Not for me because I’ve always had that aced.

But since my life is so boring now I may be writing about others who are not so gifted.

For example I was walking Debby yesterday and I noticed a young white guy sitting on the steps of a building.

He was really giving it his all.

He had plenty of tats.

He was wearing a dew rag and looking at his phone.

The only thing missing was a butt sticking out of his mouth but he was about to rectify that.

He looked over at a truck parked in front of him with a young black guy sitting in the passenger seat.

“Bro, Got a light?”

“Yes I do but I’m not your bro.”

The tap dance begins.

“Oh I know that.” yadda yadda yadd

” I just call everyone Bro”.

I had just walked past him and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t gonna call me bro.

But my heart went out to them both.

The kid clearly is trying to connect with the guy in the truck

And the guy in the truck was asserting himself without being rude.

A little slice of life with people relating to each other in these uncertain times

Now I will discuss Pride.

Just as trump had given racists and haters permission to openly come out of the closet, these attempts of restrictive laws and open homophobia has given permission for more people to speak out and openly show themselves as who they truly are be it gay, bisexual, trans or even even people who are none of these but accept all.

Which is why I proudly show you Debby and her fiance.

Due to pleas from my fans ( someone asked my friend Susan “How’s Mattie?”) I’ve decided to start writing my blog again.

Here’s the rub. I’ve jumped into this covid ‘stay in your house and watch TV’ with both feet so I’m going to have to be creative to get your attention.

I hate to leave my house.

The fact that Debby doesn’t want me to has a lot to do with it since she runs the show here.

She constantly stares at me making me leave whatever spot I’m in and I go to a place that she’d prefer, like the couch.

I do it because who needs the aggravation?

It’s not like she doesn’t give back.

I’ve had some a/c problems and my Super Lester is constantly at my house fixing it. Luckily Debby is there to help him.

Frankly I’m not sure just how competent he is. I’ve never seen him fix anything without
Debby’s help.

My opinion on world topics

I was pretty sure we had cured all race and war problems in the 60’s.

Apparently I was wrong.

Since I’m 78 I’m doing what I can now.

As you know I wear BLM shirts every day, except for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

I will only stop doing this when I no longer hear George Floyd call for his mother when I try to sleep.

Anyway I was watching Dave Chappelle on TV and he said the only ones wearing BLM shirts are white girls.

So I started thinking. Am I a schmuck?

But when I walked my dog that very day a young black girl came over to me and said “I’ve been seeing you wear that shirt every day and every time I see you it makes me happy”

So fuck you Dave Chappelle.

Now I know you want me to react on the Depp/Heard trial.

Here it is.

They are both nuts.

Jonny had better lawyers and a better game face.

Amber lost the minute she admitted that she didn’t donate that money to charity.

Neither one should have gotten a cent.

See? This covid thing clears your mind of bullshit so you can spend your time thinking of important stuff.

Well that’s it for now but don’t worry there are world problems I am just aching to cure.

First let me tell you how my day started.

I bought a new perfume.

I sprayed it on one arm and on the other arm I sprayed my old perfume. I asked my doorman (who’s a woman) to smell both my arms and see which she liked better.

I’m so known as a weirdo in my building that when I asked the young kid who works here when he came in with his morning coffee to smell my arms, just to check, he didn’t even ask why he just smelled them

And this has already been one of my busier days.

BTW it was my old perfume that won.

I’m so mad at America now.

It’s nothing like I grew up thinking.

It’s shitty.

First of all I was pretty sure we had cured that racist and war thing in the 60’s.

Guess what ? We didn’t.

Smart phones have done a great deal in doing their job and smartening me up.

So now at 78 I’m having to get active again.

This proves that we must teach REAL history in schools so kids know what they have to fix.

Ya want to know which country I like better?

England.

Why?

Technology again.

I’m watching Britbox and seeing some of their old tv shows.

I always thought of the British as being snootier than us cause they talk snooty but on their TV shows they’ve been saying “shit” and “Jesus Christ” when they’re shocked for years while Americans have filtered the way real people speak on TV because we’re religious nuts who don’t allow “shit” on TV while we shrug our shoulders about people having guns and shooting up crowds.

And don’t be writing and telling me all the shit that the British have done because my main concern is TV.

So I’m not moving to England or anything because I do love New York City but I will start saying a lot more “shants” and “blimeys”

Well since this post is such a downer I will cheer you up with a picture of Debby helping my Super fix my air conditioner (which he didn’t fix by the way)

Me?

Well today I’m celebrating Elvis Presley’s birthday.

I just had mine on January 6th which was ruined because instead of the White house giving their usual speech about wanting to name the Bronx after me all they could talk about was something about killing democracy.

I tried to make the best of it though. I had a zoom call with my family.

And had pizza for dinner.

I didn’t ask anyone to donate to a charity in my name though.

I figured if they want to donate they can and anyway it was MY birthday and if they have any extra money they should be buying ME something.

(btw I am registered in Bloomingdales and I really had my eye on some grey slacks and I know it sounds crazy but I wouldn’t throw a tutu back in your face)

Enough about me.

Being inside for the majority of my life now due to Covid my dog has learned to totally control me.

When she wants me to go to bed she sits on my lap and stares at me until I do her bidding.

Don’t think I don’t put up a fight.

“No Debby! It’s 7:15! I have things to do!”

So I watch TV from my bed until she falls asleep so I can clean the kitchen.

I shouldn’t have said that. It might put a dent in my dog training earnings.

But who could stand up to this?

Some people say it’s because of the nonrefundable down payment of $150.

I think they’re wrong. I have overhead you know.

I don’t live here free.

And while those mutts are in training ya gotta feed’em.

Not a lot because they’ve got to have something to look forward to if they do what I say.

As I said my school was a bust so I only give pet training advice to family or friends AT NO COST!

Obviously I will accept nominal gifts of cash or small luxury items as a thank you.

For example, my sweet niece Stephanie just got her third dog.

Her other two were fox terriers and totally untrained dogs. They don’t even respect other dogs.

Anyway they were short haired dogs so shedding wasn’t a problem.

Her new dog however is some kind of lion or something and she came to me for advice on how to train this guy, his name is Francois or Pierre or some such french thing, not to go on the furniture.

You know, the shedding.

I have spent the past few weeks tirelessly teaching Lancelot to stay off the furniture even though his brother and sister can do whatever the fuck they want.

I’m proud to say I have been successful. It wasn’t easy but I may take my school off the back burner.

Wait…. I just got a text..from Steph…Oh good It’s some photos..

Back to the drawing board.

Anyone want to learn how to tap dance?

Which is a lucky thing since I hate to leave my house.

Fortunately I am absolutely great at it.

I don’t cook as much as I used to but I make up for that by ordering from the finest restaurants.

And I don’t drop a stitch when it comes to keeping the vibes first class.

Cloth napkins always and candlelight in the evenings are de rigueur.

I keep an eye on the conversation too.

No negative vibes.

Not at my table!

Say one of my friends brings up an unbecoming hairdo that another friend wore at a get together.

I immediately turn the story around to be a compliment like “perhaps she chose to wear that beehive so that my page boy would shine since it was a celebration of my almost leaving my house to buy socks.

If I can slip the word “shant” into it I will consider my comment gold.

Just yesterday my nephew Matthew slept over.

Since he would be here for lunch I invited his sister Julie to join us. You must have heard me mention them, the Klams.

The lunch was glorious as per usual. Conversation, perfection. We even touched on all our hopes that a remake of The Mikado with an all kitten cast would soon be mentioned on one of the Bravo shows.

We took a few pictures for your pleasure.

I can’t say much is going on here.

Oh wait! I did get lightbulbs today.

I’d like to say that Covid is effecting my usual hectic life but I was practicing Covid when Covid was just an idea in some Nazi’s mind.

If I didn’t have a dog that wanted walks I wouldn’t even notice the seasons changing.

Don’t think I don’t get invited places.

I have a very pleasing personality.

Why just the other day I was invited to a pizza party but when I hesitated they invited someone else and rescinded my invite.

Maybe my personality isn’t as good as I thought it was.

I don’t have a lot of friends.

Actually only 2.

I’m not sure I want any more.

They’d probably want me to see them.

My one friend, I don’t want to mention names (Ronnie) spends her days with her head up her husband’s ass.

He not only expects but GETS 3 meals a day, presented attractively.

So she’s no problem. She almost never wants to see me.

My other friend Susan is more gregarious.

She’s been hocking me to go to some dim sim restaurant that’s A CAB RIDE AWAY for a million years. Not only is the distance a problem, what the hell is dim sim? Not specific enough for me.

I know I’m gonna hate it and as I’ve said before Susan would rather I call her daughters whores than say I don’t like a restaurant she’s picked.

So if you were thinking of applying to be a friend of mine, forget it.

Oh shit! Debbie is hinting to go out by throwing herself against the door.

“Your wish is my command, My Lady”

Now Zen!

She thinks she’s doing the worm.

My nephew Jacob is staying with me this week,

Look. how cute he is.

When he got here last night I gave him a lovely dinner but first I offered him a cocktail.

He didn’t really want anything so I asked if maybe a beer would do it?

I looked in the refrigerator (or icebox as I call it) and took out a nice cold one.

“I’m not sure what brand it is. Will this do?”

He looked at the can and said “That beer has been in your refrigerator for as long as I can remember”.

A little insulted I said “Beer doesn’t have an expiration date”

Examining the back of the can he said (In what I consider a snotty know it all voice) “This one does 2019”.

I remember my sisters and I laughing at all the old things in my mother’s icebox.

I just know she’s up there saying “Not so funny any more is it?”

Now Zen of Debby working on her tan while I lick my wounds.

So a guy comes to my apartment claiming to be a plumber.

He said he heard that I was having some plumbing problems.

Since my brain is like chicken fried rice I assumed that I had complained about my plumbing.

What I should have done was asked my Super, Lester, who this guy was but I had just called him fuck face and threatened to go to Florida to kill his parents because he suggested that he was going to turn off the a/c last week.

So you can guess that that wasn’t an option.

Plus the guy had a hat on that said “Plummer” so I figured he was okay.

I was watching the “Married 2 Medicine Reunion part 2” (not to be missed) so I didn’t pay much attention to him.

BAD MISTAKE!!

Later on I check to see if I have any more applications for my dog training school ($150 no refund application fee)

And what do I find?

Fuckin’ Snopes posted pictures on my website with the red letters FRAUD on it.

Sure Debby likes to rearrange the sofa cushions at n night but who doesn’t?

Giving a dog choices for dinner is only logical. Here’s chicken, turkey and streak. She’s a picky eater. See she hasn’t touched any of them.

Look plenty of people like to eat in bed.

.

Maybe today’s zen isn’t such a good idea.

Lucky thing I put “No refund” on the application fee.

Yes it’s true. I have gotten dumber but I’ve also gotten way more charming and entertaining.

This post will be a photo essay of how my covid time was well spent improving my persona.

My home is now open up for family visits.

Mostly the Klam family so far.

Of course Brian used this time to put his name on the things he’ll want when I kick off.

Of course having all this company means Debby and I have loads of prep work.

Here we are shopping in Whole Foods.

You may be surprised to see her here because as you know she was banned after jumping out of the cart and biting a “service dog”. Some service dog. It was a cocker spaniel or something.

Well I got around that by cleverly disguising her with a red halter instead of a pink one.

Anyway back to my main subject. How I spent this year honing my tap dancing and mime skills.

Her are some of the Klams mesmerized my my “being locked in a glass box” while singing the theme from “Jaws”

I am available for parties.

Zen

Debby doing dishes after our company left.