I’m having my apartment painted. Ya know for Julie’s book party. I want her to be proud of me.

The guest room/my office used to be where dave wrote his music. I almost never went in there because he kept the heat up to a million.

So as I was saying I am having my apartment painted. My super and his helpers  were up here yesterday pulling furniture away from the wall, taking down paintings etc.

On the desk was a big printer that doesn’t work but it was too heavy for me to lift. I asked them to take it away and dump it. I was throwing lots of things away.

They worked for several hours. After they left I went into my office to straighten out things.

On the desk behind where the printer had been was this, or these.

1. I didn’t know dave smoked and
2. Of course I found out that he was going steady and assume having sex in Japan.
3. The surprise was that he was having sex in NYC with someone who could either get pregnant or give him cooties.

It’s a good thing that I’m such a shitty house keeper. If I had found this a few years ago it would have broken my heart.

Now all I could think was ” Oh my God, what if the guys saw this and thought it was mine?”

I wouldn’t mind if they thought I was a slut but a smoker????

A side note: I didn’t really examine much of the stuff I put in the garbage . Later that afternoon I bumped into George, one of the guys who was helping me and he handed me this.

“I know you didn’t mean to throw this away”

I must have trashed it with a bunch of books. It was written by my father.

I just hugged George.

See why I love living here?

I remember about 30 years ago dave and I were in Montauk and we were at my friends Susan and Allan’s house.

Someone had knocked down their mailbox and because I’m always a trouble maker I kept urging Al to call the police.

Montauk was really a small town then and I believed that a bent mailbox was definitely something that the local cops would want to make note  of.

Al resisted until he looked at his roof and saw that his TV antenna was missing. Remember …30 years ago and TV antennas were high ticket items.

Seeing this he finally relented and made the call.

No sooner than 10 minutes later a police car drove into the driveway all flashing lights which happened to shine on Sue and Al’s roof, showing the TV antenna a few feet further back than Al thought. There wasn’t much crime in Montauk then

“Uh oh” Al said mumbling to dave to look up.

Luckily Al had said nothing specific on the phone only saying that there was some damage and something may be missing so after the cops looked around the house  searching for clues they promised to keep an eye out and left.

Why am I telling you this?

Well all yesterday, Sunday, I noticed that the a/c in my living room wasn’t working.

When I walked Ray this morning I asked the doorman to ask the Super, Lester , who from now on will be known as Alba’s husband, to come up to my apartment so I can get an explanation for this.

Since I can’t hear my bell and my dog is deaf as a doornail (is that a saying?) Lester usually just opens the door and walks in. He calls me until I hear him and we discuss whatever we have to discuss.

I have told him not to feel nervous about this since I am never naked.

I even wear slacks in the shower

Well he should be coming up any minute so since I don’t want to look like the fool Allan did all those years ago in Montauk I’m going to rip the wires out of my a/c unit.

I still have my dignity and I intend to keep it.

Did I forget to add that the a/c is working today?

Yep I’m home.

Ray gave me what to him was a gleeful welcome.

He hopped, twirled and barked once then he walked away.

I know he wasn’t suffering because his main caregiver, Alba, my superintendent Lester’s wife and my dear friend sent me photos of his time away from me.

Here he is at nap time with her son Christopher.

Our trip was wonderful.

Since Marcia and I are old we had a travel agent Eva who made sure that someone picked us up and delivered us to each place. Lucky because we couldn’t find our way out of a paper bag.

She also found us a sale on business class tickets. I have never traveled business class before and I was really looking forward to it.

Although it was way better than coach it wasn’t all I was told it would be.

For example my niece Stephanie (who’s rich and goes first class everywhere) said at the airport I could go to the fancy lounge where you could shower and drink and eat great food but when I came out of the bathroom with my shower cap, a towel wrapped around me and my back brush imagine my disappointment when there was no shower to be had. And the staff was absolutely snippy when I complained.

And I don’t say chips and a lettuce sandwich are snooty eats.

If that’s what they call ritzy you can have it.

I will say we loved Positano. The view alone was soul enriching.

Here is a picture of the view from our terrace

We got this deal from Verizon where for $10 a day you could use your phone as if you were in NY so Marcia was able to keep in touch with her husband.

I put that time to good use taking selfies.

I know there is nothing more boring than looking at other people’s vacation photos but here’s one more. Or maybe two. I couldn’t resist including our swimming in the Mediterranean.

My sister and I love each other so much.

Well as I said I’m home now with my boy  sleeping on my lap catching up on my Bravo shows and all is right with the world.

Well maybe not all. Notice the title of this post.

We’re in Positano.

This is a land of hills and even the pool is a million flights down but we made it because like our forefathers who fled across the desert to escape the Pharoah, we like to take a dip in the afternoon.

So Marcia goes in the pool first. I notice that she’s chatting with someone. It seems that this man and his family are going to Capri, the place we just left.

Here’s what’s odd about her speaking to this guy. We don’t let anyone talk to us. I’m surprised to see her yapping away. I go in the pool and drift over to her.

She’s telling him about this great restaurant that we ate at in Capri.

“It was the best restaurant I’ve ever eaten in” I hear her say.

“You will never eat a better meal” she continues.

Stupid me, I interject, “You don’t know that Marcia. He may eat gourmet meals all the time”

Marcia answers me with a sort of sneer “The man is from Minnesota ”

Now I know that like myself, my sister believes that the USA is a vast wasteland between New York and California but  i really try not to let the middle of the country know that I think that 90% of them are married to a close relative. Not so Marcia.

The guy spent the rest of the conversation dropping international places he’s visited trying to get a bit of respect back from Sis.

Yep We’re making friends left and right.

It’s finally here. The day of my trip to Italy with my sister Marcia.

I believe I have thought of everything.

Ray has sensed my excitement and has abandoned his usual blasé attitude to clinging to me like a lamprey.

All that’s left is for Marcia to pick me up on her way to the airport, she lives upstate, about 5 hours away, when the phone rings.

Marcia,  “Something terrible has happened. I forgot my passport. I have to go back or have someone bring it to me.”

It’s a few days later.

Marcia got to the plane minutes before the doors closed. We hugged and hugged.

Of course they lost her luggage so we had to wait a day before I could stop seeing her in a  wrinkled blue skirt.

I know what you’re thinking. I should be feeling sorry for her because she didn’t have a change of clothes but hey it was my trip too and she put a kink in what I liked to refer to as “My Vacation For The Eyes”.

After Marcia’s bag arrived we were able to begin the trip anew.

We decided that the Naples part would be spent broadening our intellectual horizons.

We were on our way to this famous castle. Our travel agent Eva said it was not to be missed. She even booked us a hotel within walking distance.

We were on our way there when we happened to come upon a little store that sold earrings that looked like real roses.

No sooner did we leave there when lo and behold a luggage store.

When we changed planes in Rome we lugged our really heavy carry ons for the 30 mile treck to the plane that would take us to Naples.

Two old ladies chugging along gasping for breath while everyone else floated along with their carryons on wheels.

After the luggage store…..

When I get home I’ll send you a picture of that castle in the distance. Next time you’re in Naples you MUST visit it and let me know what it looked like.

For the past month or so I’ve been very careful.

I look both ways when I cross the street. I take my vitamins. I stay away from anyone who even looks like they may be coming down with something.

Just last week I invited Julie and her family to dinner. Later in the conversation she mentioned that she wasn’t feeling up to par. I rescinded the invitation.

Why?

Because on Wednesday my sister Marcia and I are leaving for our yearly week in Italy. Why Italy again? Good eats and neither of us speaks Italian so we don’t have to talk to anyone but each other.

We look forward to this all year. We love each other so much and for that week we don’t have to think of doing anything  but making ourselves happy.

The other day I was patting myself on the back for being right on schedule for the trip when I noticed that  Ray was limping slightly.

I will save you the details of how limping slightly turned into hopping on 3 legs.

When this guy is happy he looks like he just ate a lemon. Imagine how he looks when he’s sad.

And me leaving him in a few days with… well not me.

I’m boring myself so I’ll just cut to the chase. I took him to the vet.

For only $466 I found that he turned his ankle.

By that night he was walking just fine and dancing like a lunatic when I picked up his leash.

Not to say he didn’t have a pissed off expression on his face.

He isn’t a guy that wants me to have a happy moment. Even though he’s cured he needs to show me that everything still isn’t perfect.

Just now I heard him mumbling the dog version of “ahem” so I would see that  he couldn’t even get up the energy to get his whole body in his bed.

I ignored him but out of the corner of my eye I saw him checking to see why I wasn’t looking.

What a prick.

Let me explain.

My great nephew Jordan came to visit with a friend. I was really happy because he lives far away and I don’t get to spend time with him very often.

They were in New York City to go to a concert in Brooklyn.

When they were about to leave Jordan reminded his friend to bring his ear plugs.

Ear plugs? To a concert?

I was able to get an answer to my puzzlement the next morning.

They explained that the music is too loud for them to bear without the plugs.

“But it’s music. You are blocking out any subtlety in the sound. What’s the  point of hearing live music?”

Clearly I didn’t get it.

“Did anyone else bring ear plugs?”

“Oh sure, almost everyone.At least 50% of the people”

But I don’t want you readers to think I’m totally out of touch. I do realize that there is a difference between how I live in the world and how young people do it.

For example;

My sister and I are going to Italy in a few weeks. My nephew Scott used to stay here to mind Ray but since I heard him agree with Stephanie that Ray was not “all there” he is no longer my first choice.

As I might have mentioned I am very close to my Super and his wife Alba and they are both dog lovers.

Alba said her son and two nephews with her overseeing it will take turns staying in my apartment while I’m away.

I have spoken to all three boys and told them that as long as they are nice to my dog I don’t care if they have hookers here or run a meth lab.

Just to make sure I meant it one of them asked if hookers were okay.

I told him “It’s fine with me as long as while you’re doing whatever you’re doing with them at the same time you’re reaching down and petting my dog.

But I digress.

Remember when I told you that one of my nieces asked me what my calculator was and screamed with laughter when she realized it not only was an adding machine but it was plugged in?

Well it was for that reason that I bought a Mr. Coffee so that my dog sitters would be able to make coffee since I had a Farberware coffee pot and there is no way they’d know how to use it.

When I explained that to Jordan and his friend over breakfast they both looked at me blankly.

“That’s a coffee pot?”

“You saw me pour coffee out of it. What did you think it was?”

Jordan; “I thought it was a pitcher to keep the coffee hot”

This went on and on. I won’t bore you with hows stupid they were and how out of touch I was.

But they are cute aren’t they?

Ever since the election I haven’t been myself PLUS all this week I had a cold.

(I know you think this will be a downer but wait)

At 6:15 this morning Ray started barking.

Normally I would just drag myself up and take him out because I am on this earth to serve him.

But for some reason today I mumbled “Gimme a break” and he did.

He jumped right back into bed and went to sleep.

At about 7:30 I woke up on my own and took him out.

THEN I found a dime in the elevator.

I know a better person would have turned it in so the rightful owner could retrieve it but I popped it into my pocket.

I am a woman alone who lives on a budget and this dime could enable me to buy an ice cream cone in 1945 (at least that’s how I rationalized it).

I no sooner hit the street when I noticed one of those guys who works for the Doe Fund* cleaning the streets trying to pull his hood up, it was raining.

Feeling a little guilty about the dime thing I said “Let me help you” and reached around, unzipped his hood and pulled it up over his head. He gave me a big smile.

Feeling really good about myself I decided to make this a teaching moment.

“You must always appreciate Jewish women because they never mind their own business and sometimes it comes in handy.”

He nodded sagely. I could see he was taking it in.

My new attitude of “giving back” (you know the dime windfall) made me think of a discussion I had had with Tammy Gordon.

“Who is Tammy?” you ask.

She is someone I met on Facebook. I’ve never actually met her in person.

When my husband dave ran away I took to writing my blog expecting only my family and friends to read it.

Much to my surprise Tammy, who worked for AARP then, liked it and encouraged me.

When I wanted to submit something to the AARP Magazine I asked her who I should send it to. She not only gave me the names but spoke to people at the magazine to smooth my path.

It turned out they hated everything I wrote and told me that they just don’t include that kind of thing in their mag.

And this after I removed all the fucks and threw commas hither and yon to make it seem intellectual.

Well a few years passed. Tammy left AARP and I think she started her own something but we’ve kept in touch via FB.

Earlier this year she asked if she could rent my Montauk house for a vacation.

I remembered how important her liking my blog was to me. It was the first thing that made me think that I don’t need dave to be creative.

I insisted that she go to the house free if it was before the season when I rent it which she did this past week.

Here she is enjoying herself;

And here’s her dog Ike lying on Ray’s pillow:

Why am I telling you all this? Oh yeah, the pay back thing.

Because Tammy wanted to send me a gift to thank me for letting her use my house which I told her was stupid because I’m letting her use my house to thank her for helping me with AARP and if she gives me a gift I have to thank her for for the gift and it will never end.

My friend Susan Schlossberg Schwartzberg and I hate when people do us favors because we feel so unentitled that if someone picks up a check for dinner we feel like we have to buy them a car.

I just read this over and it doesn’t make any sense but I think today is lucky so when it stops raining I’m going to buy a lottery ticket in case Tammy sends me a gift so I will be able to send her to Europe in return.

• https://www.doe.org/  This is a wonderful organization

  THE DOE FUND’S INNOVATIONS IN SOCIAL SERVICES HAVE TRANSFORMED THE LIVES OF TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WITH HISTORIES OF HOMELESSNESS, INCARCERATION, POVERTY, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, AND HIV/AIDS.

  I’ve seen these guys in my neighborhood for as long as I can remember. They are hard working and friendly.  In these disgusting times they can certainly use your donation

I was on the phone with my niece Julie Rose Klam  last week and she was telling me that her mother, my sister Marcia told her that when kids were mean to her our mother would have a talk with the offending kid while squeezing them on the back of the neck and she had long nails.

I assured her that that was true.  My mother was tough and a little scary to us but if anyone from the outside world attacked us in any way she would protect us to the death

When I was young little girls wore dresses with ties at each side of the waist that you would make into a bow in the back.

I won’t get into the back story but one day the doorbell rang and my mother answered it. I stood next to her.

On our front stoop stood Annie Dooley, Teresa Russell and another girl, I forget who.

In a sing song voice holding up one of the ties from Annie’s dress they reported in unison;
“Mattie tore Annie’s dress”

I just stood there blankly.  My mother said, “I’ll speak to her” and closed the door.

She turned to me, patted me on the head and said “Good girl” and went about her business.

I wasn’t surprised. My mother always defended us to outsiders and Catholics.

Now on to present day and my new dilemma.

Someone has planted pansies all around the trees in my neighborhood.

I’ve been taking a lot of flack because these pansies have been planted exactly where Ray likes to pee.

As you know I’m not a strict disciplinarian and even if I were I read while I’m walking him so even if I wanted to dissuade him from doing his business there I don’t notice him doing it.

Well let me tell you, my fellow New Yorkers are not shy about voicing their opinions. I rarely end a walk without getting a tongue lashing from a stranger.

Occasionally I try to defend myself by asking them how they’d feel if they really had to pee and there was a toilet every 12 feet that they weren’t allowed to use?

I wish my mother was here. I’ll bet at least 40% of them are Catholics.

If someone has their Wall Street Journal delivered to the ground outside their house are they or aren’t they just asking for dogs to pee on it?

Well the guy at 222 East 58 St. certainly has an opinion on that subject.

My hearing isn’t what it once was but I think that he called me a “punt” as Ray and I walked away.

I have a busy day today doing what I do best, ordering people around.

Miss Liz had her apartment painted and her floors  replaced. Since it’s all done I am overseeing the return of her furniture, some of which is stored in my apartment.

I’m sure if I “lose ” a few things she won’t know the difference.

Miss Liz’ parents were the fanciest people I’ve ever known.

I once told her that, adding that “they are like the Kennedys”.

She looked at me as though I had said that her father looked exactly like some guy I saw jerking off in the soup.

Lizzie is pretty fancy too. She has stuff to do any kind of thing you’d imagine. Say you wanted to serve artichokes. She has plates ONLY for artichokes.

Also she has dishes (salad, main and dessert) for 50. Heaven forbid a paper plate should touch her table.

I could go on and on in this vein but you get what I mean.

I’m going to have to fix up my apartment too.

Julie’s new book “The Stars In Our Eyes”, a laugh riot, is coming out in July and I’m planning on having a book party to celebrate. I want to make it spiffy.

Maybe I’ll serve artichokes.

I may be coming into some artichoke plates pretty soon at least that’s what I’m guessing.