145. If I ever date again it will be with a warm blooded animal, maybe a pig.

I went to my shrink yesterday.

I have been having a kind of setback.

I cried all the way to her office and the whole time I was there.

I kept saying to her, ” I’m really much better. Most days I’m very happy. Except for this nervous breakdown and the terrifying dreams I’m fine”.

She says it’s normal. When you’ve been together for almost 40 years it isn’t a clean break. There will be waves of sadness.

I told her that I think it started a few weeks ago when I realized that even though I didn’t know it he must have not loved me for a long time.

The word unloveable keeps coming up in my mind.

She reminded me that I knew he was kind of limited in that way from the first.

I had told her that when we first started living together we went up to his apartment to get his mail. There was a big pile of bills on the floor and 3 or 4 big fat letters from his mother and sister. He only picked up the bills.

I always used to say that even though I loved a load of people he only loved me. The next person was way far down and I suspect it was

I know it’s strange but I can’t even remember living with dave. It’s sort of a blank. I know we used to laugh a lot but I can’t remember at what and I couldn’t repeat one conversation we had that didn’t have to do with  business.

Oh yeah I do remember one thing “I’m in love with a japanese woman”

Today he forwarded a letter that he sent to a musician that he’s hiring for the tour. He referred to me a few times as “my wife Mattie”.

It seemed so weird reading that. He’s on our boat with another woman yet he uses that term. I almost feel like saying “How dare you”. I don’t identify with it at all.

I don’t sign my emails to him because I used to sign them wifey.

By the way, I’m not down anymore.

My shrink upped my meds and today I’m right as rain.

2 thoughts on “145. If I ever date again it will be with a warm blooded animal, maybe a pig.

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