dave answered my last email.
He said he appreciates that I am being fair and he thanked me for being who I am. He asked me to please forgive the stupid things he said when he was mad or upset or scared.
The truth is I do.
Then he gave me a list of things he needs me to do for his business.
I realize that this email was more hurtful than when he’s mean. It was polite and businesslike. As I’ve said before, the opposite of love is indifference.
The main reason I have to finish this relationship off is because every contact is painful to me.
I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. He isn’t a mean person however there is no way he can do what he’s doing without causing me pain.
But enough about me.
Today I went to Goldie Schwartzberg’s funeral.
If ever a funeral was a celebration of someone’s life this was it. No one was crying. We were all laughing about the joy of spending time with Goldie and how she enjoyed being with us and was always laughing.
Al quoted the time we were all sitting around the table in Montauk and she couldn’t stop laughing while I tried to convince her that Allan was gay. I even had proof.
When dave and I bought tennis racquets Al was totally disinterested. A new television, nothing, but when he heard that I had a sewing machine he was over there like a shot trying it out.
There was no joke that she didn’t get.
She wasn’t perfect though. She actually believed that her neighbors loved when Allan practiced the drums day and night while he was growing up.
Just before the funeral started I heard Al tell Sue that he had to pee. I told him that though there was no bathroom nearby, there were big bushes all over the place. Just step behind one and pee. Noone would see him. I would go with him and we could pretend that we were talking. I had already seen Allan’s pee pee years before so he didn’t have to be embarrassed. (more about that another time but I will say that when I told Goldie the story, she laughed)
I guess he thought it would be disrespectful so he refused.
While I was listening to the Rabbi I noticed that the tops of all those bushes were green and healthy but the bottoms all had dead branches.
All of a sudden it came to me. With all the mourning old jews coming to that place you gotta assume that 90% of them have to pee and not all of them are as gentlemanly as Allan Schwartzberg.
Goldie would have let him pee. She thought that whatever he did was perfect.
Goldie sounded like some cool lady. I know someone else who has a great sense of humor and can find no wrong in the right kind of people.
Goldie sounds like she was a hoot. My kind of lady.
Now, on to dave. I can see your pain through your words. I don’t think it’s humanly possible not to feel pain after all those years together. There is no quick fix. I do think that limited or no contact is best, and if you truly believe that it’s over, then I think you should really put the wheels in motion to get him out of your life for good. There’s no healing an open wound when the knife keeps going back in.
I wish that at this time in your life you wouldn’t have to be feeling the kind of pain that usually comes earlier in our lives, but alas, that is not the case.
The best you can do right now is focus on yourself. There will be better days ahead, and believe it or not, one day you won’t care about dave But all that comes with time. Writing about it does help, I know. Just know that people are reading your words and sharing this tough time with you. I’ll light a candle at my church for you. You don’t even have to be Catholic to enjoy the benefits. I’ve lit candles for animals, and they were Mormons. Well, they were polygamists, so I figured they were Mormons.