I had plans last night to go to dinner with my old friend Bill.

I was waiting for him to arrive when I got a “cocktails?” email from David.

He knows and likes Bill and Bill likes everyone so I said bring your drink over here.

“I’ll be right there. I want to show you what I just got in the mail.”

He arrived with his drink in one hand and a hatchet in the  other.

“Why would you buy a hatchet?”

That made him mad. “Don’t call it a hatchet. It’s not a hatchet. It’s a Sog Tactical Tomahawk. It can split a kevlar helmet.”

“You live in New York City. Where are you going to find someone wearing a kevlar helmet? Even one that doesn’t need splitting?”

Naturally he ignored the question. The guy has enough knives and guns to form an army. Of course he needed a tomahawk. He had to be ready if someone wanted to attack him on his couch which is the only place he goes especially during football season.

“Here’s the thing. I can see someone like you looking at a tomahawk but to actually call and give them your credit card- Why?”

Again my question wasn’t worthy of an answer.

“I’m going to just leave it next to me and not say anything when Bill comes. Don’t you say anything either. Let’s see if he notices it.  Wait, take a picture of me pretending to hit Raymond with the Tomahawk and you can put it on your blog”

NOTE TO READER: You think I exaggerate my descriptions of David but if this doesn’t clearly say what this jerk is nothing does. HE DOESN’T EVEN CARE THAT I CALL HIM A JERK.

“Remember, don’t call it a hatchet”

He leaned over to make sure that I wrote “Sog Tactical Tomahawk” correctly.

“I want your facts to be right. A hatchet would make me look like a weirdo.”

Bill and I went out to dinner. Since the restaurant was just down the block we decided to risk it and not be armed.