In the past when dave went on tour I never left the house until after I spoke to him in the morning and made sure I’d be home in time to get his evening call.
Since the time change with Japan was day for night, I’d sometimes have to stay home at least until 1 p.m. and be sure and be back by 8. He always called me twice a day.
I can’t tell you what a sinking feeling I had if I went down to get the mail or something and returned to a sleepy message saying “I guess you went out. I’m going to sleep now. I’ll call you in the morning”
He never ended any call without saying “I love you” but I can’t even write it now because I’m remembering it from a different place.
When cell phones came into being and he could reach me wherever I was or I was able to call him back if I missed him it gave me amazing freedom.
When I finally got an iphone, don’t ask. I could check my email too although he rarely used email.
The other night I went to a movie and I had to turn my phone off. I automatically hesitated for a moment until it hit me.
No one HAD to reach me any more.
My life was so entwined with dave’s before that he was the one whose call I was always waiting for. A call that no longer was going to come. (Although I did get an email from him during the movie telling me he’d let me know if one of his musicians would be able to depart from a european destination rather than returning to New York before leaving for Japan).
The truth is I could turn off my phone for weeks at a time now.
I’m not saying that there aren’t lots of people who love me and call me and I’m happy to hear from all of them. But it’s not the same.
From now on there will probably be loads of these little moments where changes pop up that I never thought of.
Now it’s not like I didn’t foresee some of them. For example, (see title)
Mattie, I have found that when what appeared to be a really good relationship ended, I tended to only think of the good things I missed about my ex, and not what he actually did to me in the end. So, one day, I was chatting with my friend’s mother, crying over the fact that I was going to be without zebramusselhead on New Year’s Eve, and she looked me straight in the eye and said “Aislinn, do you mean the bastard who cheated on you and left you for another woman? Get your head together, for God’s sake!” And ya know, that’s the slap in the face that I needed. I won’t say I never thought about him again, but it sure did give me a kick in the ass.
So, Mattie, the man whose calls you miss is the man who cheated on you, and left you without a moment’s thought. Would you really want to get a call from someone like that?
I try to remind myself that the man I’m missing is the man I thought he was but you’re right.
i understand it all. mattie. he was the love of your life.but, he betrayed you. he wasn’t honest with you. you are wonderful, & don’t deserve this!
I love you Barbara.
Don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok.