810. Guests and fish can be very bossy

You all know how much I love my niece, Cheryl.

In fact since I turned dave’s office into  a guest room she has been it’s primary resident. She even finished writing her last book there.

Whenever she tells me she’s coming to my town I’m more than happy.

Well let me tell you, you think you know someone until you know someone.

She got here the other day and everything was perfect. She met Raymond and thought him wonderful. He loved her too. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was that they both got along.

THAT IS until the first morning after her arrival when Cheryl showed her true colors. For your information those colors I speak of are shades of yellow forming a streak down her back.

I always leave my terrace door open so that if Ray wants to drop a deuce or pee during the night he can.

Which is what I told Cheryl  when I saw that she had closed that door before she went to bed.  I expected an “I’m sorry, sure”

What I got was “her going apeshit

“Your dog is trained. He doesn’t need to go out during the night. You have to close the door.”

“Why?” I really was puzzled.

“Because someone could come in and kill you”.

“I live on the 18th floor.” (When I told Julie about this conversation she said “Who’s going to get you Spiderman?”)

“They could come down from the roof.”

“I live in a doorman building. How is anyone going to get on the roof?”

“He could come from another building and jump on your terrace”

She was getting so excited that I didn’t even remind her that there were no buildings taller than mine. I just dropped it and figured I’ll open the door after she goes to sleep.

But after giving it some thought I realized that she’d just have to understand, my house my rules. The next night I put my foot down. I told her I was leaving the door open and she should just close the door to her room and put something heavy against it so that when the killer comes in he’ll only kill me.

She wasn’t happy but she seemed to accept it.

I had no sooner gotten into bed, turned on “Watch What Happens Live” and was just getting into the behind the scenes antics of the Housewives of New Jersey when my door flew open and Cheryl came storming in.

“I can’t go to sleep with that door open.”

Realizing that hillbillies (i.e. not New Yorkers) can’t be reasoned with I got up and closed the terrace door.

Suffice it to say at about 3 in the morning I sensed that Ray wasn’t in the bed since I was able to move my legs so I got up and went into the living room where he was standing by the terrace door with a puzzled look on his face. At least I assume that was what he was feeling.

I let him out and we both went back to bed.

Today at breakfast Cheryl decided to have a talk with me.

“I want you to promise me that you will keep that door closed even after I leave. I worry about you.”

“I’ve been living here for almost 40 years and during that time I’ve had Norman , Harry, Rupert (Liz’ dog) and now Ray and I’ve left the door open for all of them and nothing has happened to me.”

“You’ve just been lucky”

“You know I’m not lucky. If I was lucky my ice machine wouldn’t be broken.

In case you’re wondering that is no longer the case. It cost me almost 5oo bucks but it’s fixed now and Miss I’m So Worried About You never left the safety of her room to protect me from the hairy assed repairman while he worked on it.


I was just about to let bygones be bygones when Cheryl asked me if I would be so kind as to remove Raymond’s breakfast bowls from the table while she ate. And there I was thinking I was being thoughtful by picking his oatmeal bowl and egg bowl off the floor so no one would trip on them.

There’s just no way to please some people


8 thoughts on “810. Guests and fish can be very bossy

  1. she would never be welcome in my home. I think your niceness is being compromised and Cheryl should grow up and get a life. There are many hotels in the area and I send her a list.

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