3/27/20 Be careful what you wish for

I guess I was getting a bit cocky but these dancing feet can’t be stopped.

The music just got to me. The music being a cd of The Ames Brothers doing “The Naughty Lady From Shady Lane”

Anyway I was just at my big finish when I let  go and did one of those flying kicks, you know where you click your heels up first on one side and then the other?

Well I guess because of my busy schedule I haven’t been keeping my place as neat as I should because though kick one went fine, on the other side I came down on one of those leftover noodles from the cup o’soup that the bitch in 19G threw at me on Tuesday and I went down like a ton of bricks or should I say a ton of Divas.

Luckily I only sprained 3 toes, a knee a wrist and a hip which wouldn’t normally stop me. The show must go on.  But the ugly bruise on my nose  will unfortunately mean a postponement of Swan Lake that I had planned for Sunday (Yes fan’s I have decided to try ballet).

I can thank my good friend Carmon DeLeone, Symphony Conductor for that.

He and his lovely wife Kathy faced timed me yesterday and that encouraged me to expand my talents.

Well that’s it for today.

I’m not sure that this is a moment of zen it’s just a clue that my rigorous dog training has become shall we say a bit lax.

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3/26/20 You’re welcome

My phone rang at around 7:30 am.

It takes me awhile to answer because I have to take off my breathing machine mask ( I snore you know) and my mouth guard (How I never was able to get another husband is beside me).

It was my niece Stephanie.

She wanted to come down and bring me back to her house until this is over.

She said I would be safe and my dog could run around.

To be truthful the only thing about this is that I have tremendous guilt about my dog. I feel like she’d like to go out. But she is paper trained and I do have a terrace.

I think she just misses people to bite.

Everything else is pretty much like my regular life.

Lying like a lump, reading, watching TV and going on Amazon and ordering shit like this piece of crap that by the way crushes nothing.

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I don’t know where they got that chopped garlic in the picture.

All mine did was flatten the cloves.

Anyway back to my conversation with Steph.

I explained that I was perfectly safe here.

Also you’ve seen the number of windows in the apartment buildings around me. How could I leave my fans?

Sure I’m risking my life but isn’t that what heroes do?

I’ve decided to limit my performances to twice a week.

Being Producer, Director, Writer and may I say “Talent” is taking it’s toll on me.

(I suspect that you know what I mean Mr Spike Lee.)

It will enable me to make the Extravaganzas greater and greater.

Plus it’s only a matter of time before that bitch in 19G runs out of liquids to pour on me so I can lose the umbrella.

I can’t even tell you how much better my tap dances will be when I can fling my arms around and snap my fingers.

Now your moment of zen

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3/24/20 My neighbors need a lesson in gratitude.

First let me give you a sense of my audience not counting the people in my building particularly in the apartments above me.

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So you see I’m bringing joy to a tremendous number of people.

I decided to give everyone a second chance, (can a Jew be made a saint? Look that up.) and begin with the bird calls again.

Which I may add is no mean feat holding a microphone in one hand and an open umbrella in the other (Cup O’Noodles) but I gave it a go.

In these terrible times when it comes to entertaining the homebound (Think Bob Hope in wartime) one must put one’s ego aside and fight on.

Look I know we don’t see a lot of rare birds on 58th street so I’ll give them that but when I start with cock a doodle do and some jerk from 59th street, I’m thinking the 11th floor shouts out “Duck” well that’s simply yards away from country bumpkin.

I moved on with my impressions. I started with Ralph Bellamy. At first , nothing. So I’m thinking “Maybe I should do someone that the kids can appreciate so I moved on with Soupy Sales (who a friend who went to bed with him said had webbed feet.).

Nothing.

Only when I decided to up my repertoire with some musical impressions.

About a stanza into Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” I received rousing applause from the Window Treatment office in the D&D building.

Of course since the D&D building is closed I’m fairly sure the guy was robbing it but an audience is and audience.

Even crooks need cheering up in these uncertain times.

Now something for your memory books when Superintendents still fixed the sinks in your apartment.

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Stay safe all.

 

3/23/20 Day Oy of Talk about yer bummers

New York City may be known for many things but gratitude and good taste aren’t two of them.

In my desire to lift up the spirits of my little corner of the world I decided to share my gifts to those house bound and hungering for entertainment.

I began as promised with my bird calls asking my neighbors from my and the surrounding buildings to shout out their guesses as to which bird I was ,very accurately if I may say so, trilling.

Well maybe you know a bird called “shut the fuck up” however I, a bird aficionado, do not.

But I wasn’t going to let the whole neighborhood suffer for one or maybe six miscreants so I continued.

I was barely into an almost perfect Wayne Newton when the bitch from 19G threw a Cup O’ Noodles on me.

Needless to say I decided to leave the tap dancing for another day.

I’m thinking for my next show I’ll lead with the dance. You know ease into the verbal entertainment.

And keep it under your hat but I’ve been working on something new. Something that will delight even those who are out of range of my microphone.

I’ve been practicing mime in front of my mirror.

I don’t want to blow my own horn but I swear you’d think I was actually IN an invisible box.

And now for your moment of zen.

on back

3/22/20 Day “huh?”of Talk About Your Bad Breaks.

Well Good news.

I found the microphone.

I plugged it in to make sure it worked. I believe I used the word “testing” twice.

Now to plan my performance.

This is new for me. I’ve always done the behind the scenes stuff. This is the first time I’ll be “Talent”.

I’ve got to fight my natural modesty and be honest.

Yes I’m an excellent tap dancer.

True my bird calls are beyond anything you can imagine.

But I also have a talent that I haven’t shown to the public. Well except for family bar mitzvahs,  weddings or an occasional seder.

I do impressions. Here’s one.

“Stella! Hey Stella”

That one leaves them in the aisles. I do it and all heads turn looking for….you guess it… Ray Milland.

Anyway it looks like this thing is gonna last for a while so I have time to really polish the act.

who am I kidding, It’s polished.

I’m gonna go out on my terrace later on today and give ’em a little taste of  what they have to look forward to for the rest of this tragedy.

I think I’ll start with a few bird calls and let people shout through their windows what bird they think it is. Same with the impressions.

I’ll wind it up with a little tap.

My terrace is on the 18th floor with lots of building around it so I should be bringing joy to a great many people.

We must all pull together in this terrible time and do what we can.

Now a lovely photo of Debby getting her first bath in a year.

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3/21/20 Day something in this Science Fiction Movie

You all know me as a giver.

Well this tragedy that we are living through has only increased that in me.

People are getting tired of watching TV and polishing their nails.

They are pining for live entertainment.

It is for that reason I have decided to one up our talented friends in Italy and expand my “Terrace Extravaganza” from simply tap dancing to …. well you’ll have to see.

I am going to spend today going through that closet in my den where there is still some of the shit dave left.

I’m pretty sure there’s a microphone in there.

Stay tuned.

I will close today’s message with a nice picture of the Debster.

cute

3/20/20 Day something of Doomsday

You learn a lot about yourself when you’re locked in your house with no company except a very attractive dog.

For example one thing I found that I’m not is gregarious.

I don’t mind being home alone at all. As most of you know I am constantly cracking myself up.

It’s like living with Henny Youngman.

And trading one husband for a series of dogs and one cat (may he rest in peace) has turned into a plus.

I don’t have to “look busy”.

Debby thinks that lying like a lox and watching TV is not only not a “waste of time”, it’s perfecto!  Just what we were born to do.

I can keep my house at the temperature I like because I’m not a skinny pussy that’s “always cold” and needs the heat on high.

Of course there are some drawbacks about living alone. My family worries about me.

The other day I even had to to jump off the toilet to answer the phone because if I don’t they’ll think I’m dead.

However I’ve become mucho creative.

I devised my own game of “Where’s Waldo”.

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Go ahead. See of you can find her.

 

3/18/20 I’m gonna write a bit more often…

While I still can.

After all I’m 76 and have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

I’m being careful though.

I only go out once a day to walk my dog.

While I’m walking I scream at all the workmen I pass “Don’t be kissing me?”

Sure they have puzzled looks on their faces now but pretty soon old people will be like pedal pushers. They’ll be very rare and a delight to come upon.

I’m just jumping ahead of the curve.

Who knows when I’ll see anyone in my family.

I tried face time with Julie the other day but if you’re not used to it it isn’t a comfortable experienced.

We just looked at each other trying to think of something momentous to say.

I did learn one thing. If I do it again I’m going to comb my hair.

I will end this with a lovely picture of my doorman (who’s no longer allowed to touch or look at me) in better days with Debby dressed to the nines.

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3/17/20 The end is near

Nah it isn’t really but it did get your attention.

Although life is certainly different.

I’m doing what I can to get us through this. It isn’t easy with Bravo not recording any new episodes etc.

After watching that opera singer in Italy singing on his balcony to raves and applause and hearing my friend Claudia Glaser Mussen, who’s the best singer I know and I know Paul Simon, state that she’s going to sing on her balcony to entertain the neighbors I realized it was my civic duty to give back.

I’ve been tap dancing on my terrace for the last half hour. You’re welcome 58th Street.

As another good will thing I encouraged people in these down times to read my blog from the beginning.

That may seem self serving but as you know no one cracks me up like me so in my mind it’s an act of charity.

Yep I’ve always been a giver. In fact just to cheer everyone up in these trying times I tried to take a picture of Debby wearing glasses but that didn’t work out.

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So here she is just waking up and asking me where I get the nerve to try that shit with her.

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That’s all I have for you today.

tap tap tappity tap.

1118. Dinner with the worst person I know

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Yes David has moved back to the northeast.

We had a lovely dinner the other night.

He’s completely changed for the better.

Just kidding. He’s the same right wing piece of shit he always was.

He spent the first part of the meal complaining that he couldn’t bring his handguns back from Texas for 2 reasons.

  1. They’re a bit touchy here about  being armed in the supermarket here and,
  2. His guns were stolen in Texas.

He said if he had been home when the robber came in he’d have “shot’im dead”. And the cop who took his statement made it clear that he would have had no choice but to do just that.

The rest of the meal was spent with him regaling me with stories about the women that he’d “charmed” into bed and his disappointment in the dames that are hanging around in the bars in Connecticut. That’s where he  lives now but he’s moving to Manhattan as soon as his present lease is up. I guess because that’s where all the sluts live.

He still lets racial and religious slurs flop from his mouth on occasion but there is one thing that saves him

He didn’t vote for donald trump and he will vote for any Democrat that runs in 2020.