When Lisa, my agent, asked me if I was angry at dave, I had to stop and think.
I know I feel sad. I know I am scared about the future but angry? uh uh.
I am starting to get a little angry at myself for this.
Bills have been piling up.
Even though money has been coming in it’s not enough to keep up.
In the past I would take money out of what my father left me to make up the difference but all the liquidity of that is gone.
I finally asked dave for money. He had just finished an album.
He immediately arranged for it to go to me.
I was able to pay most of what we owed.
Instead of making me happy it made me sad. I’m even crying now while I write this.
I know he needs money but he didn’t hesitate to send it to me.
It’s so much easier when he’s thoughtless.
Now I know that I’m going to get a bunch of comments saying that it’s because I’m nice, except for Stephanie who will be disgusted with me. (Although even she said a few weeks ago that she’s realizing that she’s feeling the loss of uncle dave too.)
And she’s right. There’s nice and there’s martyr like.
When I think of him needing money it breaks my heart but then I must remember that he needs money for her too.
He’s the one who told her to quit her job so she could spend more time with him. I have to keep remembering things like that.
It’s almost a year. Why am I not over this? The longer it is, the more I remember his good sides. The bad stuff fades unless I force myself to remember it.
Mostly I feel good but every once in awhile I get these setbacks.
Okay, my sister and Julie just called and made me feel better. I’m not sad any more.