385. If you know how to build a car does it matter if you do it naked?

I’m going to discuss politics today.

People are running for Mayor of New York.  This is a City known for it’s great Mayors but the new crop seems like a bunch of lightweights.

I used to like Anthony Weiner before he,  you know,  started showing his weiner.  I’d watch him on news shows or Bill Maher and mostly agree with him.

I may even still like him but whenever I say this Julie jumps down my throat and starts yelling about his poor judgement and David just makes a shooting sign in the air.

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My theory is that you can be a schmuck and still be able to do brain surgery. Sexual preference or even weird stuff as long as it doesn’t involve children or animals doesn’t affect your ability to run a company, a city or even a country.

I’d vote for Bill Clinton, and FDR and John Kennedy again in a heartbeat.

This sounds like I’m pushing for Anthony Wiener for Mayor. I’m not.  I’m just saying that if I’m forced to vote for him because the others are so lame it won’t be the worst thing.

Speaking of politics. Everyone is all up in arms about the President inspecting all our stuff. What’s the big deal? Maybe he’s just doing it because he’s nosy.

And you people didn’t think I was an intellectual.

Besides, my two eyes see differently so I’m acting crazy.

384. The fly in the ointment lives across the hall from me.

Miss Liz and her father were in town with her father staying at my house.

The whole thing went swimmingly. As always I was so happy to see Lizzie and, if I do say so myself, I was “hostess with the mostess” to her Dad.

He was a charming guest and I  pulled out all the stops. I put cookies and a water pitcher in his room in case he got hungry or thirsty during the night and I bought and installed a new shower head in the bathroom to give him a perfect bathing experience.

The shower thing didn’t quite work out the way I planned.

After he left I noticed that that white tape I put on to seal it was hanging down and must surely have hit him in the face during his shower.

Also, note to self, always check your guest bathroom to make sure the bathtub drain isn’t clogged. I”m thinking that standing in a foot of dirty water might have taken the shine off his toilette.

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But the man is charming and gracious and I loved having him.

What I should have done was given David the same warning before Doctor Tom came that I gave him when we went out to eat with my friends, namely don’t say anything to make me uncomfortable.

It was difficult enough playing Pearly Mesta with a plastic patch on my eye without him trying to make me look stupid at every turn  just for sport.

For example, asking me to name the four states that border each other might be funny to him but I’m sure you couldn’t find 6 other people who have that knowledge at their fingertips. And since Michigan rarely gets a mention in normal conversation I can only say that it was a kindness on my part to include it as one of the 4.

Because  Liz’ father was there  I had to smile charmingly at all his barbs and pretend that stuff just slipped my mind and that, as I confided to Dr. Tom, I like to keep geography on the back burner so I can concentrate on physics.

He seemed to buy it.

383. Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee

So yesterday I had my “nose job”.

I had sent Julie all the information so she could pick me up. The email had the address of the hospital, the name of the doctor and the phone number to call to see when she should come and get me.

Her response. “And you are?”

After the operation Julie was waiting for me. I was wearing a big bandage covering the whole left side of my face. For some reason my nose was completely uncovered.

She leaned forward and said in a very loud voice ” Mattie, it’s me, Julie”.

The kid never let’s me down.

Since the hospital is only 6 blocks from my home we walked.  At one point my niece was distracted by a text and I walked into a chain link fence but other than that the trip home was uneventful and my little button nose remained intact.

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It was so not a big deal that I’m thinking of having my other nose done in 2 weeks.

382. Cops and jerks.

Last night  I went to dinner with David and The Schwartzbergs. More about that later.

Just as I was about to leave I got a call from my real estate agent saying that the police had been called because the neighbors were furious that there was so much noise coming out of my Montauk house.

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She suggested that I call my tenants and give them the riot act.

I don’t have their phone numbers but I emailed the sweet one this morning.

I'm so glad you seem to be having a great time.
I got a call yesterday from the real estate broker that the 
neighbors are going nuts and it appears that there was some 
police involvement.

Frankly I don't give a crap about the neighbors but 
it might be nice to tone it down a bit.

Mattie

I hope that wasn’t too harsh.

I wouldn’t know my neighbors there if I fell over them but I have had a running conversation with the kid and I even heard from his mother so let’s see, who would I prefer had a good summer, a bunch of strangers or 6 or 8 fun loving twenty-somethings who gave me money? No contest. Let’em get ear plugs.

Now back to dinner.

I warned David that he must behave and not say anything that would make me cringe. He didn’t answer me but he clearly got the message and behaved beautifully.  Both Susan and Allan thought he was a real charmer.

This morning we were having coffee together and the subject came up of Sue and Al being vegetarians. Something this guy from Texas simply can’t understand.

He asked me if it was for their health that they didn’t eat meat. I said, yes but also humanitarian reasons.

“Humanitarian? ” another word he doesn’t recognize. “That’s ridiculous .”

“Why do you think I don’t eat pig?”

“I thought it was the Jewish thing.”

“It’s because they’re so smart. I’m hoping to eventually cut meat completely out of my diet.”.

“Now why would you do that? If we don’t support mass production of meat one third of the world would starve. Luckily it would be the third I don’t give a fuck about. ”

That, by the way, is exactly the kind of thinking I begged him to keep to himself while dining with my friends.

Now how do I get him to shut up around me?