371. I only wish that my Aunt Rae had given me some tips on the birds and the bees. I wouldn’t be in this fix.

Yesterday I drove Julie to Connecticut so that she, Ann Leary and Laura Zigman could entertain people and save a library. I’m very intellectual and that’s why I offered to help.

I also like to use every moment I have with Julie to work out the problems of the world.

Why just yesterday what was supposed to be a one hour trip turned into over an hour and a half due to torrential rains and traffic but we didn’t let it get us down.  It gave us the opportunity to put that “alone time” to good use.

I don’t know what came up first. Either John Mayer or Jessica Simpson, it’s not important. What was important was that John said Jessica was “sexual napalm”.

We were wondering what constitute’s “sexual napalm”. What extra do you have to do to fall into that category?

Julie guessed blow jobs. She said people in hollywood probably don’t give blow jobs.


“Didn’t you see the Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson video? If that guy could talk someone into  doing that to him I gotta think blow jobs are rampant in LA.  Here’s my take on it. Guys like to think ladies think they’re hot stuff so if the girl let’s out a few “oys”  they feel powerful and associate the girl with being hot. And a polite “thank you goes a long way too”.

Julie: “Good to know. Now what do you think of that Syria thing?”

370 Friendship, Friendship, just the perfect Blendship

I was talking to David the other day and I mentioned that my friend had wanted to talk about dave’s motivations but I realized that since it wouldn’t change anything I wasn’t interested in discussing it. I simply didn’t care.

David said “Well you still write about him”

My answer to that was “Only in terms of how it effects me now”

For example my sister just had her knee replaced. She needs someone with her all the time. Without a husband I won’t have that.

“What about all those relatives you keep yapping about?” He actually said “loser relatives”.

I explained that they would definitely be there for me. But they have lives. They can’t live with me and I wouldn’t want them to.

I went on to say that he, on the other hand, would have me. “I would care for you until Lizzie came home. In fact I think I’d like to have you in my power.”

His rolled his eyes and said “It would be like the movie “Misery”


He added, “Of course you know that if the tables were turned, except for my throwing a bagel at your door each morning, you wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of me returning the favor.

I know he didn’t mean that. After the first day he’d never remember to throw a bagel at my door.

369. How old do you have to act before they put you on the ice?

I went out to dinner with an old friend last night.

As the owner of the restaurant, we’ll call her Sofia, showed us to our table I noticed another friend, Dick Fox and his wife were dining there.

I said aloud to myself “Is that Dick Fox ?”.

Sofia answered “Yes it is”.

Now for those of you not in the know, Dick Fox is a major doo wop producer and really a nice guy.

For those of you in the  know, he’s a major doo wop producer and kind of a prick but I will always love him for one reason. He made it possible for me to sit in a room with Bobby Rydell, Frankie Avalon and Fabian and say to myself that if I could have imagined when I was 13 that I would have been sitting there with these guys, the rest of my life would have been golden.

Anyway, I went over to Dick to say hello and returned to my table.

While we were waiting for our food, Sofia came over and asked if we wanted some prosciutto. I’m a “regular” and I am often offered a little something extra.

I didn’t but I turned to my friend and asked him. He thought for a minute but decided not.

“No prosciutto, Sofia, but thank you”

My answer didn’t seem to satisfy her because she shook her head no and asked again.

We went back and forth like this a few times and she was beginning to get on my nerves.

Finally I said ” Come closer, maybe I’m not hearing you correctly”

She leaned in and said “Dick Fox is what kind of producer?”

I told her and the rest of the night I kept thinking ” I come in here all the time and the bitch can’t even offer  me  a little prosciutto?”


368. Every time someone isn’t an asshole I am so grateful.

I actually have a lot to do today so I shouldn’t be writing but I am.

I”m having a ladies lunch with Julie, Susan and her daughter Nicole/Daisy.

Since there will be no boys there I’m wondering if combing my hair is a must.

I think I know the answer to that. Nah.

I spoke to one of the guys that’s renting my house for the summer yesterday.  I loved him so much that I’m afraid that my wish to show him a great summer will mean that I have to add a rec room or home theatre before he gets there.

He was so sweet and he loves his mother. Plus he asked what was expected of him and his friends while staying in my house. I wanted to make him think that I’ve done this before so I contemplated saying what everyone says to anyone renting their house, “Just don’t any of youse go fallin’ down the stairs” but I stayed mum.

I had another interesting interaction yesterday. I heard from one of dave’s closest friends, Ben. His name isn’t really Ben, it’s Bill but he’s kind of a secretive cat so I’m going to call him Ben.

I’ve always loved Bill, I mean, Ben. So has everyone in my family. I always have him at Seders and things because I just do. In fact a few years ago he couldn’t come and the first thing my little niece, Lily said was “Where’s Bill?”. ( I’m not doing the Ben/Bill thing any more.)

Anyway I have to admit I missed him and I was a little sad that I hadn’t heard from him much but really glad to talk to him yesterday.

Naturally we talked about dave and his shock at what happened and being who he is he was saying that dave has always been so generous with his time and help and had such a strict moral code that he had trouble understanding how he could justify what he did to me.

He started to suggest reasons for this in dave’s past when I realized that I don’t give a shit why.  Maybe in the beginning of this whole thing I would have been interested in discussing that but now I couldn’t care less. I’m so past that.

I’ve got more important things on my mind like what kind of car I should buy the kid who’s renting my house.