991. We Are Fam-i-ly

Every dog is a new experience.

Especially rescue dogs.

You don’t know what their lives were like before and what made them the way they are.

Ray and Debbie are very different.

Ray was very slow to love me.

Debbie acts like I walk on water.

Ray loved men.

Debbie hates them.

Ray was fat and mushy

Debbie skinny and leggy

But here’s how they are alike.

They are both perfect for me.

Now that the Debster feels at home she is just great.

I worried about her with visitors but it’s no problem at all. She jumps up on them when they come in then sits on their laps and kisses them.

Yesterday we had a lot of company.

Miss Liz was in town and got to meet her. It was love at first site.IMG_0452

She stuck with her until our other two friends Karola and Andrea came over.

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We all went out to lunch after which Deb and I had a nap.

Such an excellent nap in fact that we didn’t wake up in time for our routine Sunday dinner company Julie, Dan and Violet.

My 2 wine spritzers at lunch may have had something to do with it but what was Deb’s excuse?

Anyway she again welcomed her visitors with love and affection

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How she is with toddlers I still don’t know but frankly I never met a toddler I liked so who cares.

As long as she greets me like this when she hears my voice.

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990. True Colors

The biting doesn’t seem to be much of an issue any more. She kisses my doorman whenever we go out.

She seems to be more at home.

Since I am a strict disciplinarian at heart I decided that I’m not going to let Debbie trap me into staying home and not enjoying my life.

Therefore I went to Brooklyn yesterday to spend my favorite day which is lunch  and a mani pedi with Susan.

It was glorious. We laughed, complained and just bad talked everyone in our lives. I didn’t rush home because, like I said, I’m not going to be some dog’s slave.

When I walked in the door I was greeted with leaps and screams and licks galore.

When I used to come home to Ray he barely looked up from the couch.

“This is  nice” I thought.

Then I started looking around.

“Weren’t those pillows on the couch when I left?”

pillows

“Wait, wasn’t that gift on the dining room table? And I’m sure that the bag wasn’t torn”

present

I walked into my office.

“Why would I leave my comb on the floor?”

comb

And then I looked at her on the bed with her porcupine.

with toy

I could be wrong but did her expression say,

“I hope you had a good time with Susan. Oh btw how much do you like that new TV? I hope it doesn’t totter off the dresser when you aren’t home to watch it.”

 

989. I didn’t sleep well last night

I kept thinking thinking thinking.

I had a lot on my mind. I’m not going to name them all. Just the tip of the iceberg so to speak.

First of all taxes. I handed in my personal taxes but for some reason the corporate taxes are delayed.

That involves dave so I’m gonna have to contact him on the matter. That always gives me the willies.

Every morning my sister calls me at 8 a.m.

Here’s a picture of Marcia so you can put a face to what I’m telling you.

marcia

It’s an important call because I get to discuss how I’m feeling:

Me: “I’m dying”

Her; “No you’re not.”

Me;  “Whew”

And what our plans are for the day.

Her: Going on a hike. Healing her friend who’s going on a hike. BTW she’s a healer.

Me: emailing dave and trying to get my head around that John Cena break up just before his wedding to the greatest girl anyone could want. (see any news site anywhere).

And what’s buggin’ me.

Today was a big one. I began.

“Marcia, as you know my two favorite singers are Bob Dylan and Nina Simone. I love them both.

But how the fuck do either of them belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?”

Her: “You know what Billy Joel says, “It’s all rock and roll to me”.

Me: Oh

And my second problem,

Say I have my usual group for Thanksgiving, from 20 to 40 people, how is my little little dog, (see photo)

blanket

She’s there under the blankets, take my word for it.

As I was saying, how is my little little dog going to be able to bite all those people?

Okay it’s time to start my day.

Time to check on either CNN or TMZ. heh heh

988. OR…. maybe it can go both ways

We arrived and it looked like it was going really well.

Except for a few scuffles she got along with Stephanie’s dogs. Actually it might have been more than a few but it wasn’t terrible.

She loved being in the country.  Remember she’s been inside mostly and she’s never been outside off the leash.

Here she is having fun with Steph and two of her dogs and her cat. The other dog was too scared to go near her cause, ya know, the scuffles.

having fun

Here she is running.

She immediately made herself at home in the house.

bed

Laura loved her too and the feeling was mutual.

laura

And except for one little moment where she tried to kill Stephanie’s gardener the visit was perfect.

And I don’t use the term “kill” lightly.

I’ve  known him for a long time. He set up my terrace and helped me a million times when I was at Steph’s.

The fact that he’s oh so easy on the eyes only adds to his cache.

He walked over and kissed me hello.  His mistake.

I’ve seen dogs who snap before. Ray was excellent at that.

But this wasn’t a snap. It was attempted murder.

She not only jumped up to bite him, she ran after him leaping up to seal the deal.

I know what you’re thinking.

Mattie is sorry she got that dog.

Well let me tell you.

I don’t love her one bit less.

In fact I have this new pink lipstick that makes me especially attractive and the Debster can protect me from cads and bounders.

Of course I can give up any idea of remarrying or dating or even saying hello to a man.

I can live with that.

987. This could go either way

Today is both stressful and exciting.

I’m bringing Debbie up to meet her two cousins Stephanie and Laura Rose plus dogs, horses, donkeys and cats.

We’re sleeping over.

I’m happy because I know they will love her because she’s so cute and sweet.

I’m stressed because

1.She will be going in the car for the first time since I have her.

2.She is going to a new place.  The only new place she’s ever gone other than my house was a kill shelter.

3.She’s never been outside without a leash. In fact she hasn’t been outside much even with a leash since every time I pick up the leash to walk her she hides.

4. She is paper trained.  No one in my family has ever had a dog who is paper trained. By the way “paper trained’ means she pees on the paper and and makes doody real close to the paper.

5. I am really scared she will bite Steph or Laura.  I don’t think she will but I’ve only had her for a few days.

6. I’m more scared that she will pee or something not on the paper because Steph has made it clear to me that she likes her house more than she likes me.  She did say that she will accept one (1) mistake.

I’m hoping that this will make up for any misdeeds.

deb

986. So I got this dog

deb

 

She’s not bad looking and she stopped crapping all over my house but I can see that some training will be necessary.

For example;

I will have to stop looking at her constantly.  It seems to irritate her.

I will need to begin leaving the room if she’s sleeping and put aside my fear of waking her up. That will only occur during emergency like going to the bathroom or getting pie.

Although I know much of her history there are a few questions left unanswered.

In her possessions I found some badges and stuff from The Illuminati.

When I questioned her all she would do was point to letters on my keyboard spelling out “It’s not for you to know”

I’ll just leave it for now.

She does like squeaky toys.

I’ll just be content with that.

985. Remember I told you I was getting a dog named Amy?

That name just doesn’t come comfortably out of my mouth.

I used to dream of having 2 little dachshunds one named Debbie and the other named Debby and since they would look alike it wouldn’t matter which one came when I called.

I will name her Debbie.

I picked her up at the pound last night.

She had been spayed and she was wearing a cone.IMG_0333

They told me I had to leave the cone on for 10 days.

Here she is this morning eating breakfast.IMG_0334

Who knew she liked chicken? They told me she just eats dry food.

Here she is watching me write this.

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She slept in my bed and only got out to pee on a wee wee pad.

They told me that she bites toddlers which in my mind is a plus.

I think we’ll get along fine.

That’s what I’m writing but in my head I’m saying “YAYYYYY I LOVE HER I LOVE HER”

984. A story of me being an asshole but it worked out ok anyway

My sister and I are creatures of habit.

We love each other so much and we know what makes us happy.

She’s in NYC now.

We do what we always do.

She has lunch with Julie.  I pick her up and bring her home to my house.

Nap.

Go out to our favorite restaurant, Club A on my block where we have the same thing we always have.

Red wine that Marcia picks.

Lobster, shrimp and crab meat appetizer.

one free mushroom ravioli

filet mignon, potatoes and mushrooms.  When Ray was alive we would order the big filet so I could bring the leftovers home to him but sadly we get the small one now.

Free dessert.

We were being so happy and smiling when out of the corner of my eye I noticed the table in the middle of the room.

It was 3 young people glued to their phones. I watched them for a good 15 minutes, just time enough for me to have my second glass of wine. They were still not speaking.

I got up and went over to their table.  Marcia didn’t even blink. They looked up.

“Feel free to tell me to mind my own business but I’ve been watching you for awhile. You obviously like each other enough to go out and eat in this expensive restaurant but you haven’t spoken to each other or looked up from your phones once since you sat down.”

They laughed and said “You’re right” and put their phones away.

I noticed them talking for the rest of the night but I tried not to look at them since Marcia said I probably ruined their whole dinner.

As we were leaving Marcia went up to them and said

“Please excuse my buttinsky  sister”

The oldest of the three said “No She was right. We weren’t putting our priorities straight.

Let’s take a picture together”

restaur

Now I know that Julie and Stephanie are cringing right now but they should keep in mind.

I’m getting older and nuttier.

I’ve embarrassed them before and I’ll embarrass them again.

983. Woe is me

You people know I’m not a complainer.

Well I am but today was the worst day of my life.

I know what you’re saying.

“You’ve lost family members.”

“Your husband got a girlfriend and left you when you were already wrinkled”

“You thought you’d look good in the new blouse you bought”

I can’t name all the sorrow I’ve suffered

And don’t think I don’t take all that into consideration but…..

Let me start at the beginning.

As I might have mentioned I am ambivalent about getting another dog.

I am feeling very free to do whatever I want which is stupid since I never do anything but if something comes up I can do it.

But and it’s a big but I miss something furry to hug and kiss.

I was staring at the wall yesterday trying to decide whether to wear my Hillary tee shirt or my sequin gown when Julie called.

“Did you see my text?”

“No”

“Look at it.”

It was a picture of the best looking smiling dachshund ever.  She was under 10 pounds and she was in a kill shelter in Brooklyn.

I didn’t have to think twice (well i did but let’s forget that ) “Let’s get her”

Julie rushed over and we jumped in the car to begin the thousand mile drive to the asshole of Brooklyn .

On the way Julie got a text from the pound that she was still available.

My lips were pursed all the way ready for kissing.

I also practiced saying “Yvonne, that’s what I’d name her, let’s go out and stretch our legs” Get it? She’s got short legs.

With the traffic and everything it took us forever to get there. We arrived  and rushed inside only to be told that she was adopted 20 minutes before.

We slowly walked out with our eyes wet and our heads bowed.

Sure, we told each other, we’re glad she found a home, but why oh why wasn’t it with us?

It took us even longer to get home and it wasn’t a pleasant ride. We were bemoaning (the only word I could think of) over and over.

All I had to eat, other than my lunch before I left, were some old gummy bears that were in my glove compartment for emergencies.

If this wasn’t one than the word “emergency” has no meaning.

There was so much traffic that we didn’t get to Julie’s house until dinner time. Since I was planning to eat dinner there we spent hours looking for a space only finding one several blocks away.

As we were limping to Julie’s house, her with her fucked up foot and me with my … whatever, I noticed a space right across the street from her house.

The gods were laughing at us.

I wish I could write a happy ending for this story.

Wait! The dinner was good.

I had pie.

982. Who Says I Can’t Still Get a Man?

I’m on my way to TJMaxx. I need a few things.

Waiting for the light to change I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around. It’s a guy who lives on my block.

I can’t say time has been kind to him. He walks with a cane and he appears to have given his teeth up for Lent.

“Barbara?” he asks

“No Mattie”

“How do I know you.?”

“Well you’ve lived on my block for  40 years. I once drove you to Queens. I usually  have a dog with me.”

“How’s your husband?”

“He ran away”

“Listen Barbara, I was invited to a wedding. Wanna go?”

“I’m so sorry I can’t”

“You sure?”

“Yes”

He didn’t say anything he just turned and  left.

I still got it.