I just did something so freudian.

I was writing to my lawyer and I signed the letter,

Best,

Married

Instead of Mattie.

Obviously I caught it but man it gave me chills.

Also don’t know why I insist on telling jokes to my lawyer. Maybe it’s because I want to seem like more of a person to her. I don’t think it’s working though.

When I do it in person she just looks at me blankly. In this letter I told her that I was having nightmares that dave was coming in and stealing the checkbooks. I added that that’s probably the jewish version of the train going through a tunnel.

I can just imagine that steely stare.

Now why was I writing to her?

Funnily it had something to do with Julie’s reading last night. I met a funny, lovely woman who reads my blog. I liked her so much that if she lived near me I’d want her for a friend. Don’t be scared, Debbi, you’re safe. You live way far away.

We were talking about my situation and later when I thought about it I didn’t like the way I came off. Like a wishy washy noodle.

I kept saying that I felt protective of dave and I didn’t want to hurt him.

The truth is I do want to hurt him. I know I said I didn’t want to talk about my dreams but last night I dreamt that I was on vacation and dave was there and he was sleeping with all my friends and stealing my checkbooks.

In my dream I was beating him to a pulp and I only woke up when my sister called.

Because I’m worried about not having enough money after the divorce I’ve been putting this off but I realize that until I put him out of my life I can’t get him out of my dreams.