160. I’m a New Yorker. If I don’t start and end my day risking life and limb, I ain’t living.

I went to my pool yesterday and it was closed for repairs.

The old me would have said “This seems like a sign to go home and watch tv” but no that isn’t what I did.

Lew Soloff has been trying to tell me that I should be going to a club where the patrons don’t carry a shiv. He says it’s not only for exercise but for socializing.

Although the thought of trying to lure a man while wearing my bathing suit, a bathing cap and nose plugs isn’t ideal, in fact the thought of any man in my life gives me the dry heaves, I went into a fancy sports club a block away from my house to see what was up.

Now anyone who is reading this has probably been following my post and knows what a shallow person I am so realize that my commitment to fitness must be great because I’m dressed for the other pool, my bathing suit sticking out from under my shirt, no make up and more important NO JEWELRY to flash so they know that I’m important.

Anyway I go in and ask about rates etc. It isn’t a million dollars and I could see loads of hard bodies exercising on top of the line machines.

The manager offers me a 3 day pass and says “Wait until you see our pool”

I go into the women’s dressing room and take out my lock. Since I’m a rebel it’s a combination lock. If you recall in the other gym they strongly suggest that seniors use a key lock because they keep forgetting their combo.

I go into the pool room. It’s all sunny and has a glass ceiling. The pool itself is smaller than the other pool but the room is much nicer.

One half of the pool was being used to teach 3 under 5 girls to swim. They were all crying.

The other half consisted of 2 narrow lanes.

One lane had a woman with a personal trainer  holding on to the side of the pool and kicking with floaties on her upper arms.

The other lane had a man with a combover and a woman in full make up with sun glasses, earrings and a hat walking back and forth past each other  very slowly. Each of them carried a noodle.

The guy teaching the girls looked over and told me that the lanes would be available in 5 minutes but there were 2 people ahead of me so I’d have to wait 1/2 hour but then I could have 30 minutes to complete my laps.

When combover heard that he had to give up his regime in 5 minutes he went apeshit, screaming at the life guard who immediately gave him an additional 10 minutes while admonishing him to speak to him in  a more respectful tone. (in my other pool the life guard slaps you silly if you even look like you might interrupt his nap)

Throughout this the life guard paused periodically to whisper in the ear of one or the other little girls in what was clearly some kind of threat because each time the kid screamed bloody murder. Their nannies sat in lounge chairs barely looking at them.

I did my laps and changed back into my clothes.

When I got in the elevator combover got in with me. He said he noticed me in the pool and bragged that he had been coming there for years. He spoke with a jewish accent and immediately started complaining about having to share his lane with the other woman. Although it seemed to me that the only negative to sharing for him was that occasionally their noodles would get tangled up, I commiserated. We jews have to stick together.

“I thought she was your wife”

“No,” he said “I’m single”

I see what you mean, Lew. It’s a regular Match.com.

10 thoughts on “160. I’m a New Yorker. If I don’t start and end my day risking life and limb, I ain’t living.

  1. When I come tomorrow I’m bringing my suit AND my noodle. But I think I need a bathing cap with flowers or something that will draw attention to me when I show off everything I remember from synchronized swimming in the 7th grade. Keep your eyes open.

  2. Thank you for sharing your great story telling. You have such an eye for the details that make the scene come to life. “Combover.” You slay me! I really needed to laugh out loud this afternoon, and I thank you for helping me out with that. Your fan, Felicia.

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