91. First a kind of Muzak, then slowly I added a rhythm section, maybe soon I can add horns, It might take a while but eventually I’ll be able to add strings.

Stephanie and her husband, Terry,  are with Terry’s family on some Caribbean island for the holiday. This morning I got an email from her saying:

“Those blogs are heartbreaking Mattie.  I don’t even know what I can say although the sooner you can forget his name, the better…”

I don’t want the blogs to be heartbreaking to her. I want her to think of them as me being put in a position that I never thought I’d be in and learning how to deal with it.
Writing it down clarifies things in a way that talking about them never does.
For example. As soon as I finished my last post, writing about dave asking for more money I wrote to my lawyer saying I  want to get moving on the divorce.
I’ve been kind of floating along not really accepting the fact that he’s gone for good. As long as I still was paying most of the bills for both of us and he wasn’t around. I could live my life pretty much the way I always have just with him “not around”, almost like he’s on tour except without the daily phone calls.
But if you read my blog from the beginning you’ll see that there have been changes.
I have to start with my life before this happened. It was bland. reasonably happy but my accomplishments were all in helping dave fulfill his potential.
Then the unthinkable happened and I was crushed.
Slowly, my family and friends came to my side and made it somewhat more bearable.
Then I started writing and it helped me see things clearer.
I couldn’t believe it when people I didn’t know responded to me.
Eventually my life became more and more about me.
Now I won’t say that there aren’t dark and scary times but they are far less dark and come way less often.
I’m seeing the other side of this in the distance.
So Steph, don’t worry. I’ll be okay. Especially if I can dump this fucker before he spends all our money on his whore.

5 thoughts on “91. First a kind of Muzak, then slowly I added a rhythm section, maybe soon I can add horns, It might take a while but eventually I’ll be able to add strings.

  1. “Writing it down clarifies things in a way that talking about them never does.” Excellent. I had a crappy, unexpected breakup long ago: many of my friends are divorced. It seems to me that one of the really important jobs in the process is remembering who we are, in ourselves, not as part of a couple. Write your way back to you. Cheering you on!

  2. I’m happy to see you told the Attorney to get moving, secure your future and then really get down to discovering who and what you really are … a wonderful and talented woman 🙂

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