99. I’m beginning to think that cocktail hour should start at around 3

Last night I went to Julie’s for dinner.

She was worried about the tone of my last blog.

Before my father died I would call him every day. If he was happy in my morning call, I breathed a sigh of relief and the rest of my day went well.

I almost didn’t want to call back later in case he was feeling low.

I know that when I’m feeling good and I write about it, my whole family feels better.

When I have a set back they are sad.

I can’t think about that though because this blog is too important to me.

Recently I read it from the beginning and I could see the improvement. I am sad way less often but lately my sadness occasionally feels like despair.

I will say that now I can push it away and go on. In the beginning I couldn’t.

Someone commented on one of my posts saying,

“If you truly believe that it’s over, then I think you should really put the wheels in motion to get him out of your life for good”

I realized then that though all my friends kept saying ” He’ll see what a mistake he’s made and come back” and “This kind of thing never lasts”, I never believed that.

I knew that morning 6 months ago that it was over. There was no discussion of couples therapy or trying to work on it.

It never even occurred to either one of us.

So my darling Julie, don’t be sad for me.

Although I don’t fully believe it when people say that what’s ahead of me is will be better than the past, it might be.

And I do know it will be better than it is now.

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