First let me tell you how my day started.

I bought a new perfume.

I sprayed it on one arm and on the other arm I sprayed my old perfume. I asked my doorman (who’s a woman) to smell both my arms and see which she liked better.

I’m so known as a weirdo in my building that when I asked the young kid who works here when he came in with his morning coffee to smell my arms, just to check, he didn’t even ask why he just smelled them

And this has already been one of my busier days.

BTW it was my old perfume that won.

I’m so mad at America now.

It’s nothing like I grew up thinking.

It’s shitty.

First of all I was pretty sure we had cured that racist and war thing in the 60’s.

Guess what ? We didn’t.

Smart phones have done a great deal in doing their job and smartening me up.

So now at 78 I’m having to get active again.

This proves that we must teach REAL history in schools so kids know what they have to fix.

Ya want to know which country I like better?

England.

Why?

Technology again.

I’m watching Britbox and seeing some of their old tv shows.

I always thought of the British as being snootier than us cause they talk snooty but on their TV shows they’ve been saying “shit” and “Jesus Christ” when they’re shocked for years while Americans have filtered the way real people speak on TV because we’re religious nuts who don’t allow “shit” on TV while we shrug our shoulders about people having guns and shooting up crowds.

And don’t be writing and telling me all the shit that the British have done because my main concern is TV.

So I’m not moving to England or anything because I do love New York City but I will start saying a lot more “shants” and “blimeys”

Well since this post is such a downer I will cheer you up with a picture of Debby helping my Super fix my air conditioner (which he didn’t fix by the way)

Me?

Well today I’m celebrating Elvis Presley’s birthday.

I just had mine on January 6th which was ruined because instead of the White house giving their usual speech about wanting to name the Bronx after me all they could talk about was something about killing democracy.

I tried to make the best of it though. I had a zoom call with my family.

And had pizza for dinner.

I didn’t ask anyone to donate to a charity in my name though.

I figured if they want to donate they can and anyway it was MY birthday and if they have any extra money they should be buying ME something.

(btw I am registered in Bloomingdales and I really had my eye on some grey slacks and I know it sounds crazy but I wouldn’t throw a tutu back in your face)

Enough about me.

Being inside for the majority of my life now due to Covid my dog has learned to totally control me.

When she wants me to go to bed she sits on my lap and stares at me until I do her bidding.

Don’t think I don’t put up a fight.

“No Debby! It’s 7:15! I have things to do!”

So I watch TV from my bed until she falls asleep so I can clean the kitchen.

I shouldn’t have said that. It might put a dent in my dog training earnings.

But who could stand up to this?

Some people say it’s because of the nonrefundable down payment of $150.

I think they’re wrong. I have overhead you know.

I don’t live here free.

And while those mutts are in training ya gotta feed’em.

Not a lot because they’ve got to have something to look forward to if they do what I say.

As I said my school was a bust so I only give pet training advice to family or friends AT NO COST!

Obviously I will accept nominal gifts of cash or small luxury items as a thank you.

For example, my sweet niece Stephanie just got her third dog.

Her other two were fox terriers and totally untrained dogs. They don’t even respect other dogs.

Anyway they were short haired dogs so shedding wasn’t a problem.

Her new dog however is some kind of lion or something and she came to me for advice on how to train this guy, his name is Francois or Pierre or some such french thing, not to go on the furniture.

You know, the shedding.

I have spent the past few weeks tirelessly teaching Lancelot to stay off the furniture even though his brother and sister can do whatever the fuck they want.

I’m proud to say I have been successful. It wasn’t easy but I may take my school off the back burner.

Wait…. I just got a text..from Steph…Oh good It’s some photos..

Back to the drawing board.

Anyone want to learn how to tap dance?

Which is a lucky thing since I hate to leave my house.

Fortunately I am absolutely great at it.

I don’t cook as much as I used to but I make up for that by ordering from the finest restaurants.

And I don’t drop a stitch when it comes to keeping the vibes first class.

Cloth napkins always and candlelight in the evenings are de rigueur.

I keep an eye on the conversation too.

No negative vibes.

Not at my table!

Say one of my friends brings up an unbecoming hairdo that another friend wore at a get together.

I immediately turn the story around to be a compliment like “perhaps she chose to wear that beehive so that my page boy would shine since it was a celebration of my almost leaving my house to buy socks.

If I can slip the word “shant” into it I will consider my comment gold.

Just yesterday my nephew Matthew slept over.

Since he would be here for lunch I invited his sister Julie to join us. You must have heard me mention them, the Klams.

The lunch was glorious as per usual. Conversation, perfection. We even touched on all our hopes that a remake of The Mikado with an all kitten cast would soon be mentioned on one of the Bravo shows.

We took a few pictures for your pleasure.

I can’t say much is going on here.

Oh wait! I did get lightbulbs today.

I’d like to say that Covid is effecting my usual hectic life but I was practicing Covid when Covid was just an idea in some Nazi’s mind.

If I didn’t have a dog that wanted walks I wouldn’t even notice the seasons changing.

Don’t think I don’t get invited places.

I have a very pleasing personality.

Why just the other day I was invited to a pizza party but when I hesitated they invited someone else and rescinded my invite.

Maybe my personality isn’t as good as I thought it was.

I don’t have a lot of friends.

Actually only 2.

I’m not sure I want any more.

They’d probably want me to see them.

My one friend, I don’t want to mention names (Ronnie) spends her days with her head up her husband’s ass.

He not only expects but GETS 3 meals a day, presented attractively.

So she’s no problem. She almost never wants to see me.

My other friend Susan is more gregarious.

She’s been hocking me to go to some dim sim restaurant that’s A CAB RIDE AWAY for a million years. Not only is the distance a problem, what the hell is dim sim? Not specific enough for me.

I know I’m gonna hate it and as I’ve said before Susan would rather I call her daughters whores than say I don’t like a restaurant she’s picked.

So if you were thinking of applying to be a friend of mine, forget it.

Oh shit! Debbie is hinting to go out by throwing herself against the door.

“Your wish is my command, My Lady”

Now Zen!

She thinks she’s doing the worm.

My nephew Jacob is staying with me this week,

Look. how cute he is.

When he got here last night I gave him a lovely dinner but first I offered him a cocktail.

He didn’t really want anything so I asked if maybe a beer would do it?

I looked in the refrigerator (or icebox as I call it) and took out a nice cold one.

“I’m not sure what brand it is. Will this do?”

He looked at the can and said “That beer has been in your refrigerator for as long as I can remember”.

A little insulted I said “Beer doesn’t have an expiration date”

Examining the back of the can he said (In what I consider a snotty know it all voice) “This one does 2019”.

I remember my sisters and I laughing at all the old things in my mother’s icebox.

I just know she’s up there saying “Not so funny any more is it?”

Now Zen of Debby working on her tan while I lick my wounds.

So a guy comes to my apartment claiming to be a plumber.

He said he heard that I was having some plumbing problems.

Since my brain is like chicken fried rice I assumed that I had complained about my plumbing.

What I should have done was asked my Super, Lester, who this guy was but I had just called him fuck face and threatened to go to Florida to kill his parents because he suggested that he was going to turn off the a/c last week.

So you can guess that that wasn’t an option.

Plus the guy had a hat on that said “Plummer” so I figured he was okay.

I was watching the “Married 2 Medicine Reunion part 2” (not to be missed) so I didn’t pay much attention to him.

BAD MISTAKE!!

Later on I check to see if I have any more applications for my dog training school ($150 no refund application fee)

And what do I find?

Fuckin’ Snopes posted pictures on my website with the red letters FRAUD on it.

Sure Debby likes to rearrange the sofa cushions at n night but who doesn’t?

Giving a dog choices for dinner is only logical. Here’s chicken, turkey and streak. She’s a picky eater. See she hasn’t touched any of them.

Look plenty of people like to eat in bed.

.

Maybe today’s zen isn’t such a good idea.

Lucky thing I put “No refund” on the application fee.

Yes it’s true. I have gotten dumber but I’ve also gotten way more charming and entertaining.

This post will be a photo essay of how my covid time was well spent improving my persona.

My home is now open up for family visits.

Mostly the Klam family so far.

Of course Brian used this time to put his name on the things he’ll want when I kick off.

Of course having all this company means Debby and I have loads of prep work.

Here we are shopping in Whole Foods.

You may be surprised to see her here because as you know she was banned after jumping out of the cart and biting a “service dog”. Some service dog. It was a cocker spaniel or something.

Well I got around that by cleverly disguising her with a red halter instead of a pink one.

Anyway back to my main subject. How I spent this year honing my tap dancing and mime skills.

Her are some of the Klams mesmerized my my “being locked in a glass box” while singing the theme from “Jaws”

I am available for parties.

Zen

Debby doing dishes after our company left.

I’ve accepted the fact that I like Reality shows even if the rest of my family finds it creepy. But this morning I woke up saying aloud,

“If Frank wasn’t fulfilling all Delores’ social needs she wouldn’t be so happy with David”

Look I know you don’t know what I’m talking about and that’s okay.

Here’s my problem I can’t figure out how to comment on the fan sites ergo I am forced to scream my reactions in my house.

Luckily I live alone so the only one it disturbs is my dog who doesn’t mind because she watches those shows too.

Not only am I getting dumber I’m getting crazier.

I hate to leave my house.

I am thrilled to have as many people visit me as want to but they’d better not invite me back.

Luckily no one has offered that invite.

I had such a good time the other night.

A few of the cats and my best friends came over.

Dave and Ronnie Taylor and Allan and Susan Schwartzberg.

I probably never mentioned it but Dave Taylor is the guy who made me carry his GIANT BASS TROMBONE because he claimed to have a bad something.

Anyway I tried my best to be charming and entertaining while they were here so I let Al and Dave read a dirty letter that my ex’s girlfriend wrote him that he stupidly left on his computer.

All it did was make them impressed with my ex.

If I want them to come back I’m gonna have to come up with another draw.

I wonder how they feel about tap dancing?

Here’s some zen. One of my doormen with the princess

APRIL FOOLS! I was!

Debby and I were walking back from the supermarket when I spied a wallet on the street,

I opened it up.

It had lots of money, credit cards and driver’s license inside.

Did I turn around and rush to TJMAXX with my newfound wealth?

No I did not!

Why?

Because I’m what??

That’s right a hero.

First I called information to find the phone number of the person at that address.

I called the number but no answer.

I knew I could mail it to him but then he’d have already cancelled his cards etc.

So what did I do?

I used my big brain and realized that since he had a Chase card they may be able to contact him.

So I limped 4 blocks on my pathetic knees to a Chase Bank.

BTW this made my hero status even greater.

The guy at Chase had his cell number and called it.

Unfortunately every time he answered and heard an unfamiliar voice he hung up.

After about 45 minutes we emailed him with my cell number and we got in touch.

He was on his way to get his vaccination and hadn’t realized that he’d lost his wallet.

Again BTW not that I’m bragging but this moved my plain old hero status up to medical emergency status.

Since I had to go home because my groceries were melting I told him to pick up his wallet there.

He sent his girlfriend to do it and bring it down to the vaccination sight.

When he got it he sent a thank you text with a lot of !!!

I wrote back that his girlfriend was lovely.

And he wrote back that she loved my BLM shirt.

I don’t know if it makes a difference that I helped someone who wasn’t wearing a MAGA hat but it did to me.

Was this too boring to write about?

To make up for that my Super was changing the filters in my a/c’s this morning and for your zen here’s some photos of Debby helping.