923. And so it goes

Julie and I were on the phone the other day and she mentioned that was talking to a girlfriend who is going through an upsetting divorce. The friend said that someone told her that it takes 2 years to get over it.

After we hung up I thought about the 2 years thing.

I have a horrible sense of time. I had to look back at my blog to see when I was divorced. I thought it was a long time ago.

It seems that it was March or April of 2011 when dave stood in the kitchen and told me that he was in love with a Japanese woman but we weren’t divorced until May of 2013.

That means the divorce itself was a little over 2 years ago but the truth is that day in 2011 I really knew it was over, at least for  him.

As for me, I may think I’m over it because most of the time I’m happy and fulfilled but every once in awhile it catches me unawares.

My sister Marcia was recommending a netflicks show, “Grace and Frankie” starring Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin about two women in their late 60’s who’s husbands leave them.  It seems the husbands , lawyers who were business partners, had been in love with each other for years.

Both wives thought they had happy marriages. Well happy in degrees, but both were comfortable in their marriage and assumed it was a “Till death do we part” situation.What I mean was that they weren’t fighting or unhappy and the announcement that their husbands were leaving was a big shock to both wives.

I watched a bit of it but it was painful to me because it was so like my situation, only I don’t look like Jane Fonda.

It was irrelevant that the men left for a gay relationship while dave left for a woman. The result was the same and their reactions, were mine.

When Jane Fonda looked at her husband and said “It’s me sitting across the table from you” that was me.

If I didn’t say it I thought it a hundred times after dave told me the news.

When we were discussing who would take what, he stood in the middle of the living room and said “I could just go to Japan and you’d never find me”

This was a man who never said an unkind word to me. Someone who when my father died and I cried because my father had always taken care of all of us  and I felt I had no one to be responsible for me said “You don’t have to be afraid. I’ll be responsible for you. I’ll take care of you.” and this is someone I trusted more than anyone in the world.

As I stared at him all I could think of was “It’s me dave. You’re saying this to ME”

Going through my blog to find my divorce date brought all kinds of memories like that to me.

When I read them it was as if I was going through it all again. I could only wonder how I could be so mistaken about someone I was so sure about?

I will say that since the divorce and his remarriage he’s been his old kind self. We are in touch by email for business and division of money things.

He’s in New York now, I assume to record and he’s promised not to come to my side of town without letting me know so I can avoid him.

Am I over the divorce?  Probably not. I still can’t bear to see him, especially with her.

Maybe when people are fighting and the marriage is bad, divorce brings some relief.

To me? Probably not so much.

I missed having a person of my own.

So I got a dog.

dog

Maybe it’s not the 2 years. Maybe it’s how you fill the 2 years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

19 thoughts on “923. And so it goes

  1. Wow! Your posts always crack me up but today I teary eyed. That was so truthful and raw that it hurt my heart to read. What a strange phenomenon to love and care for a person you’ll never meet. Now go back to being hysterically funny. My heart can’t take all that! LOL Keep Ray warm . This weather sucks! Gail

  2. I am sending you a BIG hug and whispering “Live in the moment” in your ear! You are beautiful. Love your honesty and look forward to your blog appearing in my in box.

  3. Your honesty is so admirable. The fact that you can look at things for how they are and not hide under the covers but move forward. I love you for who you are and most of all for your compassion and friendship. Always, Jeffrey

  4. I lost my husband of 48 years very unexpectedly on Christmas night 8 years ago. I was only 66 and I never thought I would be alone so young or for so long. At the time it was me and shih tzu in this house and I was devastated when lost my little dog 6 months later. I had a new furry best friend in 2 weeks. I tell everyone I can live without the man but not the dog. Do I miss being a couple, yes, but I am happy as I am and doubt I will ever get married again. One of my friends said don’t think of it as being alone, think of it as being in control of the remote.

    Carolyn Oddo

    Date: Wed, 20 Jan 2016 15:23:21 +0000 To: caoddo2@hotmail.com

  5. Sending you much love Mattie. My husband kissed me good night one night and told me he loved me; the next day he told me he had something to tell me, which was: I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I hate your personality, I hate your family, I haven’t loved you for five years, I want you to get out of my house (it was our house), and get a job equal to the one you had seven years ago (I’d been trying to return to work since a rape trauma and its protracted aftermath; he did everything he could to keep me from working, telling me why I would fail as a VP, the jobs being offered to me). He had never, up to that evening, said anything was wrong, and was always leaving me love notes, cards, bouquets of flowers, saying, “I love you.” His rejection was shattering. I had to take myself apart and put myself back together again; understand why I chose a husband who was an angry liar. He had seemed the same nice person to my family, friends, and co-workers. Now, the flowers and surprises at work—I was a high-tech Communications Director, the only woman, the men there joked to my husband that he was ruining it for all the other men—seem too much, though there are people as kind as he seemed who are that kind. I was not, and am not, a dependent person. I did our bills, refinanced our house, located and bought a place for my mom after my dad died. When you lose trust in the person you thought was your best friend, it’s a steep road back. When this first happened, my ex agreed to see a male couples’ psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told him, to my surprise, “You’re angry from your childhood. Your wife isn’t the problem. A new person isn’t the solution. You need individual therapy. Until you get it, you’ll keep repeating these behaviors.” It took me years to understand why that was true. Your family loves you so much. I hope they (and Raymond) are where you see who you are.

  6. There is no time limit on getting over the death of one’s marriage and the grieving process is as unique as each person. It’s lonely, scary, depressing and the whole thing sucks but you are stronger than all of it and you just need to keep in mind that there really are better days ahead. Honest to God, there are.
    I love you, when you make us laugh and when you make us cry. Hugs Always!

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