271. A near death experience

Julie had a reading upstate for her new book,  “Friendkeeping” so she and I, accompanied by her 3 dogs, went up to spend the weekend with her parents, my sister Marcia and brother in law, Paul.

The ride up was really fun. Julie and I rarely get to spend that much alone time so we yapped and yapped. Even one dog vomiting in the back seat of my car and another farting constantly and snoring like one of the 3 stooges didn’t put any kind of damper on the trip.

We got up there at around 3. Very close to cocktail hour.

Now let me tell you about having a big sister. Even if you are 68 she is still in charge. If I wanted to help with dinner she tells me to shut up and sit down. In fact “shut up” was the theme of the weekend. The funny thing is that every time she said it it was like a kiss on the cheek and we give wet hard kisses in my family.

They live in this beautiful, comfortable house that they frequently say proudly has thick walls that keep something out and other things in. I never listened to the end of that story so I really am not up on the details.

Julie spent a great deal of time in the front driveway because she couldn’t get email in their house (remember those thick walls). I, on the other hand had email up the kazoo on my ipad and on my iphone. Much to her irritation I checked my email constantly even though most of what I received was for penis enlargements and reminders from Freshdirect.

This is something I want to say before I continue.

My brother in law, Paul is hysterically funny and talented  but he’s also deaf as a post, sorry Paulie. They constantly have music playing which would dull any other sounds and my sister can be said to be on another planet at times.

This wasn’t important until later in the afternoon when I went to powder my nose.

As I tried to leave the terlet, much to my surprise I couldn’t  open the door. I tried and tried.

Here’s the problem. You have to get someone to let you out but what do you say? Do you yell “Help!” or “Marcia!”?  No point in calling Paul and whatever you shout it’s embarrassing.

First I try a few half assed “Marcia”s.  I started thinking about those thick walls then and figured the only chance I have of escaping is to attract Julie’s attention. But she’s outside in the driveway which is on the other side of the house. I open the window ( it’s one of those side opening windows) and purse my lips through the opening trying to yell “Juuuulieeee”

No response.

Then I realized that if I was going to get out of there before the end of cocktail hour I’d have to give an all out yell.

The end of this isn’t very interesting. They did hear me and came and saved me  but any dignity I had was only a memory.

When I told my sister that she should fix that door so it wouldn’t happen again she told me to shut up.

6 thoughts on “271. A near death experience

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