168. When in hell will this be over????

I was feeling pretty happy today.

I met Julie for lunch and had plans for dinner and to hear a good friend’s husband play in a band tonight.

We got there and I knew a few of the musicians. They came over and kissed me. Some knew about me and dave, some didn’t.

They started to play and I looked at my friend.

She looked the way I must have looked thousands of times.

She was proud and also attracted to her man.

I felt such grief roll over me in a wave.

I surprised myself that the tears welled up in my eyes.

I knew that not only would I never watch dave play again but I would never be that person in the audience again. The one feeling proud and lucky. Sitting at the special table near the bandstand, knowing that he would look at me with a question in his eyes to see how the band sounded.

And suddenly I realized that those special faces he makes while he plays would now be familiar to that stranger.

6 thoughts on “168. When in hell will this be over????

  1. I really think it’s way too fresh to make any determinations of how you would feel in 10 years. Basically I think, but don’t know ……you would always be cautious emotionally but probably will go to hear him play again, perhaps not be proud, but will be capable of enjoying his music again (unless she’s accompanying him…Hah. ) Someday you’ll be able to laugh at this thought

  2. My husband is a writer and I know exactly what you mean: he will look at someone else for affirmation, for a nod of approval, for a smile that says it all. It’s hard to let go of so many years of habits, and only the women who experienced what we did can understand the depth of our anguish.
    I am OK with the separation and I am looking forward to the new phase of my life, but there are traces that still need to be erased! And it takes time:(

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