988. OR…. maybe it can go both ways

We arrived and it looked like it was going really well.

Except for a few scuffles she got along with Stephanie’s dogs. Actually it might have been more than a few but it wasn’t terrible.

She loved being in the country.  Remember she’s been inside mostly and she’s never been outside off the leash.

Here she is having fun with Steph and two of her dogs and her cat. The other dog was too scared to go near her cause, ya know, the scuffles.

having fun

Here she is running.

She immediately made herself at home in the house.


Laura loved her too and the feeling was mutual.


And except for one little moment where she tried to kill Stephanie’s gardener the visit was perfect.

And I don’t use the term “kill” lightly.

I’ve  known him for a long time. He set up my terrace and helped me a million times when I was at Steph’s.

The fact that he’s oh so easy on the eyes only adds to his cache.

He walked over and kissed me hello.  His mistake.

I’ve seen dogs who snap before. Ray was excellent at that.

But this wasn’t a snap. It was attempted murder.

She not only jumped up to bite him, she ran after him leaping up to seal the deal.

I know what you’re thinking.

Mattie is sorry she got that dog.

Well let me tell you.

I don’t love her one bit less.

In fact I have this new pink lipstick that makes me especially attractive and the Debster can protect me from cads and bounders.

Of course I can give up any idea of remarrying or dating or even saying hello to a man.

I can live with that.

987. This could go either way

Today is both stressful and exciting.

I’m bringing Debbie up to meet her two cousins Stephanie and Laura Rose plus dogs, horses, donkeys and cats.

We’re sleeping over.

I’m happy because I know they will love her because she’s so cute and sweet.

I’m stressed because

1.She will be going in the car for the first time since I have her.

2.She is going to a new place.  The only new place she’s ever gone other than my house was a kill shelter.

3.She’s never been outside without a leash. In fact she hasn’t been outside much even with a leash since every time I pick up the leash to walk her she hides.

4. She is paper trained.  No one in my family has ever had a dog who is paper trained. By the way “paper trained’ means she pees on the paper and and makes doody real close to the paper.

5. I am really scared she will bite Steph or Laura.  I don’t think she will but I’ve only had her for a few days.

6. I’m more scared that she will pee or something not on the paper because Steph has made it clear to me that she likes her house more than she likes me.  She did say that she will accept one (1) mistake.

I’m hoping that this will make up for any misdeeds.


986. So I got this dog



She’s not bad looking and she stopped crapping all over my house but I can see that some training will be necessary.

For example;

I will have to stop looking at her constantly.  It seems to irritate her.

I will need to begin leaving the room if she’s sleeping and put aside my fear of waking her up. That will only occur during emergency like going to the bathroom or getting pie.

Although I know much of her history there are a few questions left unanswered.

In her possessions I found some badges and stuff from The Illuminati.

When I questioned her all she would do was point to letters on my keyboard spelling out “It’s not for you to know”

I’ll just leave it for now.

She does like squeaky toys.

I’ll just be content with that.

985. Remember I told you I was getting a dog named Amy?

That name just doesn’t come comfortably out of my mouth.

I used to dream of having 2 little dachshunds one named Debbie and the other named Debby and since they would look alike it wouldn’t matter which one came when I called.

I will name her Debbie.

I picked her up at the pound last night.

She had been spayed and she was wearing a cone.IMG_0333

They told me I had to leave the cone on for 10 days.

Here she is this morning eating breakfast.IMG_0334

Who knew she liked chicken? They told me she just eats dry food.

Here she is watching me write this.


She slept in my bed and only got out to pee on a wee wee pad.

They told me that she bites toddlers which in my mind is a plus.

I think we’ll get along fine.

That’s what I’m writing but in my head I’m saying “YAYYYYY I LOVE HER I LOVE HER”

984. A story of me being an asshole but it worked out ok anyway

My sister and I are creatures of habit.

We love each other so much and we know what makes us happy.

She’s in NYC now.

We do what we always do.

She has lunch with Julie.  I pick her up and bring her home to my house.


Go out to our favorite restaurant, Club A on my block where we have the same thing we always have.

Red wine that Marcia picks.

Lobster, shrimp and crab meat appetizer.

one free mushroom ravioli

filet mignon, potatoes and mushrooms.  When Ray was alive we would order the big filet so I could bring the leftovers home to him but sadly we get the small one now.

Free dessert.

We were being so happy and smiling when out of the corner of my eye I noticed the table in the middle of the room.

It was 3 young people glued to their phones. I watched them for a good 15 minutes, just time enough for me to have my second glass of wine. They were still not speaking.

I got up and went over to their table.  Marcia didn’t even blink. They looked up.

“Feel free to tell me to mind my own business but I’ve been watching you for awhile. You obviously like each other enough to go out and eat in this expensive restaurant but you haven’t spoken to each other or looked up from your phones once since you sat down.”

They laughed and said “You’re right” and put their phones away.

I noticed them talking for the rest of the night but I tried not to look at them since Marcia said I probably ruined their whole dinner.

As we were leaving Marcia went up to them and said

“Please excuse my buttinsky  sister”

The oldest of the three said “No She was right. We weren’t putting our priorities straight.

Let’s take a picture together”


Now I know that Julie and Stephanie are cringing right now but they should keep in mind.

I’m getting older and nuttier.

I’ve embarrassed them before and I’ll embarrass them again.

983. Woe is me

You people know I’m not a complainer.

Well I am but today was the worst day of my life.

I know what you’re saying.

“You’ve lost family members.”

“Your husband got a girlfriend and left you when you were already wrinkled”

“You thought you’d look good in the new blouse you bought”

I can’t name all the sorrow I’ve suffered

And don’t think I don’t take all that into consideration but…..

Let me start at the beginning.

As I might have mentioned I am ambivalent about getting another dog.

I am feeling very free to do whatever I want which is stupid since I never do anything but if something comes up I can do it.

But and it’s a big but I miss something furry to hug and kiss.

I was staring at the wall yesterday trying to decide whether to wear my Hillary tee shirt or my sequin gown when Julie called.

“Did you see my text?”


“Look at it.”

It was a picture of the best looking smiling dachshund ever.  She was under 10 pounds and she was in a kill shelter in Brooklyn.

I didn’t have to think twice (well i did but let’s forget that ) “Let’s get her”

Julie rushed over and we jumped in the car to begin the thousand mile drive to the asshole of Brooklyn .

On the way Julie got a text from the pound that she was still available.

My lips were pursed all the way ready for kissing.

I also practiced saying “Yvonne, that’s what I’d name her, let’s go out and stretch our legs” Get it? She’s got short legs.

With the traffic and everything it took us forever to get there. We arrived  and rushed inside only to be told that she was adopted 20 minutes before.

We slowly walked out with our eyes wet and our heads bowed.

Sure, we told each other, we’re glad she found a home, but why oh why wasn’t it with us?

It took us even longer to get home and it wasn’t a pleasant ride. We were bemoaning (the only word I could think of) over and over.

All I had to eat, other than my lunch before I left, were some old gummy bears that were in my glove compartment for emergencies.

If this wasn’t one than the word “emergency” has no meaning.

There was so much traffic that we didn’t get to Julie’s house until dinner time. Since I was planning to eat dinner there we spent hours looking for a space only finding one several blocks away.

As we were limping to Julie’s house, her with her fucked up foot and me with my … whatever, I noticed a space right across the street from her house.

The gods were laughing at us.

I wish I could write a happy ending for this story.

Wait! The dinner was good.

I had pie.

982. Who Says I Can’t Still Get a Man?

I’m on my way to TJMaxx. I need a few things.

Waiting for the light to change I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around. It’s a guy who lives on my block.

I can’t say time has been kind to him. He walks with a cane and he appears to have given his teeth up for Lent.

“Barbara?” he asks

“No Mattie”

“How do I know you.?”

“Well you’ve lived on my block for  40 years. I once drove you to Queens. I usually  have a dog with me.”

“How’s your husband?”

“He ran away”

“Listen Barbara, I was invited to a wedding. Wanna go?”

“I’m so sorry I can’t”

“You sure?”


He didn’t say anything he just turned and  left.

I still got it.

981. About A Dog

David called me the other day to tell me that  he’s dating a Jewish girl.

I’m so glad to hear it in spite of the fact that by the third date she’s gonna have to say 100 Jewish prayers and eat 1000 pieces of gefilte fish to make up form dating him after he “accidentally” tells her about his feelings that Jews are cheap because they’re “good with money” which she should take as a compliment since he would no sooner say that Mexicans are thrifty than that Jews are lazy,

This will be a slight change in our convo since I’m sick to death about hearing about his one Jewish friend ‘Something” Stein who lives in some jewish sounding town. I forget the name. I think it’s Kiketown, Texas.

Speaking of dogs, David keeps suggesting that I get another dog. I’m thinking about it.

ONLY THINKING so don’t start sending me pictures of dogs.

Here’s what I’m thinking.

  1. I feel much freer now.  When people (I only have Susan, Ronnie and my family that would fall into my ‘people’ catagory) want me to do something first I hesitate then I realize that I don’t have anything tying me down so I can go.
  2. I can get the smaller steak because I don’t have to bring home some steak to my dog.
  3. When I had the flu I was so glad that I didn’t have a dog looking at me wanting to go out.

If I got a dog (I’m going to call him/her ‘it” for ease in writing this.

1 It would have to be little enough to fit in a bag so I could bring it with me everywhere because I’m crazy.

2. It would have to be lazy and want to lie around and not ask for too much activity because unlike the David’s Jews, I’m lazy.

3. It would have to want to sleep in my bed. I miss Ray every night.

4. It would have to have a terrible life so it would be glad to be with me. It took Ray a long time to love me and when I told Stephanie that she said “Maybe he didn’t think you saved him, maybe he thinks you took him”

I’m looking at this list and I’m thinking

  1. maybe I should get a snake
  2. I’m crazier than I thought I was.

980. Deja Vu

I really believe that my generation stopped the Viet Nam War. Well me and Bob Dylan and Joan Baez.

This generation will have a profound effect on gun violence.

It it is for that reason I dragged my bad knees over to The High School of Art & Design to stand with the kids that are going to come out of their classes to demonstrate their support of meaningful gun control.

I got there at about 9:45.

Nothing doing.  I knew I’d write a blog about it so I took a few pictures.

Here’s the front door.


I was a little nervous because my brain isn’t so great any more and I was worried that I had the wrong day but I was cheered up by the arrival of another neighbor who was smart enough to bring herself a chair


I also noticed a plaque on the front of the school


Since I know a great deal of pig latin I was able to translate this for the others as “Never spell stuff wrong”

Then the kids started coming out.

strt walk

The two other people and me waiting for them cheered and clapped.


One of their teachers stood outside giving them the “thumbs up”.

teacher giving thumbs up

My niece who usually won’t give me the time of day smiled when she saw me and let me hug her while whispering  “I’m so proud of you”.


Even though I was sobbing my head off she told her friends “That’s my aunt”

I stayed until the school emptied.. The plan was to walk around the block and return to school.

Crying the whole way I was only able to pull myself together at the make up section of Bloomingdales where I had to exchange a lipstick I bought.

It was too dull.

What do you think of this one?


Cheerful huh?

979 So What’s New With Me?

Well last weekend I accompanied Julie and Dan up to my sister and brother in law’s house in upstate New York.

My sister is regular. My brother in law, not so much. He spends a whole lot of time saving the planet.

I’m surprised they have any garbage at all. There is nothing he doesn’t re-use. He even cleans up the piss that Julie’s dog made (Julie’s dog loves to piss) and squeezes the sponge out in a plant.

I happen to love him like crazy so don’t think I’m criticizing. Calling someone a whacko good citizen isn’t a criticism. Not totally.

We all had a wonderful time too. Here’s some photos. Most of them are of dogs.

Julie’s dogs exhausted from the trip.


Charlie, new rescue



Vinnie. He has a sister but she doesn’t photograph well.


Marcia and Paul (my brother in law who will probably take that crossword puzzle and make a  hat out of it.)

I also spoke to my ex neighbor David last week.

When he lived in New York I thought he was a scream because I thought there was no one else like him but since trump became president (no capital letters for him either) I stopped laughing.

Talking to him the other day was enlightening though.

He didn’t vote for trump.

He thinks trump is crazy.

He believes in some gun control. Not as much as me but…..

Don’t get me wrong. He’s still a right winged bigot asshole but I guess it takes all kinds.

I really miss talking to him.

Remember he was very kind to me when dave flew the coop and he’s given me more laughs than I can count.

I’m glad he’s back.