You know how when you get nervous you start saying nutty things?

I just realized that maybe that’s only me.

Lew dying did something to me in addition to making me sad. It made me decide to go to the doctor.

To most people that’s something they just do but not me. I am terrified of going to the doctor. Mainly because I’m scared of being scared.

It isn’t dying I’m afraid of. It’s being told that I’m dying.

I do my best to protect myself from that by either not going for check ups or lying when I do go.

I feel if the doctor is worth his salt he’ll be able to tell what’s wrong with me me without my help.

Anyway after Lew died I called my doctor. A really nice man that didn’t ask too many questions and I loved his nurse. Unfortunately he no longer takes my insurance so I had to search out someone else who does.

I decided to go with a woman this time. I’ve never been to a woman doctor. I was afraid I’d become a lesbian but at my age any port in the storm.

And although my natural urge was to go to a Jewish woman I decided that I’d best choose someone from a poor country who’d find someone a bit overweight as a positive sign of health.

I chose a Dr. Lee.

Now onto the crazy part.

I called her office which is right down the block from my house and made an appointment for this morning.

But before actually confirming it I let them know what they’re in for.

I explained that I’m really nervous about going to doctors. “Is she nice?’ I asked.

“Really nice. We’ll take good care of you”.

I felt a little better but here’s where the nuttiness comes in.

Just as I was hanging up I looked for reassurance. “So everyone will be nice to me?”

“Yes they will”

And then here it comes. “And no one will make fun of me?”

“Huh? Make fun of you? Of course not.”

I have no idea why I said it or what it meant. But immediately the woman’s voice went from reassuring to frightened.

That’s when I wished dave were there. He would have grabbed the phone from me and told them I was only joking. After all his job was to rebuild all the bridges I burned.

But he wasn’t there. It was only me meekly saying “Well see you Monday” and hanging up.

Anyway I’m expected there in 20 minutes so I have to go. I’m cringing at the thought of introducing myself but I have on my diamonds, took a mental patient pill and I combed my hair neat.

I’ll let you know how it goes.