306. Fracking for Idiots

Do I have the flu? That I don’t know. It could be just a cold so I’m following my regular life of parties and openings. I occasionally break into a cold sweat and faint  but other than that I’m fine.

I had a good time with my sister this weekend. We love each other so much.

Last night David came over and shared cocktails with us.

He and Marcia got into a big todo over fracking.

David loves it, Marcia feels that if people have any interest in clean water, it should be abolished. It was interesting listening to them.

I’m used to David telling me how stupid and uninformed I am but to Marcia it was a new experience.

You could see the shock on her face when he told her that  clearly she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

He admitted that while with fracking there were some minor problems with the water, when you compare it to yada yada yada I forget what it was but it included 9 to 11 arab slurs and insults to anyone stupid enough to vote for President Obama. At least I think he was talking about Obama. Since he refuses to say his name I always have to give it a good guess.

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I’ve perfected arguing with him by lying. When he says “Do you know how much oil we import from Lithuania or someplace? I always say a number in a very firm knowledgable tone like “Two quarts”.

Then he can tell me he’s not surprised that I’m “way off” since I’m such a pea brain and he goes on a rant about how great coal and oil are and how stupid wind power is and as long as I don’t interrupt  I can finish my “People” magazine in peace.

I really count on David in my life so Marcia is either going to have to toughen up or learn to accept his idea of making Texas the moral compass for the country.

305. If this doesn’t put a period to it I don’t know what does.

Someone at the Jerry Springer Show must have spit some germs on me because I woke up today with a cold.

I’m taking care to make myself better because I have a big weekend planned. By ‘big’ I mean my sister is coming and we’re going to look at each other.

About a half hour ago my phone rang. When I said hello there was a silence on the line and then the caller said “Mattie?”

“Yes”

“I’m sorry, I dialed your number by mistake.” and they hung up.

I started thinking it must have been someone calling for dave, not just a wrong number because the person knew my name.

“Ah” I said to myself “I should have asked who it is”

Then I put it out of my mind.

A few minutes later I got an email:

I tried to call Jim but I dialed you instead. Sorry.

dave

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304.I’m not entirely sure that The Jerry Springer Show is on the up and up.

So yesterday was the day Stephanie took me to the Jerry Springer Show for my birthday.

We arrived at the theatre one half hour early with no breakfast, only coffee. Why no breakfast, you ask? because Stephanie said she was told that they would give us bagels and coffee at the show.

I know that you aren’t supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth but the gift horse wouldn’t stop at a McDonald’s drive thru on the way even though I kept saying “better safe than sorry” and that I couldn’t imagine that a high end show like this would offer all that entertainment PLUS a hearty breakfast for an entire studio audience.

She was  insisting that her cousin, Mark who got us the tickets swore that the bagels and coffee were a definite.

I think it’s important to add that while we were waiting , Mark, who accompanied us to the show, took an egg sandwich and a beer out of his bag that he happily munched on while we waited for the line to move.

Once on line our photo ID’s were checked and we were given a waver to sign.

The highlights of the waver absolved them of any and all liability for loss or damage to personal property, invasion of privacy, personal injury, including emotional distress, including death.

It also gave them rights to our likeness even if it was distorted in perpetuity to be used in ads, recordings, tv and for some reason cruise ships.

Once in the theatre , after going through a metal detector, we sat in a big room while TV’s in various places  blasted  old shows that didn’t have any of the filters of the fully produced shows so we were toasted with plenty of food fights and tits .

Many of the shows had clever titles such as one where the gentleman with only one and a half arms who was suspicious of his lady love’s fidelity was called  “Tell it to the Paw”.

While we were sitting there, our eyes glued to the screen a nearby girl asked her boyfriend “Could you be attracted to a girl who fights like that?”

His answer boded ill for their future relationship, “Absolutely. Smack her in the head and she’s good to go.”

Dear Abby would definitely advise this girl to tread lightly in this relationship.

I was clearly one of the oldest people there. The audience consisted of mostly high school and college students and judging by this being a school day I gotta assume the valedictorians here were few and far between.

The age of the audience played right in their hands because  they screamed with laughter when Jerry came out before the show started and told jokes that were so old that when I first heard them I laughed so hard I kicked the slats out of my cradle (rim shot).

The plot of the show is very simple. There are three separate situations or if I may say, acts. All falling on the same theme during which the audience was encouraged  to periodically, at the direction of the producer, stand, fist pumping in the air while shouting “Jer-ry, Jer-ry”.

We were told that we could oooh or boo someone but never (this was stressed) yell out the punch line, for example “Your girlfriend and the mother of your children is a man”.

Doing so would result in that particular show being scrapped and the whole audience would lose out on the opportunity for stardom, damage to personal property or death.

Our theme for today was “I want to marry him or her but I think he/she’s cheating on me”.

The first woman really touched me. She was a heavy set woman who was wearing glasses. She said she had two children with her fiance and loved him dearly but she suspected that he’d been fooling around with her good friend a “Nicki Minaj wannabe” (her words not mine).

Jerry asked her a few very sensitive questions about hopes and goals and then said “Let’s bring your friend to the stage and see what she has to say for herself.

The orange wigged, leopard jump suited heartbreaker set foot on the stage only to be greeted by the bride-to-be jumping on her, beating the shit out of her and shoving her into the wedding cake which they both pushed into each other’s faces until it was all over them, the stage and the front row. ( hence the inclusion of limited liability to person and property)

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Even though she decided to take the law into her own hands there was something very sweet about this woman. She had some doubts as to the outcome yet she was still a positive enough person to wear a wedding dress and carry a bouquet to the show.

And her sunny disposition was not in vain. Her boyfriend did in fact  choose her. No sooner had he finished throwing  what was left of the wedding cake all over his unfortunate paramour when Jerry’s minions brought out a raggedy  flowered trellis and pronounced them man and wife under it to gleeful chants of “Jer-ry Jer-ry”.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

The next couple didn’t fare as well. Even though the hopeful young lady took care of her older boyfriend beautifully and as she said,  paid for his rent, his clothes and his Leggos , he still hadn’t popped the question.

This romance was not to be. He gave her the gate for not being adventurous enough in the bedroom and not allowing him to have a key to the house.

These two plus the girlfriend that I suspect will be responsible for his Leggos in the future all punched each other out without much fervor, none of them coming to any real harm and the next questioning mate came out.

This time it was a young man.

He truly loved his girlfriend. They had met when they were both working at McDonald’s ( the very mention of which brought the image of the Egg McMuffin I was denied to mind).

She was his manager and though at first she wouldn’t cross over the hierarchy of boss/fryman it soon became apparent that their love was too strong to fight and they became one.

Now she still works at Micky D’s and he stays home and watches the baby. She was pregnant when they met but still a heartbreaker.

He definitely wants to center aisle it but she’s been acting kind of cool lately and he wants to know why before proposing. I suspect he already knew the truth because he kept saying that he believes in second chances.

The young lovely came out, admitted that she had in fact had a one time thing with his sister’s boyfriend but would never do it again. The sister and her boyfriend entered the stage, socks ensued and in no time the crappy trellis was dragged out again and once more we were witnesses to two souls brought together for life.

Then came questions from the audience to the participants,

“Be specific when you speak to someone. Don’t just say “she” say, the girl with the blue shirt or the wedding cake in her ears”

The show ended with the thing that makes it high art.

Jerry gives his final thoughts and all of a sudden he acts as though we all just watched “Romeo and Juliet”, giving heartfelt advice to the participants who just looked off into space as if no one was speaking.

The day ended with Jerry telling us all to be good to ourselves and each other.

I was so touched that I tried to hug the woman sitting next to me who gave me a sharp elbow to the neck.

It was the best birthday I ever had.

303. I have a dent in my finger where my wedding ring used to be.

But I don’t care.

Today is my birthday and my glass is half full.

Yesterday I was on Lexington Avenue . I was going to buy a broom. My phone rang and it was Julie. “What are you doing?”

We got together, walked around the city and had dinner at a diner ($5 wines). That made me so happy.

This morning it’s up to Steph’s.

We’re going out to a fabulous dinner. There’s no one I’d rather go out with than her husband Terry. He’s a man that knows how to party.

I’m sleeping over with a big fat dog in my bed.

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AND THEN TOMORROW WE’RE GOING TO THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!

I’m going back and forth about what to wear because they have very strict rules on dress. It’s a very classy show, you know.

1. No jeans

2. no tee shirts

3. no logos on clothing.

I’m in a dither. I was going to wear my Dukakis ’88 sweat shirt but I think that may be a no no.

Anyway it’ll be great.

Most people feel that New Years Day ends the holiday season but it never has for me.

There was Christmas (interestingly my mother kept a kosher home but we never celebrated Hannukah), New Years, my birthday, in later years my anniversary and Valentine’s day.

Which of these things is not like the others?

Anyway I still feel happy. There’s Jerry ( I call him Jerry) and then Ann Leary’s reading of her new book “The Good House”.

“Why this?” you ask? It has to do with how I feel about books. My love of reading was a personal gift from my father.  Every time I pick up a good book I feel like it’s a kiss from him.

I love a book that draws you in immediately and holds on to you to the end. That’s how Ann writes.

Actually I bought Ann’s first book at one of Julie’s readings because I was so grateful to her for being so kind to my niece. I sat in a chair in the bookstore and started to read it and I couldn’t put it down.

Now I read everything Ann writes and when I see her I feel a flash of annoyance because she isn’t sitting at home working on her next book so I can get another kiss from my father.

302.Everyone in the world is nicer than I am.

I was going to write about how David took me out for my birthday and said I should feel free to order anything I want and even though there was lobster as one of the specials I didn’t order it so I deserve a pat on the back but something happened that made me put that pat on hold.

I looked on Facebook and there I saw  the following:

2013 Creative Pay-It-Forward: The first five people to comment on this status will receive from me, sometime in the next calendar year, a gift — perhaps a book, or cookies or candy, or a candle, music — a surprise. There will likely be no warning and it will happen whenever the mood strikes me. The catch? Those five people must make the same offer in their FB status.

This was posted by the sweetest person I’ve ever met. I even referred to her as one of the gifts I got from writing a blog. Her name is Tammy.

First of all I don’t know five people who wouldn’t punch my lights out for making them be nice to five other  people, except Tammy that is.

Second I’m not about to go out and buy, then wrap then walk to the post office to mail five presents.

And I looked at the choices, cookies, a candle, candy, well maybe a hershey bar but books don’t grow on trees (actually they do but for the sake of argument they don’t). I actually could do music. I have a shitload of dave’s cd’s that I could pass on to someone but again, that entails walking, wrapping and mailing.And if they’re waiting for “the mood to strike me” then they better pull up a chair.

Now let’s look at the “first five people to comment” thing. It’s one thing if the first five people were say, my cousin Barbara or Julie, or Liz or my sister or Susan. I wouldn’t mind sending them a gift, well I would mind but I’d do it.

But what if one of the five is the sister of some kid I knew from P.S. 81 who somehow found me on Facebook?

Generous? Thy name ain’t Mattie.

And to show how truly crappy I am, I’m talking about this on my blog rather than on Facebook because when I counted the number of responses I noticed that though there were seven comments,  only four of them were valid. The other three were from Tammy saying how happy she was that these people were as nice as she is. Those are my words not hers. So I didn’t want to become the fifth person.

And because if I did sign up in error  I’d have to do it because not doing it would be like slapping a puppy. No matter how you look at this it’s a lose lose proposition.

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So all you people be thankful that there is at least one Tammy for every thousand of me.

301.Sex, drugs and rock and roll

Got your attention, huh?

I finally went to see my shrink about the nightmares and she changed my medication.

Not only have the bad dreams stopped for the most part but since I’ve started taking the new stuff I feel so much happier.

In fact miraculously I no longer want to wear my wedding ring. I put it away for good.  I’m still wearing my big gaudy engagement ring but that’s because I’m my mother’s daughter, not because I’m holding on to anything.

That takes care of the drugs.

The rock and roll is a stretch but I got some pretty good news from my co-writer, Terry Silverlight. Terry has written and had songs recorded by loads of famous people, one of which is Roberta Flack. I’m really lucky he writes with me.

Anyway Terry told me that he sent a bunch of our songs to a Nashville publishing company and they loved them.

Even though he assured me that probably nothing will come of it, I’ve been fine tuning my Grammy acceptance speech ever since.

Yep I’m a “half full” girl now.

Sex? Still nothing but it’s only the first day of 2013 and there are plenty of sailors in town for the holiday.

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