867. Shades of Grey

My sweet niece Cheryl is visiting.

She and I  have somewhat of a routine.

During the day she has meetings and stuff (she’s a famous writer) but our evenings are pretty much the same.

1. Cocktails

2. Dinner, usually out

3. Pj’s

4. Download a movie.(We used to watch the Bravo shows that I had taped but she’s gotten so snotty that we don’t do that any more)

Number 4 is the hard one. Cheryl and I get comfortable in the 2 lounge chairs in front of my TV and then the negotiations begin.

I will say that when she first started coming here it was “Whatever you want Aunt Mattie”. Now we fight to defend our choices (Me= intellectual documentaries; Cheryl=anything with blood and guts)

Last night we were scrolling through the selections, nah, nah, nah. Nothing seemed right. We began again.

When we got to “50 Shades of Grey” there was a pause. Neither one of us gave it a nah.

“Did you see it?”

“No, you?”

“No”

Me, “You don’t think it would be uncomfortable watching this together?”

Cheryl “I don’t think it’s that explicit. I’m pretty sure it has a PG rating”

“Okay, let’s try it. We can turn it off or cover our eyes if it gives us the willies.”

It was a go.

Ar first our comments were very Siskel and Ebert.

Cheryl “He’s really cute but kind of wooden”

Me,”I got no problem with wooden”

Then Anastasia and Christian start getting more “involved”.

I was giggling nervously and glanced over at Cheryl. She was checking her email. She looked over at me.

“It’s kind of boring”

I’m thinking what kind of animals are my niece and nephew if this is boring to her?

But it wasn’t long before “boring” was a distant memory even to her.

“Holy Shit!” and “What the hell?” and “How did her parents let her do this?” (this only because we know who her parents are. If she was any other actress that wouldn’t have come up)

I have to say that this was the nakedest nakedness I’ve ever seen. She wasn’t even wearing a barrette.

Needless to say we watched the whole thing and to reaffirm that we were indeed true film buffs and not just pathetic voyeurs, we also viewed the “Making of the Film” documentary at the end.

I only have one comment.

How come no wieners?

 

 

866. Rent My House Puleeeze

Ray and I went out to Montauk this weekend.

I haven’t rented my house yet and I can’t believe it. It’s so beautiful.

lr

brbr1

My main purpose for going out was to check and make sure everything was tip top.

I decided that my living room furniture could use a cleaning so I called all the cleaning services but no go for a holiday weekend. I finally got the name of an off duty East Hampton cop who came over on Friday morning.

His name was Frank. He was just wonderful. He cleaned the furniture and when he saw that I was going to climb up and turn on the outdoor shower, he insisted on doing it for me.

I wasn’t crazy about the fact that I looked so feeble that he didn’t trust me to do it myself but I was also happy that I looked too feeble to do it so I didn’t have to.

I am proud to say that when I noticed the basement sink was stuffed up I took the pump apart and cleaned the filter and made everything work like a charm.

Anyway the next day he called and said I should call him for anything I need “including police stuff”.

I wonder what he meant by that. The only thing I could think of is that if I’m picked up for being drunk and disorderly I should mention his name.

Good to know.

I spent most of the weekend with Susan and Allan.

We went out to dinner and walked our dogs on the golf course at night.

Ray was in heaven except when we were in Susan’s house. He was really scared there. He spent the whole time hiding in the couch and only got down if I carried him to the door.

hiding

hiding1hiding2

 

I couldn’t really blame him.

Susan and Al have a monster in their house . Anyone would be frightened.

monster

 

 

865. Don’t ask

OUCHY, OUCHAMAGOUCHA, IIIIEEEEEE, YOWZA!

Sorry, was I screaming aloud?

I have some arthritis in my knees, but that’s not why I’m crying ( I am crying, you know, add a few SOBs to the above)

My arthritis is not enough to incapacitate me but it can be uncomfortable on long walks.

When you live in NYC that’s how you get around, walking.  And even though I’ve suggested it, Ray seems totally unwilling to take himself around the block to do his business.

I’ve lived with this for awhile, taking an occasional Advil or 3, but I was wondering if there was some over the counter item that I could put on to make it a bit easier.

Being very computer literate I went right to Google to get some suggestions.

I did a light skimming on the subject and found that there were 3 different ingredients that would do the trick, some distracted you with the cold in their creams and others with the heat. Another one blocked the pain from traveling to your brain. I didn’t see any that actually cured but that wasn’t what I was looking for.

I immediately went to the drugstore. They only had a cream with one of the names that I wrote down from the internet.

Home I went to apply it.

At first it was fine. A few minutes later my knees felt like they had hot burning oil on them.

I jumped in the shower to wash it off and it only got worse.

Hence IIIIIEEEEEE!!!

I ran to the internet and read what they said a bit more carefully. It seems that the stuff I bought was  made from cayenne peppers, something I could have guessed when I rubbed my eyes and saw stars.

Oh yeah and it said don’t add water.

Just then Julie called.

I told her about my plight and read her what was written about the cream.

One of the things I read that I forgot said that the cream may “produce a sensation of hot or cold that may temporarily override your ability to feel your arthritis pain.”

“Wait a minute Jules, I’m thinking that this stuff works. I don’t feel my arthritis at all. The only feeling I have is that I’m being burnt alive.”

“Great”, Julie said “Next time just call me and I’ll hit you in the head with a hammer”

Sounds like a plan.

 

 

864. The Pet Guru

My niece Randy visited this weekend.

I never get to see her so this was really a treat. And Randy is special.

When she was about 12 years old she used her allowance and baby sitting money to buy me a fish tank with fish in it. It cost about $21, which was a huge amount to a kid at that time.

Then about 15 years ago I decided to get parakeets. Randy who never does anything half way had about a million birds so she drove down and brought me 2 parakeets that had been hand raised by her.

I had them for a few years.

After dave left Randy decided I needed another pet. Luckily she had about 40 cats at the time and she gave me Elvis.

He was just a baby and as Randy said, she doesn’t usually give kittens to anyone over 65 but she figured if I corked off she’d take him back, so she waived that rule.

cat cute

 

I was worried that Elvis was lonely so Julie found me Ray.

As you know my baby boy didn’t outlive me but I really loved him and miss him still.

Randy was going to meet Ray for the first time.

He acted like a real asshole. He barked or cried every time we weren’t playing with him and insisted that anyone who sat down had to be constantly kissed.

Here’s Randy meeting her cousin.

Rnsdy:rfay

 

By the time she left the next day she was happy to get back to the peace of her house with her 10 cats, one dog and a few parrots.

rNSY CATS

863. Still sad but…

I keep looking at that picture of Lizzie and Rupe.  The expression on her face says it all. She knew that this was probably their last picture together.

I know how she felt. Every time she brought him home I’d give him extra hugs when he left because it was surely the last time I’d see him.

I started doing that sometime in early 2014 but that little bastard kept holding on.

Liz would bring him home and I’d open my door and Ray would run like crazy to her and Rupe would trudge down the hall towards me very slowly with his tail wagging a mile a minute.

We gave him a very good life.

When you are your lowest that’s when Cher (who I think is God) gives you a blessing.

I opened my twitter account this morning and who should be following me but Justin Timberlake.

I can’t tell you how happy that made me.

How did he hear of me? I had to think and think.

Was it through dave? After all, dave’s relationship with James Brown made him a big deal to obscure people.

But if that was it he would probably follow dave?

Maybe some of the other musicians who follow my blog mentioned how clever I am to him and he just had to see for himself.

I was stymied but proud.

I decided to email my show biz /facebook/twitter pro, Julie.

I know a lot of you people like her but let me tell you, she can be cruel. Not as mean as Steph, but definitely harsh.

I wrote “Justin Timberlake is following me. I wonder how he found me”

She didn’t even ask to see the proof.

“He didn’t”

“What do you mean?It had his picture on it”

“Look at the email address”

I looked. It was a little vague.

Resenting her terribly but trying not to show it I said “It had his picture and he’s following me and it’s real”

“Yeah, I’m sure Justin Timberlake has 300 followers.”

Justin, if you’re reading this come to my house like you did in that commercial and let’s show that bitch Julie that she doesn’t know everything.

Love, Mattie

862. Sad

Rupert, the boy with 2 mothers has died.

He was all sweetness.

Here he is with his birth mother, Lizzie, a few days ago.

liz and her boy

 

 

 

861. Friendship

My friend Susan, actually my best friend, called me this morning and said that I had given the wrong impression in yesterday’s blog entry in saying that I had few friends.

“That sounds as if you want more friends which I know you don’t”

Now few people know me as well as Susan does so if she says something I must pay attention.

I reread what I had written. Yep it did suggest that I was open to making contact with new people if given the opportunity.

The fact that I consider a shitty person like David as one of my friends makes one think that I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel because I have no choice.

Let me tell you something, it has to do with proximity.

If  1. David and Liz broke up,

or 2. David moved to the 17th floor. (As you know I live on 18)

I’d drop him like a hot potato and I know he feels the same.

Now this isn’t new for me.

Remember I said that when I was married I never went anyplace unless dave was either busy or in Japan working on his exit plan.

I never had a girl’s night or went out to dinner with a girlfriend unless dave was otherwise occupied.

When dave ran away I did go places but it was not a natural situation for me.

Now that I have someone to replace dave I am content again and the friend door is closed.

friend

 

There are exceptions.

I love being with anyone in my family. Maybe not everyone. I have a cousin who’s a real prick that I wouldn’t walk across the street to see. (You know who you are and if you don’t the other cousins do.)

I love being with Susan and when she joins us, Ronnie.

I guess that’s it.

I think there’s a girl in my building that I might want to be friends with. This is a combination of proximity and the fact that though she’s always nice when I meet her she clearly has no interest in taking it further.

There are people on Facebook that I really really like but they too are satisfied with leaving that relationship where it is and not moving to the next level and I’m fine with that.

The exception to this is the one who gave me cookies. I’ll let her into my limited circle any time.

 

 

860. No good deed

My nephew Terry is going to fix up my terrace so that it looks beautiful all year round with lots of evergreens.

I’m so excited about this but since I am not sane I am also suffering terribly.

I am so afraid that I am taking advantage of  him plus I am having bad dreams.

Last night I dreamt that he filled the whole thing with cement and turned it into an extra room without windows.

The night before I dreamt that I picked out so many expensive bushes that he had to sell his house because he didn’t want to disappoint me by saying no.

It’s a joy to do something for me, isn’t it?

On another subject, I was having cocktails with David last night. We were planning on going out to dinner.

Usually I drink a white wine very light spritzer but his company calls for something a little stronger so I had vodka.

This did have the unfortunate effect of me hugging and thanking for their service both my doorman and a cop who was giving someone a ticket outside my building. No need to go into that now though.

While David and I were chatting, or I was chatting, I remarked that I don’t have a lot of friends mainly because my closest friends are my family.

In spite of that low friend count I would still consider him one of them.

“Which is remarkable, David, because you are definitely the worst person I actually know”

“That may be true but you may also list me as the most erudite, sophisticated and well read person you know too”

Notice he didn’t argue with the “worst person” part.

I remarked that as far as David’s feelings towards me go I  know that the only times he wants to hang with me is when no one else he knows will play with him.

I’m not proud of that but that’s the way it is. I accept that.

I know people think it’s a one way friendship and in some ways that’s true.

I fix his computer and TV, I pick him up at the hospital, I take him to Costco.

He won’t mind my dog or help me in any way but I think that if I really needed him he’d be there.

Here’s the lousiest thing that dave did by leaving me.

For 40 years I counted on him, now I have to depend on a racist, nazi loving, gun carrying, right wing Republican in my times of trouble.

I said as much to David after my second cocktail and before the cop hugging.

He tried his best to comfort me.

“Don’t worry, if I didn’t hear from you for a week or two I’d call the super and suggest that he might want to look in on 18A.

859. Be nice to the people on the way up……..

Over 30 years ago dave and I went to a party at the home of a recording engineer that we used a lot.

Even though he was married I had heard that he was sleeping with a girl who worked in the studio, maybe as a secretary or as an assistant engineer. I’m not sure. It was a long time ago so some of the details are kind of vague to me.

When we got to the party I was surprised to see that he had hired the studio girl to tend bar. His wife was older and not as pretty as this girl but she was really nice and very warm and charming. Obviously she had no clue as to the relationship between her husband and the girl.

To say that this didn’t make me happy would be an understatement. I thought he was a real shit and I had no use at all for her.

Never one to keep my opinions to myself, I had plenty of snotty things to say in what I assumed was out of her earshot.

I did say to him “Your girlfriend is real classy. I love the way she snaps her gum”.

I never gave her another thought.

About ten years later dave was doing a few jingles for a major advertising agency. He told me that one of the heads of the agency would stop by and leave a tape.

She got there a few minutes before dave got home. She looked vaguely familiar but I didn’t recognize her until she asked me for a napkin.

“I know how it irritates you when someone cracks their gum so I’ll just spit it out”

All I could do was mumble something with a shit eating grin on my face.

Not long after that I went to an art show. The artist was very talented and he had a gofer there who ran around getting everyone drinks or whatever they wanted.

Still shaky from my previous experience, I was very friendly towards him and I think we even gave him a ride home.

And don’t ya’ know about 3 years later I met him on the street and he remembered me.

He was delivering for “Mr. Sushi” and offered me a free california roll.

 

858. People and Dogs are Funny

I spent the night at Stephanie’s and Terry’s.

I’m planning 2 trips in the near future. One to Santa Fe to visit Lizzie and another in October to Italy with my sister.

Since Steph and Terry will be in Santa Fe when I’m there, I’m hoping Scott and Mary will stay with Ray.

Ray is certainly getting used to being at Steph’s. He’s running around like crazy which is why, as you can see in this photo, he can barely keep his eyes open.

at steph's

That made me think that I could leave him with them for the week that I’m in Italy.

That is until both Steph and Terry told me that when I left the house Ray climbed on the kitchen counter and stayed there until either they chased him off or I came back.

I’m thinking Scott again. Ray just loves him.

It’s Sunday morning and as we sometimes do, David and I were having coffee together. Naturally I told him about the trips and my worries about leaving Ray.

After he let me know that there wasn’t one thing that I was saying that interested him at all, I proved him wrong by saying that I needed his advice on planes to Santa Fe. I remembered he told me that a flight to Santa Fe could be $1000.” Is that true?”

I don’t know how we got from that question to how I don’t know how big Texas is (like anybody gives a shit). I think it’s how boys are. You ask them any question and they tell you everything they know about it.

“It’s true I don’t know where Houston is or Dallas or any of the other Jew hatin’ cities in Texas are and I’m not going to Texas anyway.  I’m going to Santa Fe which I admit I couldn’t pick out on a map but since I won’t be navigating for the pilot what difference does that make?”

When he got tired of haranguing me for not knowing anything about geography he decided to lighten the moment by telling me that he was nice to someone.

“That’s news, who?”

“The skinny woman at the gym.”

Now this surprised me because he is always coming home from the gym in a rage because this woman leaves her coat on the machine next to her or leaves her machine sweaty or just offends him with her skinniness.

“What made you do that?”

“I don’t know I just decided to. I said “Good morning” and smiled at her.”

“How’d she react?”

“She was very pleasant”

I wasn’t surprised. David can be very charming when he wants to be, which is almost never with me.

“David I hope you don’t mind if I write about this. I so seldom have anything good to say about you.”

“It’s okay with me as long as you include what happened on the bus yesterday.”

“Okay what?”

It seems he was on the bus when a girl bumped into him while texting. She apologized and he responded with “I know it’s hard to be polite when you’re texting inane banalities to other little nitwits”

Maybe you can help me with this. Why would someone would be proud of being such a prick?