357.Here’s another good side to not having a husband. There’s no one to tell you how shitty your idea is.

I received an invitation this weekend that I couldn’t accept because I’ll be in Annapolis.

David’s son Graham invited me to join them in a restaurant on Saturday to celebrate Graham’s birthday. He is so sweet. He probably called personally because he thought David would “forget” to invite me. You can’t help but wonder how David had two such terrific kids. I’m thinking that they must have a really great mother.

It looks like my brother-in-law won’t be well enough to go to the Bat Mitzvah.

Being the next oldest person in the family I’m going to have to stand in for him and my sister, Marcia.

I will hold the Torah and pass it to Brian who will pass it to Cheryl who will pass it to Lily or maybe Sadie, her older sister and then Lily.

Although no song will be expected, before I let go of the Torah I’m planning on singing “Sank heaven for leetle girls” in a french accent like Maurice Chevalier. (Thank you french neighbors from down the hall).

I was going to give Lily a check for her 13th birthday but I think that this will be much more meaningful to her.  If I give her money it will just be pissed away on some trinket that will be soon forgotten but my little song, I mean “leetle song” will stay in her memory forever even if they don’t video it and I can’t imagine that happening.

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She’s going to be so pleased.

356. Being part of the Christian right is hard, especially if you’re Jewish.

Things are in disarray in my world.

My brother-in-law Paul has the flu so he and my sister may not be able to go to Annapolis this weekend for their granddaughter’s Bat Mitzvah.

This is more than a tragedy. I know that a lot of families like to get together but we really love it. If we look around a room and 9 out of 11 people can give us a kidney, we’re happy.

We’re very close. Why yesterday I found out that Julie and I take the same mental patient pills. That must mean something.

We are connected in so many ways. We all laugh at the same things. We all care about the same things. Well maybe not everything. My sister and her husband are so committed to leaving no carbon footprint that sometimes it can be icky.

Last year we were all having dinner there when my brother in law walked around the table cutting chives from his garden into each of our salads.

I was saying “How Martha Stewart” when Julie mumbled under her breath, “It would be if I hadn’t seen the dog pissing on those chives a half hour ago”.

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Just so you don’t get the wrong idea (and that my sister doesn’t smack me in the head) I must say that as a couple they give more of themselves to the world than anyone I know.

Also a meal at their house is always a treat, just pass on the salad. Not the whole salad, just the chives.

So I’m going to spend today praying and praying that Paul beats this flu before tomorrow. Not the whole day but most of the day cause I’m going to Brooklyn for a mani pedi with Susan.

Wait, maybe I can pray all day. I can drive and pray and pray and get my nails done. I may not be able to pray during lunch because it wouldn’t be seemly.

Chomp chomp “Lordy lordy please heal Paul” chomp slurp “so he can go to Lily’s Bat” chomp “Mitzvah”.

Ah sure I can. If God delivered after he heard me praying for a seven during a card game, he’ll surely listen to me here when I’m being so selfless.

355. Remember last year when I used to be happnin’?

Steph called me this morning to regale me with all the April Fool’s tricks she pulled off yesterday. I feel kind of bad that I didn’t even try to take part in this, the holiest of holidays.

Miss Liz reminded me that I did do a pretty good one on her and David last year.

So by popular demand (mine) I will regale you with it so you can forget what a lame – o I was this year.

Liz and David were visiting her parents in Santa Fe.

On Sunday April 1, I sent an email to both of them. The Subject was “I hope you understand”

The email said:

dave and the woman have no place to stay tonight.

They’re leaving for Japan at 6 am.

There’s no way I can bear them sleeping in my house so I told them they can sleep on your couch.

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It’s only for one night and I think he’ll be more agreable with the settlement if I help them.

Do you have sheets for the couch or should I use mine?

Mattie

No sooner had I sent it then I got an email from David saying “Are you fucking kidding?”

and the phone rang.

It was Liz.

“Did you get my email?”

“Yes, I did. I wish you hadn’t sent it to David too. He’s going to go nuts. Are you saying that dave and his girlfriend will be staying on the 18th floor with you just across the hall?”

“Yes. I didn’t know how to say no”

“Mattie I will give you money for a hotel for them. You cannot do that”

“Liz, what’s today?”

“Sunday”

“And what’s the date?”

“April 1″

“And what’s April 1?”
She thought for a minute and then screamed …..”Fuck you!!!” and then she started laughing uncontrollingly

(Liz never curses and she will kill me for quoting her but truth is my middle name. It’s Joan too but I use Truth mostly”)

This is an example of how they’ve both acted since the day I found out that my marriage was over.

I’m a lucky woman and watch out all you people. I’m already working on next year’s trick.I don’t want to give anything away but it has something to do with pigeons and the Supreme Court.

354. I can’t hear you, there’s a banana in my ear.

My sister called and told me I’d better write something funny today because my last two posts were so sad.

Today’s the day I pay my bills so anything funny I want to write I’ll have to pull out of my ass. Not too much funny about paying bills.

Also it’s April Fool’s Day. There should be loads of hilarity going on in my house because good gags are my forte but I got nuthin’.

Although I did put a melon rind in with the recyclables in the trash room. I hope my super gets the joke.

I doubt that he will though. He’s kind of heavy handed when it  comes to humor.  About a year ago he was half heartedly hitting on a piece of my ceiling so that a new fixture would fit in and I told him not to be such a pussy, hit it already.

He really loved that. Every time I see him in  the hall he says “Remember what you called me that time?” and he screams with laughter.

I’m thinking the melon rind joke will go right over his head.

Actually it isn’t a joke time anyway. It’s a “put one over on a person time.”

My niece Julie once called her brother Matt and told him she was really scared because there was a goldfish in her toilet and she was afraid it came out of her. He spent awhile reassuring her before he realized what day it was.

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Now that’s an April Fool’s joke. Maybe I should have put that melon rind in the toilet.