Why? Because only then will you get the magnitude of having 2 stinky meals when you’re away overnight.

Julie had to go to Southhampton to do some research on her new book. I decided to  accompany her so that I could check on my Montauk house.

I decided to leave Ray with my nephew Scott  since it was only for one night and he doesn’t love car rides.

You remember Scott. He’s the one who threw Ray off the chair only missing cracking his skull open by a hair.

I didn’t worry because I was sure that the stern look I gave him would put Scott on his best behavior and I was right.

As soon as he got to my house he texted me proof of life.


“Why is he sitting on the couch alone?” I asked and he followed that unacceptable foto up with:


I was able to relax. I guess this was because I didn’t know the horror that was to befall me.

The long car ride gave Julie and me much needed time to go over world and family events and discuss them until they were solved.

I don’t want to suggest that if we had taken this trip a little over a month ago we’d be gearing up for a Hillary Presidency but if we had taken this trip a little over a month ago we’d be gearing up for a Hillary Presidency .

We arrived at the library in Southhampton and Julie went in to do her research. When she finished it was about 2 p.m.so we decided to eat lunch in that tony town.

We chose what looked like a popular place. It was jammed with well dressed people not an original nose or a facial expression amongst them.

Julie and I each had one of their fancy sandwiches (you know with avocado and sprigs of green jammed in) and I had a small soup.

That set me back $43.00.

I DIDN’T EVEN EAT MY WHOLE SANDWICH BECAUSE IT STUNK SO MUCH. Julie was trying to keep a brave face while gagging down her lunch but I know the girl and I saw right through that.

We couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

We barely spoke on the way to Montauk but I think I heard Julie mumbling to herself “At least we’ll have dinner. At least we’ll have dinner.”

There wasn’t much open in Montauk, this being out of season, just one fancy restaurant that demanded reservations and one plain seafood place that demanded that you wear a shirt.

After our unfortunate lunch it was a no brainer.

The atmosphere in the fancy restaurant was lovely but that’s where it ended.

Now I could go into detail about how my cosmopolitan was undrinkable (I believe it was made with moonshine) and my pasta was mushy and had so much garlic in it that it was not to be eaten by a human with tastebuds.

Julie had a burger which she told me was only okay.

Here is a side note:

My friend Susan, who also has a house in Montauk considers this one of her go to restaurants. When I told her about my meal she made 3 follow up phone calls to me with questions about what I found wanting and why I chose to order what I did when surely I should have known that they have much better dishes.

I’ve always said that Susan gets madder if I don’t like a restaurant that she likes than if I call her daughters whores. (Her daughters by the way are lovely and most proper)

Anyway back to me and Julie.

We went back to the house feeling more than a little let down.

Julie and I slept in the same bed and may I recommend her to anyone who’d like to share  a bed with her.

She lies down on her back and doesn’t move. She sleeps like a salami.

She did make a few cutting remarks about my bite plate and sleeping machine but I put that down to hunger pains.

I do want to say that there was light at the end of the tunnel. I always prefer ending on a high note.

Our breakfast at John’s Pancake House  wonderful. In fact it pleased me so that I was more than willing to pose for this playful photo.





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