751. An asshole’s guide to good manners

I had a wonderful day yesterday.

Susan and I went up to Newtown to visit Stephanie. She made a lovely lunch and we all enjoyed ourselves. On the way  home we stopped and I bought plastic fencing for my terrace to keep Elvis from hurtling to his death. We’ll see how that works out.

I have it all planned. First I’ll put it up. Before I let Elvis out I’ll explain the dangers that could befall him if he climbs the fence. Then I’ll put a halter and leash on him and see how he does before giving him free reign.

Like that little prick will let me put a halter on him without cutting me to ribbons, but I’ll be firm, firm and bloody.

Anyway when Susan and I got back to the City (just as dave never gets a capital d, New York always gets a capital C). Her husband, Allan came over and we had cocktails. We decided to go out to eat and just as we were leaving David got off the elevator. He was exhausted because he had taken the red eye back from Santa Fe that morning. He went there to attend the memorial for Liz’ Dad, Dr. Rees. Anyway we asked him to join us and he did.

I always say that you must have a thick skin to have him for a friend.

We were all deep in conversation when without thinking about it I picked up a cucumber from my salad and ate it.

Never missing an opportunity to let me know that I’ve erred as a human being, David said, “There is silverware for that.”

I saw Susan look up in shock. She’s extremely sensitive and would have died if he had said that to her.

I think David noticed her expression and unlike any other kind person who would have tried to soften what he said he decided to prove that he’s not just a shit, he’s a know it all shit so he followed it with,

“Something that separates us from the lower orders is the proper use of cutlery and stemware.”

In addition to that, when the waiter went to take my salad away he admonished him, “Not yet, she may want another handful”.

I guess he thought that wound needed just a bit more salt.

6 thoughts on “751. An asshole’s guide to good manners

  1. To be clear, Mattie did not just pick up a cucumber. She consumed a substantive portion of the salad sans cutlery. David Wheeler.

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