So yesterday was the day Stephanie took me to the Jerry Springer Show for my birthday.

We arrived at the theatre one half hour early with no breakfast, only coffee. Why no breakfast, you ask? because Stephanie said she was told that they would give us bagels and coffee at the show.

I know that you aren’t supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth but the gift horse wouldn’t stop at a McDonald’s drive thru on the way even though I kept saying “better safe than sorry” and that I couldn’t imagine that a high end show like this would offer all that entertainment PLUS a hearty breakfast for an entire studio audience.

She was  insisting that her cousin, Mark who got us the tickets swore that the bagels and coffee were a definite.

I think it’s important to add that while we were waiting , Mark, who accompanied us to the show, took an egg sandwich and a beer out of his bag that he happily munched on while we waited for the line to move.

Once on line our photo ID’s were checked and we were given a waver to sign.

The highlights of the waver absolved them of any and all liability for loss or damage to personal property, invasion of privacy, personal injury, including emotional distress, including death.

It also gave them rights to our likeness even if it was distorted in perpetuity to be used in ads, recordings, tv and for some reason cruise ships.

Once in the theatre , after going through a metal detector, we sat in a big room while TV’s in various places  blasted  old shows that didn’t have any of the filters of the fully produced shows so we were toasted with plenty of food fights and tits .

Many of the shows had clever titles such as one where the gentleman with only one and a half arms who was suspicious of his lady love’s fidelity was called  “Tell it to the Paw”.

While we were sitting there, our eyes glued to the screen a nearby girl asked her boyfriend “Could you be attracted to a girl who fights like that?”

His answer boded ill for their future relationship, “Absolutely. Smack her in the head and she’s good to go.”

Dear Abby would definitely advise this girl to tread lightly in this relationship.

I was clearly one of the oldest people there. The audience consisted of mostly high school and college students and judging by this being a school day I gotta assume the valedictorians here were few and far between.

The age of the audience played right in their hands because  they screamed with laughter when Jerry came out before the show started and told jokes that were so old that when I first heard them I laughed so hard I kicked the slats out of my cradle (rim shot).

The plot of the show is very simple. There are three separate situations or if I may say, acts. All falling on the same theme during which the audience was encouraged  to periodically, at the direction of the producer, stand, fist pumping in the air while shouting “Jer-ry, Jer-ry”.

We were told that we could oooh or boo someone but never (this was stressed) yell out the punch line, for example “Your girlfriend and the mother of your children is a man”.

Doing so would result in that particular show being scrapped and the whole audience would lose out on the opportunity for stardom, damage to personal property or death.

Our theme for today was “I want to marry him or her but I think he/she’s cheating on me”.

The first woman really touched me. She was a heavy set woman who was wearing glasses. She said she had two children with her fiance and loved him dearly but she suspected that he’d been fooling around with her good friend a “Nicki Minaj wannabe” (her words not mine).

Jerry asked her a few very sensitive questions about hopes and goals and then said “Let’s bring your friend to the stage and see what she has to say for herself.

The orange wigged, leopard jump suited heartbreaker set foot on the stage only to be greeted by the bride-to-be jumping on her, beating the shit out of her and shoving her into the wedding cake which they both pushed into each other’s faces until it was all over them, the stage and the front row. ( hence the inclusion of limited liability to person and property)

Even though she decided to take the law into her own hands there was something very sweet about this woman. She had some doubts as to the outcome yet she was still a positive enough person to wear a wedding dress and carry a bouquet to the show.

And her sunny disposition was not in vain. Her boyfriend did in fact  choose her. No sooner had he finished throwing  what was left of the wedding cake all over his unfortunate paramour when Jerry’s minions brought out a raggedy  flowered trellis and pronounced them man and wife under it to gleeful chants of “Jer-ry Jer-ry”.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

The next couple didn’t fare as well. Even though the hopeful young lady took care of her older boyfriend beautifully and as she said,  paid for his rent, his clothes and his Leggos , he still hadn’t popped the question.

This romance was not to be. He gave her the gate for not being adventurous enough in the bedroom and not allowing him to have a key to the house.

These two plus the girlfriend that I suspect will be responsible for his Leggos in the future all punched each other out without much fervor, none of them coming to any real harm and the next questioning mate came out.

This time it was a young man.

He truly loved his girlfriend. They had met when they were both working at McDonald’s ( the very mention of which brought the image of the Egg McMuffin I was denied to mind).

She was his manager and though at first she wouldn’t cross over the hierarchy of boss/fryman it soon became apparent that their love was too strong to fight and they became one.

Now she still works at Micky D’s and he stays home and watches the baby. She was pregnant when they met but still a heartbreaker.

He definitely wants to center aisle it but she’s been acting kind of cool lately and he wants to know why before proposing. I suspect he already knew the truth because he kept saying that he believes in second chances.

The young lovely came out, admitted that she had in fact had a one time thing with his sister’s boyfriend but would never do it again. The sister and her boyfriend entered the stage, socks ensued and in no time the crappy trellis was dragged out again and once more we were witnesses to two souls brought together for life.

Then came questions from the audience to the participants,

“Be specific when you speak to someone. Don’t just say “she” say, the girl with the blue shirt or the wedding cake in her ears”

The show ended with the thing that makes it high art.

Jerry gives his final thoughts and all of a sudden he acts as though we all just watched “Romeo and Juliet”, giving heartfelt advice to the participants who just looked off into space as if no one was speaking.

The day ended with Jerry telling us all to be good to ourselves and each other.

I was so touched that I tried to hug the woman sitting next to me who gave me a sharp elbow to the neck.

It was the best birthday I ever had.