13. Someone is an asshole and it might be me

I mentioned before that when dave asked if he were welcome at Liz and David’s house I told him no.

This was because the day before Liz, David and I were having a drink at their house. I told them that I felt uncomfortable when I came over there and left him clearly wishing he could come with me.

Liz said “I want to do what makes you comfortable. If you want to let him come it’s ok with us.”

“No it isn’t”.  David said

“We have our little community here. We’re all comfortable with each other. If he comes over it will  change everything. We will all be uncomfortable. He’s the one who did this. Why should we put his comfort over ours”

I couldn’t disagree with that.

The next night dave and I were having dinner. Lately it had turned into his asking if he should come home to dinner or eat out.

Unless I had plans or my family was coming, I ‘d tell him he could come home if he liked. He usually said he would. Except for those dinners we rarely spoke.

I listened while he went on and on about his tour and how angry he was at his partner, Kawashima for not being forceful enough about getting him work.

I sympathized with him because I actually agreed.

He was clearly in a good mood. He had someone to talk about this to who had as much to lose by Kawashima not getting him work as he did.

He had a big smile on his face when he said

“This is really going to make you furious at Kawa.  You know how he writes out the speech I give on stage in Japanese?”

I nodded

“Well it wasn‘t flowing right. I remembered a saying that my Berlitz teacher taught me

“ If I don’t speak Japanese I am always a gaijin if I speak Japanese than my fans can connect with me”

I inserted that into my speech.

When I got off the stage Kawa was standing there .

He said “ I get angry when you change the speech without telling me,”  He thought she had told me to add that.”

I stood up and shouted at him while I was walking out of the room.

“You are an idiot! A fucking idiot!”

“Why? Why?” he was clearly puzzled “ What did I say?”

“I have told you that I don’t want her mentioned. It’s bad enough that I have to listen to her voice coming out of MY guest room while you two skype. And by the way WEAR HEADPHONES! ”  I turned to look at him.

He put his hands out and said “I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t think”

I went on “I go out of my way to make you comfortable and you throw her in my face. You act like it’s a given that she’s your person and I’m totally accepting about it.”

“I didn’t realize, I’m sorry It was stupid of me” he kept looking at me.

I knew he didn’t want me cutting him off.

After awhile I sat back down. “What’s the point?” I thought

I was wondering if there’ll come a time when he’ll ask me to help him solve his love problems with that piece of shit.

The next evening David went to a football game so Liz, dave and I went out to dinner again.

He seemed so happy for the company that he never mentioned the fact that he wasn’t welcome in Liz’ house but she’d go out to dinner with him. I guess he realized that was David’s call.

On the way over to the restaurant he asked me to get another master key for the car. I had taken his when he came back because if I lost mine , the alarm would go off when I started the up with the copy key.

“Why do you need it? You’ll be living in Japan.”

He looked surprised that I was referring to it in front of Liz.

“Well, if you lose yours I can send you mine.”

Both Liz and I laughed when I said, “I can think of a closer place to leave an extra key”

Before we left the house he told me that he had brought back the latest poster of the band and did I want it.

“Of course not. Why would I?” I asked him.

At dinner he kept referring to my not wanting the poster.

He was clearly insulted.

That dinner went much smoother than the first. He was drinking but he made it home without help.

As I said before,  each day as he left the house he’d ask about dinner. Should he eat out or should he come home.

On Wednesdays he had a rehearsal and usually came home at about 8. In the old days I always waited for him to eat dinner. This was the first Wednesday since his return.

For the past week I had been fighting off a cold. I had a hacking cough. Though he daily discussed his bowel movements or lack thereof with me and frequently mentioned that if his tiredness didn’t pass he was going to the doctor, he never asked about my cough.

When I suggested that the fact that he was drinking a bottle of vodka a day could be the reason he felt so tired, he poo pooed that and said “That’s ridiculous”

This Wednesday he asked the usual question about dinner as he was leaving.

“Whatever you want” I answered

“Would it be too late for you to wait until 8?”

I said “ I’m not that hungry so waiting won’t be a problem”

“Okay, see ya later”  he left.

I spent the day dozing and as it got closer to dinner time I realized I should make something. I really didn’t feel like it but I had said I’d have dinner made so I put turkey sausages in the oven and filled the pasta pot with water.

That was as much as I felt like doing.

At about 7:50 the phone rang. It was dave. “Listen I’ve decided to eat at Kodama” he was with some friends and he had clearly had a few. “Did you wait for me?”

“Yes” I said “ But that’s no problem. Go to Kodama.”

When I hung up I laughed. I had been feeling sorry for him or at least that’s what I was telling myself.

I do know that I was happy that he wasn’t coming home and I was almost grateful to him for doing this.

Because the real lesson was that I had to change. I had to start thinking about what was good for me.

Yes he was lonely and sad but it was his own doing and he at no time showed that he gave a shit about my feelings

It’s one thing to be a kind person it’s another to be a fool.

Now if I can just act on this.

One thought on “13. Someone is an asshole and it might be me

  1. Dear Mattie,

    Although you are an incredibly thoughtful, insightful and wonderful person, you haven’t yet learned that the most vulnerable, needy and helpless individuals can also be the most ruthless, controlling and manipulative. You’re learning this the hard way, but I wish you could learn it sooner.

    Your niece from Washington

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