Guess who came over last night.

David, my old neighbor!  It really was so good to see him.

I’ve always been kind of proud of myself for liking him even though he’s the worst person I’ve ever known but on this visit David called his friend who makes him seem like Mother Teresa.

More about that later.

When he called and said he’d be in town and would come over for a drink I warned him that I had a new dog who doesn’t always welcome strangers.

Debbie is a complicated personality.

When you first come in, especially if you’re male, she will try to kill you. She’ll jump on you and attempt to bite you.

If you don’t make any sudden moves and just sit down quietly she will lull you into a kind of  comfort and sit with you and even kiss you.

She might even take a little nap near you.

In fact even if you insult her she will be quite playful

If you misread that you are home safe it will be at your own peril.

Only a fool will try to go to the bathroom or scratch their head and expect to do so unscathed.

Anyway it was wonderful seeing David.

He’s had his fill with Texas. Not for any reason that a human being would have their fill of Texas like their gun laws and shit but because he isn’t getting enough yucks there.

We were reminiscing about the people we knew and his friend David L. came up. I won’t mention his last name mainly because I won’t be saying anything good about him and he might have family that loves him and would take offense. I doubt it but anything is possible.

I knew David L. only though texts etc. Through the years he’s given me a few laughs and since we were on our second drinks I suggested we give him a call which we did.

He seemed pleased that David and I were together again.

I explained that

“Since trump’s election I found that David wasn’t a funny aberration but a large part of the country so we’d lost touch. But we’re back together again”

I was pleased to add that David did not vote for trump and felt that weapons of war should not be on the streets. He also said guns shouldn’t be sold to ” loonies, children, felons and people on the no fly list.”

He wanted me to add one other no gun person but I can’t write it because I’m not a complete animal.

He’s almost acceptable except he’s okay with almost anything if it puts money in his pocket.  And I mean anything. He’s also a gun carrying bigot who hated Obama with a passion.

I take it back. He isn’t acceptable.

I have to keep reminding myself that he was so good to me when dave ran away.

Anyway David L. says “Well I did vote for trump and I think he’s doing a great job.”

“You can’t really mean that”

“Sure do.”

He had more to say but I was too busy gagging to hear him

This guy lives in California. One of the good states. I wonder if he has any friends.

Sure money isn’t as loose as it could be but that has nothing to do with my new plan.

When you find something you’re good at that you really enjoy doing you should make that your calling.

And why not make a few bucks at it.

I’ve decided to open a dog training academy.

I’ve had Debbie for a few weeks.

When she came she was quiet and clung to me constantly. She spent the day sleeping and watching me.

Under my tutelage she is a new dog.

She’s able to express herself and spread her wings.

You shouldn’t have to “guess” what a well trained dog is feeling.

For example: If I go out and leave her home, when I return I see that she has gone through the garbage and kicked around her wee wee pads so they become a wet crinkly ball on the other side of the room as if t say “I too like and outing even if you’re going to the dentist.

She should have the freedom to relax with no one bothering her.

Stretching until she finds just the right position.

If I had started training sooner I could have saved a load of money on a new dishwasher.

Now my plates are clean without wasting water and electricity.

I’m not sure I can take credit for all of her improvements though. Some of her traits are just true to the breed.

For example thriftiness. She hides things on and in my bed.

The other day I saw what I thought was a doody on my Ralph Lauren quilt.

But no, it was a clump of Mighty Dog beef.

That little rascal was saving it for later.

I will take students through my Facebook account (get it? Free adverts)

Every dog is a new experience.

Especially rescue dogs.

You don’t know what their lives were like before and what made them the way they are.

Ray and Debbie are very different.

Ray was very slow to love me.

Debbie acts like I walk on water.

Ray loved men.

Debbie hates them.

Ray was fat and mushy

Debbie skinny and leggy

But here’s how they are alike.

They are both perfect for me.

Now that the Debster feels at home she is just great.

I worried about her with visitors but it’s no problem at all. She jumps up on them when they come in then sits on their laps and kisses them.

Yesterday we had a lot of company.

Miss Liz was in town and got to meet her. It was love at first site.

She stuck with her until our other two friends Karola and Andrea came over.

We all went out to lunch after which Deb and I had a nap.

Such an excellent nap in fact that we didn’t wake up in time for our routine Sunday dinner company Julie, Dan and Violet.

My 2 wine spritzers at lunch may have had something to do with it but what was Deb’s excuse?

Anyway she again welcomed her visitors with love and affection

How she is with toddlers I still don’t know but frankly I never met a toddler I liked so who cares.

As long as she greets me like this when she hears my voice.

.

The biting doesn’t seem to be much of an issue any more. She kisses my doorman whenever we go out.

She seems to be more at home.

Since I am a strict disciplinarian at heart I decided that I’m not going to let Debbie trap me into staying home and not enjoying my life.

Therefore I went to Brooklyn yesterday to spend my favorite day which is lunch  and a mani pedi with Susan.

It was glorious. We laughed, complained and just bad talked everyone in our lives. I didn’t rush home because, like I said, I’m not going to be some dog’s slave.

When I walked in the door I was greeted with leaps and screams and licks galore.

When I used to come home to Ray he barely looked up from the couch.

“This is  nice” I thought.

Then I started looking around.

“Weren’t those pillows on the couch when I left?”

“Wait, wasn’t that gift on the dining room table? And I’m sure that the bag wasn’t torn”

I walked into my office.

“Why would I leave my comb on the floor?”

And then I looked at her on the bed with her porcupine.

I could be wrong but did her expression say,

“I hope you had a good time with Susan. Oh btw how much do you like that new TV? I hope it doesn’t totter off the dresser when you aren’t home to watch it.”

”

I kept thinking thinking thinking.

I had a lot on my mind. I’m not going to name them all. Just the tip of the iceberg so to speak.

First of all taxes. I handed in my personal taxes but for some reason the corporate taxes are delayed.

That involves dave so I’m gonna have to contact him on the matter. That always gives me the willies.

Every morning my sister calls me at 8 a.m.

Here’s a picture of Marcia so you can put a face to what I’m telling you.

It’s an important call because I get to discuss how I’m feeling:

Me: “I’m dying”

Her; “No you’re not.”

Me;  “Whew”

And what our plans are for the day.

Her: Going on a hike. Healing her friend who’s going on a hike. BTW she’s a healer.

Me: emailing dave and trying to get my head around that John Cena break up just before his wedding to the greatest girl anyone could want. (see any news site anywhere).

And what’s buggin’ me.

Today was a big one. I began.

“Marcia, as you know my two favorite singers are Bob Dylan and Nina Simone. I love them both.

But how the fuck do either of them belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?”

Her: “You know what Billy Joel says, “It’s all rock and roll to me”.

Me: Oh

And my second problem,

Say I have my usual group for Thanksgiving, from 20 to 40 people, how is my little little dog, (see photo)

She’s there under the blankets, take my word for it.

As I was saying, how is my little little dog going to be able to bite all those people?

Okay it’s time to start my day.

Time to check on either CNN or TMZ. heh heh

We arrived and it looked like it was going really well.

Except for a few scuffles she got along with Stephanie’s dogs. Actually it might have been more than a few but it wasn’t terrible.

She loved being in the country.  Remember she’s been inside mostly and she’s never been outside off the leash.

Here she is having fun with Steph and two of her dogs and her cat. The other dog was too scared to go near her cause, ya know, the scuffles.

Here she is running.

She immediately made herself at home in the house.

Laura loved her too and the feeling was mutual.

And except for one little moment where she tried to kill Stephanie’s gardener the visit was perfect.

And I don’t use the term “kill” lightly.

I’ve  known him for a long time. He set up my terrace and helped me a million times when I was at Steph’s.

The fact that he’s oh so easy on the eyes only adds to his cache.

He walked over and kissed me hello.  His mistake.

I’ve seen dogs who snap before. Ray was excellent at that.

But this wasn’t a snap. It was attempted murder.

She not only jumped up to bite him, she ran after him leaping up to seal the deal.

I know what you’re thinking.

Mattie is sorry she got that dog.

Well let me tell you.

I don’t love her one bit less.

In fact I have this new pink lipstick that makes me especially attractive and the Debster can protect me from cads and bounders.

Of course I can give up any idea of remarrying or dating or even saying hello to a man.

I can live with that.

Today is both stressful and exciting.

I’m bringing Debbie up to meet her two cousins Stephanie and Laura Rose plus dogs, horses, donkeys and cats.

We’re sleeping over.

I’m happy because I know they will love her because she’s so cute and sweet.

I’m stressed because

1.She will be going in the car for the first time since I have her.

2.She is going to a new place.  The only new place she’s ever gone other than my house was a kill shelter.

3.She’s never been outside without a leash. In fact she hasn’t been outside much even with a leash since every time I pick up the leash to walk her she hides.

4. She is paper trained.  No one in my family has ever had a dog who is paper trained. By the way “paper trained’ means she pees on the paper and and makes doody real close to the paper.

5. I am really scared she will bite Steph or Laura.  I don’t think she will but I’ve only had her for a few days.

6. I’m more scared that she will pee or something not on the paper because Steph has made it clear to me that she likes her house more than she likes me.  She did say that she will accept one (1) mistake.

I’m hoping that this will make up for any misdeeds.

She’s not bad looking and she stopped crapping all over my house but I can see that some training will be necessary.

For example;

I will have to stop looking at her constantly.  It seems to irritate her.

I will need to begin leaving the room if she’s sleeping and put aside my fear of waking her up. That will only occur during emergency like going to the bathroom or getting pie.

Although I know much of her history there are a few questions left unanswered.

In her possessions I found some badges and stuff from The Illuminati.

When I questioned her all she would do was point to letters on my keyboard spelling out “It’s not for you to know”

I’ll just leave it for now.

She does like squeaky toys.

I’ll just be content with that.

That name just doesn’t come comfortably out of my mouth.

I used to dream of having 2 little dachshunds one named Debbie and the other named Debby and since they would look alike it wouldn’t matter which one came when I called.

I will name her Debbie.

I picked her up at the pound last night.

She had been spayed and she was wearing a cone.

They told me I had to leave the cone on for 10 days.

Here she is this morning eating breakfast.

Who knew she liked chicken? They told me she just eats dry food.

Here she is watching me write this.

She slept in my bed and only got out to pee on a wee wee pad.

They told me that she bites toddlers which in my mind is a plus.

I think we’ll get along fine.

That’s what I’m writing but in my head I’m saying “YAYYYYY I LOVE HER I LOVE HER”