him to make a diagnosis.

Don’t ask what would happen if I had a headache.

Maybe this will calm me down.

Why? Because too many things are expected of you.

You must be smart, kind, fleet of foot and dare I say spunky.

You must also be diplomatic and have grace under fire.

I don’t like to brag but I have all those things so if you move here I am what you should aim to be.

I’ll give you an example.

About a week ago my Super Lester asked to enter my apartment since either the apartment above or below me had a bad leak and he would need to go though MY wall to fix it.

I must remind you that for a NYC apartment dweller the people of importance in your life are your immediate family, close friends and right before either of them is your Super.

So when Lester said he needed to do this I graciously agreed.

Now remember, I don’t have a leak. MY floors are dry as a bone and I couldn’t pick the people above or below me in a line up but because I have at times been called ‘saintly’ I gave the go ahead to my dear Super who I’ve needed in the past and may need again one of these days.

Also I’m kind of walking on eggshells with him for calling him a pussy when he was changing my light fixture. These latinos can hold a grudge.

So he went about making a giant hole in my wall. Well maybe not giant but not so little either.

He worked on it all day and when he left he covered it with some plastic shit.

A few days passed and I decided to text him a little nudge

I gave him a bit more time before my second little hint was sent to him.

Still patient I gave him a small heads up.

In answer to my question of did he know when he’s closing the hole he did say “yes”

So he does know. I, however, don’t.

Now Zen

lester fixing my sink, not the hole.