I myself didn’t notice it.

Of course I did go flying across the room at 10:24 but I thought that was because I’m 80.

To tell you the truth I’m glad we had one.

I’ve always thought NY (only the city) was hipper than California (LA).

Mainly because actors are such schmucks while we have fat people and muggers.

But they had that earthquake thing which suggests that they’re tougher.

Well who’s tougher now?

You don’t see us walkin’ around saying “Oh my building fell down” or “Has anyone seen my roof?”

Why?

Because even our earthquakes know how to behave.

On to another subject.

When you reach my age you can’t plan what memories will pop up any time.

Mostly they’re willies.

I already told you about how In the fifth grade I farted in assembly while I was sitting in between David Gillis and Richard Sheslow.

That one pops up biannually.

And if you think well that’s history you’d be wrong.

Because after I wrote that I got an email from Richard , saying “What’s up” but I know he was just trying to remind me that no one escapes their past.

But as I said we New Yorkers are plenty tough.

We won’t be pushed around.

Not even our dogs.

Yeah we get a lot of crap about not fucking with the pansies.

WELL!

One is up her husband’s ass and the other one is in Florida.

So I’m going to have to think without their input.

The world is so shitty now.

The fact that trump could possibly win the election again fills me with despair.

What’s going on in Israel horrifies me.

People I love so much are in danger.

What the Supreme Court is doing to women’s and other’s rights is terrifying.

I hate all this and more. Almost as much as I hate the Grande Dame.

Wait no…more.

So I’ve decided to change from being a one issue nut.

I’m going to only wear my BLM shirts once in awhile.

Don’t get me wrong. Black lives still matter to me. I have not forgotten George Floyd but I have to pay attention to this other stuff too.

Of course this change cannot happen until it gets warmer because I only have one sweat shirt and it says…you guessed it.

Another tragedy has entered my life.

The Super that I love has been asked to leave on trumped up charges. The board of my building has been so awful to him that he’s probably glad.

Just to remind you why I love him…

He was fixing my sink.

That doesn’t mean I’m not jam packed with info on my fabulous life.

Well that’s not quite true. Plenty has happened but most of it boring.

But that never stopped me before so here goes.

People have died that I loved.

I got to be 80.

Interesting about the 80 thing. Strangers are really nice to old people and good looking people. It’s those middle years that are a bit rough.

Of course I’ve been able to extend that mean bit by wearing my BLM shirts. But that’s mostly middle age white men who use the term “dumb shit” so often that I was beginning to think it was a compliment

And I have another pet peeve.

Pansies.

Every Spring. they plant pansies around the trees in my neighborhood.

I have had a lot of dogs and none of them are toilet trained and all of them like to go on dirt to do their business.

Now that the pansies are here I must take a load of abuse when Debby pees on them or even worse.

Just this morning a guy said “Well there goes another plant” after Deb peed.

I passed that plant an hour later and it was just fine. It even appeared to be smiling.

And there’s Twitter.

As soon as it was bought by Elon Musk I canceled it.

You all know why.

But I believe I suffered more than Elon did.

I have nowhere let my anger out about my housewives.

Wait a minute! What do I think this is?

Im sure you people want to know who I like and who I hate.

I hate the grande dame. She really thinks she’s a babe? Grande dame of my ass.

And don’t ask how much I can’t stand Candiace.

I would tell you who I like but who cares.

Now that I think of it maybe you don’t care who I hate either.

Anyway I have a question. If I rejoin Twitter because I’m losing the input of other people who hate the people I hate does that make me a trumper?

Well maybe this post isn’t that interesting but you get to know that I’m alive and willing to give you something that will make your day.

Debby enjoying a snack.

“Looks like the back stroke to me.”

Enough of the hilarity.

It must be fly season.

There are a bunch of flies in my house.

So I go to Duane Reade to buy a fly swatter.

They were out of them.

When I got home I saw that a fly appeared to be drowning in Debby’s water.

I’m not heartless I saved it.

Then I was thinking. If I couldn’t let that fly drown, how can I justify killing others.

So I decided to just let them be.

I watched my Housewives with 4 or 5 flies on the TV.

I put on my make up with I don’t know how many flies on the mirror.

One even landed on my face.

I’m thinking, I let you guys live can’t you lay low?

When I watched Debby jumping up trying to catch them because they were bothering her I considered that the last straw.

I bought a fly swatter.

For most of my life I’ve hated hunters unless they were hunting for food.

Looks like I’m having a fly sandwich for lunch.

And so is she.

So I’m thinking, I’m not talentless.

I just have to look at my skills and figure out how to monetize them. Now let me see

I know everything there is to know about the Housewives.

I can say mean things in a way that sounds like a compliment.

For example: Thanks to all the weight you gained you have almost no wrinkles.

My friend Susan considers that a real talent of mine. In fact I write all her mean letters for her. (mainly because she feels guilty when she says mean things which makes me wonder why I’m friends with her at all)

I can’t charge her for that but maybe someone reading this will be willing to throw a few bucks my way for the service.

I don’t want to lose any customers with this tip but when someone in a store is rude to you always say you forgive them since they must be depressed about being in this dead end job and by looking at them you can tell that this is as high as they’re ever gonna go.

Consider this a lost lead.

Then I started thinking…. I forgot that I have a real money maker in my house.

Assistant Plumber

Air condition repairman

Dishwasher

Placemat

Now how do I get her to do these things without biting anyone?

So I was talking to my niece Julie Klam and she reminded me of something I left out.

Since she’s a famous writer I am immediately taking her advice.

I was talking to my sister and my niece on Face time and as we wind down we each say what we’re having for dinner.

Marcia said “hot dogs.”

And Julie asked “and beans”

And Marcia said “No because I have to take Beano with beans and I have none”

At Julie’s suggestion I will add to my list of things about living alone:

No need for Beano!

It takes a village to write a blog.

It’s been over 10 years.

Let’s start with me.

I don’t have to go on that fuckin’ boat any more.

I can lie across my king size bed when I go to sleep so I can see the TV better.

I don’t have to have the heat up to 90 in what used to be Dave’s office and is now my guest room.

Now his.

Since I do all the business for our Corporation and even still some of his I’ve been emailing him for month’s to send me some forms so that we can collect money owed to our publishing company.

I sent him an email for the millionth time last night at 2 a.m. because it’s 2 p.m. in Japan and he hasn’t started drinking yet.

Here was his answer.

“I’ll get back to you day after tomorrow. Tomorrow is David Matthews Festival Day in Hachinohe, so I’ll be busy all day”.

Nuff said.

Now Zen

By Julie Klam

I keep one Kindle in my bathroom because I need to keep my mind occupied no matter what I’m doing.

Read into that what you will.

Yesterday I decided to reread my niece’s book (see title of this post).

I first read it about 15 years ago but since my brain is like oatmeal it all seemed new to me.

You will be surprised to know that I am not a laugher.

I love anything funny but few things make me laugh out loud which is why my father always said that he was worried that I would marry Jack the Ripper if he made me laugh.

Well this book makes me laugh out loud every few pages.

It made me glad that I’m divorced because my ex husband had one thing he simply would not accept which was anyone laughing on the toilet.

In fact, if I was in the bathroom the first time I read it I would have been divorced 3 years earlier.

I want to be clear about this.

I am not writing this to push my niece’s book.

I am writing this because if you’re reading my blog I love you and am sharing a good time with you.

Plus I am lording it over you because I actually hang out with Julie and se is every bit as funny in person.

Now Zen

Plus Julie’s new foster

The other day I received a text from a childhood friend of my nephew and a favorite of my late sister Iris.

He had found a note that Iris had written to him yeas ago and sent it to me.

Here it is.

I forwarded it to the rest of my family.

Every single one of them, myself included, reacted not only to the sadness of the letter but seeing her handwriting

brought her back to us in a way that no email or text could ever do.

It brought to mind a collage that I had made years ago.

Little parts of this show the heart of my family history.

For example:

My father traveled a living. My mother wrote this to him on top of one of the kid’s letters.

It said “If I don’t get to talk to you soon I’ll burst. I miss you terribly (P)

And there’s this little note from me

Or this very informative and hopeful letter from Iris about our cousin’s new dog.

And Phyllis wrote

Marcia let my father know about the movie she saw even though she had shitty seats.

Look, these letters were all written in the 1940’s and will be of no interest to anyone who isn’t in my family.

But here’s my question to you.

What kind of letters can your children put on their collages?

Now everyone will need this after reading this boring blog….

I know you look to me for all the answers

Particularly on the subject of pets and their training.

My dog training school was only closed due to 6 or more of you neglecting to read the fine print re: non refundable deposits.

Your notifying my sister and threatening to beat me up was uncalled for and made it necessary for me to change the location of my school which I will do in the near future.

Anyway, back to my current situation.

Yesterday I drove my niece Julie, the kindest girl in the world, to New Jersey to pick up a sad little dog that will need medical attention and a new home.

The meeting place was at a McDonald’s in Fort Lee.

We got there early so I decided to pick up some dinner for myself and Debby.

This happens to be the Debster’s favorite food.

when we got home I removed the pickle and the cut up her cheeseburger.

Come morning I go into the kitchen and find this….

In the living room I find this

A dog going through the garbage, not news.

BUT… also in the kitchen..

I’d like to mention that the pink bowl has a cut up cheeseburger in it.

I tried to question her but she pretended I wasn’t even speaking

Maybe youse can figure it out.

Anyway Happy Birthday in heaven Mom. I love you.

If you were here I’d ask for your advice but my dog Norman uses to hide a meatball behind her bedroom curtain when we’d visit so that he’d have a snack next time we came back.