455. The eyebrows have it.

I’m going up to my niece Stephanie’s house today.

My reason is threefold.

1. I adore Stephanie

2. She will help me pick out stuff for Elvis.

3. I am going to be staying there next week to take care of her animals and she wants to give me some last minute instructions. For example how to watch my favorite shows on TV while I’m there. Did I say TV? My mistake. THEY DON’T HAVE CABLE.

I digress.

When Steph and I discussed what we would be doing today she mentioned getting a manicure which seemed fine to me but at the end of the sentence she said “They do eyebrows too”.

I didn’t think much about this until about 4 a.m. when I said to myself, “Now why did she mention eyebrows?”

Then I got to thinking. Before I had my cataract operations I wore glasses all the time so I never did anything with my eyebrows. My glasses covered them and without my glasses I couldn’t see them.

Well my eyesight improvement was both a blessing and a curse. Sure I could see better but I saw things, like wrinkles that I couldn’t do much about. What I could do something about was my eyebrows.

I started putting eyebrow pencil on. To me it looked pretty good but I remember my mother thinking peds  with sandals were really happening. (Peds are those things they give you in shoe stores so when you try on shoes so you don’t give or get cooties.)

Are my eyebrows a joke? Do I look  “surprised” or “angry”? Why would Steph mention eyebrows?

I know it won’t be hard to get her to tell me. She can be cruelly direct.

Now that I think of it, that may not be a bad thing. I’m making a plea to my whole family. If you see me wearing something stupid please tell me before I go out in the world.

My job on this planet is to laugh at others. I will not like them laughing back.

454. Bullets over Broadway

When Liz first got Rupert she put a tasteful little ceramic plaque on her front door saying “Beware of Dog” in french.

Everything she does is like that, just a bit classier than the rest of the world.

David came home from Santa Fe last night.

This morning I went to put out the garbage and on David’s door was a huge paper target with bullet holes all over it. The figure on it was an alien because as David told me over dinner last night, they ran out of hombres what with the holidays and all.

You know, it’s like how in a regular part of the United States the holidays may make them run out of mistletoe.

He actually took that thing to the restaurant with us so he could proudly point out all the successful head shots.

Here’s the creepy part (like the rest of this isn’t creepy). He was regaling me with what kinds of bullets and guns he was using to put that alien in alien heaven but I was barely listening . I was scanning the menu so I could make up my mind between salmon and some kind of chicken.

He only caught my attention when he mentioned, while chastising me for not knowing whether Dirty Harry used a 45 or a 357 mango or something, that some of those bullet holes came from Miss Liz’ gun.

Now this is my sweet Liz who never even uses paper napkins, except the tiny decorated ones that she serves with cocktails and caviar. And this schmuck is her life partner.

I blamed myself. Just because he was there for me in my time of need I overlooked the damage he was capable of doing. I should have tried to sabotage that relationship years ago.

But then I got to thinking, He really does serve the best wine I’ve ever had. Why I bet there isn’t a bottle in his house that isn’t priced in double digits. And he’s really free with it.

Also with dave gone  it could get pretty lonely on the 18th floor. David isn’t much but he is company. And I really love his kids.

So I figure maybe Liz can take care of herself.

In fact, now that she’s packing, I’m sure she can.

453.Elvis and God

It’s official. I am even boring myself with this cat stuff.

I’m  on the internet all the time trying to select the perfect food for Elvis. If I guess wrong it says he may get crystals and since I know nothing about cats and have never seen a crystal he’ll probably die of them because I won’t see the symptoms.

It will be weeks before he gets here and I’m already in a state.

Speaking of Tom Cruise. I saw Rock of Ages last night. Even though Tom is a Scientologist, has a crazy laugh and probably hates Jews, since seeing him in that movie I would consent to marry  him. After all it’s not like I’m committed  to that Jew thing anyway. Other than an occasional “oy vey” it doesn’t really play a big part in my life.

And except for that time they put rattlesnakes in non believer’s mail boxes,and I believe that they hardly ever do that any more, Scientology doesn’t seem any more strict than say the New York Library. I could do Scientology Light.

Plus you may remember that I’m a rebel. I’ve stepped out of my religious comfort zone before. True, it had disastrous results but that’s because he was a Methodist. You know how crazy those people are.

We had a big snowstorm here. David is coming back from Santa Fe tonight and I was going to pick him up at Newark Airport tonight but I changed my mind because, as I told him;

1. It will be dark

2. It will be icy

3. I’m old

4. He sucks.

452. A friend indeed

This is an open letter to my friend Susan.

You are the best friend I’ve ever had.
There is not one time that you haven’t been there when I needed you. Sometimes when I don’t even know that I need you.
I keep bringing up that time about 30 years ago when my dog Norman had his teeth cleaned and you were waiting in the office when I got there because you knew I was scared. When I think of you quickly, that’s how I think of you. Well that and you digging in my garden in high heels.
Aside from you being so much in my corner, you are more fun than any person I know. The days we spend together doing stuff that no one else wants to do with us are some of the best days of my life. Many of the best laughs I’ve ever had are with you.
I let you down in the past few weeks when you needed me and although I can come up with a million excuses, none of them cut it. (although my recent bout with what I was sure was malaria comes close.)
I just want to tell you that I love you and I will hold your foot  at the dentist until we are old and grey.
(Actually we’ll never let the grey thing happen but you know what I mean)
I’m so lucky to have you as a friend and I won’t let you down again.
By the way, people, when I called her to apologize she spent the whole time trying to make me feel better about being a shit.
Tell me I’m not lucky.

451. My New Year Ode

It’s New Years Day.

I had quite a New Years Eve. I went down to Times Square to rock in 2014. The good thing about not being married any more was that I was able to kiss anyone I wanted. And I didn’t miss a cop.

Even though it was really cold and really crowded it didn’t interfere with my two block tap dance.

Ah who am I kidding. A little “Murder SheWrote” and I was sawing logs at 9:30.

I woke up during the night and decided to list of all the things I’m thankful for.

1. My family;  of course I have to say that because if I say my real favorite thing which happens to be TV the world will look down on me. But it does show how much I love my family because I’m going up to Steph’s house next week to mind her animals and she doesn’t have cable.

2. My friends. (see above)

3. Elvis:  Now this is a leap of faith.Sure he’s good looking but he could turn out to be a real prick.

4. New York City: And not why you think. It’s because we elected Bill DeBlasio as our new mayor. Already from the get go I can see that this guy is going to drive David nuts. Maybe he’ll get off Obama’s back this year..

5. That politician from Toronto because he actually chastised the  press for saying he was eating some woman’s pussy (his words) because he’s married and he has plenty to eat at home.

Well that’s it folks. Thanks for sticking with me this year. I hope you all get at least 6 of the things you wish for in 2014,