I was walking Debby and as usual she tried to attack a dog walking by us.

Even though I was holding my snarling dog I couldn’t help but notice that that other dog was beautifully coiffed.

So I started thinking.

Maybe I should give the Debster a bath.

After all she’s only had 3 since I got her 5 years ago but she doesn’t smell in the least.

I went back to that thinking thing and the sandwich popped into mind.

Earlier this year Julie and I were going to Costco and she said “Your car stinks”.

“I don’t smell anything so shut up”.

Since we were at our destination the subject was dropped.

Then I did that thinking thing again.

I had noticed that whenever I picked up my car at the garage all the windows were open.

hmmm.

I put 2 and 2 together.

The next day I took my car to be cleaned.

Brought it back to my lot and didn’t use it for a few weeks.

When I did guess what happened!

The windows were all open.

This needed real detective work.

When I opened my trunk I was patting myself on the back for finding a tunafish sandwich and a coke.

Not one to rest on my laurels I decided to fix the problem and I bought a bunch of those little stinky trees that they sell in carwashes and threw them all in the trunk.

Problem solved.

Anyway Julie had to go to the hospital and my sister, Debby and I picked Julie and Dan up.

Since we were sitting in the front Julie and Dan sat in the back

We had only gone a few blocks when Julie weak as she was says “Your car still stinks.”.

Since she had just been unwell I let it pass.

I figured she’s under the weather so who knows what she’s smelling.

Anyway what was I saying?

Oh yeah. Should I give Debby a bath?

You tell me? Does she look like she smells?

I don’t think so

Even though it was drizzling I walked my dog this morning.

I got halfway down the block when I saw a man lying on the ground across the street.

People walked by him as if he was a shrub.

No one stopped even tough some looked down at him and kept walking.

Now I have a history of being a hero.

Once in Vero Beach I once caught and held a pelican while a fisherman cut a fishline around its mouth to the applause of passersby.

For the scientific part of this blog I will tell you that pelicans are surprisingly light. It seems they are all feathers.

Back to today.

I pulled Debby across the street to save the day for this poor man.

He was semi conscious. His eye’s were fluttering.

“Can you speak?”.

He tried to answer but he couldn’t.

“Just lie still. I’ll call for help”

I called 911.

“Don’t move” I said. “Help will be here soon. I won’t leave you”

I reached down and held his hand for comfort.

Needless to say Debby wasn’t at all happy about this.

In fact I’d almost say her attempting to bite the guy suggests that there is only one hero in my family and it ain’t her.

It had gotten pretty rainy by then but neither rain, sleet nor snow will stop a hero!

Or a pissed off dog.

The ambulance finally came.

The EMS lady came down.and looked at the man.

I started to give her what medical information I had gleaned.

I started with. “semi conscious…”

She interrupted me.

“Save it. This guy’s drunk as a skunk”

Did I say hero?

I meant schmuck.

Now Zen

My niece Julie and her son David and I went up to Granville to visit my sister.

We had a wonderful time. We brought our dogs who also had a great time.

We all love each other so much.

We all laughed and talked and hugged during our time together.

My sister’s house is beautiful and she has great friends. and neighbors.

Let me tell you about the town she lives in.

David and I did a little shopping.

We went into a store that had a big sign out front. (this is a very law abiding placed)

YOU MUST HAVE PROOF OF A LICENSE TO CARRY.

Inside the place was an upside down American flag.

This is a town of many rules.

Books are carefully eliminated from the school rooms so as not to shock the minds of their little ones with past records of slavery or anything that can even suggest a relationship between anyone who isn’t a man, woman or a goat.

I found it interesting though that on a main road in the middle of town there is a house with a big flag on it that proudly states “Fuck Biden”.

Thee was also a house that defined the word “ramshackle’. And outside the house was a big sign that said ” Make America great again”

Nuff said.

Now on to my money making scheme. Actually it was Julie’s

We were driving home when Julie said “Do you know what Only Fans is?”

“Yes”I said ” It’s a good way to make money”

Julie answered “You know, you don’t have to be naked. Lot’s of people can really haul it in showing their feet. And they don’t have to be nice feet”

“I know” I said. “There are loads of thing that can be money makers. I’m sure there is someone out there who’d break the bank to see a fat old lady au natural.”

Julie jumped on that.

Not the fat old lady thing but she had really big bunions so she had surgery on one of her feet but it didn’t turn out well so she didn’t do the other foot. She said she thought she could really rake it in with the mixed medley foot fetishers.

We spent the rest of the ride discussing what we could show without being kicked out of the family and what we would do with all the dough we’d haul in.

I’ve done enough for you people. Now Zen

As you can see Debby felt right at home.

My little niece Sadie has an internship with the Brooklyn DA and since she’s from Annapolis she’s staying with me for the summer.

This has good and bad things about it.

The good:

Anyone who has Sadie living with them is so lucky. Number one you almost never see her because she’s out with her friends.

Number two the few times you do she empties your dishwasher. Walks your dog. Takes out the recyclables and throws away the old things in your refrigerator

She’s a delight.

EXCEPT

She’s very neat which is making me be neater than I chose to be.

I don’t like to be neat.

The other day she was having some friends over.

Before they arrived she comes into my room where I’m happily watching a Housewife reunion and asked me if I’d mind if she cleaned the kitchen before her friends came over. I got the hint and cleaned it myself and she said “Nice job”.

I even put on make up before they came so as not to embarrass her.

So I complain to my nephew, her father.

“If she empties the dishwasher one more time she’s outta here!! (I usually use the dried dishes until I run out.)

THEN look at this!

This is my livingroom.

If my maid came in today she’s assume I was dead.

Speaking of Housewives, and I was, I notice that in all cities whenever they see each other they tell each other how great they look. EVERY SINGLE TIME!

So I was thinking, maybe my friend Susan isn’t so great after all.

I don’t remember the last time she greeted me with “Nice Black Lives Matter shirt” or more recently “Nice Biden shirt”.

You can learn a lot from these ladies.

And here’s your zen

(The kid also keeps taking cute pictures of my dog)

I myself didn’t notice it.

Of course I did go flying across the room at 10:24 but I thought that was because I’m 80.

To tell you the truth I’m glad we had one.

I’ve always thought NY (only the city) was hipper than California (LA).

Mainly because actors are such schmucks while we have fat people and muggers.

But they had that earthquake thing which suggests that they’re tougher.

Well who’s tougher now?

You don’t see us walkin’ around saying “Oh my building fell down” or “Has anyone seen my roof?”

Why?

Because even our earthquakes know how to behave.

On to another subject.

When you reach my age you can’t plan what memories will pop up any time.

Mostly they’re willies.

I already told you about how In the fifth grade I farted in assembly while I was sitting in between David Gillis and Richard Sheslow.

That one pops up biannually.

And if you think well that’s history you’d be wrong.

Because after I wrote that I got an email from Richard , saying “What’s up” but I know he was just trying to remind me that no one escapes their past.

But as I said we New Yorkers are plenty tough.

We won’t be pushed around.

Not even our dogs.

Yeah we get a lot of crap about not fucking with the pansies.

WELL!

One is up her husband’s ass and the other one is in Florida.

So I’m going to have to think without their input.

The world is so shitty now.

The fact that trump could possibly win the election again fills me with despair.

What’s going on in Israel horrifies me.

People I love so much are in danger.

What the Supreme Court is doing to women’s and other’s rights is terrifying.

I hate all this and more. Almost as much as I hate the Grande Dame.

Wait no…more.

So I’ve decided to change from being a one issue nut.

I’m going to only wear my BLM shirts once in awhile.

Don’t get me wrong. Black lives still matter to me. I have not forgotten George Floyd but I have to pay attention to this other stuff too.

Of course this change cannot happen until it gets warmer because I only have one sweat shirt and it says…you guessed it.

Another tragedy has entered my life.

The Super that I love has been asked to leave on trumped up charges. The board of my building has been so awful to him that he’s probably glad.

Just to remind you why I love him…

He was fixing my sink.

That doesn’t mean I’m not jam packed with info on my fabulous life.

Well that’s not quite true. Plenty has happened but most of it boring.

But that never stopped me before so here goes.

People have died that I loved.

I got to be 80.

Interesting about the 80 thing. Strangers are really nice to old people and good looking people. It’s those middle years that are a bit rough.

Of course I’ve been able to extend that mean bit by wearing my BLM shirts. But that’s mostly middle age white men who use the term “dumb shit” so often that I was beginning to think it was a compliment

And I have another pet peeve.

Pansies.

Every Spring. they plant pansies around the trees in my neighborhood.

I have had a lot of dogs and none of them are toilet trained and all of them like to go on dirt to do their business.

Now that the pansies are here I must take a load of abuse when Debby pees on them or even worse.

Just this morning a guy said “Well there goes another plant” after Deb peed.

I passed that plant an hour later and it was just fine. It even appeared to be smiling.

And there’s Twitter.

As soon as it was bought by Elon Musk I canceled it.

You all know why.

But I believe I suffered more than Elon did.

I have nowhere let my anger out about my housewives.

Wait a minute! What do I think this is?

Im sure you people want to know who I like and who I hate.

I hate the grande dame. She really thinks she’s a babe? Grande dame of my ass.

And don’t ask how much I can’t stand Candiace.

I would tell you who I like but who cares.

Now that I think of it maybe you don’t care who I hate either.

Anyway I have a question. If I rejoin Twitter because I’m losing the input of other people who hate the people I hate does that make me a trumper?

Well maybe this post isn’t that interesting but you get to know that I’m alive and willing to give you something that will make your day.

Debby enjoying a snack.

“Looks like the back stroke to me.”

Enough of the hilarity.

It must be fly season.

There are a bunch of flies in my house.

So I go to Duane Reade to buy a fly swatter.

They were out of them.

When I got home I saw that a fly appeared to be drowning in Debby’s water.

I’m not heartless I saved it.

Then I was thinking. If I couldn’t let that fly drown, how can I justify killing others.

So I decided to just let them be.

I watched my Housewives with 4 or 5 flies on the TV.

I put on my make up with I don’t know how many flies on the mirror.

One even landed on my face.

I’m thinking, I let you guys live can’t you lay low?

When I watched Debby jumping up trying to catch them because they were bothering her I considered that the last straw.

I bought a fly swatter.

For most of my life I’ve hated hunters unless they were hunting for food.

Looks like I’m having a fly sandwich for lunch.

And so is she.

So I’m thinking, I’m not talentless.

I just have to look at my skills and figure out how to monetize them. Now let me see

I know everything there is to know about the Housewives.

I can say mean things in a way that sounds like a compliment.

For example: Thanks to all the weight you gained you have almost no wrinkles.

My friend Susan considers that a real talent of mine. In fact I write all her mean letters for her. (mainly because she feels guilty when she says mean things which makes me wonder why I’m friends with her at all)

I can’t charge her for that but maybe someone reading this will be willing to throw a few bucks my way for the service.

I don’t want to lose any customers with this tip but when someone in a store is rude to you always say you forgive them since they must be depressed about being in this dead end job and by looking at them you can tell that this is as high as they’re ever gonna go.

Consider this a lost lead.

Then I started thinking…. I forgot that I have a real money maker in my house.

Assistant Plumber

Air condition repairman

Dishwasher

Placemat

Now how do I get her to do these things without biting anyone?