1. How’d it turn out with Bosch?

They apologized and told me to turn the heat down in my water.

I wrote back that I live in an apartment building and have no control of that and no other person in my building of over 100 apartments is complaining about their dishwasher breaking glasses because of the heat.

Radio silence.

Summation: Fuck Bosch.  I can live with it the way it is but if I ever get another dishwasher it will be Kitchen Aid.

2. Debby and Thanksgiving and my thinking that it would be a bloodbath.

I’m not going to say that she didn’t bite anyone because several members in my family think they can get up and walk around any old time they want.

I will say she worked very hard to welcome those that knew how to follow instructions.

Here she is sharing the afternoon with Julie and Dan

Loving it up with Lily and Cheryl (during the few times Lily behaved herself and wasn’t running willy nilly)

And here she is helping her Aunt Marcia put on her make up.

The truth is this was the best Thanksgiving we’ve had in years.

I have a good family.

It’s not new that I use my blog to complain.

Usually it’s about either someone I know or a dog that shows me no respect but not this time.

This time I am writing about my new dishwasher.

On September 14th I sent the following letter to Bosch.  ____________________________________________________________________________________________

To whom it may concern

It doesn’t make sense to me that your advice is to not use several of the functions of this dishwasher as they are meant to be used.

It’s that time of year.

My family from Israel came to visit. This year it was my nephew Yitzhak and 6 of his children.

They come every year to show their love for my sister Phyllis. They go to her grave and pray and speak to her.

I hope she knows how precious she still is to her children and grandchildren.

Each year I turn my house into a Glatt Kosher wonderland. Kosher food, paper plates, plastic silverware and pots and pans that my friend Susan and I bought in Brooklyn and had made kosher.

I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said that they aren’t dog lovers but they seemed to really like Ray.

Debbie, not so much. It seems like they not only don’t like dogs they especially don’t like velociraptors.

She, when she wasn’t trying to bite them for what she considers unacceptable behavior like walking in  the house, standing up or looking her way, would pick the one who was most afraid of her and sit on their lap.

Look at the joy in my sweet niece’s face.

I tried my best to make her look less frightening.

That’s actually the dress she got for Julie’s wedding that she wasn’t invited to but as you can see it was $9 well spent.

Maybe she should wear it on Thanksgiving.

I’m thinkin’ that’ll be a bloodbath.

I look at Instagram and there’s movie after movie of Ann Leary teaching this shitty looking dog to dance, do her laundry and play the violin and I can’t even stop Debbie from licking my teeth

The people Debbie likes she likes.  Most of them unless they decide to stand up or go to the bathroom.

Since she’s , how you say, a biter, I was lucky enough to have my friend Carol keep her during the wedding.

Julie had a beautiful new dress and blood stains from her guests, not Julie who can do no wrong as far as Deb is concerned, would not add to the festivities.

Carol bought Debbie back when most people had left and only family remained.

Much to my surprise my dog acted like a little angel. She was either walking around or sitting next to people on the couch.

She did seem to take to my new niece Cori until Cori made the amateur mistake of giving me a hug good bye.

Luckily Cori is from Iowa where I believe they have no sue laws. She took the small amount of blood like a trooper. She didn’t mention making another visit though. I guess she forgot.

The cold weather is coming soon and Debbie gets very chilly so I’ve been looking for clothes for her.

You know trying to make her look attractive.

I live on the east side of Manhattan. I went into a local dog store and asked about a small down jacket. I was told it was $75.

Since that was ridiculous I looked at just a sweater. Get this. It was cashmere and $240.

The whole dog was free!!! I wouldn’t buy a couch for $240.

I spent yesterday with Julie doing all our little tasks.  I found Debbie some wonderful outfits in TJMaxx, none more than $12.99.

Here they are.

As soon as Debbie saw them she ran and hid.

I was only able to catch her and put one coat on her.

Doesn’t she look happy?

Here’s what I’m dreading.

In a few weeks my Israeli family is coming to visit.

Sometime before then I’m going to have to get a backbone and teach Debbie not to attack them.

Any suggestions?

I have been busy busy busy.

I’m preparing for Julie and Dan’s wedding so I’m going through my apartment trying to remove anything unsightly so that my house looks like a proper venue for these two little darlings.

I think what I need is my niece Stephanie to come down and look around. She has always been more than happy to point out anything wrong with my abode, my hair or my make up.

That sounds like I’m criticizing her which is not the case.

I was sleeping on a mattress in Montauk that had a big well in the middle of it.  Only when she said ” That mattress stinks. Get a new one.” did I do just that and have enjoyed many comfortable nights since.

The same with whatever was cootyized in my apartment. She has improved my life tremendously.

I just don’t see it until someone points it out.

I have a lot of things covered, food, decor and help.

One thing I think might be a problem is Debby.

She would rather anyone she doesn’t know doesn’t come into my apartment. I wonder how she’ll deal with 70 people she doesn’t know?  We have a very big family most of whom she’s never met.

I’ve been thinking. Maybe if I make her look more attractive say with a lovely party dress then the male guests will consider getting their balls nipped at by a screaming but very haute couture decked out princess just a hoot.

Here she is in her new hat

Not threatening right?

And the dress I’ve ordered is black and white polkadots with a stunning bow at the waist.

I figure that won’t show blood.

At least on the black part.

One of the good things about having a big family is that you can always have people you love visiting you.

Last night my nephew Jacob and his sweet girlfriend Rachel slept over.

After a few little bites on Jacob Debby welcomed them with open paws.

They are both  leaving for college this week so I guess they wanted to squeeze a little something out of the Big Apple before starting that journey.

I tried to give them both some encouraging words. I explained that after college life goes down rapidly and they will probably never have  fun again so enjoy it.

When Jacob was a little boy he met David who showed him his knives and told him about all the guns he had.

Though he, Jacob, was no longer interested in either of those he had a memory of David being a scream so when I told him I had plans with David for dinner he wanted to come with us.

I said he could but added that he must be aware that David is a terrible person with a level of maturity that stopped at the age Jacob was when last he met him.

And my man David didn’t disappoint. He entered the apartment waving his umbrella in front of Debby which did not sit well with her at all.

We had cocktails and chatted while Debby snarled and pulled to bite him.  David threatened to kill her in one breath and in the other begged me to put her on the other side of me so she couldn’t eat him, something that she was dying to do.

We finally went to the restaurant that David picked because he wanted  Peking duck.

Now I am prepared to take abuse because I am a hypocrite. So have at it.

I eat some meats but I do not want to know from whence they came.

This restaurant served the duck with it’s head on!

Rachel and I almost puked.

No duck for us and now duck is on my no eat list along with pig and lamb soon to be followed by beef.

And BTW the rest of the food stunk too. Feel free to IM me if you want the name of the restaurant.

Again David didn’t disappoint. He regaled the kids with stories of his life dropping an occasional racial or gender slur and wound up the evening with some horrible stories that I will save you all by not repeating.

I told the kids right in front of David while he looked on proudly, “Remember I warned you. He’s the worst person I know”.

Not to change the subject but I think I’ll change the subject.

I do want to say one thing about age. Sometimes it hits you in the face when you least expect it.

I wouldn’t have been surprised if Jacob and Rachel didn’t know who John Wayne was or even Frank Sinatra.

But these two had no idea who NSYNC is.

That ain’t right.

Look, I know that I haven’t written in awhile but maybe I have more on my plate than usual.

My dog Debbie is really settling in. Now she only bites people at first meeting. Then….sweet as sugar.

I’m having a party next month and I’m a little nervous.  I hope there aren’t any litigious people coming.

Also Liz sold her apartment to a man who called me and Liz losers so I’m thinkin’ that he’s not gonna be a “live and let live” kinda guy.

I had gotten used to Debbie hiding food in my bed but this morning I found a piece of cucumber in my shoe. I hope I can live with that.

But enough complaining.

Last week I accidentally put my phone in a glass of water and the speaker part stopped working so I bought a new phone.

Don’t ask why I put it there. It was very late and I thought I was hanging it up. And let’s see if you don’t strange things when you’re 74.

Well the new phone arrived yesterday.  I opened the box and what did I see????

A WHITE PHONE!! The most beautiful phone I ever saw.  Of course in my youth you could get princess phones in any color but that hasn’t been the case since..I don’t know…FOREVER.

I’m sure that while you’re admiring my beautiful phone and being yes, a little jealous, you’re making snotty remarks about my coffee pot to take the sting off your poor sportsmanship.

Well my old lady coffee pot keeps my coffee hot all day. That is if I left it on all day what with me putting my phone in a glass of water shows that it’s more than likely I will.

But take THAT losers!!!

As most of you know my friend David now lives in Texas.

When he lived across the hall from me I thought he was unique because I never knew anyone like him.

And I did like that he’d buy me bagels even if he did throw them a my door screaming something in German.

As I’ve told you before he’s a gun toting republican who feels that every minority doesn’t mind being called a derogatory nickname because … I don’t know what his reason is but he’s always permitted me to berate him daily for being a shit head.

With the election of trump I had a hard time talking to him because I realized he wasn’t unique at all.

But since he didn’t vote for trump and he strongly believes in gun control (mostly for those minorities I spoke of) and truly has a live and let live attitude about most things we’ve gotten close again.

He even met Debbie when he was in New York recently. and although he had nothing good to say about her he did let her sit next to him.

I guess he was relieved she had stopped trying to bite his balls.

Anyway David is constantly saying that my blog is beyond boring because all I talk about is my dog and my family.

He insists I should write about him again.

Why? I don’t know since I almost never say anything nice about him.

In order to curry my blog favor he’s constantly telling me stuff in his life that he thinks I may be interested in.

For example every single time he meets a Jew he calls me. That makes 2 phone calls. Texas isn’t exactly overflowing with Jews.

He thinks that erases the numerous times he’s explained to me that it’s a compliment when he refers to Jews as cheap because it only says they’re good with money.

So here’s his latest foray into liberalism.

He met 2 lesbians in a bar. According to him they wanted him to 1. be a sperm donor and 2. have a threesome.

He called me last night wanting to know why I didn’t write a hilarious post about this.

“Because it’s not funny”

“Are you crazy??? It’s hysterical”

“Look I’ve met funny lesbians as well as funny straight people. I don’t think just BEING a lesbian is funny or not funny.”

“But they want a threesome.”

“That just says they aren’t choosy. It says nothing about them being funny”

“So what are  you going to do? Write another boring  blog about your horrible vicious dog?”

Good idea.

Here’s where Debbie sits when we watch TV.

First the best news.

Not only did Debbie not bite anyone but she was loved by all.

Proof

I will start with my plane travel mishaps.

On the outgoing flight they had to return to the parking spot because the plane was broken.

It took them a few hours to “fix” it and we were off.

On the way home there were unguarded suitcases in the middle of the airport and they had to get dogs and gun guys before they could move it… another 2 hours.

I am a perfect person which is why any country I go to doesn’t want me to leave.

So Roma.

We had a few very important missions in Roma.

1. find Mac long wearing lipsticks that are only found in Europe. Check
2. Marcia really wanted to go to the Borghese Museum which had sculpture that she saw 30 years ago and loved. Check

Now as for #1, we did find the lipsticks but they were at the bottom of the Spanish Steps. For those of you who aren’t Spanish here is what they look like from the top:

and the bottom

As you can see we really wanted those lipsticks. It was a sad sight watching two old ladies deal with those steps.  I lay down and rolled the last mile.

I will give #2 a check too. Because we did go go there. Our travel agent, not knowing how very limited my attention span is, booked us for a tour with an “English Speaking” guide.

First of all, if that’s English I’m French. Second of all even if she could speak English I’m deaf as a post so it was all greek to me (Get it?  See what I did there language wise?)

Plus my knees were killing me so whenever we got to a statue with a lap I sat on it.

The most annoying part was that every time I looked at Marcia she was smiling, nodding and snapping photos.

Finally after about an hour into a THREE HOUR TOUR even she  had had enough so we left.

We snuck off pretty successfully but we got lost and ended up back on the tour so the guide had to show us how to get out.

The best part of the time in Rome was visiting with our baby cousin Dru who lives there.

Here she is.  I hadn’t seen her in so long so it was really nice to see that we immediately felt close. Here she is.

Members of my family will understand that we connected on the words “sussy” and “eh eh”

As for Rome itself I have one thing to say.

Statues shmatues. The cab drivers are a bunch of crooks.  They all pretend they have no change so you end up paying them more than the ride costs.

I’d advise anyone who goes there to get a bunch of small change.

Then on to Sorrento. The promised land.

We loved it.

It had everything we wanted, beautiful views, fabulous shops and wonderful restaurants.

I want to mention particularly the one dedicated to Sophia Loren.  And I mean DEDICATED.

The walls were completely covered with pictures of Sophia.

I asked the owner how often Sofia (that’s how he spelled it) came there. It seems she had been there once 20 years ago.

“But she really liked it”

We finished up the trip in a very fancy hotel about 20 minutes from the airport.

The place was magnificent. Why the rooms didn’t even have numbers. They had names.

I know this is boring but I’m going to show you a few pictures of our room.

and of us having fun

Wait a minute. That’s Marcia having fun. I was having fun taking pictures of Marcia.

Looks perfect right?

That is until we went to dinner.

It seems rich people eat all kinds of crap.

Every dish started out great.

Pasta with mushrooms and (here’s where it got dicy) raw shrimp.

I swear there was something just called “pig”.

But don’t ask how great the bread was.

Anyway we had a wonderful time.

Now let me show you what I came home to (video donated by my nephew Dan)

I got back from Italy yesterday.

After a brief rest I was going to write a very clever and informative post about my trip.

That’s going to have to wait a day.

I got a call from my neighbor and friend Jeffrey with the sad news that his husband Dominick died in a car crash.

The world may know Dominick as Dominick Avellino a famous clothing designer and artist who hobnobbed with the rich and famous in the 70’s and 80’s.

Much of this I didn’t know. I’d seen his magnificent paintings in his apartment and recognized him to be more than gifted.

Here’s what I did know about him.

He was warm and lovely. He always greeted me with a hug and a kiss.

Both he and Jeffrey made me feel that they would be there for me on a seconds notice.

I can’t mention them without thinking of 9/11.

As Jews and Italians are want to do when the buildings fell the first thing we did was go to the supermarket.

I met Dominick and Jeffrey there . We hugged and hugged. Instead of buying basics, you know in case we were at war, I bought a turkey and told them to come and eat with us.

We ate and drank that night and thanked everything holy that we were alive and together to weather the horror of the night.

So rest in peace you dear man.

I will miss your smiles and hugs and I promise to look after Jeffrey for you.