874.Good Bye Fame and Fortune

I”m back from Santa Fe.

In spite of David’s dire warnings, “Those fancy women will hate you.” and ” You can’t pack cupcakes in your suitcase” I was totally prepared.

I even contacted Yahoo Travel to let them know that I was going to another land and asking them  if  they wanted me to write about it. They seemed interested.

In order to make sure that I had all my ducks in a row I wrote to Lizzie and asked  her to send me a list of some of the sights of Santa Fe so that the big bosses from Yahoo could choose which ones they’d like me to visit.

She wrote back:

Thursday from 5-7pm, Santa Fe Ladies Happy Hour Social Club (don’t name names, 
or you’ll never eat lunch in this town again).

Other activities:
Santa Fe Rodeo - very big in town!  June 24-27
Start with a guided tour around Santa Fe in the back of a pick-up truck.  Return
to favorite locations for in-depth study.
Frito Pies at the Five & Dime - Anthony Bourdain said the Pie felt like a sack
of warm shit—although incredibly delicious.  Pick up a $2.50 pink cowboy hat
while we’re there (to wear to the rodeo).
Dine at La Choza Restaurant - scene of Sam Shepard’s recent DUI - bum rap: he
was over served and then they called the cops from the parking lot.
Mushroom hunting - fresh porcini in the woods of the Santa Fe Ski Basin.  First,
a lesson in identifying a porcini, and leaving the poisonous ones alone—they
really do look the same.
Weekly flea markets and yard sales—everybody’s junk is just passed from house to
house, it never leaves town.  Same with the dogs.
Visit to the Upaya Zen Center—I’ll give you $20 if you can sit still for five
minutes.
Ride in the Uber car in Santa Fe—I heard recently that there is only one.
(Don’t know if it’s true or not.)
Find resident writer George R. R. Martin and ask him when his next “Game of
Thrones” book is coming out.  In fact, tell him to go home and write.  He hates
that.
Loiter around the yoga classes and wait for Ali MacGraw to emerge.
Hang around Kaune’s Neighborhood Market and wait for Jane Fonda and her little
fluffy white dog to show up.  It can happen because I’ve seen them there.

Will think of a few more things before you get here.

xo

Doesn’t all that sound like fun? I was wondering how I’d fit it all in.

As I mentioned in previous posts my niece Stephanie and her husband were taking a
motorcycle trip in the area and Liz was kind enough to offer to have them stay at her house with us. They could hike and cycle and Liz would take me around so that I could fulfill my writing obligations (did I tell you that I’m an award winning writer?)and we’d all meet for lunch and/or dinner.
The weekend was jam packed with plans.

Here’s how it went.

Liz picked me up at the airport and we went to have cocktails with the ladies. I can’t tell you any of their names or write anything about them individually because Liz threatened me.

David assured me that I would be hated by all of them and I’d have nothing to say to them. I have to admit that I was nervous. I even wore a bra.

I was pleasantly surprised. They were warm and friendly, not New York friendly, no one asked what my earrings cost, but really nice.

There was one thing though, and I ain’t lyin’ because they’ll never see this. They were all beautiful and really put together which is one reason why I never want to see any of them again.

So David was wrong about one thing.

He was also wrong about not being able to pack cupcakes in your suitcase. They arrived in perfect condition.

cupcakesNot long after we got to Liz’ house Steph and Terry arrived and here’s where it all went to shit.

Whatever plans I had to pull a Hemingway went the way of the miles and miles of mountain views and lavender plants that were in bloom everywhere.

We did go out to lunch and when Liz drove Terry to the Harley Davidson store, Steph and I went shopping and in my state of happiness I bought a beige shirt. Did you hear that people? It wasn’t black.

Other than that here’s what we did;

chat 2

Terry, Steph and Lizzie

mecoffeeme

chat

Liz and Steph discussing the fall of Rome or where we’d go for lunch

oz

Liz and Oz

Those pictures were taken  in the morning. Replace those cups with cocktails and that’s how we spent most of the weekend.

That is until we heard about the Supreme Courts ruling on Obamacare and Country wide marriage for everyone.

Then we went into the Plaza to join in the festive feeling that was all over Santa Fe and I’d like to think the rest of the United States. It made me proud to be an American.

dance

gay

And of course my very good friend and possible second husband, Mr New Mexico

me and my fiance

It really was such a happy lovely communal time.

Back at the house we got ready to go home. I took a last picture of me and Liz (not really last, she’ll be in NYC on Tuesday)

me and liz

And after a drugged plane ride home I was welcomed by the love of my life.

home with pup

Wait Yahoo I’m sure I’ll do better on my next trip.

873. I can use my eloquence for good or evil

People over estimate the value of their possessions.

I was in the lobby when my down the hall neighbor asked me if I wanted to buy furniture or other items since she’s moving to another land. I know one of the items was a vacuum because she said it three times.

I wasn’t interested until she mentioned that she had terrace furniture.

Since my nephew Terry fixed up my terrace I’ve become terrace proud and told her I’d come and see it. I figured her back is against the wall and I ought to pick up something nice for about twenty bucks. Sweet huh?

She did have a small settee that had metal arms, a pleasure on a hot summer day and cushions that looked like when she wasn’t using them she kept them up her ass.

She was asking $500.00 for it. When she saw my mouth drop, subtlety thy name ain’t Mattie, she said “It’s a designer item”

This brought to mind when dave and I were apartment hunting just after we were married.

In about the tenth place we looked we were greeted by an unpleasant woman who showed us around this nightmare of an apartment. It was dark and depressing and had a black kitchen, well not totally black, the floor had gold specks in it.

She advised us that if we wanted to move there we’d have to give her the amount she spent to renovate the kitchen in addition to the window treatments.

I guess I was tired because I assured her that if we decided on moving in, money would in fact change hands but in the other direction to pay for getting all that shit out of there.

She threw us out.

dave and I had a big fight because after we left he called and apologized for me.

When I looked at my neighbor’s settee I thought about dave’s argument “What’s the point of saying that? Why do you have to burn your bridges? What if we decide we want that place?”

“It’s lovely. I’ll give it some thought”. She doesn’t have to be told that designer crap is still crap. She should be told but she doesn’t have to be told.

I’m leaving tomorrow for Santa Fe.

You will be surprised to know that even though I am a prize winning travel writer (ahem) I am terrified to fly. I’m shaking in my boots right now.

That’s one thing that’s giving me the screaming meamies.

Another is that I am leaving Ray.

I believe I’ve covered him very well though.

My nephew Scott is staying here. This is a wonderful choice. Whenever Scott minds Ray he sends me a picture of my dog having fun.

Unfortunately Scott has to work on Thursday and Friday.

But listen to this! Julie’s boyfriend and major hunk works near me and he’s coming over and eating his lunch with Ray and playing with him and walking him on those days.

(I’ll see that Julie does something extra special for him for that)

As for the weekend, I’ve bought 3 kinds of vodka so I’m hoping Scott will be too drunk to leave the house.

And to fill in and just help out I’ve asked David to  look in on Ray especially after Scott leaves on Sunday because I won’t be home until midnight.

I’m sure he will. This morning I walked blocks and blocks in the heat to buy him olives that are stuffed with bleu cheese.

I put them on his dining room table with a thoughtful note:

David

Here are the olives you love. If this isn’t enough for you to look in on Ray then you are a cocksucking fucker.

Love, 18A

872. A political position based on FACTS

The other day I was minding my own business and feeling all excited to be getting ready to visit Liz in Santa Fe. Even though it was a week away  I was beginning to select some cute outfits to pack.

Should I take the black or would the black be more appropriate?

My happiness was knocked for a loop when I got my mail and saw a letter from the IRS.

I don’t know about you guys but this kind of thing terrifies me. The IRS never writes to tell me I looked good the other day.

I opened it expecting to find a drawing of a noose inside (When I was single my father sent me $100 a month towards my rent and each month he inserted a drawing of a noose or a heart with a knife in it and blood dripping down or some kind of blood sucker. He was generous but snarky. I wish I had saved all those notes. I guess it being Father’s Day made me think of it.)

Back to my tragedy.

This year I had to pay estimated taxes, which I did. One check to the Feds and one to the State of New York.

The letter said that the check they received was addressed to the State and they were forwarding it to them.

I immediately looked at my bank statement and was relieved to see that though the State check hadn’t been cashed yet the Federal check had.

I’ll cut to the chase. When I called the Feds they had no record of the Federal check having been received.

It was clear that when my man Obama erroneously got the state of new york check, not being a fucking crook prick he forwarded it to the correct recipient.

When nys got a check NOT ADDRESSED TO THEM THEY DEPOSITED IT IN THEIR OWN ACCOUNT.

You may note that I have put new york state in that same category as someone else who let me down. NO CAPITAL LETTERS FOR THEM!

No sooner had the guy from the IRS given me that information when I started sobbing. “I was being so careful. I checked the addresses over and over and then I put the checks in the wrong envelope”

“That can happen. It’s not serious. It’ll be fine” the poor guy was trying to think of something to make me stop crying, which I eventually did.

Yadda yadda yadda,I called my accountant who said there’s nothing I can do except pay the Feds again and wait until an eternity to get the overpayment back from the state of new shitbomb.

Now why am I telling you this? Because you give the state a finger and they take an arm.

It is for that reason I wish to eliminate states rights and make our government some kind of King or Queen thing.

That way all the states have to be the same. If the King/Queen says anyone can get married. It becomes law. Of course there are people that will fight it like that politician who says he’ll set himself on fire if gays get married which is reason enough to pass the law.

Also no guns. If you have a gun you get bitch slapped in front of your friends.

I know there are some wrinkles I’ll have to iron out but I’m committed.

And get that confederate flag down. The King thinks it’s stupid.

871. “Puttin’ on the dog”

I’m preparing to go to Santa Fe to visit Lizzie in 2 weeks.

Stephanie and Terry are meeting me there and we’re all staying at Liz’s house.

They paid for my plane fare and though Terry was very gracious about it, Steph let it be known that I just may be treated like a second class citizen, middle seat on the plane etc.

It doesn’t really matter though because I’m so afraid to fly that I’ll be doped up and I won’t care where I’m sitting.

Yesterday David and I took Liz to the airport. She was returning to Santa Fe after spending a week taking a painting class at a villa in Rome.

We were chatting about my coming visit.

David told me that Liz’s friends are really rich and fancy and they’ll all hate me.

He suggested that I don’t ask any personal questions like “What’d that dress set you back?” or “How many of you ladies shave your pussy?”

Instead of saying  “That’s ridiculous, they’ll love her” Liz’s response was “I’m sure Mattie won’t say anything like that.”

I have to admit I was a little hurt but that got me thinking. I wonder if Liz is afraid that I’ll be, I don’t know, too “New York” for the Santa fe crowd?

To explain what I mean by that, a few years ago I was on Park Avenue walking Liz’s and I like to think “my” dog Rupert in his carriage and and a well dressed woman stopped me and asked if she could pet him. We chatted a minute and as I was wheeling him away she smiled and said “He is so fucking cute”.

I realized that only in New York would that be said with no raised eyebrows.

Liz has nothing to worry about. I’ve already worked out how I’m going to behave. I’ll make her proud.

When I’m introduced I’ll say “Charmed, I’m sure” and if it’s a man I’ll put out my hand for kissing (they like that).

I’ll also use the word “shant” a lot.

I think it was Emily Post who said that you shouldn’t announce when you have to go to the bathroom although that sounds odd to me.

I think it’s much more polite to say “Scusi, I gotta drop a deuce” than to just disappear in the middle of a conversation but “When in Rome…”

See how I used continental expressions? It’s 2 weeks away and I’m already getting into it.

I wonder if those people have high tea?

I’m not much of a tea drinker but I’ll certainly join in and since I find that in the last few years when I eat something flaky I tend to get it all over my shirt (and don’t ask about anything with a sauce) I’ll just tuck my napkin in my collar so after the meal I’m neat as a pin.

I do know that they stick their pinkies out when they are partaking  Hear that, ‘partaking’?

Yep my Liz won’t have anything to be embarrassed about on my account.

And as long as I pack plenty of Beano I’m good to go.

 

 

870. A fine time was had by all, I think.

I don’t know if this warrants a blog post but I believe I was put on this earth to teach and to learn. Or the reverse of that.

I was watching “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee” and Julia Louis Dreyfus repeated something that  her mother said which was “You always have to look forward to something”.

It can be, and usually is, something small. I love this idea.

For example I’m looking forward to going out to dinner with Susan, Allan and David tonight.

And after that I’m looking forward to my nephew fixing up my terrace.

Then on Sunday  “The Real Housewives” (that’s when there are a lot of them)

Then going to visit Lizzie in Santa Fe.

I WROTE THIS YESTERDAY but I realized that it was too boring to consider a post so I left it.

I believe I am able to finish it today.

Let me start with the email I got from David this morning.

“Quite a night! Do you have any clear recollection?”

I had no  idea what he was talking about. Let me think back.

Everyone was invited to my apartment for cocktails.

Susan begged me not to put out any snacks because she wants to save her appetite for dinner.

I’m no fool though. When you go to her house she has a spread like no one’s business and it’s always labor intensive. You feel like eating a turnip shaped like a camel?  No problem she’s got it.

She thinks I’m going to throw down a bag of fritos and call it a day? No Ma’am.

I go right to Whole Foods and purchase a symphony of treats.

I tidy up the house, lay out my spread and await my guests.

David is the first to arrive.

We each have a cocktail. I’m thinking vodka because it puts me in a party mood and my party mood is perfection. Ask anyone.

Due to traffic, Sue and Al arrive about an hour later, still an hour before our reservation.

Sue arrives with a bottle of fancy wine. If I had listened to her about not fussing I would have looked like a real shit. Luckily I outsmarted her.

Drinks all around. We’re all talking and having a lovely time until it’s time to go to the restaurant. I am in full party mood.

One of the reasons that David and I can go out to eat together comfortably is that we always split the bill. I will admit that if he orders a bottle of wine he always pays for it because I say I only want a glass. I do end up drinking more than that but only because it’s there and he doesn’t seem to mind.

We get to the restaurant and I immediately ask the waiter to give Sue and Al one check and David and I another.

“Can’t be done” which became his mantra for the evening.

The guy was clearly annoyed with any question we asked. If I had had any feeling left in my body I would have given him a piece of my mind but I could see that David was seething after the guy said no to almost anything we wanted.

I wasn’t going to let him ruin our time.

The conversation was flowing. At one point David was trying to poke holes in my assertion that though some things are not my business, other things fall under the category of NOT not my business.

For example, his sex life is not my business but where he got his suit, though not truly my business, is also not NOT my business.

It was then that I realized that just because something isn’t my business, there is nothing wrong with a friend asking a personal question just for curiosity’s sake. The other person is free not to answer.

As for me, my life is an open book. Ask me a question and I’ll probably give you an answer. Especially in my “party mood”.

So I asked David and Allan what I guess is a personal question. Now how do I put this less offensively?

Okay here goes, if in their sexual repertoire, they include fellatio (that wasn’t the term I used but I’m trying to be scientific rather than prurient)

Man you’d think I asked them how much money they have in the bank.

David let it be known that I don’t know proper dinner time conversation while my good friend of almost 40 years, Susan was laughing and Al just shrugged it off and kept eating.

I think it’s a WASP thing that you can’t even ask a simple question.

“No one says you have to answer, geeez.”

“I don’t get any complaints”

“Of course you wouldn’t if you don’t do it. The only way you’d get complaints is if did it and you bit her. And anyway don’t be jumping all over me just because I was trying to take your minds off the shitty service.”

I do have a vague recollection of asking the waiter for the check while mumbling “you fucker” under my breath. I think it was under my breath.

For some reason Allan said that he would go get his car to drive us home even though the restaurant was only a block or two from my house.

David thought that was a good idea.

Any evening that ends with me and Susan hugging each other outside my building and saying how much we love each other is a raging success in my book.

For the first time in all the years I’ve known him, David waited to see if I could get my key in the door before he turned to his apartment.

So as I was saying yesterday, you have to look forward to things and this dinner with my friends delivered.

869 Jes’ Being Neighborly

It was a little after 7:30 this morning and my phone rang.  I was up but still in bed.

“Hello”

“My God damn internet is out”

“David, it’s the crack of dawn.”

“I’ve been up for hours. My internet isn’t working.”

I know that David does a lot of business all over the world on the internet so this could be important.

“You want me to come over and fix it?”

“Yes” but he’s saying it like “Duh”

Ray has heard David’s voice over the phone so he’s twirling and hopping to the door.

I throw on some clothes and go down the hall. His door is open.

He’s sitting on the couch pressing the clicker over and over and cursing.

cable

“This thing keeps going out. What’s the code for the wifi.” Now note that this is where HE lives.

I give him the code but it still doesn’t work.

“I’m going to have to climb up and restart the modem.”

I go get the step ladder. He’s 60 and I’m 71 with bad knees but neither one of us suggests that he should climb up and do this because 1. he’s a spazz and 2. even if he climbed up he would have no idea how to disconnect anything.

This doesn’t work either.

Then he gives me the information that his phone has wifi, it’s cable and internet he doesn’t have. So clearly it wasn’t a business thing. I’m wondering what’s so important that he couldn’t wait an hour or 2 to call me?

I drag the ladder over to the TV and restart the cable box. He is mumbling insults at me the entire time.

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. You’re gonna break the whole thing.”

The box restarts and the cable and internet go on perfectly.

“What do you say?” I ask him as I stand up to walk out.

“Thank you. Wait a minute. You gotta watch this.”

He goes on Netflicks and clicks on a documentary called “Dawg Fights”, Bare knuckle fighting in the slums of Miami.

I can say not one word to show my contempt. I just turn to leave.

As I get to the door I say ” I’m going to be out with Julie today from 2 to maybe 8. Will you look in on Ray?”

He doesn’t take his eyes off the screen.

“Can’t, I’ll be in and out”.

 

868. We must keep on improving if we want to be better than other people.

Here’s why it’s important to have a sister when you live alone.

Tomorrow I’m going with Julie to an event that Dick Cavett will be at.

I was talking to my sister Marcia this morning and I said there are 2 good things about this and one bad thing.

Good 

1. I love being with Julie more than any other thing.

2. I talk to myself a lot and one of the things I talk about is what I would ask certain famous people if I were to meet them.

for example:

Billy Joel; What does “Vienna Waits For You” mean?  Met him, got my answer.

Dick Clark; Why didn’t “Remo Williams, The Adventure Begins” continue when at the end of the movie they said it would and it was great. Never met him. Still stymied.

Dick Cavett; You interviewed Jeffrey McDonald, the guy who is in prison for killing his wife and two children. Do you think he did it?

There are plenty more of these so the opportunity to meet one of the people who can answer my question is really good.

There is a side issue to this. I’ve had the opportunity to ask this question before. Dick Cavett has a house in Montauk.

You know, the place where I’ve had a house for over 30 years and due to the fact that my ex husband ran away to be in love, I’ve had to rent it out and none of you fuckers has seen his or her way to spending a lovely, peaceful, fun filled summer in the real happiest place on earth, I’m left in the lurch.

Not to mention that the spineless pieces of shit that came to look at it were scared away by a few carpenter bees and the inability to use the upstairs a/c because there is a bird’s nest under it.

Yeah I’m going to murder a few baby birds in the prime of their lives so you cock suckers won’t sweat a little and anyway that tiny a/c couldn’t cool that big room even if you did make me commit a major nature felony so you’d be fucked anyway and even a moron would know that if they just looked around the room and saw that I have 2 fans there.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I’ve been seeing Dick Cavett in the local store on many a Sunday where we buy the NY Times but I was always too shy to go over and talk to him.

This time I intend to fight my fear and ask him.

Bad

I have to leave Ray for a lot of hours.

When I told this to Marcia her reaction was that I’m taking all the joy out of having a dog I love.

I’m staying home way too much because I feel bad leaving him. He’s an old dog and he probably sleeps while I’m out. Plus he’d be dead if it wasn’t for me. And I leave food and the terrace door open so his needs are all taken care of.

I realize that I have to be reminded of this periodically so I can have a good life. That is because I am crazy.

I am turning over a new leaf.

I’m going to Home Depot today with out taking Ray with me in his carriage.

David said I have to buy a new bbq scraper because I’m still using the one he gave me five years ago and it makes him sick.

So much of what I do makes him sick. Remember when I complained about the restaurant next door having a B for cleanliness and he said that I’d have to work for a week to get my kitchen up to a B?

Also I’m looking forward to being with Julie tomorrow with no reservations.

And Susan, see you next week for lunch and a haircut.

One thing that won’t change is my contempt for you bastards that are afraid of a few bees.

You can kiss my ass.

 

 

867. Shades of Grey

My sweet niece Cheryl is visiting.

She and I  have somewhat of a routine.

During the day she has meetings and stuff (she’s a famous writer) but our evenings are pretty much the same.

1. Cocktails

2. Dinner, usually out

3. Pj’s

4. Download a movie.(We used to watch the Bravo shows that I had taped but she’s gotten so snotty that we don’t do that any more)

Number 4 is the hard one. Cheryl and I get comfortable in the 2 lounge chairs in front of my TV and then the negotiations begin.

I will say that when she first started coming here it was “Whatever you want Aunt Mattie”. Now we fight to defend our choices (Me= intellectual documentaries; Cheryl=anything with blood and guts)

Last night we were scrolling through the selections, nah, nah, nah. Nothing seemed right. We began again.

When we got to “50 Shades of Grey” there was a pause. Neither one of us gave it a nah.

“Did you see it?”

“No, you?”

“No”

Me, “You don’t think it would be uncomfortable watching this together?”

Cheryl “I don’t think it’s that explicit. I’m pretty sure it has a PG rating”

“Okay, let’s try it. We can turn it off or cover our eyes if it gives us the willies.”

It was a go.

Ar first our comments were very Siskel and Ebert.

Cheryl “He’s really cute but kind of wooden”

Me,”I got no problem with wooden”

Then Anastasia and Christian start getting more “involved”.

I was giggling nervously and glanced over at Cheryl. She was checking her email. She looked over at me.

“It’s kind of boring”

I’m thinking what kind of animals are my niece and nephew if this is boring to her?

But it wasn’t long before “boring” was a distant memory even to her.

“Holy Shit!” and “What the hell?” and “How did her parents let her do this?” (this only because we know who her parents are. If she was any other actress that wouldn’t have come up)

I have to say that this was the nakedest nakedness I’ve ever seen. She wasn’t even wearing a barrette.

Needless to say we watched the whole thing and to reaffirm that we were indeed true film buffs and not just pathetic voyeurs, we also viewed the “Making of the Film” documentary at the end.

I only have one comment.

How come no wieners?

 

 

866. Rent My House Puleeeze

Ray and I went out to Montauk this weekend.

I haven’t rented my house yet and I can’t believe it. It’s so beautiful.

lr

brbr1

My main purpose for going out was to check and make sure everything was tip top.

I decided that my living room furniture could use a cleaning so I called all the cleaning services but no go for a holiday weekend. I finally got the name of an off duty East Hampton cop who came over on Friday morning.

His name was Frank. He was just wonderful. He cleaned the furniture and when he saw that I was going to climb up and turn on the outdoor shower, he insisted on doing it for me.

I wasn’t crazy about the fact that I looked so feeble that he didn’t trust me to do it myself but I was also happy that I looked too feeble to do it so I didn’t have to.

I am proud to say that when I noticed the basement sink was stuffed up I took the pump apart and cleaned the filter and made everything work like a charm.

Anyway the next day he called and said I should call him for anything I need “including police stuff”.

I wonder what he meant by that. The only thing I could think of is that if I’m picked up for being drunk and disorderly I should mention his name.

Good to know.

I spent most of the weekend with Susan and Allan.

We went out to dinner and walked our dogs on the golf course at night.

Ray was in heaven except when we were in Susan’s house. He was really scared there. He spent the whole time hiding in the couch and only got down if I carried him to the door.

hiding

hiding1hiding2

 

I couldn’t really blame him.

Susan and Al have a monster in their house . Anyone would be frightened.

monster

 

 

865. Don’t ask

OUCHY, OUCHAMAGOUCHA, IIIIEEEEEE, YOWZA!

Sorry, was I screaming aloud?

I have some arthritis in my knees, but that’s not why I’m crying ( I am crying, you know, add a few SOBs to the above)

My arthritis is not enough to incapacitate me but it can be uncomfortable on long walks.

When you live in NYC that’s how you get around, walking.  And even though I’ve suggested it, Ray seems totally unwilling to take himself around the block to do his business.

I’ve lived with this for awhile, taking an occasional Advil or 3, but I was wondering if there was some over the counter item that I could put on to make it a bit easier.

Being very computer literate I went right to Google to get some suggestions.

I did a light skimming on the subject and found that there were 3 different ingredients that would do the trick, some distracted you with the cold in their creams and others with the heat. Another one blocked the pain from traveling to your brain. I didn’t see any that actually cured but that wasn’t what I was looking for.

I immediately went to the drugstore. They only had a cream with one of the names that I wrote down from the internet.

Home I went to apply it.

At first it was fine. A few minutes later my knees felt like they had hot burning oil on them.

I jumped in the shower to wash it off and it only got worse.

Hence IIIIIEEEEEE!!!

I ran to the internet and read what they said a bit more carefully. It seems that the stuff I bought was  made from cayenne peppers, something I could have guessed when I rubbed my eyes and saw stars.

Oh yeah and it said don’t add water.

Just then Julie called.

I told her about my plight and read her what was written about the cream.

One of the things I read that I forgot said that the cream may “produce a sensation of hot or cold that may temporarily override your ability to feel your arthritis pain.”

“Wait a minute Jules, I’m thinking that this stuff works. I don’t feel my arthritis at all. The only feeling I have is that I’m being burnt alive.”

“Great”, Julie said “Next time just call me and I’ll hit you in the head with a hammer”

Sounds like a plan.