187. Here’s why I’m beneath contempt

When Lisa, my agent, asked me if I was angry at dave, I had to stop and think.

I know I feel sad. I know I am scared about the future but angry? uh uh.

I am starting to get a little angry at myself for this.

Bills have been piling up.

Even though money has been coming in it’s not enough to keep up.

In the past I would take money out of what my father left me to make up the difference but all the liquidity of that is gone.

I finally asked dave for money. He had just finished an album.

He immediately arranged for it to go to me.
I was able to pay most of what we owed.

Instead of making me happy it made me sad. I’m even crying now while I write this.

I know he needs money but he didn’t hesitate to send it to me.

It’s so much easier when he’s thoughtless.

Now I know that I’m going to get a bunch of comments saying that it’s because I’m nice, except for Stephanie who will be disgusted with me. (Although even she said a few weeks ago that she’s realizing that she’s feeling the loss of uncle dave too.)

And she’s right. There’s nice and there’s martyr like.

When I think of him needing money it breaks my heart but then I must remember that he needs money for her too.
He’s the one who told her to quit her job so she could spend more time with him. I have to keep remembering things like that.

It’s almost a year. Why am I not over this? The longer it is, the more I remember his good sides. The bad stuff fades unless I force myself to remember it.

Mostly I feel good but every once in awhile I get these setbacks.

Okay, my sister and Julie just called and made me feel better. I’m not sad any more.

7 thoughts on “187. Here’s why I’m beneath contempt

  1. Mattie, after reading this post, and all of your other posts, the only thing that I can say you’re guilty of is being a truly kind, selfless human being. I was about to keep typing, but my 14 lb cat just jumped on my stomach.

  2. Someone once explained to me that if you drew a graph of recovery from a big loss, the line wouldn’t go in a straight line. It goes in a jaggedy line: up for a bit, then a drop, then another bit of a climb, then a drop, and so on. The general direction always up, but some might y big dips in there. Made sense to me. Years ago someone who broke my heart got married. Now by the time he got married, I knew that being rid of him was the best thing that could have happened, and I truly didn’t want him back. But I was sad! My smart therapist said, “It’s a re-arrangement of the loss.” And I said, “Wow. You’re right.” You hang in there, Maddie. I’d love to meet you someday!

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