20 Have a nice life, or don’t

 

He asked me to go to the doctor with him. I guess he was afraid he couldn’t make it.

I don’t know if it was Cheryl being angry at me or what but I started yelling at him as soon as we got in the cab.

I was telling him how I didn’t do anything to deserve this. I was a wonderful wife, I took care of his family and brought them closer to us and I was truly a business partner. I hope she’s worth it.

He said, almost under his breath “So do I”

No matter what I said he kept agreeing with me. It isn’t easy to keep yelling at someone when they don’t argue back so I finally stopped. Not only because I wasn’t getting any satisfaction but I could see the cab driver scowling at me in the rear view mirror. I was sure he was thinking that if ever a woman needed her throat cut it was the infidel in the back seat flapping her ungrateful lips.

When we got to the doctor’s office we had about an hour to wait. While we were sitting there he brought up the boat. I’ve mentioned before how I feel about the boat.

For quite awhile he had been trying to talk me into keeping the boat as a mutual asset.

A few weeks ago he told me he wanted to put an electric anchor winch on the boat. He said it would add to the value when we sell it. I nixed it because as I told him then, I don’t care about the value of the boat because I don’t want any part of it.

At the time I thought he wanted the winch because he was getting older but I realized later that when he and I dealt with the anchor  he would steer the boat into the wind and I would pull up the anchor. He no longer had a strong jew as a first mate. Now he had a japanese flower. Obviously giving blow jobs won’t make your arms strong.

He brought this up again while we were waiting.

He suggested that we keep it and share the expenses (I should note that the expenses are enormous) but when we sell it in a few years we can share in the measly profit ( the ‘measly’ is mine)

I just looked at him like he was crazy and for the second time since this thing happened I started yelling at him.

“If you think I will pay one cent of the expenses for that boat so that you and your whore can sail around for three months out of the year you’re crazy. It will not happen.”

Luckily for dave the nurse, who had been trying hard not to hear , said the doctor was ready to see him.

I overheard him telling the doctor that he was depressed because he was getting a divorce and he couldn’t sleep so he was drinking to help him through it.

I couldn’t believe it when they came out and the doctor was giving him a prescription for sleeping pills so that he wouldn’t have to resort to drinking vodka to sleep.

The man had been sleeping for 3 days and nights straight and he had been drinking vodka for years . I didn’t say a word. First of all it was none of my business and second of all I would have sounded like a real shrew.

The next morning I was leaving for Washington DC and dave was leaving home for at least a month. I have no idea what his plans are after that.

I had to leave the house at 7 am. I was surprised to see dave awake when I got up. He said he couldn’t sleep. I asked about his sleeping pills. He hadn’t even filled the prescription. Even he knew what bullshit that was.

As I was leaving he came over to me and said “I’m almost afraid to say this to you”

I said “ Then don’t. Have a nice life” and I closed the door in his face.

19 Remember that Post I Published a minute ago? Forget it.

No sooner had I posted it then my niece Cheryl called me up and said

“What the hell are you doing????? I just read your blog. He’s a narcissitic baby and you are not his mother.

Who cares if he goes to his rehearsal?

Who cares if that slut sits in the airport all day while you’re at the White House because he’s too drunk to pick her up? Let her figure it out. Good luck to her. She’s got a real prize there!

Leave him alone. Let him sleep YOU ARE NOT TO EVEN LOOK IN THAT ROOM.”

See why I adopted her?  Being a single mother isn’t easy but some times it pays off.

18 Woe is Me

dave hasn’t gotten out of bed for 3 days except to go to the bathroom and come into my room at night to watch tv.

He hasn’t eaten anything except a few pieces of cheese.

He’s been drinking steadily. Every day he says he’s calling the doctor but he never wakes up in time to do it.

Finally I told him I was calling. He was glad. Unfortunately the doctor can’t see him for almost a week. I told them to call if they get a cancellation. In a week he’ll be with his lady love and she’ll have to deal with it.

Whenever he got sick in the past I got so scared and panicky at the thought of losing him.( I always went to worst case scenario) that he’d try to calm me.

Funnily even now when he starts to tell me his symptoms he says “Don’t worry I’m sure it’s an infection or something”

The doctor called yesterday and said they can fit him in tomorrow.

He asked me to wake him up this morning to go to his weekly rehearsal. I’ve been trying to get him up for an hour. He just rolls over and goes back to sleep.

I don’t know what to do.

Here’s how I feel about this. I’m surprised that I don’t care and my biggest worry is that I won’t be able to go to the White House.

My sweet Julie called to ask me to meet her.

I went into dave and asked him if he’ll be able to get up to go to the rehearsal. He said “Of course”

I know how much he loves that rehearsal so I believed him.

At 1 pm I left.

I got back at 3. He was still in bed sleeping.

My sister keeps saying that it’s not my problem but a million thoughts keep going through my head.

  1. I am counting on him leaving in 3 days.
  2. If he doesn’t get out of bed how do I get him to the doctor tomorrow.
  3. His slut is coming from Japan in 3 days.
  4. She doesn’t speak good English. If he’s too weak to pick her up what do I do? I want to turn him over to her but does that mean I have to pick her up? That will not happen.
  5. I am at a loss. He keeps insisting that he’s going to the rehearsal but I think you have to be able to be vertical to carry that out.

Woe is me.

17 Even Rejection Has It’s Perks

Rereading this blog all I see is a lot of whining. “I’m good, he’s bad, I’m loyal and sweet, he’s a craphead”

Now even though this happens to be true, it’s only fair that I tell you about some of the perks I’ve gotten from being dumped.

About a month ago a friend’s son, Andy Griffen, who also happens to be a terrific drummer called and invited me to hear music with him. He’s a kid I’ve always liked who spent a lot of happy times in Montauk when he was little.

Dave’s nephew and niece asked me to go to Graceland with them. This has been a dream of mine. I always knew that if only Elvis had met me I would have been the mother of Lisa Marie. Of course I was 11 and a little on the fat side but I  knew he’d see through that.

Dave’s college roommate, Carmon, invited me to accompany him and his wife on their anniversary cruise in Paris. He even sent me the web site so I could book it. The thought of the 3 of us dancing to “Anniversary Waltz” sends my heart aflutter. Can you think of anything more romantic? And the fact that his wife, though one of my dearest friends still looks like the playboy bunny she once was wouldn’t tarnish my time at all. I know that a lot of men find a bathing suit with a skirt very appealing so if I ever decided to go she’d better watch out.

And to top all this off, my nephew Matthew has booked me a special tour of the WHITE HOUSE this weekend.

What to wear? What to wear? I’m thinking something with a train.

I only know that if President Obama comes within 100 feet of me I will faint dead away from happiness.

Maybe life ain’t so bad after all.

16 Connections and Disconnections

Last weekend I went to my niece’s Sadie’s bat mitzvah. There’s something about the ritual that makes you feel connected. Not to God necessarily but to those who came before. The passing of the Torah from one generation to another was very moving. Added to that was the pride we all felt watching that tiny little girl reading the Hebrew so perfectly.

Practically my entire family was there. We all live far away from each other so getting together was terrific. I don’t see my niece Michelle very often but she said she’s addicted to my blog.

My father used to say that I was the glue that held the family together but I think he was wrong. Our fabulous family holds itself together by loving each other. We are all there for each other. When anything bad happens to one of us the family takes a breath and we don’t truly release it until things start to get better.

While I was there some  of us drove into Annapolis and I couldn’t help but think how dave would have loved being there. Annapolis is one of his favorite places. Whenever we could we’d dock in the middle of town and men strolling with their wives would look at our boat enviously. The women with any brains would rush their husbands along.

We left the next afternoon. Dave was not home when I got there and the house was exactly the way I left it. The most telling thing was that he had finished all the vodka before I left but hadn’t bought more.

I rang Liz’ bell and she and Rupert came over to my house for cocktails because David was on a conference call and it pissed him off if rupe barked.

When I told her that I didn’t know where dave was  and there was no vodka in the house she was alarmed.

Dave had been saying that he didn’t feel well. He was hardly eating and existing entirely on vodka. Liz was worried that he was in the hospital or worse.

Just then dave came in. He sat down with us.

He said he really wasn’t feeling well and he planned to go to the doctor tomorrow.

After a little small talk I asked him if when he leaves on Friday it will be for good.

He said yes. He would be in New York for about a month but then he’s going to be living in a small town in Japan for a few months.

He started to say “Can you imagine me living in this little town?” he was smiling.

I interrupted. “I’m assuming her daughter is letting you come there with her”

“Yes” he said “that situation has changed.  Could you order more vodka?”

“ Did you not drink all weekend? I wondered why you didn’t buy vodka yourself”

“ I drank whatever else was in the house. Is there any vodka anywhere?” he was looking at Liz.

Last time dave left I figured I didn’t have to buy vodka in bulk so I bought a bottle of good vodka that I left in Liz’s house for our cocktail hour.  There was about ¾ left.

I went and got it and handed it to him. Things sure changed. In the past I would have fought him tooth and nail to keep him from drinking so much. Now it simply wasn’t my job any more. Let her deal with it.

He took the bottle from me and started unscrewing the cap. Liz jumped up and said “Let me get you some ice”

“No need” he just drank it straight out of the bottle.

He looked at me and said “ I don’t know if you believe this but I don’t regret one day of our 45 years together”

As  he continued to speak I looked at Liz and mumbled “here comes the knife”

He went on “but I am very happy with my decision”

“Bingo”

He continued “I was talking to my friend Lonette and she said I’m being unfair to you because as long as I stay here you can’t help taking care of me. That said I have a cuticle that’s driving me crazy, can you cut it for me?”

Reader, don’t even ask if I did it. You know I did.

“And can you tell me how to pay my bills if I’m living in Japan?”

Liz explained paying via computer to him. She then suggested he close his fly. Luckily he wears long shirts so she didn’t have to faint dead away. She’s very delicate.

He then told me his general plans

“I guess I’ll take my music out and put it in storage.

I plan on living a vagabond life. I’ll be in New York for a month at a hotel, then a few months in Japan, then either on the boat or New York again.

I found this so painful. It was clinical and barely recognizable as the end of a long and mostly happy marriage.

I have to keep reminding myself  that when he isn’t here I’m happier.

We just sat around talking with Liz.

Dave was explaining to us that he was still the guy he always was even if he did this terrible thing to me.

I said  “maybe you’re the guy you always were but you aren’t the guy I thought you were.”

He said “Do you know the thing I like best about myself?” the vodka was taking hold.

“Your general shittiness ?” I suggested

He laughed and said “ My music. I know I’m a great musician”

15.Mommy says “Clean your room!” Slut says “Let’s fuck”

Last night Liz and David came home from the weekend in Quogue.

I told them that david was leaving in a day or two.

At that news David said “Cocktails?”

Naturally I said yes but added “since he’s leaving, can we let dave come in?

David said “Don’t be an ass”

Liz said “If you want to invite him, do it”

I said to David “This isn’t setting anything up for the future, he’s leaving”

David said in a disgusted tone “let him come”

I went back to my house to tell dave he could join us. He was in his room skyping his girlfriend.

I returned to Liz and David’s knowing the crow I was going to have to eat.

David just shook his head and said “What are you drinking?”

The next morning I was clearer about my feelings. I was happy that he was leaving.

My sister said that since he’s been back he’s slowly been chipping away at my confidence and happiness.

I realize that it wasn’t entirely his fault. I was gradually slipping into the caretaker role that I’ve always had.

I knew that his leaving would put me back on track. I couldn’t wait.

When he woke up I asked him which day he was leaving, Wednesday or Thursday?  He said he wasn’t sure.

I couldn’t understand it “why aren’t you?”

“It’s complicated” he smiled sheepishly

“A little of it has to do with the fact that I’m not fluent enough in Japanese and she’s not fluent enough in English to understand everything we say to each other”

“Man, lucky slut” I thought “If only I didn’t understand everything dave said maybe those long lectures on Al Qaeda or the history of salt during dinner would have been more bearable.”

When he got home later I asked him again when he was leaving.

He said “I was mistaken. I’m not leaving until the 16th.”

My heart fell. It was another 10 days. I really wanted him out of here.

My sister, Marcia reminded me that we were going to my niece Sadie’s Bat Mitzvah for the weekend and then it was only 5 days.

I was so looking forward to the weekend. We were all staying at the same hotel and it would be so much fun all being together

Not having to worry that dave would get fall down drunk was an added bonus.

This morning the maid is coming. He had not let her do the room he stayed in since he came back. It was getting dusty and depressing.

I told him I wanted him to let her do it today.

He said “Can’t I leave it for another week?”

I let it go for the time being and said

“So you’re definitely leaving next Friday?”

“I think so” he said.

“I have to tell you that I was very disappointed to hear that you weren’t leaving tomorrow.”

He looked surprised “You really want me totally out of your life, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“But I have 50 years of my creative efforts in that closet. Where will I put it? Can I leave it here for a few years?”

He kept looking at the closet that had been turned into shelves that neatly held the music for all his albums and movies.”

“No dave, you can leave it here for awhile but once we are formally separated it has to go. I can pack it and put it in storage so it will be easily accessible to you. ”

I added

“I’ve been very kind to you. I’ve taken a lot of abuse for that from my friends and my family but I can’t be who I’m not”

Just last week when we took my nephew Evan up to college we had lunch with Stephanie and she was berating me for letting him be so comfortable. She said “You aren’t making him suffer at all”

Evan looked at her and said quietly “How does making him suffer help her?”

Out of the mouths of babes….

dave said “You have been more than kind. I know that and I’m so grateful”

“Well didn’t you think that your actions would eventually result in this? You made a choice. Did you think that you’d marry her and still keep one foot in the door here?” I asked

“I didn’t think that far” he looked sad.

I decided to get back to the reason I came in his room to begin with.

“Wouldn’t you be more comfortable if the room is clean and you have a made bed with clean sheets?” I looked at his bed. The quilt and sheets were in a ball half on the bed and half off.

“I don’t care about it.  If I let her in the room I have to unpack my suitcase and put my things away. I just can’t deal with it yet.”

“dave I can’t stand looking at it. That’s why sometimes I come in and make your bed. Isn’t it more comfortable sleeping in it made?”

“I don’t care about the comfort but when I come in and see that you’ve made my bed, it makes me happy”

What a manipulative prick.

And here’s the sad part. I was pretty sure I’d be making his bed for the next week.

14 Can I knife you in the heart? Can I watch TV with you?

Yesterday was Sunday. I spent the day with Julie and her family bringing her beloved rescue dog to a new home. We were all kind of dreading it but what had looked like an awful day turned out pretty good.

The dog, Buddy, was hugged and kissed by the entire family and their dog and he kissed them all back. He seemed to know that it was his forever home. They made it clear that even though they had bought him a new bed he would probably be sleeping with one of them.

Since dave refused to get his own lawyer, my lawyer sent him the same net worth financial statement for him to fill out that I had handed in. It had taken me at least a month to gather the information.

He doesn’t have any idea about our money so I knew I going to have to help him fill it out.

When I got home I looked in dave’s room and asked him if he’d be available to discuss things tomorrow. He was lying in bed.

“Yes” he said “We have a lot of things to talk about”

Then he said

“I have some bills. I don’t know how to  pay them. I need some help”

“I’ll show you how to do it tomorrow”

“Another thing,” he added “Can I borrow $15,000 from from your father’s money? I’ll sign anything you want and it’s only fair that I pay you interest. I feel like I have no money.”

Why couldn’t he grasp the money situation?

“Take money from our bank account like you always did”

Actually he never did. He told me what he needed and I got it for him.

He seemed to be hesitating  “I don’t want to use that money”

Then I realized that I was the one who isn’t getting it.

“You want money for her?”

“Yes. I’ll be leaving for awhile. She’s coming this week and I’m going to a hotel.

Maybe after that to the boat or Japan.”

In novels the characters are always aware of what they’re feeling. They’re angry, hurt, happy, in love, not in love.

Up to this point I was pretty sure I knew how I felt. I was happy when he wasn’t here and anxious when he was but when I heard this my stomach fell.

If I were to describe the feeling I’d have to say it was fear. I don’t know why though. I guess I wasn’t as sure of my feelings as I thought I was.

I turned and started to leave.

“Mattie ?”

“Yes”

“Can I come in and watch tv with you?”

“Of course”

As soon as I got into my room I took a tranquilizer.

13. Someone is an asshole and it might be me

I mentioned before that when dave asked if he were welcome at Liz and David’s house I told him no.

This was because the day before Liz, David and I were having a drink at their house. I told them that I felt uncomfortable when I came over there and left him clearly wishing he could come with me.

Liz said “I want to do what makes you comfortable. If you want to let him come it’s ok with us.”

“No it isn’t”.  David said

“We have our little community here. We’re all comfortable with each other. If he comes over it will  change everything. We will all be uncomfortable. He’s the one who did this. Why should we put his comfort over ours”

I couldn’t disagree with that.

The next night dave and I were having dinner. Lately it had turned into his asking if he should come home to dinner or eat out.

Unless I had plans or my family was coming, I ‘d tell him he could come home if he liked. He usually said he would. Except for those dinners we rarely spoke.

I listened while he went on and on about his tour and how angry he was at his partner, Kawashima for not being forceful enough about getting him work.

I sympathized with him because I actually agreed.

He was clearly in a good mood. He had someone to talk about this to who had as much to lose by Kawashima not getting him work as he did.

He had a big smile on his face when he said

“This is really going to make you furious at Kawa.  You know how he writes out the speech I give on stage in Japanese?”

I nodded

“Well it wasn‘t flowing right. I remembered a saying that my Berlitz teacher taught me

“ If I don’t speak Japanese I am always a gaijin if I speak Japanese than my fans can connect with me”

I inserted that into my speech.

When I got off the stage Kawa was standing there .

He said “ I get angry when you change the speech without telling me,”  He thought she had told me to add that.”

I stood up and shouted at him while I was walking out of the room.

“You are an idiot! A fucking idiot!”

“Why? Why?” he was clearly puzzled “ What did I say?”

“I have told you that I don’t want her mentioned. It’s bad enough that I have to listen to her voice coming out of MY guest room while you two skype. And by the way WEAR HEADPHONES! ”  I turned to look at him.

He put his hands out and said “I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t think”

I went on “I go out of my way to make you comfortable and you throw her in my face. You act like it’s a given that she’s your person and I’m totally accepting about it.”

“I didn’t realize, I’m sorry It was stupid of me” he kept looking at me.

I knew he didn’t want me cutting him off.

After awhile I sat back down. “What’s the point?” I thought

I was wondering if there’ll come a time when he’ll ask me to help him solve his love problems with that piece of shit.

The next evening David went to a football game so Liz, dave and I went out to dinner again.

He seemed so happy for the company that he never mentioned the fact that he wasn’t welcome in Liz’ house but she’d go out to dinner with him. I guess he realized that was David’s call.

On the way over to the restaurant he asked me to get another master key for the car. I had taken his when he came back because if I lost mine , the alarm would go off when I started the up with the copy key.

“Why do you need it? You’ll be living in Japan.”

He looked surprised that I was referring to it in front of Liz.

“Well, if you lose yours I can send you mine.”

Both Liz and I laughed when I said, “I can think of a closer place to leave an extra key”

Before we left the house he told me that he had brought back the latest poster of the band and did I want it.

“Of course not. Why would I?” I asked him.

At dinner he kept referring to my not wanting the poster.

He was clearly insulted.

That dinner went much smoother than the first. He was drinking but he made it home without help.

As I said before,  each day as he left the house he’d ask about dinner. Should he eat out or should he come home.

On Wednesdays he had a rehearsal and usually came home at about 8. In the old days I always waited for him to eat dinner. This was the first Wednesday since his return.

For the past week I had been fighting off a cold. I had a hacking cough. Though he daily discussed his bowel movements or lack thereof with me and frequently mentioned that if his tiredness didn’t pass he was going to the doctor, he never asked about my cough.

When I suggested that the fact that he was drinking a bottle of vodka a day could be the reason he felt so tired, he poo pooed that and said “That’s ridiculous”

This Wednesday he asked the usual question about dinner as he was leaving.

“Whatever you want” I answered

“Would it be too late for you to wait until 8?”

I said “ I’m not that hungry so waiting won’t be a problem”

“Okay, see ya later”  he left.

I spent the day dozing and as it got closer to dinner time I realized I should make something. I really didn’t feel like it but I had said I’d have dinner made so I put turkey sausages in the oven and filled the pasta pot with water.

That was as much as I felt like doing.

At about 7:50 the phone rang. It was dave. “Listen I’ve decided to eat at Kodama” he was with some friends and he had clearly had a few. “Did you wait for me?”

“Yes” I said “ But that’s no problem. Go to Kodama.”

When I hung up I laughed. I had been feeling sorry for him or at least that’s what I was telling myself.

I do know that I was happy that he wasn’t coming home and I was almost grateful to him for doing this.

Because the real lesson was that I had to change. I had to start thinking about what was good for me.

Yes he was lonely and sad but it was his own doing and he at no time showed that he gave a shit about my feelings

It’s one thing to be a kind person it’s another to be a fool.

Now if I can just act on this.